[FFML] [FANFIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Chapter 4 part 2

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
>>
>>
>> And... yeah, this chapter is sloppier than usual, so looks like more
>> editing/proofreading than usual.
>
> Sorry, it is a proof read run short compared to when I normally post them.
> I'll try to fix it up and do better.

Well if that means you want to post an extra draft here compared to 
normal, I'm fine with that ^_^

>>> "If anything happens we can fight.  We have the
>>> DD, and the AD Police, even Doberman's are no match for it!"
>>
>> ...I TOTALLY don't remember--do these two know anything about the Knight
>> Sabers? because she doesn't mention them on this list, but Alice/Kari was
>> thinking earlier about threatening them with the KS (if I read that right).
>> Just seems a bit conspicuous--does she not think them worth mentioning?
>
> No, they really don't know much if anything about the Knight Sabers.  They
> spent most of their time up on Genaros and so don't have a real good grasp
> on all the possible threats.  It's also why I decided against having Kari
> threaten them with the KS as a curb on their behavior as she alluded to
> doing earlier.

OK. That's what I expected but it wasn't clear yet. That decision 
might be something to expand on, if you think you need to add anything.

>>> "But I'm going to do it for you.  To help not hurt.  Priss will find out.
>>> Even if I do nothing, but it's how she finds out that is important."
>>
>> That last bit IS a nice truthful lie by omission--she's already done more
>> than nothing :)
>
> Well, she's trying to be good.

True dat :)

>> one comment regarding story pacing--this chapter (parts 1 and 2) is a LOT
>> of conversation with only 2 or three paragraphs between each, and is
>> continuing the conversation from the end of ch3. Oh! I just caught
>> this--did she avoid the subway on the trip to Kamiya Biomedical and then to
>> Sylvie & Anri? Or did she just handle it better this time?
>
> Actually I had glossed over it, but given your comments here I think I
> should go back into it with a bit more detail.

It just seems like an important part of the story, to me. It's a way 
for us to see how she's growing/handling herself without her 
interacting with a particular person.

Plus it serves as a break between other things happening and gives 
everyone a chance to decompress, but if Kari (blast it, she keeps 
changing names; how am I supposed to refer to her here?) is too 
focused on something else to pay much attention to the ride herself, 
that's a reason to skip it as a scene. I'd still mention it so the 
reader gets a better feel for how she's doing, but I may be biased on 
that ;)

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.