[FFML] [fanfic] [Ranma] (second attempt) The Return of Loo

[hans.holm2 at bredband.net]

>Here we go, for old times' sake. As always, take these comments as the
>opinions of one particularly demanding reader who doesn't like much anyway.
Thank you.

>I'm glad I inspired *something* with that post...
Don't feel bad. What you inspired was the act of revising and posting,
not the content.

>Urgh. Okay, long digression time.
You might be relieved to know that part of the reason for revising was
rewriting and adding in the bit "fixing" that (which in turn, was originally
written some fifteen years ago).
My second defense is that back when it was written it was still
traditional/a running joke to have any and all Chinese Amazons being
named after haircare and beauty products.

If I had written it from the start today, I think things would have been different.


>You're stuffing a whole lot of exposition into this prologue. The point
>here should be to convince the reader that something gripping is going
>to happen, that there's going to be conflict. You do this somewhat, but
>you're also throwing in a lot of information that doesn't help and maybe
>even gets in the way.
True

>Now that's something that could be a Chinese name.
That would be because it was made using the "words to put together
to create a Chinese name" from Palladium games' Mystic China...

>> Suddenly Shampoo spotted a young monk looking as indifferent as a bald
>> man can while holding a large sign with various hair care products
>> written on it.
>I don't think "indifferent" is the word you want there. "Inconspicuous,"
>maybe?
He was trying to not be bothered about the comments he either expected
or had actually heard. Which, come to think of it, might be a better way to
phrase it.

>If this guy is also Chinese, or even if he's fluent in Chinese, he'd
>write out their names in Chinese characters. Those names in Chinese
>aren't the names of hair care products. If I remember right, Shamps'
>name means coral + jade and Mousse's means wash + thread. Those names in
>Chinese happen to sound like the English names of hair care products.
I'm quite ready to pretend that any jokes that fall flat is due to the
imaginary translator who couldn't make the original Chinese (or possibly
Japanese) ones work in English...

>Consider earlier complaints about the names restated. And why would they
>be speaking English?
Because I remembered Singapore as speaking another dialect than Mandarin.
I'm not sure they are speaking English (except in translation), but
Peaceful Ocean prefers being called Peace, in English, rather than his real name.

As I said in the beinning, the non-Amazon names were largely inspired by
the names used in the old Jademan Comics. (Especially Schemer, whom
the hero (called Hero, if memory serves), immediately and repeatedly trusted...)
Well, actually, pre-revision they too were named using the list in Mystic China
and very lazily so.
Once Shemer got her new name (and things to actually do), the names rolled
on from there...

>It's good that you tried to throw in some description here. That's
>something that your story could use a lot more of. More about this at
>the end.
I know, I got so focussed on fixing other things that I blanked on
descriptions and adding them.
Even though the thoughts on re-reading the original version included
"Wait! Shouldn't there have been descriptions? Or any indications of
where people are?"

>If you were doing wacky humor a la Monty Python, you could have a
>character named Obvious Alias. But you clearly aren't.
It sort of rolled on from Schemer, with all of them having higly suspicious
names...
(Come to think of it, Obvious Alias could also have been named
Extraneous Character.)

Incidentally, Mock Duck was the name of an actual tong leader in early
20th century New York.

>You're writing a prose story, not a manga. Don't just throw out sound
>effects, actually describe what's happening.
It's another of those "Well, it (must have) made perfect sense to me when
I wrote it"-bits that I should have changed now, but didn't as I was too
focussed on fixing other things.

>GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Silly, silly, RIGHT! I'm stopping this scene, and if
>there's any more of this, I'll stop the whole post!
>
>MOUSSE: It's a duck's life in the modern army!
>
>CHAPMAN: I heard that!
*insert appropriate smiling icon*

>As a Python fan, I liked this bit, but it's also problematic. It would
>be great if you were doing this sort of off-the-wall comedy throughout
>the whole story. Mixing comedy into a mostly serious story can also be
>done, but it needs to be done carefully so that one doesn't undermine
>the other. There's only so much silliness that you can add into an
>otherwise dramatic story before the whole thing falls apart.
I'm happy you liked it.
And it should have been wackier, but, again, I got to stuck on fixing
other things to think of fixing that until after I posted the story and
it was pointed out.

>My other advice is, work on your descriptions. In some places they
>aren't bad, but in others they're lacking. In particular, you've got
>many long back-and-forth dialog scenes, but little or no internal
>reaction from the characters. What does your point-of-view character in
>any scene think and feel about what's being said?
I take relief in that the most of the things that need fixing is are
relics from the original version rather than what was added in
the present day.

>To be clear, the point here isn't to fault or castigate you, it's to
>give you things to think about. We're all still learning. Thanks for
>listening, and best of luck with this and any other projects that you
>might undertake.
Again, thank you.
A revision may arrive before the end of FFML.

Hans



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