[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly arc 3 chapter 4 Final Draft

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
>>> I wonder why spy movies don't use
>>> them more often.
>>>
>>
>> Ah, that's still a verb tense mismatch: "I still wonder" is what I think
>> you mean.
>>
> Thank you, thats what it needs to be fixed properly.

Sorry it took so long to work that out >\\>

>>> There was a brief silence before she changed the subject and though I was
>>> grateful for that, the new topic wasn't much more comfortable. Her already
>>> serious expression grew grim. "Do you really think you are doing the right
>>> thing with the others? They've killed Kari. They've killed three people
>>> all of them innocent."
>>
>> They're still killing Kari! ;_;
>>
> Sorry, sorry, somehow I missed that despite your warning me about it the
> first time.

I can tell that you tweaked it, it's actually a little funnier this 
way, ehehe... but it's too soon for her to die! :< (Unless she has 
memory backups somewhere? I think thats a different story though...)

;)

>>> Although I had good news I wasn't sure just how they would take everything
>>> I had to say.
>>>
>> "Good news, everyone!"
>> Sorry, my roommate's been watching a LOT of Futurama on Netflix recently ;)
>
> Hmm, probably not the source I should use as a guide for actions and
> desires for Kari.

Oh my no. Lol.
I'm trying not to think about that crossover now >_< Time periods are 
all wrong, for starters.

>>> It certainly drove home the fact that I needed this as much as
>>> they did. Seeing Master wasn't in the nick of time but nor had
>>> I had a lot of time left either.
>>
>> that last sentence is a smidge awkward (I think "nor" is the wrong word
>> there, but you can't just delete it)
>> Oh, and missing ** around Master ?
>
> True, I'll fix it up like this
>
> I can't say that I had put off talking to *Master* till the last moment,
> but I hadn't had a lot of time to spare either.

Looks great.

>> Aside from that nitpick, thanks for adding this paragraph :) Makes it feel
>> like she's calmed down some, or is getting more used to things... which
>> also makes me think something bad is going to happen before long, but that
>> may just be me ;)
>
> I think you are paranoid.  Just because cannonically Priss kill's Sylvie
> in the next few day's, Anri gets swept up by Largo, and beam satalites
> destroy several Genom towers, countless lives, and decimate Australian and
> German cities... well whats the problem?

Of course I'm paranoid, that's what I do ;)
But NOW the KS are going to have a DD Battlemover and/or fusion bomb! 
And you think a little downtime is supposed to make me happy, hmm?

^_^

Beam sats are one of the things I like most about original BGC... good 
times :)

>>> The temptation to keep it for myself had been strong, but selfish.
>>> I knew Anri needed it desperately,and it was also a pretty good way
>>> to buy myself legitimacy as a leader. It was a little cynical to
>>> think that way, but I couldn't see any way around it.
>>
>> Hmm, "as a leader" added there. That does put a different spin on it from
>> what I had originally read, which isn't bad.
>>
> I wasn't quite happy with the way it was before.  Kari is trying to be a
> leader, by example or if necesary command.  She needs the other two to fall
> in line and become good little boomers.  For her own peace of mind at this
> point.

I do think it's clearer this way, which may become important later. 
I'll just have to wait and find out :)


>> and... new stuff:
>>
> Yay new stuff!  Oh wait, I'm the author,  I guess it's not new to me...
> but your comments are!  YAY NEW STUFF!

hahaha :)

>>> To drag me kicking and screaming back to the basement of the
>>> Silky Doll or do worse with that harsuit.
>>
>> *hardsuit
>
> no, hairsuit.  This world has them as teutonic knights....

Sorry, my bad. I do think the basement would be preferable to a hairsuit.
;)

>>> Looking from one to the other with my heart on my sleeve I once
>>> again lamented that normal people couldn't conveytheir
>>> emotions this clearly to each other. Our programing that could
>>> read emotion so well equally capable of reproducing the social
>>> cues and  ticks to broadcast it.
>>
>> It's called "acting" ;)
>> Though reading is as much a skill as conveying, sometimes.
>>
> Yes, but for the most part acting is the conveyance of fake emotions.

Eh. Real-but-misplaced emotions work as well as "fake" ones, but my 
opinion (not being a professional actor) is that normal people have 
difficulty understanding what their emotions are well enough to convey 
them.
Or they just don't WANT to convey their real emotions.

But that's a tangent ;) I'm arguing with Kari, not you, which means 
this is not relevant to the story.

> But I think I need to go over the paragraph again anyway.
> Hopefully  this will be better
>
> Looking from one to the other with my heart on my sleeve I once again
> lamented that normal people couldn't communicate their emotions this
> clearly to each other.  Our programing could read emotion so well it was
> almost another language entirely, and we were equally capable of
> reproducing the social cues and ticks to broadcast it.

Oh! Yes, that is MUCH clearer IMO. Not that it wasn't before, but I 
think this is better :)

>>> I answered with three simple words.
>>>
>>> "The Knight Sabers."
>>>
>>
>> SHE'S DOING WHAT??!?
>>
>> OK, no, I did not see that coming.
>> It DOES make some sense at least.
>>
>> Much better cliffhanger here :D Really want to see how this one turns out.
>>
>
> This is not a cliffhanger.  It's just a dramatic end to a chapter.

Fine, fine... It's a better dramatic end than the last draft of this 
chapter; is that better? ;)

> As for what she's doing... well I would think it obvious. She's
> planning to trade a potentially VERY dangerous battlemover for
> money, repairs, and identities for her cousins as well as perhaps
> some good will and understanding.

That's the goal, yes, *that* makes sense.

But after the discussion with Nene before, I'm not sure how she 
intends to DO that without blowing everyone's cover.

Though Sylvie's discussion w/ Priss may reintroduce the KS to Kari, I 
wasn't expecting Kari to blow Priss's cover as Blue Saber... and I 
understood from Kari's conversations w/ Nene that she can't really use 
Nene as a courier to the KS without jeopardizing either Nene's 
connection to KS or her own connection to Nene.

So how is she intending to negotiate the trade to start with?

Reach out to KS online and hope they don't just send Nene after her?
Introduce Sylvie to Nene and see how things work out that way?

Bottom line: I thought she was trying to avoid the KS, and now it 
sounds like she's gonna knock on the door at the Silky Doll and try to 
sell them a battlemover w/ fusion bomb in exchange for... why expect 
the KS to exchange anything? Only way to stand up to the hardsuits is 
with the battlemover and using it to fight is NOT an option.

That's what threw me. But either she's got an idea I'm not expecting, 
or things just won't go the way she plans. Either way should be 
interesting :)

> Thank you again for your reviews, and I'm also quite grateful for your help
> in convincing me to combine the chapters.  The improvements you sugest do
> help quite a bit.

Happy to be of service :)
I've been kind shy about replying here since I don't have writing of 
my own to share, but it's nice to get involved with at least some of 
the 'fics that I like.

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.