[FFML] [SHnY] [Lime] The Disappearance of Kyonko

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Sep 1, 2011 at 1:52 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> Might as well put a scene divider between those.
>
> What do you mean by that? When I skip time (a whole day in this case),
> I give the new "timestamp".

So, stylistically, you don't use scenes.

I .. guess that's true, now that I think back.  Nevermind me, then!

>>> "Please, Mr. Nagato." Asahina ran over to us. "Don't make such jokes."
>>
>> No exclamation points?
>
> My vision of Mr. Asahina has him as a timid mousy little boy. YMMV.

Even Mikuru can exclaim when she's scared/worried.

Also, you have an image of Mr. Asahina?  Want to share it with us in
the narrative at some point?

All you tell us is he's well dressed; he could be taller than Nagato,
or shorter than Kyonko.  This was part of what I mentioned earlier
with Mitsuru not getting an additional mention with Nagato and
Koizumi.

>>> "Nagato, this is the wrong time for you to be quoting science fiction to
>>> me. Don't mess with me. Wait, you're serious. How can you be serious about
>>> this? How crazy are you, man?"
>>
>> This should probably be an entire scene, not just one paragraph.
>
> The expansion would be in thinking, reacting, or what exactly?

Both thinking and reacting; much of this goes too quickly as it is.
This is the point where Haruki's taking a turn and starting to figure
things out ... seems like it'd be a good area to focus.

>> This feels remarkably abrupt.
>
> The tradition would be to go to the training montage at this point,
> but I've been immunized against the cliche plague.

Since you're not using scene-breaks to edge around that one, not sure
what to advise.

>> On a personal note, I'd rather hope that Kyonko never has to deal with
>> this Haruki again.  There's also the huge issue with Haruki rejecting
>> the child he evidently fathered with Kyonko, even if he's chasing
>> after her anway.  Absolutely wouldn't want to see Kyonko forgive this
>> character.
>
> I posted the other side / sequel to this story a while back.

Yeah, Jon remarked to me that the sequel was posted....  I had just
finished pulling up in my archives and re-reading it.  I had forgotten
Kyonko mentioning she was pregnant in that story, distracted by
Haruhi's ability to call two numbers simultaneously from a single
cell-phone (but, consistent with your characterizations, so).

（╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Anyway.  Hope this was helpful to you.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
terrible webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/