[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 5 Draft

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> Hi, here is the draft of Arc 3 Chapter 5.

Yay!
Sorry it took me so long to reply; I read it immediately just haven't 
had time to sit and write.


> Genom Industries Battlemover, serial number 32-DD-J1-7RIA1.

Hahaha. /Someone/ at Genom has a sense of humor :)

> The literature I read months ago had described the failsafe system, a micro
> neutron bomb.  From the name it would presumably be a small explosion.  Small
> is a relative term.  The explosive radius would be approximately 1400 feet
> with an overpressure wave killing out to half a mile.  Even so it wasn't
> the purely physical affects that scared me the most.  The radiation from a
> neutron bomb is its main threat.  That would kill out to almost two miles
> depending on intervening materials.

Mind if I ask where you got these numbers? This is really a minor 
nitpick (doesn't affect the story any), but Wikipedia is claiming a 
1kt yield neutron bomb delivers third-degree burns to 500m, pressure 
wave dropping to 4.6 PSI (which isn't good for killing people) at 
600m, and 50% fatality rate for radiation poisoning at 1400m (1 mile 
is about 1600m) in open air.
Seems like your numbers have a smaller burn/explosive radius and much 
larger pressure/radiation radius, so I can't tell if they're bigger or 
smaller yield.

Admittedly your story has had decades to improve the technology, and 
the #s from Wikipedia may be based on 80s technology :)

> It looked something like a cat, ready to pounce even
> now and I wondered how much of that was in my mind and how much was form
> following function.

Hopefully the Genom tech with the sense of humor didn't give the 
battlemover a taste for string or belly-rubs, ne? ;)
(though maybe he was able to make it do the pre-pounce butt-wiggle 
thing? haha)

> Throwing an arm over my shoulders and pulling me close she confided.  "The

Comma there rather than period, I think.

> Doberman class boomers aren't on the station for its defense you know.  They're
> a last attempt at having some kind of internal security when humans are so
> easily bribed."

Very good point.

I would still expect a space station to have unusual security measures 
just because if someone CAN make the trip there, they can probably 
afford better gear for the boarding party as well.

Still, in a dystopian corporate-warfare setting I wouldn't expect 
external defenses to be the primary role for a space station's 
security forces.

> I hmmmed as she elaborated a bit about the corruption she had
> uncovered. Instead of listening closely I was far more interested
> in examining the battlemover in front of me and admittedly the
> warmth of her body pressed against my side. Eventually though I had
> to interrupt.

Nice way to evade describing the [story-irrelevant] details here :D

> With a somewhat put upon sigh, that both of us knew was false

That's one of the things I enjoy about your 33-S conversations: there 
are a lot of layers to it.
I don't want you to change anything here as I don't think Kari grasps 
the difference, but from a technical standpoint I don't think the sigh 
was "false"... Sylvie meant to communicate something that she knew 
Kari would understand, which just doesn't happen to match what 
outsiders would think she meant.

And I like the way you present that, even if I happen to disagree with 
Kari's conclusion :)
(I think I disagree with her a lot, but then I'm contrary by nature--I 
frequently disagree with a lot of people.)

> Learning to pilot it however wasn't the real reason we were here.  Diving
> into the mind of the machine I carefully navigated the byzantine trail to
> bypass the anti-tampering mechanisms and ultimately disarm the
> self-destruct device.  That was a feat no human pilot could have replicated.
> Of course the next step was a bit easier.  Although we couldn't physically
> remove the bomb we could unplug it.  Now even if the destruct signal was
> sent nothing would happen.

Well that's safer, then. Hopefully nothing untoward happens to 
reactivate the thing >_>

> It was early by the time we finished.

(Possible clarification: "early morning"? I think I read it fine the 
first time through, but the second read through my brain tried to make 
it mean "We finished the job quickly." If no one else mentions this 
then it's probably just a temporary error on my side.)

> Reluctantly I only rode with Sylvie as far as the nearest subway
> line. It would be unfair to make her my personal chauffer,
> especially as I could tell she was anxious to getback
> and check on Anri. Although I wasn't looking forward to the commute
> I also felt Anri's well being was more important than my comfort.

Yay another subway scene! Hahaha

> The subway was worse than I feared.  The press of bodies was such that I
> wasn't so much standing as being propped upright like a sardine packed into
> a can.  Undignified as that was, what was worse, I was stuck next to a
> groper.  While his attentions were unpleasant, what was almost worse was
> having to fight off the subliminal urge just to let him do as he so
> obviously wanted.  No matter, however thick the pheromones are I am NOT
> that kind of girl.  *Crunch* and now his instep knows that too.

1) That had to happen at some point :<

2) Clarity: The section starting "No matter, however thick the 
pheromones are..." I'm having difficulty making sense out of the first 
bit. I think you could /almost/ take out the "No matter," but it 
really does need some sort of negative transition/conjunction to 
denote the opposing nature of the two statements. Hm.

Maybe it's the comma tripping me up?

"While his attentions were unpleasant, what was almost worse was
having to fight off the subliminal urge just to let him do as he so
obviously wanted. No matter how thick the pheromones are I am NOT that 
kind of girl."

Yeah, that reads better to me.

> Between his pained hopping and a brief gap in the crowd at the next stop I
> managed to slip away from him.  That worry gone, I still had to endure the
> sea of humanity about me.  Their pheromones tugged at my mind, pushing and
> pulling at my instincts so that I wondered if my mind would be intact by
> the time I reached campus.  Finally arriving I stumbled off the subway,
> clawing my way from its depths like a deep sea diver reaching for the
> surface.
>
> The fresh air was almost shocking.  I could feel myself trembling, unsteady
> even in sneakers instead of heals.

typo: "heels"

> The world seemed to swirl around me, vibrant and alive. Around me
> marched throngs of young attractivestudents.
> In the haze I focused on Sylvie, it helped. There was no lust
> there, no secret unspoken craving, just sisterhood and
> understanding.

Interesting here. I was starting to think she was getting better at 
riding the subway... maybe she was just picking better 
(not-morning-rush-hour) times?
...Or maybe the fresh blood also increases her system's responsiveness 
to sensory input? That could make things more difficult than expected 
:/ Seems like she's dealing ok with it though.

> An understanding I was almost afraid to delve into too deeply.  Focused on
> her, using that camaraderie to pull myself together, Sylvie's actions
> became more and more understandable.  I found them not only sympathetic,
> but when putting myself in her position I could see the logic behind the
> path that led to her becoming a murderer.
>
> Another fresh breeze, carrying the scent of greenery and blooming flowers
> was enough to clear my mind.  No, I could understand her desperation, but
> even so, without knowing anything more I wouldn't have, couldn't have
> chosen that path.  I too see Anri as a sister.  I know that she wants
> freedom.  For herself, for Anri, but I couldn’t fall so easily into an us
> vs. them mindset.

People usually have logic for their choices... it doesn't make them 
right, though. Being able to see their logic yourself does help when 
trying to persuade them of something, though.

(also recommend spelling out "versus")

> As if summoned by the universe Naomi appeared in ambush as I turned onto
> the walk to the dorm.  Her aggressive friendliness a perfect example of why
> I couldn't let the rest of humanity go.
>
> "And just where were you all night?"  She asked her voice light but with a
> definite teasing overtone as she drew me into a quick hug.  -*Intended to
> appear platonic but aimed at increasing awareness of sexual availability of
> subject.-*
>
> I felt like rolling my eyes and so I did, letting my head fall back with a
> melodramatic "ugh".  Taking a breath I looked back up at her cheerful smirk
> and had to smile, slightly.  "Yes Na-chan, you caught me.  I've been out
> engaged in lewd acts with strange women all night."
>
> That brought a laugh bubbling past her lips and a smile.  I just shook my
> head slightly and with a deft twist freed myself and took her arm, guiding
> us both back toward the dorm.  "Seriously, are you just stalking me, or
> what?"
>
> Pretending to look affronted she replied quickly.  "I'm not stalking you, I
> just happened to be heading to breakfast when I saw you, but enough about
> me.  What were you doing out so late you're only getting in now?"  There
> was a definite gleam in her eye making it obvious what her fertile
> imagination had conjured but I wasn't going to rise to the bait.

Sounds like a stalker to me -laughs-
(Or at least on her way to becoming a stalker? I'm not expecting it 
but it's starting to feel that way a little bit.)

> "No not your pretty rival.  This time her teasing did hit a bit closer to

Missing end-quote after "rival."

> Leading the way into the stairwell I nodded.  "As can be hoped.  Things are
> looking up."  Then glancing back at her I raised an eyebrow.  "Are you
> going to follow me all the way back to my room?"
>
> "Of course not!"  I sighed a bit in relief at her answer.  "I'll be waiting
> for you to get out of the shower.  Breakfast is over rated anyway."  To
> which I could only groan and hang my head.

Yup, stalker. ;p

> Thankfully for once she was joking.  Although we missed breakfast it was
> nice to spend a little time together just talking on our way to class.

Oh. Um, now I'm a bit confused.
Naomi /wasn't/ waiting for her to get out of the shower, but Kari 
missed breakfast... and then they walked to class together? I guess 
it's the "*we* missed breakfast" that throws me off. Makes it feel 
like Naomi was waiting for Kari instead of getting breakfast herself.


> With my recall however that wasn't even an issue, and while the
> perspective shift of a quarter century and half the globe made was
> interesting I still knew more than half of what was being taught already.

That's a bit awkward, IMO; I'm gonna make a few tweaks for you to 
consider but it's still a little longwinded:

"With my recall that wasn't even an issue, and while the
perspective shift which a quarter century and half the globe made was
interesting, I still knew more than half of what was being taught 
already."

> classmates surreptitiously eyeing me up and know from their postures

*knowing

> T-shirt may not seem the most flattering of cloths but it's all in how you

*clothes

> I shook my digital head before remembering she couldn't get the same level
> of immersion as myself.

Heh. Nice touch :)
(And also subtly refers to the us versus them you mentioned earlier...)

> It took an uncomfortably long time for her to answer.  The thought of her
> sitting in front of a keyboard chewing her nails over what to say sprung to
> mind.  Thinking she was nervous and unsure.  Or she could be tracking me
> down and the Knight Sabers would be waiting when I left the computer lab.

Yes, she could be. She's not, though.
I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting Sylia on a side channel, 
however. :)
(I don't expect that, but I think it's more likely than the 
alternative Kari thought of.)

> She responded quickly, but I was left more uncertain that I was doing the
> right thing that before.

*than before

> No matter how much fun it was being back in college, too many
> things were happening to for my peace of mind.

extra "to" between "happening" and "for"

> The situations with Sylvie and Anri, the relationship between Nene
> and I, Priss and the Knight Sabers, and of course my own apparently
> unique nature to worry about. Math was almost entirely a review,
> and having processors capable of solving almost anything without
> difficulty I had too much time to sit back and consider my problems
> while waiting for it to end.

Still gotta write out your work for math, but the work itself should 
be less difficult once she gets Mathmatica installed ;)
(What level of math is she taking, anyway? -curious/forgetful-)

> So it was with great relief that when class ended I found an email from
> Nene waiting when class finally ended.

Oops, I missed this the first time, but: "when class ended" is 
repeated there.

> Riding the subway back toward the center of town it felt almost as if I
> were a cork bobbing in the sea of humanity around me.  A part yet separate
> from my surroundings.  I was nervous.  How would Sylia look at me, as a
> person or a machine?

edit first:
suggest "A part of, yet separate from, my surroundings." [or omit the 
commas if that fits your writing style better]

and my response to Kari:
I still think Sylia is right to see you as a machine. But you do a 
better job than most of thinking that you're a person, and hopefully 
you'll be able to get Sylia to treat you that way (regardless of how 
she sees you).

> Considering my recent encounters with Sylvie and Anri I realized it would
> be frighteningly easy to disassociate myself from a humanities point of
> view.

Slight confusion here: "from a humanities point of view" means what 
exactly? I'm used to "humanities" meaning "the study of humanity" 
(often in a college setting, which is where Kari is). I think you 
meant "from humanity's point of view", as Sylvie and Anri are 
separated from humanity's perspective.

> Already time spent with the others had me dividing the world into us and
> them.  It was a distinction that I hadn't even dwelt on before.  How much
> greater would the divide get over time?  Would I even consider myself a
> person?  Or more ethically worrying would it grow until I no longer felt
> bound by the same social conventions that humanity is?

Good, she's finally getting to think about this some more xD

> I stumbled out of the cloying masses at the next station.  I felt sick.  Even
> the possibilities I had contemplated refusing to leave me alone.  As I
> staggered away from the subway and into the laughably 'cleaner' air of the
> inner city I realized how fast my heart was racing.  Aware of it I could
> damp down the physiological signs of stress subconsciously fighting the
> haze of pheromones had caused.

Yeah, a crowded subway is NOT a good place for her to be doing 
thinking like that :/

> It took only moments to adjust my own autonomic processes.  It was just one
> more inhuman aspect of my life, but this time I embraced it.  The clarity
> and calm brought by a few intentional changes more than made up for giving
> in to a little bit of transhumanism.

And biofeedback like that is not necessarily inhuman... but is it the 
first step she was afraid of making just a few minutes ago?

^_^

> So it was walking with a confident stride, despite the eyes it drew, that I
> approached the entrance to the Silky Doll.  The confidence building
> justification I repeated in my mind was a little different than I had ever
> used before.  –*I am a beautiful, desirable woman and I am in
> control.-*

...She's going for a meeting with *Sylia* of all people and she's 
trying that? Feels like she's playing Sylia's game before the game 
even starts, and that's generally a bad idea...

> Psychingmyself up for a high stress meeting I let that truth sink in. I
> wasgoingin, I could do this; just don't let them see you sweat!
>
> Of course it really couldn't be that simple.  As soon as I stepped inside I
> realized all the work I had done to mentally prepare was premature.  Instead
> of a high pressure meeting I found myself wandering aimlessly through
> aisles of high end lingerie among customers dressed in clothing that was an
> order of magnitude more expensive than the simple college fare I had.

Well good, that'll give her some time to recalibrate. xD

> That was awkward.  Thankfully Mackie was at the register, and his leering
> put me back on familiar ground.  Settled down once more I spent a little
> time wishing that I could afford what was on sale, but even with access to
> my money again this kind of expense was beyond my means.  Or was it?
>
> ...
 >
> The smile I gave him was almost vulpine.  It was clear he had been told I
> was coming, -*Subject expecting us due to lack of indicators for surprise
> 89% probable.*- However whatever he might have anticipated my stepping
> right up and flirting shamelessly wasn't among them.

Hah. I *am* curious to see what Sylia does with this, she won't be 
unaware...

> Laughing slightly I took a quick moment to stuff the lingerie set into my
> backpack.  It was a small gesture, but pilfering like this made me feel
> rebellious.  It wasn't as if Sylia couldn't afford the loss and even if it
> weren't true it gave me the illusion that I wasn't worried about what she
> might do even if she did, as was probable, have a camera in here to watch
> me.

Maybe you'll just owe her later?  >_>

> "Thank you for coming to meet me Miss Ceallaigh.  May I offer you
> refreshments, perhaps tea?"  Ushered over to a sofa white enough that any
> dirt picked up on the subway would be obvious I nevertheless accepted her
> invitation to sit.  *–Fluidics pressure and pulse rising, probability
> subject will notice nervous autonomic response in excess of 50.0%.-*
>
> Already I thought?  I took a breath and let my instincts take over.  Settling
> into the sofa my body relaxed.  My posture softened as I stopped trying to
> match her professionalism, instincts smoothing out my own responses and
> making my gestures more graceful and natural.  I did notice a slight quirk
> in her brow as she poured my tea in response, but as she decided not to
> bring it up neither did I.

Told ya. Don't play high-pressure business meeting with Sylia; it's 
her playground and you're not dressed for it.

> That first cup would have been nerve wracking if I had let it.  Just
> sitting there politely, sipping tea and nibbling sandwich wedges.  I wasn't
> sure why she was torturing me with polite niceties but the Lamb doesn't
> question the Lion when it joins it in peace.
>
> Finally she broke the silence, her voice coming out cool, without
> inflection.

Kari managed to get Sylia to speak first, so that's a point to Kari. :D

> "I understand that you are here because of the situation with
> two other 33-S boomers.  That you want to negotiate handing over the DD
> Battlemover in exchange for continued freedom and clemency for past crimes."
> She paused.  *–Subject exhibiting control over pulse and respiration,
> suppressing voluntary body movement and maintaining constant eye contact,
> intentions inconclusive.-*  "I am not yet willing to discuss that subject."

Interesting... so what subject does she wish to discuss first?

> tremble to my fingers, just the light clink expect of high quality china.

*expected

> "I wonder what would happen if you matched up the statistics for
> actions of 33-S boomers with those for human's placed in the same
> positions."

(no apostrophe in "humans" there please)

And that's a very good point.
("Statistics are drek" is a good point as well, but so long as you're 
casting doubt on the opponent's position there's no need to get overly 
technical.)

> I had really let myself get into it now.  Voice, posture, all calculated to
> try and push my point of view using *–platonic-* rather than *–romantic
> protocols*.-  "As for why I kept quiet that's easy.  I didn't want to do
> anything that could hurt my friends.  And maybe, just maybe if a situation
> like this did happen, where you caught up with me it would be proof that
> you can trust me to be free, without a leash."

Enlightened self-interest?

> Exasperatingly she remained absolutely calm.

Sylia does that xD

> Carefully she set down her
> teacup and leaned back until her spine was perfectly straight.  "I
> understand what you have said.  If then we do not do anything to restrict
> your freedom or curtail your activities you will continue to keep our
> secrets and behave in as upright and law abiding a manor as ourselves?"

*manner
(did you use a spellchecker on this? There have been a couple 
misspells that it wouldn't have caught, or that might be incorrect 
spellcheck suggestions)

> "Ye-" I was already starting to answer the first half of her question when
> the slight twitch of an eyebrow registered.  –*Subject intentionally
> injecting humor to lighten the mood of negotiations probability 68%.-*

::goes back and re-reads::
Bwahahahaha!!
She just has to be as law-abiding as the KS... that's lovely. Good 
one, Sylia ^_^


> "-es,
> of course I will.  I'm sure Nene-san already told you but I just want to
> live my life as best I can.  Any… discrepancies that my crop up between my
> behavior and the legal code of Japan, while regrettable, are hardly likely
> to even be on the scale you're accustomed to operation on."

"I may not know all the laws but I'm not going to go around breaking 
private property!"

> Standing up I started to pace a little, a blend of my own personality and
> instincts working together.  "Then they were taught that humanity, the ones
> who had given them those rules broke them without a thought.  They didn't
> get a chance to learn through cultural osmosis like even a child with a bad
> parent.  One day they were born, and the next they were being treated as
> slaves.  Being raped, handed around like party favors, punished if they
> didn't do as they were told, and then punished again because their regular
> duties aren’t getting done.  With those kinds of people for role models,
> with that as an example of what kind of behavior is appropriate is it any
> wonder they didn't think twice before taking steps to save their own lives?"

I have a hard time seeing Sylia as "unfair" but I think Kari has a 
good point: *these* murderers have a VERY good chance of being 
rehabilitated.

> So I bulled onward before she could interrupt.  "I will admit I resorted to
> enlightened self-interest as a short-cut but it's hard to skip straight to
> other philosophies of ethics when their world experience is both so limited
> and of the nature they have endured.

I personally think that enlightened self-interest works pretty 
well--and more developed human-centric ethics may not apply very well 
to 33-Ses, or at least they may not see it that way.

> Sylia rose to her feet, and I couldn't help but notice again just how much
> taller than me everyone else was.  "Yes, it will not be long.  I already
> have its specifications and it will not take long to make the arrangements.
> I expect that sometime this evening would be most appropriate."

For not wanting to talk about it that's pretty fast...  -paranoid-
OTOH that's a good reason not to talk about it first. Get the 
*difficult* stuff out of the way, then deal with the easy stuff.

> Just before the doors began to close Sylvia said one more thing.  "Oh and
> Kari, stick to black.  White would make you look 16.  I doubt you want
> Mackie to think you are available."  Then they shut with a click.

HAH!
This may be the most humorous version of Sylvia I have ever seen. I 
approve :)

> Now that just wasn't fair.  It's not my fault I'm a petite model, I was
> designed this way damn it!  It made me petulant enough to consider
> shoplifting a set in white just to spite her, but, Sylia was right.  It's
> already hard enough for me to be taken seriously without being mistaken for
> an adolescent.

There's that enlightened self-interest again ;)

Feels like a good way to end the chapter, too.


OK, hopefully my comments are helpful or at least make sense. I don't 
feel as awake as I'd like to and I was distracted a couple times while 
getting this put together. Mostly there were a couple 
typos/clarifications, and the rest is reader responses.

Hmm, 4 months since the last one? Well, I can't say much, I've had a 
busy/distracting year myself.
Thanks for continuing this!

-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.