[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Draft Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> Hi,
>
> Here's the next chapter, please feel free to offer any help and
> comments/critisism that you think might help improve the story flow or
> grammar.

Wow, that was fast :)
And it showed up the week I was moving, so sorry about the delay in my 
response.

[though I think this is more my response to the character than useful 
criticism... that usually just means there's nothing major getting the 
way of the story]

> Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 4 a story of Bubblegum Crisis
>

>>From her silence I think it was as much a surprise to Nene as me, *master

Ah, extraneous > there (and it wasn't just from my email program).

> not anticipating unit's response to command 72% probable.*  Why so low, or
> did she already suspect?

Well, Kari, probabilities are just that--probabilities--and they're 
just on your side as well. Doesn't address Nene's certainty in 
anything she may have suspected. (Aside from that, we've seen that 
Nene knows what's going on better than you knew till a minute ago, she 
probably just wasn't certain what it meant... or if it still applied.)

> Crossing the street I blinked.  We really were heading for the gaming
> center.  Then my eyes began to trace the marque from the first floor up and
> I almost tripped.  2nd floor MacDonald's, 3rd floor Boomer Repairs, 4th and
> above… love hotel.
>
> Getting the rest of the way across the street I couldn't help but blush.  Was
> *master* really taking me to a love hotel?  D-did she want, it would be
> private, but she wouldn't want, but if I could coax her another way.

Boomer Repairs slightly more likely, but I'm expecting gaming center. 
Panicking much, Kari, or just your -S programming peeking through? :/

> On reflection it really was perfect for holding a private conversation.  A
> soundproofed room, filled with techno music, surrounded by all the white
> noise a gaming center could provide.  I wonder why spy movies don't use
> them more often.

That's a good question :) I vote for "not interesting to the target 
audience" but... I'm getting distracted ;)
Oh! and verb tense issue--"I wonder" should be "I wondered".

> Tapping my toes I nervously watched my sneakers rise and fall, their
> pattern subconsciously/ no consciously shifting to match the techno beat.

Ah, this punctuation I'm gonna call you on; slashes are just wrong for 
this ;)
dash or emdash is what you want:
"...their pattern subconsciously--no, consciously--shifting to match 
the techno beat."

> It's just, Nene was my *master*.  How could I not have realized this before?
> Isn't it something a 33-S should just instinctively know?  Did this mean I
> didn't actually lo-like her, or were my feelings separate from the
> institution?  If I was supposed to be loyal to her when I woke up how did I
> run away the first time, and if I wasn't then why was I loyal to her now?  The
> confusion over my situation just continued to grow.

In order...
1) That is a VERY good question. I look forward to you figuring this 
one out.
2) Wrong question--apparently not, and besides, you're not a 
production-model 33-S, right?
3) Undefined, and probably irrelevant. Don't fret about it ;p
4a) "supposed to be loyal" has a lot of possible meanings.
4b) running away is not necessarily disloyal; besides, you weren't 
thinking very much about how it would affect her. That can be a good 
way to avoid loyalty issues in the first place.
4c) See question #1.

> I was happy to be in a small private room with her.  Shouldn't I be more
> upset about the fact that I couldn't leave if I wanted to?

"Should" has odd meanings here. After all, you *are* a 33-S--and a 
prototype, at that. For a 33-S I'd generally say 'no', depending on 
what other goals it might have. But you'll have to figure out the 
answer for yourself, as well as justify it to yourself ;p

> I let my confidence in that simple hope shining through my eyes and voice.

verb tense--"shining" should be "shine", I believe.

> Nene blinked to prevent a surprised tear from escaping, my simple words and
> faith having an effect.  "Oh Kari, why did you have to run away?  It was
> getting better, I almost had Priss convinced, and Sylia… she would have
> come around."  *Probability master believes this 56%.*

Hah. Nice try Nene; how long have you been trying to convince yourself 
of this? >_>

> I felt myself leaning toward her slightly, I would say subconsciously but
> was very cognizant of the decision to do so.

missing an "I" there at beginning of second line--"but I was very"

> Again my sincerity was easy to get across.  She didn't even try to hide her
> relief, leaning back against the couch and letting out the breath she had
> been holding.  Why she believed me so easily I don't know, I could have
> lied to her, I was almost sure of it.

But you haven't, so "almost sure" doesn't count ;)
Again, nothing to fret about here; one can manipulate someone by 
telling the truth just as much as by lying to them. Fortunately you 
both want her to believe the truth, so things are easy here. Sylia 
will be a different matter :(

> "I appreciate that you feel related to them Kari, but." Nene
> sighed. "You can't hold yourself responsible for their actions.
> They've gone rogue. They're unstable and a danger to everyone
> around them. We have to stop them."

Whats this "we" business, Nene? Kari may be your 33-S, but she's not a 
Knight Saber last I checked ;p Sounds like you're just telling her the 
same rationalization you tell yourself ^_-

> "You mean kill them."  My voice was flat as I shifted to force Nene to meet
> my eyes, my posture slightly threatening, just enough to catch her
> attention fully.  "I want to stop them.  If they never hurt someone again,
> if they learn how to live in the real world they won't be a danger to
> anyone.  Rogue boomers are dangerous because they don't know anything.  No
> one tells them the rules."

Not sure I buy your explanation of rogue boomers, Kari, but I don't 
remember how many you've actually seen so far -_- That's been a focal 
point of a lot of 'fic though, so you might manage to be right. (Even 
if you're not completely right, it may still apply to some boomers 
that get labels as 'rogue'.)

However, good job making the point that "stop" and "kill" are not the 
same thing.

> Even here incongruously listening to "sugar rush" it struck me as a
> bad ideato voice her allegiance aloud.

Sometimes it pays to be paranoid.

> I could feel her wavering, *master* just needed a tiny little bit more to
> push her over the edge.  "Please," I repeated.  "It would mean so much to
> me.  I, I'll even show you where I'm living now, and if it doesn't work you
> can take me back to the basement."  The manipulation wasn't even remotely
> fair to her.

Fair?? You're manipulating your *master* and you're worried about 
fair? -sigh-

> Snuggling into her side, arm slipping around behind me, Nene cradled my
> waist and it was enough for now to know she really did care.  "Alright
> Kari-chan, we can do this your way."  I imagined I could hear the fondness
> in her tone.  *Tone and inflection of master's tone indicative of affection
> 84% probable.  *"But don't think I missed what you did there."  I stiffened
> up minutely, she didn’t mean…
>
> "After all," her voice still gentle, "You didn't give up anything I didn't
> already have.  Even so, I think we're *Done Here*."  And I felt the
> restrictions on my behavior melt away like morning dew as she very
> obviously released the trigger command she had given back at the ADP.

Thank you, Nene. You're officially Freaking Awesome now :D
Now if the two of you can manage to stand up to Sylia, I will be 
entirely impressed.

> I wasn't sure where I really sat with my *Master*.

capital M there now? or typo?

> I knew a careless word from Nene, could twist me all around
> inside, and could she really believe anything I said wasn't tinted
> by my programing, could I?

"could she", you mean, at the end there?
If Kari is trying to include herself in those doubts, you'll need to 
rearrange the sentence to make grammatical sense.

Still, this could be very interesting if it becomes "a human finds out 
they're really a machine and tries to regain humanity" story for Kari. 
I'm just not sure yet if that's where you're trying to go with this.

> I could hear her grumbling a little to herself as we rode the elevator
> unmolested up to my floor and gave her had a sympathetic squeeze.

typo--"gave her hand"

> They've killed Kari, three people in the last week all of them innocent."

Ah, comma before Kari there also, please? They've not killed Kari 
quite yet ;)

> Letting go, the air felt almost chilly on my skin, even after so brief a
> contact.  "I'll see you soon, and cover for you too, but it can't be
> forever.  Be good."  And just like that with a pat on the back and
> injunction she was gone.

After Nene was so careful about giving orders previously, I am curious 
as to how that last sentence will be taken, and if it was intentional. >_>

Well, hopefully I didn't get this to you too late, though aside from a 
few typos I don't think there was anything major. Mostly just one 
scene here--a long one, but overall the chapter is shorter than usual 
I think.

Looking forward to the next one,
-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.