[FFML] [FANFIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Chapter 4 part 2

[skychan]

>
>
> OK; let me grab the last couple paras there and paste them in and see how
> it looks...
>
> Hm. Might want a section break there... Oo! You MIGHT instead be able to
> get by with promoting "So I took a shower." into a paragraph of it's own:
>
>
> Thank's for this sugestion.  I will definitely have to take a good look as
I merge the two.

And... yeah, this chapter is sloppier than usual, so looks like more
editing/proofreading than usual.
To start with... that last paragraph (immediately after "So I took a
shower.") has two extra-long sentences. Please break them up some? :)

Sorry, it is a proof read run short compared to when I normally post them.
I'll try to fix it up and do better.

>
>  "You aren't the only one to have taken Tachibana Sensei's introduction to
>> British literature course, or are you secretly otaku?"
>>
>> "No comment."
>>
>
> Lol. I'm a bit surprised that an "Intro to Brit Lit" course in japan would
> have HHGttG; maybe a "20th Century Brit Lit"? but that's just nitpicking.
> I am glad to see someone able to respond to Alice/Kari's oldschool
> references, even (especially?) if they don't realize where she got the
> reference from...
>
> Actually thats a very good point, I'll rename the class.  But yes, I did
want someone to be able to respond with snark without knowing the full
situation.


>
> Immediately I wanted to kick myself.  That did not come out quite right.
>  "What
> I mean is, that, well ah, if I do she has first dibs?"
>
> I'm STILL not sure that came out right, but at least Nanami got what she
> was trying to say ;)
>
> It's not really supposed to come out right.  :)

>
>  "Kari, don't worry.  I won't let that happen, WE won't let that happen."
>>  I
>> looked into Sylvie's eyes and wondered how she could feel so sure, so
>> secure in that statement.  "If anything happens we can fight.  We have the
>> DD, and the AD Police, even Doberman's are no match for it!"
>>
>
> ...I TOTALLY don't remember--do these two know anything about the Knight
> Sabers? because she doesn't mention them on this list, but Alice/Kari was
> thinking earlier about threatening them with the KS (if I read that right).
> Just seems a bit conspicuous--does she not think them worth mentioning?
>
> No, they really don't know much if anything about the Knight Sabers.  They
spent most of their time up on Genaros and so don't have a real good grasp
on all the possible threats.  It's also why I decided against having Kari
threaten them with the KS as a curb on their behavior as she alluded to
doing earlier.


>
>
>  "But I'm going to do it for you.  To help not hurt.  Priss will find out.
>>
> > Even if I do nothing, but it's how she finds out that is important."
>
> That last bit IS a nice truthful lie by omission--she's already done more
> than nothing :)
>
>
> Well, she's trying to be good.


>  Authors Note
>>
>> So, is this a good place to stop or do you think I should finish the
>> conversation here?
>>
>
> It doesn't feel like a good stopping point yet to me, mostly because I'm
> missing the importance of that question, for some reason. It seems like you
> mean it to be a cliffhanger (if you stop there) but I just don't see the
> cliff, I guess.
>
>
> Okay so 2 for 2 think I shouldn't end there.  Good to know.


> one comment regarding story pacing--this chapter (parts 1 and 2) is a LOT
> of conversation with only 2 or three paragraphs between each, and is
> continuing the conversation from the end of ch3. Oh! I just caught
> this--did she avoid the subway on the trip to Kamiya Biomedical and then to
> Sylvie & Anri? Or did she just handle it better this time?
>
Actually I had glossed over it, but given your comments here I think I
should go back into it with a bit more detail.
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