[FFML] [SHnY] [Lime] The Disappearance of Kyonko

[Henry Cobb]

On Thu, Sep 1, 2011 at 12:04 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>> "I don't want to give her the satisfaction of messing with brigade
>> business, but Koizumi you look totally beat. Is that part-time job really
>> worth it? Just go home, all of you. I'll see you in the clubroom on
>> Monday."
>
> I ... don't understand how this is Kyonko's fault, even remotely from
> Haruki's PoV?  It sounds like Haruki is blaming Kyonko for Koizumi
> being exhausted.  Technically, true, but Haruki shouldn't know that.

What I intended here was using Koizumi's state as an excuse for Haruki
to call off a session his heart wasn't in.  Perhaps playing out his
thought processes more would help with that.

>> "No, no, I insist. If my part-time job causes a disruption, then it should
>> at least pay for this." She made her way to the cashier.
>>
>> Monday morning when I got to the classroom the chair in front of me was
>> empty. Well that wasn't that big a deal, she was always running late. She
>> wasn't there when the bell rang. She wasn't there when the teacher arrived
>> and she wasn't there when roll was called.
>
> Might as well put a scene divider between those.

What do you mean by that? When I skip time (a whole day in this case),
I give the new "timestamp".

Sunday by himself should be all sorts of internal conflict fun for
Haruki, but he's villainous enough without monologing.

>> "Please, Mr. Nagato." Asahina ran over to us. "Don't make such jokes."
>
> No exclamation points?

My vision of Mr. Asahina has him as a timid mousy little boy. YMMV.

>> "Nagato, this is the wrong time for you to be quoting science fiction to
>> me. Don't mess with me. Wait, you're serious. How can you be serious about
>> this? How crazy are you, man?"
>
> This should probably be an entire scene, not just one paragraph.

The expansion would be in thinking, reacting, or what exactly?

>> She grabbed my arm. "Don't die! Even if this world might continue without
>> you, I don't want you to die."
>
> Only one exclamation point?

She needs a smile though.

> Earthquake isn't a proper noun.

Oops!

> This feels remarkably abrupt.

The tradition would be to go to the training montage at this point,
but I've been immunized against the cliche plague.

> On a personal note, I'd rather hope that Kyonko never has to deal with
> this Haruki again.  There's also the huge issue with Haruki rejecting
> the child he evidently fathered with Kyonko, even if he's chasing
> after her anway.  Absolutely wouldn't want to see Kyonko forgive this
> character.

I posted the other side / sequel to this story a while back.

It's included in this collection:
http://www.feedbooks.com/userbook/22077/cold-palace-haruhi-suzumiya-in-exile

-HJC