[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 4

[Ignacio Moreno]

I am really sorry that I don't answer sooner.

2014-04-19 0:54 GMT+02:00 Gary Kleppe <gary at garykleppe.org>:

> On 04/01/2014 02:14 PM, Ignacio Moreno wrote:
>
>  If you are interested, you can find the previous chapter in
>> fanfiction.net.
>>
>
>  I don't think I've read any of this before, but I think I'll just try to
> follow along as best I can.
>
>
If you have time, I think that you must read at least the first chapter so
you can know the context.


>
>    - Please Read & Review.
>>
>
>
> As always, the best way to get lots of responses is to give lots of them
> out to others.
>
>
You are right. Unfortunately I don't have enough time nowadays.


>
>   Everything had gone wrong less than half an hour ago when, after
>> accumulating enough courage, she had asked Ranma the reason for his icy
>> behavior towards her in recent times. Her question had led to a completely
>> unexpected reaction from her fiancé, and had sown her mind with a sea of
>> doubts.
>>
>
>  The mixed metaphor is awkward. In general, try to avoid overused stock
> expressions.
>
>
I'll see that I can do about this.


>  No, it couldn't be possible. She had heard rumors of what happened at
>> Mount
>> Phoenix, but that doesn't mean anything. She would have done the same if
>> she had had the chance... But it hadn't been her, if not Akane, who had
>>
>
>  I don't quite get what "if not Akane" means here.
>
>
It hadn't been her who had been in Mount Phoenix and had helped Ranma, but
Akane. I think that 'but' could work better than 'if not'.


>
>    While her mind sailed her uncertainties, her feet had led her to her
>>
>
>
> "mind sailed her uncertainties"? I don't even know what that's supposed to
> mean.
>
> UKYO: Yo ho ho, it's a sailor's life for me! Or maybe it isn't. Don't
> know, really.
>
>
I will have to check the metaphor then.


>
>  restaurant and home. And now, from its door, a female figure called her
>> urgently.
>>
>>   The figure had long black hair tied back in a ponytail. She wore a
>> beautiful traditional kimono slightly worn, with a matching obi tied in a
>> big bow at the back. Over the kimono she wore an apron identifying her as
>> the waitress of Okonomiyaki Ucchan's, and wore straw sandals.
>>
>>
>> The overall look was that of a beautiful girl, so it was surprising that
>> such an example of femininity was a boy.
>>
>
>
> Except it's not, because Ukyo already knows who and what Konatsu is. Be
> careful about your narrative point of view. Pausing for this long
> description of what Konatsu looks like would be appropriate if we were
> seeing him through the eyes of somebody who'd never met him before. That's
> clearly not the case here.
>
>
 You are right. This is one of the parts that I need to check.


>
>    A lawyer? What would he want? Would it be about the documents of the
>> restaurant? It couldn't be. Everything was in order. His father had
>>
>
>  Who does "his" refer to?
>
>
My fault, It is "her". :">


>
>    Ukyo, surprised by such formality, tried to remember what was supposed
>> to
>> be done in these cases. Insecure, she corresponded to the reverence almost
>>
>
>  "corresponded to the reverence"? What the heck?
>
>
I think that we have hit a false friend. :( I mean that she answered to his
bow with a similar one. I will have to fix this too.


>
>    "I sincerely regret any inconvenience that my questions could have
>> caused," he started apologetically, "but it was necessary that I ensured
>> that you are the right person."
>>
>> "And, am I?"
>>
>> "Yes, it seems so," Tadashi replied, seemingly immune to the sarcasm of
>> the
>> teenager.
>>
>
> Was that supposed to be sarcasm?
>
>
Umm, yes. Ukyo is a little annoyed by the lawyer's questioning, so she is
trying to be a little sarcastic.


>
>  "Unfortunately, our client has expressed a considerable interest in his
>> name remaining anonymous."
>>
>>   The words of the lawyer, very Japanese, were received by Ukyo with a
>> disdainful scorn, because it meant an emphatic negative to answer her
>> question.
>>
>
>  Um, huh?
>
>
It seems that Japanese are very polite, so polite that they are not going
to say 'no' to you. (
http://www.carla.umn.edu/speechacts/refusals/japanese.html)


>
>    "With respect to this matter," Tadashi continued unshaken, "I could
>> guarantee you that his interest is purely philanthropic. On finding out
>> your history, he felt so moved for all the distress that the actions of
>> Mr.
>> Saotome had caused, that he decided to help you."
>>
>
>
> UKYO: You mean...
>
> TADASHI: Yes. He's one of those classic Annoying New Characters. In the
> next chapter he'll fight Kuno and then you'll fall in love with him.
>
> UKYO: Not me. Look at the schedule. It's Nabiki's turn.
>
>  "The contract would be void, yes. Logically, your father, as guardian,
>> should give his approval. I have to inform you that, according to our
>> calculations, a handcrafted okonomiyaki cart with all its papers in order
>> for the distribution of food is worth about ten million yen. Anyway..."
>>
>
>  I'm certainly not an expert, but this figure seems way too high. It's
> doubtful that you needed official papers to sell okonomiyaki in rural
> Kansai back in Ranma's childhood days, especially in the Ranmaverse where
> law enforcement seems pretty non-existent. Maybe it could work if the value
> included the value of hypothetical future earnings that Ukyo *would* have
> gotten if she'd kept the cart. (We won't even mention that the cart
> actually belonged to the Gambling King, Ukyo having previously lost it to
> him at cards and then stolen it back.)
>
>
It is roughly 983900$. I didn't check it, but I suppose that a traditional
okonomiyaki cart and the papers to sell okonomiyaki in Tokyo, would be
around 90000$. Of course, it would need to be an amount high enough to be
tempting. :)


>    Her shouts echoed all over the place, being able to be heard clearly
>> from
>> the street. Drawn by the screams, Konatsu stared at the scene from the
>> door
>> of the storeroom, not quite understanding what was happening.
>>
>
>  You've broken the point of view here by switching to Konatsu's
> perspective. Is it really worth it?
>
>
I don't think that I broke the point of view, but I will try to fix it.


>
>    As she turned the pages, she heard the voice of the lawyer saying:
>>
>>   "It's a copy of the contract so you can read it. It is quite large, as
>> our
>> client wishes to avoid any possibility of misunderstanding or withdrawal."
>>
>> "Withdr... what?" The girl asked without looking up from the sheets.
>>
>
> TADASHI: My client will deposit one hundred million yen into your bank
> account, with the stipulation that you never take any of it out.
>
> UKYO: Well, that sounds fair... HEY!
>
>
I didn't remember that withdrawal has this meaning too. :( I mean
withdrawal from the agreement. I hope that it is clear enough.


>
>  Mumbling an apology, she dodged him and after taking a moment
>> to locate her target headed straight for it.
>>
>>   When she arrived, Akane's sister was seated sideways, resting on the
>> back,
>>
>
>
> Resting on the back of what? Did you mean resting on *her* back?
>
>
On the back of her seat, but I didn't want to repeat seat as soon. Perhaps
I can use chair.


>
>    Meanwhile, Nabiki had passed from the initial shock, through the
>> briefest
>> anger, to a state of calm indifference. This did not prevent that mentally
>> she wrote down the humiliation in Ukyo's debt, with the intent to make up
>> for it with interest.
>>
>
> A somewhat clumsy sentence.
>
>
Pity, I was proud of it.


>
>
>  "Thanks to a great publicity team," Nabiki contributed mockingly.
>>
>>   Ignoring her sister, Akane lifted the index finger.
>>
>>   "Second. Though she had it, she wouldn't go giving it away. She has
>> always
>> preferred to be the others who spend it."
>>
>
>  Um... huh?
>
> Suggest: She's always preferred to spend it (or) she's always preferred to
> be the one who spends it
>
>
It doesn't have the same meaning. I am pretty sure that, at least in the
original manga, Nabiki doesn't buy anything


>    She stopped and only when she was sure she had their full attention,
>> continued:
>>
>>   "Ranma considers you his best friend
>>
>
> No he doesn't, actually. That's one of the great fanfiction cliches with
> no real support in the original Takahashi series.
>
>
Perhaps not his best friend, but at least his oldest friend (and he hasn't
a lot of choose).


>
>  and we all know that friendship is
>> the great killer of love."
>>
>
> We do?
>
>
This is a lil joke. At least here, in Spain, if a girl tells you that she
love you but only as a friend, you can forget any hope to have a more
serious relationship.


>
>    The only response she received was the enigmatic smile of Akane's sister
>> while she raised her index finger.
>>
>>   "Second. You'll agree that, whatever your chances might be, these were
>> greatly reduced after your behavior last weeks' ceremony. "
>>
>
> behavior at last week's
>
> I'm always puzzled by continuation fics that postulate that bombing the
> wedding made a huge difference in Ranma's relation with Ukyo and Shamps. Is
> it really worse than how they'd treated him all along? See for example vol.
> 36 where they attack Ranma because they think he's giving Akane a wedding
> ring.
>
>
You are right but, in my opinion, you can explain it as the last straw.
Personally, I'm more puzzled with continuation fics where Ranma ends with
Ukyo or Shampoo without any explanation.


>    Nabiki filed away her memory Ukyo's strange reply and prepared to drop
>> the
>> bomb that she had discovered.
>>
>>   "Third," she said while she lifted her middle finger and allowed her
>> gaze
>> to wander among the teenagers. They were completely attentive to her
>> words.
>> Ukyo had even slightly leant forward to listen better.
>>
>
> I think the word you want there is "leaned"
>
>
I don't know. It is leant at least in UK.


>    Her sister waited to have her mouth empty before answering.
>>
>>   "As far as I know, yes. The language and expressions used are typical of
>> legal documents. Even I had to look up a couple of kanji that I didn't
>> understand!"
>>
>
>  Oh, that's just great.
>
> PHARMACIST: Well, it LOOKS like a valid prescription. It's got medical
> words on it. Even some Latin. So yeah, whatever.
>
>    As she spoke her chopsticks strolled over the food undecided.
>>
>>   "Moreover, I have checked the name of the firm. Although it isn't one of
>> the biggest, it was opened more than fifty years ago, after the end of the
>> Pacific War. If it isn't genuine, it's a very slick forgery."
>>
>
> And you certainly wouldn't want to call that firm and verify that the guy
> actually works there. That would be wrong.
>
>
:"> You are right. I will have to check this and the last one.


>
>    "Yes, I do." the young man said sheepishly.
>>
>>   Akane's eyes opened wide, not so much in surprise as in disbelief.
>>
>>
>>   "Do you believe her? Do you really believe her? How can you be so, so...
>> stupid to believe that lie, that idiocy, that crap, that, that ...?"
>>
>
> Good Ranma-Akane dialog in this scene, with a classic misunderstanding but
> a serious undertone.
>
>
Glad that you like it. :)


>
>    To Be Continued...
>>
>>     * Kiai: In martial arts, short cry uttered before, during or after
>> performing a technique.
>>
>
> If you have to explain it, consider just using something similar in
> English.
>
>
You have a point. I tried before with martial shout but I don't like the
way that it sounded; so I chose to use the original word.


>
> There's a lot to like here, but also some serious problems. It seems like
> the idea was for us to respect Ukyo for giving up a great reward in order
> to stay true to Ranma. That would've made a fine story but it didn't quite
> come across that way. It's more like, will you take a very large amount of
> money in order to forgive an obligation that you were never going to be
> able to collect on anyway? At some point she has to figure that either
> Ranma loves her best, or he doesn't. If he does, she doesn't need the
> obligation, and it's better if she doesn't have it because that way he can
> come to her of his own free will. If he doesn't, then the only thing the
> obligation *might* get her is a loveless and unhappy marriage, and even
> that seems massively unlikely at this point. But anyway, the mystery of who
> is behind the whole thing is intriguing and the whole thing promises some
> good drama ahead.
>

Other reviewer pointed the same thing. You can see it this way, or you can
see it the same way that Ukyo. It doesn't matter that she couldn't "collect
on" the obligation. The point here is that it is wrong to make a profit for
the agreement between Genma and her father.


>
> As for the writing, there were some promising passages, but they were few
> and far between. You need to work on getting your dialog and narration to
> flow more smoothly. Untangle your verbiage and get rid of stuff you don't
> need at all. There's unfortunately no magic formula for doing this. You can
> try reading it over in your head, or even out loud, to spot places where
> it's awkward. Don't expect to get it right on the first draft. Me, I'll
> often make two passes through a story, one to figure out what I want to say
> and another to figure out the best way to say it. Some people who write
> fiction for a living will make four or five passes through a story.
>
> Good luck with this and any future works. Keep writing, but keep working
> to make your writing better.
>
>
Thanks to take your time to answer and point the errors. I am trying to
improve and I hope to finish this story this year.

Kinai.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/attachments/20140530/d2f2d28b/attachment.html>