[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Draft Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> On Mon, Jan 20, 2014 at 11:18 PM, O David Morgan <dmorgan at tgbob.com> wrote:
>
>> skychan wrote:
>>
>>> Getting the rest of the way across the street I couldn't help
>>> but blush. Was *master* really taking me to a love hotel? D-did
>>> she want, it would be private, but she wouldn't want, but if I
>>> could coax her another way.
>>
>> Boomer Repairs slightly more likely, but I'm expecting gaming center.
>> Panicking much, Kari, or just your -S programming peeking through? :/
>>
> Well obviously it's her programming peeking through, it couldn't possibly
> be anything else, right?

Has Kari ever gotten to "try out" that part of her programming? 
There's a LOT of things it could be at this point >_>

>>> I wonder why spy movies don't use them more often.
>>
>> Oh! and verb tense issue--"I wonder" should be "I wondered".
>
> But, what if I still wonder?  It isn't as though Kari now knows and
> doesn't wonder any longer about the question... so which tense is correct
> given the continued state of wonderment?

Since you're using past tense for the entirety of the story, whether 
she "now" knows or wonders anything is undefined. You're just shifting 
tense from past to present in the middle of the paragraph.

Unless you're aware of a grammar reason to mix tenses like that... it 
just feels to me like a typo.

>>> Why she believed me so easily I don't know, I could have lied
>>> to her, I was almost sure of it.
>>
>> But you haven't, so "almost sure" doesn't count ;)
>
> I did like putting that in.  I wonder how many people will wonder if she
> could have lied here.

I think it was a great way of phrasing that :) I'm still uncertain as 
to what she could or could not have intentionally done, and how 
exactly 33-S programming treats the various forms of lying, but I'm 
only 33-40% confident that she could have lied in the manner Kari was 
referring to.

I have no idea what Nene's ideas on the subject are, as I think she 
was paying more attention to if Kari /would/ lie than to if she 
/could/ lie ;)


>>> Rogue boomers are dangerous because they don't know anything.  No
>>> one tells them the rules."
>>>
>>
>> Not sure I buy your explanation of rogue boomers, Kari, but I don't
>> remember how many you've actually seen so far -_- That's been a focal point
>> of a lot of 'fic though, so you might manage to be right.
>
> Are you saying that yet more rationalization may not be lords honest
> truth?  Darn!

Lol!

>>>   They've killed Kari, three people in the last week all of them innocent."
>>
>> Ah, comma before Kari there also, please? They've not killed Kari quite
>> yet ;)
>>
> Oops, just gave away what happens in the next chapter...

Ahahaha... short story then!
Or does she have backups somewhere? ^_-

>>> "I'll see you soon, and cover for you too, but it can't be
>>> forever. Be good." And just like that with a pat on the back
>>> and injunction she was gone.
>>
>> After Nene was so careful about giving orders previously, I am curious as
>> to how that last sentence will be taken, and if it was intentional. >_>
>
 > As for the parting phrase, of course it was
 > intentional, but also intentionally vague.

Well, "good" may be vague, and the context may make it less of a 
command, but the grammar is still pretty direct (imperative verb tense).
Though it DOES make a good test, it's not the sort of experiment I'd 
want to leave running unobserved for very long. So, hopefully Nene can 
check in sooner rather than later... again, I'm eager to see how this 
develops.

>> Well, hopefully I didn't get this to you too late, though aside from a few
>> typos I don't think there was anything major. Mostly just one scene here--a
>> long one, but overall the chapter is shorter than usual I think.
>
>   No, this chapter and the last were both a bit short, and perhaps should
> really be a single object.

For length, possibly.
But the cliffhanger between the two is hard to pass up! I'd first 
check to see if you could combine ch 2 and 3, and this and the next 
chapter (once that's written, at least).

Or even leave ch 2 and 3 as-is, but just add the next ch onto this? 
(Can you tell I really, REALLY like the cliffhanger from ch 3? ^_^)

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.