[FFML] [fanfic] [Ranma] (second attempt) The Return of Loo

[Gary Kleppe]

Here we go, for old times' sake. As always, take these comments as the 
opinions of one particularly demanding reader who doesn't like much anyway.

On 4/25/21 3:54 PM, hans.holm2 at bredband.net wrote:

> Inspired by Gary Kleppe revising and trying to finish I Dream of Ranma,
> I went back and had a look at some of my fanfics, to try and clean them
> up and finally post them here (while it is still possible). Not only did

I'm glad I inspired *something* with that post...

> This takes place after a fanfic I did post here (and at fanfiction.net)
> ages ago, Duck and Peaches…, but all one might need to know to avoid
> confusion is that Hairspray is Mousse’s daughter, that Mousse lost his

Urgh. Okay, long digression time.

There's a fictional law firm that turns up now and again in pop culture: 
Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe. I don't know who originally came up with it -- 
might've been the Stooges. Anyway, the joke works because it's actually 
plausible that three lawyers could have those surnames. If you had a law 
firm with partners named Do We, Cheat 'em, and How, this would work less 
well, because it doesn't make sense that they would spell their names 
this way. If you had a law firm called We're Crooks, Really, and We'll 
Steal Your Money, this makes even less sense because those don't even 
sound like real names.

So then. Having Chinese characters named Shampoo and Mousse works, 
because these sound like what could be actual Chinese names (those being 
Shan Pu and Mu Si). It probably works better in the original Japanese, 
where the names are written out in hiragana and look the same as the 
actual Chinese names would.

Something like "Hairspray" is in the category of Mr. We'll Steal Your 
Money, something that doesn't at all sound like it could be a real name. 
I would look at something like zhongwen.com to get an idea of what 
sounds Chinese actually has. Chinese names are generally three 
syllables, occasionally just two, with the family name being the first. 
You could argue that the Amazons, who aren't exactly mainstream, have 
weird conventions, and I'd buy that up to a point.

> “Cologne even added profiles and assessment on what they could add to
> the line.”
> “And you said she didn’t take these things seriously.”
> “She still doesn’t. _This_ profile, for example, lists, as a minor drawback,
> ‘Subject is a male crossdresser.’ Which is a shame, since it’s apparently a
> genius ninja.”
> “But that’s just one…”
> “Two. Three, if we count Shampoo’s supposed husband and retroactively
> change _that_ rule to count for males defeated by outsider women too.”
> “She also mentions that Shampoo doesn’t seem entirely happy with the
> idea. She’s warming up to the child …at least.”

You're stuffing a whole lot of exposition into this prologue. The point 
here should be to convince the reader that something gripping is going 
to happen, that there's going to be conflict. You do this somewhat, but 
you're also throwing in a lot of information that doesn't help and maybe 
even gets in the way.


> Cologne looked at the letter in her hands again and groaned (again).
> “What’s the matter, great-grandmother?”, Shampoo asked.
> “It’s this message from home”, Cologne replied. “It seems Ba Fu has had
> another of his visions…”

Now that's something that could be a Chinese name.

> Suddenly Shampoo spotted a young monk looking as indifferent as a bald
> man can while holding a large sign with various hair care products
> written on it.

I don't think "indifferent" is the word you want there. "Inconspicuous," 
maybe?

If this guy is also Chinese, or even if he's fluent in Chinese, he'd 
write out their names in Chinese characters. Those names in Chinese 
aren't the names of hair care products. If I remember right, Shamps' 
name means coral + jade and Mousse's means wash + thread. Those names in 
Chinese happen to sound like the English names of hair care products.

> “Mousse and Shampoo, I presume”, the monk said.
> “Uh…yes. And you’re one of Ba Fu’s brother’s students, right?”
> “Sort of.  I’m Peaceful Ocean. Please call me Peace, in English. Please.
> Pleased to meet you. We’ll just have to wait for Schemer to get back,
> then we’ll drive you to the mansion.”

Consider earlier complaints about the names restated. And why would they 
be speaking English?

> Loo turned out to be living in a house of the traditional square compound
> type. It was slightly larger than the Kuno mansion. And possibly slightly
> too traditional, as if aspiring to be in an open-air museum instead of a
> modern city.

It's good that you tried to throw in some description here. That's 
something that your story could use a lot more of. More about this at 
the end.

> “I guess some introductions might be in order”, Loo said. “Sort of
> students, this is Shampoo, great-granddaughter of an old…friend from
> my home village, and her…friend… Mousse, also from my home village.
> Shampoo and Mousse, you’ve already met Peaceful Ocean and Schemer,
> the this is Obvious Alias, Mock Duck and Intrigeur.”

** Bangs head against wall **

If you were doing wacky humor a la Monty Python, you could have a 
character named Obvious Alias. But you clearly aren't.

> “Womaniser.”
> “…Bimbo.”
> “_What_ did you call me?”
> “I couldn’t ca…” WHACK! “Stop it!” WHACK! “I didn’t…” WHACK!
> WHACK! WHACK!
> “Well, now that we’ve cleared that up…Mousse don’t you think that Loo
> seems to be acting a little odd? Mousse? Are you listening to me?
> Mousse! MOUSSE!” WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

You're writing a prose story, not a manga. Don't just throw out sound 
effects, actually describe what's happening.

> “Mrs. Saotome? You are Nodoka Saotome, here and acting on behalf of
> the parents of this child, who were suddenly and urgently called away on
> important business?”
> “That is, the child’s parents were called away on business. Not the child.”
> “I am.”
> “Mr. Oomu and I are from the Agency. We want to have a word with you
> about the as of yet not registered name of said aforementioned infant.”
> “Ah, yes. Hairspray.” To be honest, Nodoka had been wanting to have
> more than a few words regarding the name herself.
> “Am I right in thinking that’s meant to be a hair care product?”
> “Yes, in English.”
> “How would you spell it in Japanese, in kanji?”
> “I probably wouldn't... It would be either gibberish or something like
> [Kami]+[Shibuki], I think.”
> “You can’t call her that. It’s silly.”

GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Silly, silly, RIGHT! I'm stopping this scene, and if 
there's any more of this, I'll stop the whole post!

MOUSSE: It's a duck's life in the modern army!

CHAPMAN: I heard that!

As a Python fan, I liked this bit, but it's also problematic. It would 
be great if you were doing this sort of off-the-wall comedy throughout 
the whole story. Mixing comedy into a mostly serious story can also be 
done, but it needs to be done carefully so that one doesn't undermine 
the other. There's only so much silliness that you can add into an 
otherwise dramatic story before the whole thing falls apart.

I'm going to stop here; the story isn't exhausted, but the reader is. 
It's not at all clear what kind of tone you're aiming for. Is it 
supposed to be madcap comedy where what plot there is can be shoved 
aside at will (e.g. Monty Python's Flying Circus)? Is it comedy with a 
more-or-less consistent story in the background but still where anything 
can happen for the sake of a joke (e.g. Airplane)? Is it comedy but with 
a consistent world-view that can also allow for some dramatic moments 
(e.g. M*A*S*H, Barney Miller, Ranma 1/2 original flavor)? Is it drama 
with some comic relief (e.g. Inu-Yasha)? Any of these could make a good 
story. You need to decide which one you're doing, and do it consistently.

If your story is at least part drama, then you need to be clear on what 
the main conflict is. What is it that your main character(s) want to 
make happen, or keep from happening? For a writer, conflict is job one. 
You need to establish right from the beginning that there are multiple 
ways that things could end up, that there are strong forces pushing more 
than one way, and that your main character(s) have a strong emotional 
stake in the outcome. If you've got stuff that doesn't feed into your 
conflict even in the broadest indirect sense, consider cutting it out. 
If your characters don't care about what's going on, your readers almost 
surely won't either.

My other advice is, work on your descriptions. In some places they 
aren't bad, but in others they're lacking. In particular, you've got 
many long back-and-forth dialog scenes, but little or no internal 
reaction from the characters. What does your point-of-view character in 
any scene think and feel about what's being said?

To be clear, the point here isn't to fault or castigate you, it's to 
give you things to think about. We're all still learning. Thanks for 
listening, and best of luck with this and any other projects that you 
might undertake.