[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Draft Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4

[skychan]

On Mon, Jan 20, 2014 at 11:18 PM, O David Morgan <dmorgan at tgbob.com> wrote:

> skychan wrote:
>
>> Hi,
>>
>> Here's the next chapter, please feel free to offer any help and
>> comments/critisism that you think might help improve the story flow or
>> grammar.
>>
>
> Wow, that was fast :)
> And it showed up the week I was moving, so sorry about the delay in my
> response.
>
> [though I think this is more my response to the character than useful
> criticism... that usually just means there's nothing major getting the way
> of the story]
>
>
> Yay!  That is nice to see.



>  Crossing the street I blinked.  We really were heading for the gaming
>> center.  Then my eyes began to trace the marque from the first floor up
>> and
>> I almost tripped.  2nd floor MacDonald's, 3rd floor Boomer Repairs, 4th
>> and
>> above… love hotel.
>>
>> Getting the rest of the way across the street I couldn't help but blush.
>>  Was
>> *master* really taking me to a love hotel?  D-did she want, it would be
>>
>> private, but she wouldn't want, but if I could coax her another way.
>>
>
> Boomer Repairs slightly more likely, but I'm expecting gaming center.
> Panicking much, Kari, or just your -S programming peeking through? :/
>
>
> Well obviously it's her programming peeking through, it couldn't possibly
be anything else, right?



>  On reflection it really was perfect for holding a private conversation.  A
>> soundproofed room, filled with techno music, surrounded by all the white
>> noise a gaming center could provide.  I wonder why spy movies don't use
>> them more often.
>>
>
> That's a good question :) I vote for "not interesting to the target
> audience" but... I'm getting distracted ;)
> Oh! and verb tense issue--"I wonder" should be "I wondered".
>
>
> But, what if I still wonder?  It isn't as though Kari now knows and
doesn't wonder anylonger about the question... so which tense is correct
given the continued state of wonderment?


>  I was happy to be in a small private room with her.  Shouldn't I be more
>> upset about the fact that I couldn't leave if I wanted to?
>>
>
> "Should" has odd meanings here. After all, you *are* a 33-S--and a
> prototype, at that. For a 33-S I'd generally say 'no', depending on what
> other goals it might have. But you'll have to figure out the answer for
> yourself, as well as justify it to yourself ;p
>
>
> This chapter is all about the self justifications, on both their parts.


>  Again my sincerity was easy to get across.  She didn't even try to hide
>> her
>> relief, leaning back against the couch and letting out the breath she had
>> been holding.  Why she believed me so easily I don't know, I could have
>> lied to her, I was almost sure of it.
>>
>
> But you haven't, so "almost sure" doesn't count ;)
> Again, nothing to fret about here; one can manipulate someone by telling
> the truth just as much as by lying to them. Fortunately you both want her
> to believe the truth, so things are easy here. Sylia will be a different
> matter :(
>
> I did like putting that in.  I wonder how many people will wonder if she
could have lied here.


>  "You mean kill them."  My voice was flat as I shifted to force Nene to
>> meet
>> my eyes, my posture slightly threatening, just enough to catch her
>> attention fully.  "I want to stop them.  If they never hurt someone again,
>> if they learn how to live in the real world they won't be a danger to
>> anyone.  Rogue boomers are dangerous because they don't know anything.  No
>> one tells them the rules."
>>
>
> Not sure I buy your explanation of rogue boomers, Kari, but I don't
> remember how many you've actually seen so far -_- That's been a focal point
> of a lot of 'fic though, so you might manage to be right. (Even if you're
> not completely right, it may still apply to some boomers that get labels as
> 'rogue'.)
>
> However, good job making the point that "stop" and "kill" are not the same
> thing.
>
>
> Are you saying that yet more rationalization may not be lords honest
truth?  Darn!


>  They've killed Kari, three people in the last week all of them innocent."
>>
>
> Ah, comma before Kari there also, please? They've not killed Kari quite
> yet ;)
>
> Oops, just gave away what happens in the next chapter...


>  Letting go, the air felt almost chilly on my skin, even after so brief a
>> contact.  "I'll see you soon, and cover for you too, but it can't be
>> forever.  Be good."  And just like that with a pat on the back and
>> injunction she was gone.
>>
>
> After Nene was so careful about giving orders previously, I am curious as
> to how that last sentence will be taken, and if it was intentional. >_>
>
> Well, hopefully I didn't get this to you too late, though aside from a few
> typos I don't think there was anything major. Mostly just one scene here--a
> long one, but overall the chapter is shorter than usual I think.
>

 No, this chapter and the last were both a bit short, and perhaps should
really be a single object.  As for the parting phrase, of course it was
intentional, but also intentionally vague.
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