[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly arc 3 chapter 4 Final Draft

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> Here's the final draft of arc 3 chapter 4.  I took what was going to become
> chapter 5 and mushed it into 4 as was recomended and finished out the
> conversation at the end.  I hope you approve or if not at least tell me how
> to improve it.
>
> Also I'm now posting the drafts up on space battles.
> http://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/frozen-butterfly-bubblegum-crisis-bgc-fanfiction.278175/
>
> Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4 a story of Bubblegum Crisis
>

> On reflection it really was perfect for holding a private conversation. A
> soundproof room, filled with techno music, surrounded by all the white
> noise a gaming center could provide. I wonder why spy movies don't use them
> more often.

Ah, that's still a verb tense mismatch: "I still wonder" is what I 
think you mean.


> When would I stop underestimating her!
> ...
> I wanted to think we were still friends, but were we? Both of us were hyper
> aware of our *enhanced* relationship status. The turmoil was almost enough
> to overcome my usual reaction to everyone else's pheromones. But with Nene
> I found a rock I could cling to amid the sea of desires.

I like the addition here, thanks :)


> And while she didn't look entirely comfortable she nodded, her soft hair
> dancing in the light pouring through the windows. "I'm not entirely
> innocent myself you know. Just don't make a habit of..." Catching herself she
> stopped before it became a command. "Sorry, *try* not to make a habit of
> breaking the law like that." I felt a sudden outpouring of extra affection
> at the consideration. She really did care and was going to let me stay free
> if she was being that careful with her words.
> ...
> I really didn't have a response for that. And while I could probably remain
> in seiza indefinitely her praise, *master's *praise made me want to fidget
> and move.

Nice addition there too.

> There was a brief silence before she changed the subject and though I was
> grateful for that, the new topic wasn't much more comfortable. Her already
> serious expression grew grim. "Do you really think you are doing the right
> thing with the others? They've killed Kari. They've killed three people all
> of them innocent."

They're still killing Kari! ;_;
Comma before her name, please? :) I'm trying to ignore comma issues 
but this is a "eats shoots and leaves"-level typo, completely changing 
the meaning of the sentence.

> When she let go the air felt almost chilly on my skin, even after so brief
> a contact. "I'll see you soon, and cover for you too, but it can't be
> forever. Be good." And just like that with a pat on the back and injunction
> Nene stood up. I watched her bouncing stride and swish of hair as she
> pulled the door shut behind her, the smile she spared me bringing an
> answering one to my lips. But all too quickly *master* was gone and I was
> left to my own thoughts.
>
> Even though I was now on the clock for talking with Sylvie I didn't want to
> move. Going out sooner wouldn't guarantee a better result, and I wanted to
> put it off in case things went bad for as long as possible.
>
> So I took a shower.
>
> It was nice, and with the hot water reserves of an entire building at my
> disposal although my skin was realistically pruned I had not run out of hot
> water despite the length. Damp and still dripping a little I made my way
> back through the halls toward my room only pausing as I saw the blurry dark
> haired form of Nanami watching TV in the lounge.

yup, looks to me like it flows pretty well.

> Shaking myself mentally to refocus on the here and now, I raised an eyebrow
> at Nanami. "Now then, while I'm flattered by the attention you should
> probably go before my robe slips any further." her blush was proof enough
> of her thoughts without any internal analysis needed. A new yukata really
> needed to go on my shopping list. Comfortable or not, if Nanami did turn
> these visits into a normal event one that seemed to slip open on its own
> really wasn't the best choice. Tugging it closed again, I gave her a smile.
> "I really should get dressed, and you really should be outside while I do.
> I'll catch up with you later, okay Na-chan?"

Nice addition there, also matches back with her nearly-empty wardrobe 
from earlier.

> Having put it off long enough I quickly dressed and gathered up my dialysis
> machine. This time mindful of witnesses, Nanami, I was cautious as I
> slipped out of the building. It was time to meet up with Sylvie and Anri.
> Although I had good news I wasn't sure just how they would take everything
> I had to say.

"Good news, everyone!"
Sorry, my roommate's been watching a LOT of Futurama on Netflix 
recently ;)

> Taking the subway in the evening on a weekend was almost relaxing as such
> things go for me now. Only a few people in the carriage with me and none of
> the frantic post work energy or anxieties to work off. Juggling an extra
> package after my first stop made the walk from the end of the line to
> Sylvie's apartment building a little more exhausting. It certainly drove
> home the fact that I needed this as much as they did. Seeing Master wasn't
> in the nick of time but nor had I had a lot of time left either.

that last sentence is a smidge awkward (I think "nor" is the wrong 
word there, but you can't just delete it)
Oh, and missing ** around Master ? I'm not going to search the whole 
thing but those are usually there, right?  ...I lied, I may as well 
search >_> Looks like this is the only one outside of speech or ** 
internal 'monologue'.

Possibly "Seeing *Master* wasn't in the nick of time but I didn't have 
a lot of time left either." Not sure if it's worth the work to redo 
but it reads better to me that way.

Aside from that nitpick, thanks for adding this paragraph :) Makes it 
feel like she's calmed down some, or is getting more used to things... 
which also makes me think something bad is going to happen before 
long, but that may just be me ;)

> The temptation to keep it for myself had been strong, but selfish.
> I knew Anri needed it desperately,and it was also a pretty good way
> to buy myself legitimacy as a leader. It was a little cynical to
> thinkthat way, but I couldn't see any way around it.

Hmm, "as a leader" added there. That does put a different spin on it 
from what I had originally read, which isn't bad.

> I didn't even try to hold myself separate from them. The first time we met
> I had felt it necessary to override my body's reactions and lie or at least
> conceal my thoughts. Today I felt keenly my kinship with them. I couldn't
> make myself continue to lie and although they both knew I had news they
> wouldn't like neither one pressed me on it, just enjoying the moment.

Much clearer now. Great :)


> everyone nearby, whoever you're fighting to protect will die along with
> your. Promise me you won't use it. Please."

Weird--new typo: "your." used to be "yourself."

> "I know you haven't met her yet Anri, but she is a good person. She's also
> not unique. There are countless people out there for you to meet, and any
> one of them might become a friend. Someone to watch your back who doesn't
> know it now but is just waiting to meet you." I let out a slightly relieved
> sigh as they began to understand where I was coming from.
>
> "I know not everyone is that way, and you have to be careful in who you
> talk to, how you relate. I mean, nice as the crooks running this building
> are I don't think they would make the best of friends." My laugh had them
> joining me in a moment of understanding. "But really it's worth going out
> there to find the special ones."
>
> Fidgeting a bit I decided it was time to fess up. "Actually I know Priss as
> well, and, while I can't honestly call her a friend, she IS a friend of
> someone important to me. I want to be able to meet her again someday
> without it becoming a fight." Watching Sylvie I paused to try and decide
> how to explain.

That's part of the extended conversation... Good additions there and 
in the next couple paragraphs as well :)

and... new stuff:

> Then she surprised me with another question. "What if she asks about you?"
> That got me to squirm. I didn't want Priss to come after me. To drag me
> kicking and screaming back to the basement of the Silky Doll or do worse
> with that harsuit. But the answer had to be the same for me as for Sylvie.

*hardsuit

> Looking from one to the other with my heart on
> my sleeve I once again lamented that normal people couldn't convey their
> emotions this clearly to each other. Our programing that could read emotion
> so well equally capable of reproducing the social cues and ticks to
> broadcast it.

It's called "acting" ;)
Though reading is as much as skill as conveying, sometimes.

> Releasing the hug I sat back. They were like sisters, or cousin's yes
> cousins. One's I hadn't seen in a long time but was close with as a kid and
> was now getting to meet again as an adult. Complete with the strange gulfs
> of understanding and underlying sense of familiarity.

Now there's a simile I have personal experience with. Bonus points for 
that ;)

> "I know someone who has had experience repairing a 33-S. I, um, I even know
> that they have a lot of money, and might be willing to help. It's just it
> will probably cost us. Luckily I have an idea there as well. You don't
> really need to keep the DD do you? It's worth a lot of money, and while
> normally I would be very worried about anyone we might sell it to I trust
> these people enough that we just might be able to trade it to them in
> exchange for repairing Anri and enough money to make a real start. To get
> out of Mega Tokyo if you want, to go to school and learn how to be more
> than glorified maids, or just to buy state of the art programing and start
> a trade on our own. They should even be able to help set up legal
> identities if they're feeling really nice."
>
> "Who?" Asked Anri, eyes wide as she leaned closer as if that would make the
> answer appear sooner.
>
> I answered with three simple words.
>
> "The Knight Sabers."

SHE'S DOING WHAT??!?

OK, no, I did not see that coming.
It DOES make some sense at least.

Much better cliffhanger here :D Really want to see how this one turns out.

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.