[FFML] [orig][oneshot] The Enigmatic Maiden

[Gary Kleppe]

Before we start, the obligatory complaint that you probably knew was  
coming: Don't quote back an entire story (as you did in your second  
post) just to add a link.

Okay, then:

Abdiel <chester.castaneda at gmail.com> wrote:

> Some otaku I turned out to be. How could I claim to be an "obsessive"
> fan of manga and anime without ever doing this?

HIROSHI: Gaining fifty pounds?

DAISUKE: Foregoing personal hygiene?

GARY: Oh, that is so unfair....


> I realized quickly that I wasn't in the same level of "otakuness" as my
> upperclassman... Daigoro Sawada, third year... because I ended up
> absolutely bewildered by the whole "Moe moe kyun, nya!" chant and
> ceremony offered by my adorable maid waitress who was serving my meal.


Even though this is first person, a more descriptive approach might be  
better here. If nothing else, I'd suggest showing us what the server  
does before giving us the guy's reaction to it.


> Except _Okinawa_ wasn't even my name. It was Okiname, for goodness's
> sake. I was supposed to pay 3,500 yen for this crap? Just because it was
> given a "magic spell" by some cutesy waitress in a cat girl and/or maid
> uniform? Don't give me that bullshit! How lonely and bereft of female
> interaction were Akiba's otaku population anyway?


DAISUKE: *ahem*

OKINAME: It was a rhetorical question.

HIROSHI: Oh. *whew*


> Shit, what if more girls started coming in? I could've sworn I entered

sworn I had entered
(use the "had" tense for events that happened before the current  
moment in narration)


> the men's room! Maybe someone was playing a prank on me and pasted a

and had pasted a


> She looked like he was about to bolt when the door to the men's room
> swung open. Before I knew it, I was shoved back into my stall altogether
> by her.

Suggest: Before I knew it, she had shoved me back into my stall.



> Back at some Akihabara Maid Cafe that I finally had the guts to visit
> after a year of living in the supposed Electric Town of Japan...


This was confusing to me at first. I thought the guy had returned to  
the Cafe and it took a little while to figure out that we were  
flashing back to continue the story of the previous time. Maybe you  
can find a better way of introducing this.



> I don't quite remember how we became friends, but here we were. I even


remember how we had become friends,


> However, I'd still standby that lame man through thick and thin since he


stand by (two words in this context)


The ending seemed a bit abrupt. I'd like to see a little more reaction  
from Oki after he learns the truth. Does he go into denial, deciding  
that he didn't really see Kyo with that stuff, and that maybe the  
whole incident in the bathroom might have been his imagination after  
all? Or does he react in some other way?

All in all, a nice character piece. There's a lot of story potential  
in the way we set up and react to expectations based on gender roles,  
and you make good use of it here.