[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Draft Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4

[skychan]

On Thu, Jan 23, 2014 at 12:57 AM, O David Morgan <dmorgan at tgbob.com> wrote:

> skychan wrote:
>
>> On Mon, Jan 20, 2014 at 11:18 PM, O David Morgan <dmorgan at tgbob.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>>  skychan wrote:
>>>
>>>  Getting the rest of the way across the street I couldn't help
>>>> but blush. Was *master* really taking me to a love hotel? D-did
>>>> she want, it would be private, but she wouldn't want, but if I
>>>> could coax her another way.
>>>>
>>>
>>> Boomer Repairs slightly more likely, but I'm expecting gaming center.
>>> Panicking much, Kari, or just your -S programming peeking through? :/
>>>
>>>  Well obviously it's her programming peeking through, it couldn't
>> possibly
>> be anything else, right?
>>
>
> Has Kari ever gotten to "try out" that part of her programming? There's a
> LOT of things it could be at this point >_>
>
> Nope.  The closest she has come is flirting with Nanami in the bathroom
and Flint in bed.  Yes, just like with fortune cookies ending a sentance
with 'in bed' makes it sound more fun and naughty even if nothing naughty
actually occured.



>  I wonder why spy movies don't use them more often.
>>>>
>>>
>>> Oh! and verb tense issue--"I wonder" should be "I wondered".
>>>
>>
>> But, what if I still wonder?  It isn't as though Kari now knows and
>> doesn't wonder any longer about the question... so which tense is correct
>>
>> given the continued state of wonderment?
>>
>
> Since you're using past tense for the entirety of the story, whether she
> "now" knows or wonders anything is undefined. You're just shifting tense
> from past to present in the middle of the paragraph.
>
> Unless you're aware of a grammar reason to mix tenses like that... it just
> feels to me like a typo.
>
> Fair enough.  I waffled on the tense there myself.


>  Why she believed me so easily I don't know, I could have lied
>>>> to her, I was almost sure of it.
>>>>
>>>
>>> But you haven't, so "almost sure" doesn't count ;)
>>>
>>
>> I did like putting that in.  I wonder how many people will wonder if she
>> could have lied here.
>>
>
> I think it was a great way of phrasing that :) I'm still uncertain as to
> what she could or could not have intentionally done, and how exactly 33-S
> programming treats the various forms of lying, but I'm only 33-40%
> confident that she could have lied in the manner Kari was referring to.
>
> I have no idea what Nene's ideas on the subject are, as I think she was
> paying more attention to if Kari /would/ lie than to if she /could/ lie ;)
>
>
> Good, I don't want there to be certaintys about that in this story.  It is
meant to center on the uncertanties that are in the situation.


>  Rogue boomers are dangerous because they don't know anything.  No
>>>> one tells them the rules."
>>>>
>>>>
>>> Not sure I buy your explanation of rogue boomers, Kari, but I don't
>>> remember how many you've actually seen so far -_- That's been a focal
>>> point
>>> of a lot of 'fic though, so you might manage to be right.
>>>
>>
>> Are you saying that yet more rationalization may not be lords honest
>> truth?  Darn!
>>
>
> Lol!
>
>
>    They've killed Kari, three people in the last week all of them
>>>> innocent."
>>>>
>>>
>>> Ah, comma before Kari there also, please? They've not killed Kari quite
>>> yet ;)
>>>
>>>  Oops, just gave away what happens in the next chapter...
>>
>
> Ahahaha... short story then!
> Or does she have backups somewhere? ^_-
>
> It wouldn't be the first time she's been killed now woudl it?

>
>  "I'll see you soon, and cover for you too, but it can't be
>>>> forever. Be good." And just like that with a pat on the back
>>>> and injunction she was gone.
>>>>
>>>
>>> After Nene was so careful about giving orders previously, I am curious as
>>> to how that last sentence will be taken, and if it was intentional. >_>
>>>
>>
>>  > As for the parting phrase, of course it was
> > intentional, but also intentionally vague.
>
> Well, "good" may be vague, and the context may make it less of a command,
> but the grammar is still pretty direct (imperative verb tense).
> Though it DOES make a good test, it's not the sort of experiment I'd want
> to leave running unobserved for very long. So, hopefully Nene can check in
> sooner rather than later... again, I'm eager to see how this develops.
>
>
>  Well, hopefully I didn't get this to you too late, though aside from a few
>>> typos I don't think there was anything major. Mostly just one scene
>>> here--a
>>> long one, but overall the chapter is shorter than usual I think.
>>>
>>
>>   No, this chapter and the last were both a bit short, and perhaps should
>> really be a single object.
>>
>
> For length, possibly.
> But the cliffhanger between the two is hard to pass up! I'd first check to
> see if you could combine ch 2 and 3, and this and the next chapter (once
> that's written, at least).
>
> Or even leave ch 2 and 3 as-is, but just add the next ch onto this? (Can
> you tell I really, REALLY like the cliffhanger from ch 3? ^_^)
>

I have to admit, the cliffhanger at the end of chapter 3 was just too good
to pass up.  I don't really have an excuse for the shortness of this one
however.
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