[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 5 Draft

[skychan]

>
>  Genom Industries Battlemover, serial number 32-DD-J1-7RIA1.
>>
>
> Hahaha. /Someone/ at Genom has a sense of humor :)
>
> Glad you liked it, and noticed.  Though it actually does match the serial
number format I set up previously of Year, Model, Type, and then unit
designation.  :)



>  The literature I read months ago had described the failsafe system, a
>> micro
>> neutron bomb.  From the name it would presumably be a small explosion.
>>  Small
>> is a relative term.  The explosive radius would be approximately 1400 feet
>> with an overpressure wave killing out to half a mile.  Even so it wasn't
>> the purely physical affects that scared me the most.  The radiation from a
>> neutron bomb is its main threat.  That would kill out to almost two miles
>> depending on intervening materials.
>>
>
> Mind if I ask where you got these numbers? This is really a minor nitpick
> (doesn't affect the story any), but Wikipedia is claiming a 1kt yield
> neutron bomb delivers third-degree burns to 500m, pressure wave dropping to
> 4.6 PSI (which isn't good for killing people) at 600m, and 50% fatality
> rate for radiation poisoning at 1400m (1 mile is about 1600m) in open air.
> Seems like your numbers have a smaller burn/explosive radius and much
> larger pressure/radiation radius, so I can't tell if they're bigger or
> smaller yield.
>
> Admittedly your story has had decades to improve the technology, and the
> #s from Wikipedia may be based on 80s technology :)
>
>
> Actually its the difference between types of nuclear weapon.  Neutron
bombs are typicaly smaller explosions wider radiation than regular bombs
that emphasize explosive potential.  I don't remember the site at the
moment but I did put a lot of thought into it.  And deciding how big,
'micro' needed to be to still have terrifying effects on a city without
pushing it into stupidly large values of kilotons.


>  It looked something like a cat, ready to pounce even
>> now and I wondered how much of that was in my mind and how much was form
>> following function.
>>
>
> Hopefully the Genom tech with the sense of humor didn't give the
> battlemover a taste for string or belly-rubs, ne? ;)
> (though maybe he was able to make it do the pre-pounce butt-wiggle thing?
> haha)
>
>
> There is something undeniably cute about the thought of a giant
battlemover giving a wiggle then pouncing to bat a knight saber playfully
back and forth.


>  Throwing an arm over my shoulders and pulling me close she confided.  "The
>>
>
> Comma there rather than period, I think.
>
>  I hmmmed as she elaborated a bit about the corruption she had
>> uncovered. Instead of listening closely I was far more interested
>> in examining the battlemover in front of me and admittedly the
>> warmth of her body pressed against my side. Eventually though I had
>> to interrupt.
>>
>
> Nice way to evade describing the [story-irrelevant] details here :D
>
>
> Well it would have just been as boring to the readers as Kari.  Why write
it out if I don't have to?


>  With a somewhat put upon sigh, that both of us knew was false
>>
>
> That's one of the things I enjoy about your 33-S conversations: there are
> a lot of layers to it.
> I don't want you to change anything here as I don't think Kari grasps the
> difference, but from a technical standpoint I don't think the sigh was
> "false"... Sylvie meant to communicate something that she knew Kari would
> understand, which just doesn't happen to match what outsiders would think
> she meant.
>
> And I like the way you present that, even if I happen to disagree with
> Kari's conclusion :)
> (I think I disagree with her a lot, but then I'm contrary by nature--I
> frequently disagree with a lot of people.)
>
>
> It is one of the more amusing things to do with the 33-S's.  There should
be some more of that soon, hopefully it will meet your exacting standards
again.


>   Reluctantly I only rode with Sylvie as far as the nearest subway
>> line. It would be unfair to make her my personal chauffer,
>> especially as I could tell she was anxious to getback
>> and check on Anri. Although I wasn't looking forward to the commute
>> I also felt Anri's well being was more important than my comfort.
>>
>
> Yay another subway scene! Hahaha
>
> Someone pointed out that was a major thorn of her existence.  So now I
have to make sure to comment on them whenever they must occur.  Or make
them occur just so I can comment on them... I wonder which it is, and if it
was you who pointed it out.


>  The subway was worse than I feared.  The press of bodies was such that I
>> wasn't so much standing as being propped upright like a sardine packed
>> into
>> a can.  Undignified as that was, what was worse, I was stuck next to a
>> groper.  While his attentions were unpleasant, what was almost worse was
>> having to fight off the subliminal urge just to let him do as he so
>> obviously wanted.  No matter, however thick the pheromones are I am NOT
>> that kind of girl.  *Crunch* and now his instep knows that too.
>>
>
> 1) That had to happen at some point :<
>
> 2) Clarity: The section starting "No matter, however thick the pheromones
> are..." I'm having difficulty making sense out of the first bit. I think
> you could /almost/ take out the "No matter," but it really does need some
> sort of negative transition/conjunction to denote the opposing nature of
> the two statements. Hm.
>
> Maybe it's the comma tripping me up?
>
>
> "While his attentions were unpleasant, what was almost worse was
> having to fight off the subliminal urge just to let him do as he so
> obviously wanted. No matter how thick the pheromones are I am NOT that
> kind of girl."
>
> Yeah, that reads better to me.
>
>
> I think that comma snuck in somewhere somehow, because your right, it
shouldn't be there!



>  The world seemed to swirl around me, vibrant and alive. Around me
>> marched throngs of young attractivestudents.
>> In the haze I focused on Sylvie, it helped. There was no lust
>> there, no secret unspoken craving, just sisterhood and
>> understanding.
>>
>
> Interesting here. I was starting to think she was getting better at riding
> the subway... maybe she was just picking better (not-morning-rush-hour)
> times?
> ...Or maybe the fresh blood also increases her system's responsiveness to
> sensory input? That could make things more difficult than expected :/ Seems
> like she's dealing ok with it though.
>
>
> Its actually a combination of both.  She has been careful on when she
rides the subway, and this was the first time she's been caught in standing
room only for a long while.  As for fresh blood, it does increase
the efficency of pretty much everything she does.



>
>> Pretending to look affronted she replied quickly.  "I'm not stalking you,
>> I
>> just happened to be heading to breakfast when I saw you, but enough about
>> me.  What were you doing out so late you're only getting in now?"  There
>> was a definite gleam in her eye making it obvious what her fertile
>> imagination had conjured but I wasn't going to rise to the bait.
>>
>
> Sounds like a stalker to me -laughs-
> (Or at least on her way to becoming a stalker? I'm not expecting it but
> it's starting to feel that way a little bit.)
>
> Well Kari is the first girl she's found attractive, and if I've failed by
now to show just how impulsive and... experimental and experiential a kind
of girl Naomi is then I'll have to fix that, somehow.


>
>> "Of course not!"  I sighed a bit in relief at her answer.  "I'll be
>> waiting
>> for you to get out of the shower.  Breakfast is over rated anyway."  To
>> which I could only groan and hang my head.
>>
>
> Yup, stalker. ;p
>
>
> A little bit yah.


>  Thankfully for once she was joking.  Although we missed breakfast it was
>> nice to spend a little time together just talking on our way to class.
>>
>
> Oh. Um, now I'm a bit confused.
> Naomi /wasn't/ waiting for her to get out of the shower, but Kari missed
> breakfast... and then they walked to class together? I guess it's the "*we*
> missed breakfast" that throws me off. Makes it feel like Naomi was waiting
> for Kari instead of getting breakfast herself.
>
>
> Hmm, yes. She did wait, but not outside the shower... I guess I should
clarify that then.

>
>   T-shirt may not seem the most flattering of cloths but it's all in how
>> you
>>
>
> *clothes
>
> yikes, thanks for the two quick catches in a row there.

>
>  I shook my digital head before remembering she couldn't get the same level
>> of immersion as myself.
>>
>
> Heh. Nice touch :)
> (And also subtly refers to the us versus them you mentioned earlier...)
>
> I wanted to try to highlight the difference between how they were using
the chat program without rehashing how I had done so the first time they
conversed like this.

>
>  No matter how much fun it was being back in college, too many
>> things were happening to for my peace of mind.
>>
>
> extra "to" between "happening" and "for"
>
>
> And this is why its so good to have someone willing to help edit like
this.  Reading your own work you can just miss things like that.


>  Still gotta write out your work for math, but the work itself should be
> less difficult once she gets Mathmatica installed ;)
> (What level of math is she taking, anyway? -curious/forgetful-)
>
>
> She would be taking Calc 2.  Second year with an undeclared major.



>  So it was with great relief that when class ended I found an email from
>> Nene waiting when class finally ended.
>>
>
> Oops, I missed this the first time, but: "when class ended" is repeated
> there.
>
> Well its got to end when it ends, right?

>
>  Riding the subway back toward the center of town it felt almost as if I
>> were a cork bobbing in the sea of humanity around me.  A part yet separate
>> from my surroundings.  I was nervous.  How would Sylia look at me, as a
>> person or a machine?
>>
>
> edit first:
> suggest "A part of, yet separate from, my surroundings." [or omit the
> commas if that fits your writing style better]
>
> and my response to Kari:
> I still think Sylia is right to see you as a machine. But you do a better
> job than most of thinking that you're a person, and hopefully you'll be
> able to get Sylia to treat you that way (regardless of how she sees you).
>
>
> Hmm, now this is the most hypocritical sounding view I've read in a
while.   I'm not saying it is, just that it sounds that way.  On the one
hand pointing out that she IS a machine.  While on the other complimenting
her on being a person and hoping she can be seen as one.  Talk about
sending mixed messages if you were there talking with her!  I'm not even
gonig to say that you are wrong.  There is a lot of machine in Kari, and
it's actualy growing a bit more pronounced even as the lines between her
two sides blur and those machine inspired behaviors stop being machine
inspired.  At least I hope that I'm getting across the fundamental changes
to her personality.


>  Considering my recent encounters with Sylvie and Anri I realized it would
>> be frighteningly easy to disassociate myself from a humanities point of
>> view.
>>
>
> Slight confusion here: "from a humanities point of view" means what
> exactly? I'm used to "humanities" meaning "the study of humanity" (often in
> a college setting, which is where Kari is). I think you meant "from
> humanity's point of view", as Sylvie and Anri are separated from humanity's
> perspective.
>
>
> It should have been from a human  not humanities.  Probably a change in
the sentance didn't fix that going from humanties to a human.

Which do you think is better?  "from humanity's" or "from a human"?



>  Already time spent with the others had me dividing the world into us and
>> them.  It was a distinction that I hadn't even dwelt on before.  How much
>> greater would the divide get over time?  Would I even consider myself a
>> person?  Or more ethically worrying would it grow until I no longer felt
>> bound by the same social conventions that humanity is?
>>
>
> Good, she's finally getting to think about this some more xD
>
>
> Hopefully at the same time that the internal divide is going away!



>  I stumbled out of the cloying masses at the next station.  I felt sick.
>>  Even
>> the possibilities I had contemplated refusing to leave me alone.  As I
>> staggered away from the subway and into the laughably 'cleaner' air of the
>> inner city I realized how fast my heart was racing.  Aware of it I could
>> damp down the physiological signs of stress subconsciously fighting the
>> haze of pheromones had caused.
>>
>
> Yeah, a crowded subway is NOT a good place for her to be doing thinking
> like that :/
>
>
> Look she's getting better at riding the subway!


>  It took only moments to adjust my own autonomic processes.  It was just
>> one
>> more inhuman aspect of my life, but this time I embraced it.  The clarity
>> and calm brought by a few intentional changes more than made up for giving
>> in to a little bit of transhumanism.
>>
>
> And biofeedback like that is not necessarily inhuman... but is it the
> first step she was afraid of making just a few minutes ago?
>
> ^_^
>
> Shh, she hasn't noticed that yet.  She's still in the middle of becoming!



>  So it was walking with a confident stride, despite the eyes it drew, that
>> I
>> approached the entrance to the Silky Doll.  The confidence building
>> justification I repeated in my mind was a little different than I had ever
>> used before.  –*I am a beautiful, desirable woman and I am in
>> control.-*
>>
>
> ...She's going for a meeting with *Sylia* of all people and she's trying
> that? Feels like she's playing Sylia's game before the game even starts,
> and that's generally a bad idea...
>
> That implies Sylia has feelings. :p



>  Psychingmyself up for a high stress meeting I let that truth sink in. I
>> wasgoingin, I could do this; just don't let them see you sweat!
>>
>>
>>  The smile I gave him was almost vulpine.  It was clear he had been told
>> I
>> was coming, -*Subject expecting us due to lack of indicators for surprise
>> 89% probable.*- However whatever he might have anticipated my stepping
>>
>> right up and flirting shamelessly wasn't among them.
>>
>
> Hah. I *am* curious to see what Sylia does with this, she won't be
> unaware...
>
>
> Well what do you think of Sylia's method of keeping Kari in line as far as
her brother is concerned?


>  Laughing slightly I took a quick moment to stuff the lingerie set into my
>> backpack.  It was a small gesture, but pilfering like this made me feel
>> rebellious.  It wasn't as if Sylia couldn't afford the loss and even if it
>> weren't true it gave me the illusion that I wasn't worried about what she
>> might do even if she did, as was probable, have a camera in here to watch
>> me.
>>
>
> Maybe you'll just owe her later?  >_>
>
> Or prove she's a little more human than boomer, or prove she has no morals
and is more boomer than human.  That gesture can be taken a lot of differnt
ways.



>  Already I thought?  I took a breath and let my instincts take over.
>>  Settling
>> into the sofa my body relaxed.  My posture softened as I stopped trying to
>> match her professionalism, instincts smoothing out my own responses and
>> making my gestures more graceful and natural.  I did notice a slight quirk
>> in her brow as she poured my tea in response, but as she decided not to
>> bring it up neither did I.
>>
>
> Told ya. Don't play high-pressure business meeting with Sylia; it's her
> playground and you're not dressed for it.
>
>
> Nope, even with all her advantages she doesn't have nearly a good enough
read on Sylia to try and play that game.  Luckily she has some practice
with Sylvie and Anri at using a sub band for communicating extra
information, even if she can't pick up a response.


>  That first cup would have been nerve wracking if I had let it.  Just
>> sitting there politely, sipping tea and nibbling sandwich wedges.  I
>> wasn't
>> sure why she was torturing me with polite niceties but the Lamb doesn't
>> question the Lion when it joins it in peace.
>>
>> Finally she broke the silence, her voice coming out cool, without
>> inflection.
>>
>
> Kari managed to get Sylia to speak first, so that's a point to Kari. :D
>
> Actually I just decided that Sylia didn't care enough to draw things out
further.  She recognized what Kari had done and decided she didn't want to
try dealing with the 33-S but instead the person.  Drawing out a contest of
wills against 33-S programing is meaningless.


>  intentions inconclusive.-*  "I am not yet willing to discuss that
>> subject."
>>
>
> Interesting... so what subject does she wish to discuss first?
>
>
> See, she wants to deal with Kari about Kari, not with a 33-S about other
33-S's


>  I had really let myself get into it now.  Voice, posture, all calculated
>> to
>>
> try and push my point of view using *–platonic-* rather than *–romantic
>> protocols*.-  "As for why I kept quiet that's easy.  I didn't want to do
>>
>> anything that could hurt my friends.  And maybe, just maybe if a situation
>> like this did happen, where you caught up with me it would be proof that
>> you can trust me to be free, without a leash."
>>
>
> Enlightened self-interest?
>
> Kari is a big believer.

>
>  Exasperatingly she remained absolutely calm.
>>
>
> Sylia does that xD
>
> Its kind of her defining character trait.  If she gets visibly angery be
afraid.


>
>  Carefully she set down her
>> teacup and leaned back until her spine was perfectly straight.  "I
>> understand what you have said.  If then we do not do anything to restrict
>> your freedom or curtail your activities you will continue to keep our
>> secrets and behave in as upright and law abiding a manor as ourselves?"
>>
>
> *manner
> (did you use a spellchecker on this? There have been a couple misspells
> that it wouldn't have caught, or that might be incorrect spellcheck
> suggestions)
>
> No, just a simple as you type one that underlines mispelled words without
offering a sugestion.  Most of these improper words are my own creation!



>  "Ye-" I was already starting to answer the first half of her question when
>> the slight twitch of an eyebrow registered.  –*Subject intentionally
>> injecting humor to lighten the mood of negotiations probability 68%.-*
>>
>
> ::goes back and re-reads::
> Bwahahahaha!!
> She just has to be as law-abiding as the KS... that's lovely. Good one,
> Sylia ^_^
>
>
> Well Sylia is no hypocrite.  Dangerously obsessed with revenge and a bit
cracked in the head yes, hypocrite no.

>
>   Standing up I started to pace a little, a blend of my own personality
>> and
>> instincts working together.  "Then they were taught that humanity, the
>> ones
>> who had given them those rules broke them without a thought.  They didn't
>> get a chance to learn through cultural osmosis like even a child with a
>> bad
>> parent.  One day they were born, and the next they were being treated as
>> slaves.  Being raped, handed around like party favors, punished if they
>> didn't do as they were told, and then punished again because their regular
>> duties aren’t getting done.  With those kinds of people for role models,
>> with that as an example of what kind of behavior is appropriate is it any
>> wonder they didn't think twice before taking steps to save their own
>> lives?"
>>
>
> I have a hard time seeing Sylia as "unfair" but I think Kari has a good
> point: *these* murderers have a VERY good chance of being rehabilitated.
>
>
> Why do you say that about Sylia?  Did I give the impression that she was
going to be unfair?  What she's really trying to do is get some guarantees
that she won't be making a mistake if she does let Kari and the others get
off without punishment.  It's also a not so veiled excuse/explaination to
readers for why I think they should be accepting of Kari's plans as just,
without handwaving away the fact of the crimes.


>  So I bulled onward before she could interrupt.  "I will admit I resorted
>> to
>> enlightened self-interest as a short-cut but it's hard to skip straight to
>> other philosophies of ethics when their world experience is both so
>> limited
>> and of the nature they have endured.
>>
>
> I personally think that enlightened self-interest works pretty well--and
> more developed human-centric ethics may not apply very well to 33-Ses, or
> at least they may not see it that way.
>
>
> I agree.  And yes you called the enlightened self interest earlier.  That
had me smiling.  It is a pretty good philosophy for a boomer.  And as Kari
says, trying to integrate them with another system of ethics would be
tricky and take a lot more time.


>  Sylia rose to her feet, and I couldn't help but notice again just how much
>> taller than me everyone else was.  "Yes, it will not be long.  I already
>> have its specifications and it will not take long to make the
>> arrangements.
>> I expect that sometime this evening would be most appropriate."
>>
>
> For not wanting to talk about it that's pretty fast...  -paranoid-
> OTOH that's a good reason not to talk about it first. Get the *difficult*
> stuff out of the way, then deal with the easy stuff.
>
>
> Well you might not remember, but Sylia does have a commission to retrieve
the DD.  So even while she's not showing it there is a little girl
inside doing the moonwalk over getting her hands on it so easily.


>  Just before the doors began to close Sylvia said one more thing.  "Oh and
>> Kari, stick to black.  White would make you look 16.  I doubt you want
>> Mackie to think you are available."  Then they shut with a click.
>>
>
> HAH!
> This may be the most humorous version of Sylvia I have ever seen. I
> approve :)
>
> I was trying for a dry wit, I hope I succeeded.

>
>  Now that just wasn't fair.  It's not my fault I'm a petite model, I was
>> designed this way damn it!  It made me petulant enough to consider
>> shoplifting a set in white just to spite her, but, Sylia was right.  It's
>> already hard enough for me to be taken seriously without being mistaken
>> for
>> an adolescent.
>>
>
> There's that enlightened self-interest again ;)
>
> Feels like a good way to end the chapter, too.
>
> Oh, well thats actually really good then.  I was thinking of going
further, but as I consider it maybe your right and all the action can be
done next chapter leaving this one entirely charachter building.


>
> OK, hopefully my comments are helpful or at least make sense. I don't feel
> as awake as I'd like to and I was distracted a couple times while getting
> this put together. Mostly there were a couple typos/clarifications, and the
> rest is reader responses.
>
> Hmm, 4 months since the last one? Well, I can't say much, I've had a
> busy/distracting year myself.
> Thanks for continuing this!
>
Hopefully I won't go 4 months again. This really was a tough chapter to get
my head around as my characters had escaped my plans and I had to wrangle
everything back into place. That's hopefully now all been achived and I can
move on from here more quickly.
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