[FFML] [fanfic] [Ranma] (second attempt) The Return of Loo

[Alexander CHEEZEM]

What I mean by "point" there isn't about its role as a sidestory. I mean its *narrative purpose*. A story like this should *do something* as a piece of writing. Maybe it sets up further developments for a greater whole (which wouldn't be something I could see on review), but it should have some sort of impact in and of itself which lets it stand on its own.
This can be simple (e.g. a punchline or a reveal), or more complex (e.g. drawing us into a character's head as something happens around them, thereby letting the event impact our emotions as we read)... but it needs to *be there* or the story can't function as an independent piece of writing -- it becomes more a chapter or an interlude rather than a story on its own, the narrative equivalent of a dependent clause rather than a sentence.
And because it fails to act as a story on its own in this way, it fails as a side-story -- too much side, not enough story, if you get my meaning.

That, more than anything else, is what I found missing from this.
-- Aleh
 
 
 
-----Original Message-----
From: hans.holm2 at bredband.net
To: aleh at aol.com; ffml at chez-vrolet.net
Sent: Mon, Apr 26, 2021 4:37 pm
Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Ranma] (second attempt) The Return of Loo


    


>Well, there are some grammatical issues I should point out.
Thanks.

>First off, the paragraph spacing is rather inconsistent. It comes across, especially without tabs, as something of a >block of text as a result. I suggest either useing tabs/indentations or consistently (rather than inconsistently)
>double-spacing paragraphs.
Habit, I guess. It doesn't read as a block of text to me, although some
of the paragraph breaks do seem more random now that I see them posted.
On the other hand, there were no intentional single-spacing between paragraphs.
Easy to fix, although it seems we might disagree on where the paragraphs should
start and end.

>Secondly, a quick skim finds a lot of issues with the punctuation of dialogue. Here's a sample:
>“Naturally”, Shampoo replied suspiciously, while discreetly trying to
>peer into the room to see if there was another cause for Mousse’s state of
>undress.
>Specifically, a comma should *never* be outside the closing quotation mark.
When writing in English, which can be hard to remember when it's been
a while since last writing dialogues in English (and in this format). Mea culpa.
(And that's not to say that there are not also punctuation errors according
to Swedish rules.)
Still, easy to fix.

>Beyond that, I can't comment overmuch since I haven't read the prequel (and kinda lost interest midway through due >to simply not being "hooked"). It sort of drags on a bit, at least to my sleeplessness-addled mind, in a way that makes >me ask, "What's the point?"
>I skimmed the rest, and didn't really see much. Maybe it'd have more impact if I'd read said prequel? Not sure.
To be honest, I think the main point was that its previous version had bits
that has annoyed me for years, and the current situation got me to try to
fix those bits. (Part of the original point was to set up things for further fics...)

Another, to be equally honest, was that it lacks a certain something and -
apart from finding the voices of Mousse, Shampoo, Cologne and Nodoka -
someone on the outside might formulate what scenes and bits are missing
better than I, who spent years being annoyed with the original transformation
and end of the villain.

The point should have been Mousse and Shampoo getting some time away
from the rest of the Nerima Wrecking Crew and, if not necessarily any developments,
some entertaining bickering, but I blanked on where and how to put in.
(Even back then.)
It's amazing how much one can think of to do differently after hitting send, but
then again, that is the point of getting C&C (and of FFML).

I am happier with the prequel/main story - this is kind of a side-story - but I
think anything from it that could raise questions was explained in the pre-fic
introduction.
(Also, as I recall fanfiction.net played merry hell with the formatting.)

Hans

 



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