[FFML] [FANFIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Chapter 4 part 2

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
>   This will be merged with the existing chapter 4 text.

OK; let me grab the last couple paras there and paste them in and see 
how it looks...

Hm. Might want a section break there... Oo! You MIGHT instead be able 
to get by with promoting "So I took a shower." into a paragraph of 
it's own:

> Even though I was now on the clock for talking with Sylvie I didn't want to
> move.  Going out sooner wouldn't guarantee a better result, and I felt
> myself wanting to put it off in case things went bad for as long as
> possible.
>
> So I took a shower.
 >
> It was nice, and with the hot water reserves of an entire building
> at my disposal although realistically pruned I had  not run
> out of hot water despite the length. Damp and dripping a little I
 > made my way back through the halls to my room only pausing as
 > I saw the blurry dark haired form of Nanami watching TV in the
 > lounge.

I'm not completely sold on it either way, so if I change my mind later 
feel free to ignore me ;)

And... yeah, this chapter is sloppier than usual, so looks like more 
editing/proofreading than usual.
To start with... that last paragraph (immediately after "So I took a 
shower.") has two extra-long sentences. Please break them up some? :)

> Something about the twinkle in her eye letting me know I was in for it.

"letting" should be "let"

> This time the hint hurt in her voice is far more clear.

"hint of hurt" ?
This should be an interesting conversation though... :)

> "I'm also not the one who's had two showers today, and if it wasn't for the
> obvious reason then spill!"  Her tone once more eager, the hurt from
> moments ago gone.  Of course before I could start to answer she went on.  "So
> who was she?  What classes is she taking, is she a freshman and how did you
> meet?  I want to know everything."
>
> Thankfully being what I was parsing her questions was really quite easy,
> though I hoped as a petty bit of revenge her working through them would
> take at least a moment.  "Nene, None, No, Online, 42" Sitting back on my
> heals I grinned as she worked it out.

Heh. it's always fun answering a list of questions with a list of 
answers... and 42?

> "You forgot to tell me the question, what good is the answer if I don't
> know the question?"
>
> The smirk she returned had my mouth gaping.  "Wha, how did you even catch
> that reference?"
>
> "You aren't the only one to have taken Tachibana Sensei's introduction to
> British literature course, or are you secretly otaku?"
>
> "No comment."

Lol. I'm a bit surprised that an "Intro to Brit Lit" course in japan 
would have HHGttG; maybe a "20th Century Brit Lit"? but that's just 
nitpicking.
I am glad to see someone able to respond to Alice/Kari's oldschool 
references, even (especially?) if they don't realize where she got the 
reference from...

> "Alright, fine.  Her name is Romanova Nene, and she actually works for the
> AD Police."

Last name first, there? Shoot, I don't remember how you've given names 
before; so long as you're consistent I won't complain. People still 
argue over how best to translate that sort of cultural thing.

> "I know it's not really fair to you but um... I saw her first."
> Immediately I wanted to kick myself.  That did not come out quite right.  "What
> I mean is, that, well ah, if I do she has first dibs?"

I'm STILL not sure that came out right, but at least Nanami got what 
she was trying to say ;)

> That set Nanami back on her heals in thought.

typo: "heals" -> "heels"

> "Ah..." I could immediately see that any objection I might raise wasn't going
> to be accepted, either by my twin or my sister.  I gratefully settled down
> at the edge of the bed.  Starting to unpack both blood and machine while
> Sylvie helped Anri get more comfortably positioned beside me.

Something rubs me wrong about that last sentence; not sure if it's 
technically verb tense or lack of a subject, but...
"I started to unpack...." seems much better for some reason.

> I wasn't holding back this time.  I had felt it necessary before to
> override my bodies reactions to lie.

typo: "body's"

> Today though the feeling of closeness and community, it was too
> much and I couldn't make myself continue so even though they both
> knew I had news they wouldn't like neither one pressed me on it,
> just enjoying the moment.

That's also awkward and long; a couple tweaks to leave it long (and 
still run-on-y) but less awkward IMO:
"Today though, the feeling of closeness and community was too much, 
and I couldn't make myself continue so even though they both knew I 
had news they wouldn't like neither one pressed me on it, we just 
enjoyed the moment."

> Anri chimed in with her own encouragement.  "You've been free the longest,
> we trust you and your judgment."

That's always a good place to be >_<

> morality and following it.  The good parts.  "We're on trial.  No, more

extra " there before We're

> "Kari, don't worry.  I won't let that happen, WE won't let that happen."  I
> looked into Sylvie's eyes and wondered how she could feel so sure, so
> secure in that statement.  "If anything happens we can fight.  We have the
> DD, and the AD Police, even Doberman's are no match for it!"

...I TOTALLY don't remember--do these two know anything about the 
Knight Sabers? because she doesn't mention them on this list, but 
Alice/Kari was thinking earlier about threatening them with the KS (if 
I read that right). Just seems a bit conspicuous--does she not think 
them worth mentioning?

> "Kari, you know I can't do that.  If I have to, to protect Anri, or you, I
> will.  If you two were to die, then, what good is living going to be?"

Yes, but you can suicide-by-fusionbomb AFTER the other people die. 
Don't take them out yourself in a blaze of glory, that's just not 
helpful ;)

> Anri watched as our sister struggled with the dilemma.  To tell a friend
> something that might end the friendship, or to hide something that if
> discovered would certainly do so.  Turning to me she stated, having already
> realized the truth but wanting to ensure our sister heard it.  "You're
> going to let her know if Sylvie doesn't aren't you."  Not stopping there
> she drew a breath.  "About everything, even though the harvesting was
> wrong, that we will just be dangerous killers in her eyes if you do."

The phrasing here throws me off. I *think* there's an extra "that" 
after "wrong"; removing it or changing to "but" seems to be the 
meaning you want.

> "But I'm going to do it for you.  To help not hurt.  Priss will find out.
 > Even if I do nothing, but it's how she finds out that is important."

That last bit IS a nice truthful lie by omission--she's already done 
more than nothing :)

> Authors Note
>
> So, is this a good place to stop or do you think I should finish the
> conversation here?

It doesn't feel like a good stopping point yet to me, mostly because 
I'm missing the importance of that question, for some reason. It seems 
like you mean it to be a cliffhanger (if you stop there) but I just 
don't see the cliff, I guess.

I hope I got all the verb tense issues that I spotted on my first 
readthrough... post another draft and I'll be happy to go through it 
again, though :) I noticed another typo near the end of ch4 part 1 
that I neglected to mention last time, as well:

 > "Nene looked for a moment light she might add something else "

should be "like", not "light", if you hadn't caught that yet.

one comment regarding story pacing--this chapter (parts 1 and 2) is a 
LOT of conversation with only 2 or three paragraphs between each, and 
is continuing the conversation from the end of ch3. Oh! I just caught 
this--did she avoid the subway on the trip to Kamiya Biomedical and 
then to Sylvie & Anri? Or did she just handle it better this time?

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.