[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly arc 3 chapter 4 Final Draft

[skychan]

>
> On reflection it really was perfect for holding a private conversation. A
>> soundproof room, filled with techno music, surrounded by all the white
>> noise a gaming center could provide. I wonder why spy movies don't use
>> them
>> more often.
>>
>
> Ah, that's still a verb tense mismatch: "I still wonder" is what I think
> you mean.
>
>
> Thank you, thats what it needs to be fixed properly.


>  When would I stop underestimating her!
>> ...
>>
>> I wanted to think we were still friends, but were we? Both of us were
>> hyper
>> aware of our *enhanced* relationship status. The turmoil was almost enough
>>
>> to overcome my usual reaction to everyone else's pheromones. But with Nene
>> I found a rock I could cling to amid the sea of desires.
>>
>
> I like the addition here, thanks :)
>
> You are welcome. And this is also why I appreciate reviews.

>
>  There was a brief silence before she changed the subject and though I was
>> grateful for that, the new topic wasn't much more comfortable. Her already
>> serious expression grew grim. "Do you really think you are doing the right
>> thing with the others? They've killed Kari. They've killed three people
>> all
>> of them innocent."
>>
>
> They're still killing Kari! ;_;
> Comma before her name, please? :) I'm trying to ignore comma issues but
> this is a "eats shoots and leaves"-level typo, completely changing the
> meaning of the sentence.
>
> Sorry, sorry, somehow I missed that despite your warning me about it the
first time.



>  Having put it off long enough I quickly dressed and gathered up my
>> dialysis
>> machine. This time mindful of witnesses, Nanami, I was cautious as I
>> slipped out of the building. It was time to meet up with Sylvie and Anri.
>> Although I had good news I wasn't sure just how they would take everything
>> I had to say.
>>
>
> "Good news, everyone!"
> Sorry, my roommate's been watching a LOT of Futurama on Netflix recently ;)
>
> Hmm, probably not the source I should use as a guide for actions and
desires for Kari.


>  Taking the subway in the evening on a weekend was almost relaxing as such
>> things go for me now. Only a few people in the carriage with me and none
>> of
>> the frantic post work energy or anxieties to work off. Juggling an extra
>> package after my first stop made the walk from the end of the line to
>> Sylvie's apartment building a little more exhausting. It certainly drove
>> home the fact that I needed this as much as they did. Seeing Master wasn't
>> in the nick of time but nor had I had a lot of time left either.
>
>


> that last sentence is a smidge awkward (I think "nor" is the wrong word
> there, but you can't just delete it)
> Oh, and missing ** around Master ? I'm not going to search the whole thing
> but those are usually there, right?  ...I lied, I may as well search >_>
> Looks like this is the only one outside of speech or ** internal
> 'monologue'.
>
> Possibly "Seeing *Master* wasn't in the nick of time but I didn't have a
> lot of time left either." Not sure if it's worth the work to redo but it
> reads better to me that way.
>
> True, I'll fix it up like this

I can't say that I had put off talking to *Master* till the last moment,
but I hadn't had a lot of time to spare either.


> Aside from that nitpick, thanks for adding this paragraph :) Makes it feel
> like she's calmed down some, or is getting more used to things... which
> also makes me think something bad is going to happen before long, but that
> may just be me ;)
>
> I think you are paranoid.  Just because cannonically Priss kill's Sylvie
in the next few day's, Anri gets swept up by Largo, and beam satalites
destroy several Genom towers, countless lives, and decimate Australian and
German cities... well whats the problem?


>  The temptation to keep it for myself had been strong, but selfish.
>> I knew Anri needed it desperately,and it was also a pretty good way
>>
>> to buy myself legitimacy as a leader. It was a little cynical to
>> thinkthat way, but I couldn't see any way around it.
>>
>
> Hmm, "as a leader" added there. That does put a different spin on it from
> what I had originally read, which isn't bad.
>
> I wasn't quite happy with the way it was before.  Kari is trying to be a
leader, by example or if necesary command.  She needs the other two to fall
in line and become good little boomers.  For her own peace of mind at this
point.


>
>
>>  everyone nearby, whoever you're fighting to protect will die along with
>> your. Promise me you won't use it. Please."
>>
>
> Weird--new typo: "your." used to be "yourself."
>
>
> Hmm, I think I was shortening it to You, and somehow missed the R.



>  "I know you haven't met her yet Anri, but she is a good person. She's also
>> not unique. There are countless people out there for you to meet, and any
>> one of them might become a friend. Someone to watch your back who doesn't
>> know it now but is just waiting to meet you." I let out a slightly
>> relieved
>> sigh as they began to understand where I was coming from.
>>
>> "I know not everyone is that way, and you have to be careful in who you
>> talk to, how you relate. I mean, nice as the crooks running this building
>> are I don't think they would make the best of friends." My laugh had them
>> joining me in a moment of understanding. "But really it's worth going out
>> there to find the special ones."
>>
>> Fidgeting a bit I decided it was time to fess up. "Actually I know Priss
>> as
>> well, and, while I can't honestly call her a friend, she IS a friend of
>> someone important to me. I want to be able to meet her again someday
>> without it becoming a fight." Watching Sylvie I paused to try and decide
>> how to explain.
>>
>
> That's part of the extended conversation... Good additions there and in
> the next couple paragraphs as well :)
>
> and... new stuff:
>
>
> Yay new stuff!  Oh wait, I'm the author,  I guess it's not new to me...
but your comments are!  YAY NEW STUFF!


>  Then she surprised me with another question. "What if she asks about you?"
>> That got me to squirm. I didn't want Priss to come after me. To drag me
>> kicking and screaming back to the basement of the Silky Doll or do worse
>> with that harsuit. But the answer had to be the same for me as for Sylvie.
>>
>
> *hardsuit

no, hairsuit.  This world has them as teutonic knights....


>  Looking from one to the other with my heart on
>> my sleeve I once again lamented that normal people couldn't convey their
>> emotions this clearly to each other. Our programing that could read
>> emotion
>> so well equally capable of reproducing the social cues and ticks to
>> broadcast it.
>>
>
> It's called "acting" ;)
> Though reading is as much as skill as conveying, sometimes.
>
> Yes, but for the most part acting is the conveyance of fake emotions.  But
I thinkI need to go over the paragraph again anyway.   Hopefully this will
be better

Looking from one to the other with my heart on my sleeve I once again
lamented that normal people couldn't communicate their emotions this
clearly to each other.  Our programing could read emotion so well it was
almost another language entirely, and we were equally capable of
reproducing the social cues and ticks to broadcast it.


>  Releasing the hug I sat back. They were like sisters, or cousin's yes
>> cousins. One's I hadn't seen in a long time but was close with as a kid
>> and
>> was now getting to meet again as an adult. Complete with the strange gulfs
>> of understanding and underlying sense of familiarity.
>>
>
> Now there's a simile I have personal experience with. Bonus points for
> that ;)
>
>
> Yay, trying to fix in my head, and Kari's and the readers' where she's at
was a bit tricky.


>  "I know someone who has had experience repairing a 33-S. I, um, I even
>> know
>> that they have a lot of money, and might be willing to help. It's just it
>> will probably cost us. Luckily I have an idea there as well. You don't
>> really need to keep the DD do you? It's worth a lot of money, and while
>> normally I would be very worried about anyone we might sell it to I trust
>> these people enough that we just might be able to trade it to them in
>> exchange for repairing Anri and enough money to make a real start. To get
>> out of Mega Tokyo if you want, to go to school and learn how to be more
>> than glorified maids, or just to buy state of the art programing and start
>> a trade on our own. They should even be able to help set up legal
>> identities if they're feeling really nice."
>>
>> "Who?" Asked Anri, eyes wide as she leaned closer as if that would make
>> the
>> answer appear sooner.
>>
>> I answered with three simple words.
>>
>> "The Knight Sabers."
>>
>
> SHE'S DOING WHAT??!?
>
> OK, no, I did not see that coming.
> It DOES make some sense at least.
>
> Much better cliffhanger here :D Really want to see how this one turns out.
>

This is not a cliffhanger.  It's just a dramatic end to a chapter.  As for
what she's doing... well I would think it obvious.  She's planning to trade
a potentially VERY dangerous battlemover for money, repairs, and identities
for her cousins as well as perhaps some good will and understanding.

Thank you again for your reviews, and I'm also quite grateful for your help
in convincing me to combine the chapters.  The improvements you sugest do
help quite  a bit.
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