[FFML] [orig][oneshot] The Enigmatic Maiden

[Abdiel]

On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 11:18 PM, Gary Kleppe <gary at garykleppe.org> wrote:

> Before we start, the obligatory complaint that you probably knew was
> coming: Don't quote back an entire story (as you did in your second post)
> just to add a link.
>
> Okay, then:


I do apologize. Gmail has this thing where it collapses a whole quote into
an ellipsis, so I just replied and hit send without realizing its
inconvenience to others. My bad.

HIROSHI: Gaining fifty pounds?
>
> DAISUKE: Foregoing personal hygiene?
>
> GARY: Oh, that is so unfair....


More like having an obsession on purity,"moe", and cuteness. :D


> Even though this is first person, a more descriptive approach might be
> better here. If nothing else, I'd suggest showing us what the server does
> before giving us the guy's reaction to it.


I'll see what I can do. I'll post the corrections on the fictionpress
version of the story by the time I'm finished with them.

The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I'd like to see a little more reaction from
> Oki after he learns the truth. Does he go into denial, deciding that he
> didn't really see Kyo with that stuff, and that maybe the whole incident in
> the bathroom might have been his imagination after all? Or does he react in
> some other way?
>
>
It's kind of intentional. I'm following the Japanese dramatic three-act
structure where an abrupt ending is the whole point. I believe it's
called jo-ha-kyū (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jo-ha-ky%C5%AB).

It's also discussed here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-act_structure).
To quote, "A short third act (quick resolution) is also fundamental to
traditional Japanese dramatic structure, in the theory of jo-ha-kyū."

So yeah. Having an abrupt ending where the consequences are left to the
imagination of the reader is sort of the point. Although I do acknowledge
not all people would prefer it over the more traditional
"thesis-antithesis-synthesis" resolution of the story and its subplots,
especially in an English language story.


> All in all, a nice character piece. There's a lot of story potential in
> the way we set up and react to expectations based on gender roles, and you
> make good use of it here.


Thanks for the feedback! Used the majority of your corrections, by the way.
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