[FFML] [SHnY] [Lime] The Disappearance of Kyonko

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Sep 1, 2011 at 10:38 AM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> [SHnY] [Lime]  The Disappearance of Kyonko
> By Henry J. Cobb
>
> [The Haruhi Suzumiya characters and situations are the creation of
> Nagaru Tanigawa. Other than that, he's blameless for the following.]
>
> I had that strange dream again. It was the one where I was some sort of
> giant monster, crushing city buildings. That's not what bothered me when I
> woke up on Saturday morning.

These sentences seem somewhat unrelated.  I see how they're connected,
but I advocate separate paragraphs for them for narrative flow.

> I looked down at my hand. I had slapped her last night and told her I
> didn't want to see her again. It hadn't been that hard of a slap, but it
> was all her fault. She shouldn't make jokes like that. I've got another
> year of high school ahead of me, not to mention college. I'm too young to
> be a father.

While you almost always write an unlikable Haruhi, you've outdone
yourself on a whole order of magnitude with this Haruki (mostly
because of what comes later).

> I washed up, dressed, and rode my bicycle down to the station. The other
> three were already there. Nagato looked like a dork, standing there in his
> school uniform with his head in a book. At least Asahina and Koizumi were
> dressed sensibly.
>
> Koizumi seemed especially tired. Must be that time of the month for her,
> or something.

Koizumi and Nagato are both hilighted here, but not Mitsuru?  Just for
symmetry, you can tack on some other thought to Asahina's appearance
to round this out.

> "You three go sit in the cafe. I'll wait here for Miss always late."

"Miss always-late" (I think?)  I'm not clear on this one, because
you're using a descriptor as a name.

> There was no sign of her at five minutes to nine, so I sat down on the
> edge of the planter. She wasn't there at nine either.

Another good chance to break that second sentence out for emphasis.

> At ten minutes after nine I reached for my phone and called her. The phone
> rang six times then went to voicemail. I was pissed enough to leave her a
> message. "Hi. This is your brigade leader. We're all waiting for you at
> the cafe. Get your lazy ass down here so you can pay the bill."

Yes, because nothing fixes up things between you and the girlfriend
you last spoke to with domestic abuse like insulting her again.  What
a guy.

> I sat down next to Nagato and across from Asahina and Koizumi. "Looks like
> she's not going to show."

Throughout this entire story (though I just noticed it now): Missing
speech indicators.

> "You sent her away."
>
> Asahina and Koizumi looked over at Nagato aghast. Even Koizumi seemed
> shocked into wakefulness at Nagato's comment.

This one works stylistically, if that's what you were going for.

> I turned to look at Nagato, but he was still reading his book with his
> standard expressionless face. If he knew the world was going to end in an
> hour, he'd read a book.

Well, that wording (to me) suggests that there are situations he
wouldn't read books.  I'd suggest adding a 'still' to the last line.

> Our server walked up. It was Kimidori, a senior from our school. "Can I
> help you?" He was looking at Nagato with barely concealed anger.

This whole paragraph lacks impact.  I'd tie those first two short
sentences into a single one with a semicolon:
Our server walked up; Kimidori, a senior from our school.

For the last, 'looking at Nagato with barely concealed anger'....
Let's go with glaring.  But -- this is Haruki and Kimidori.

How expressive are TFEIs supposed to be, even genderswapped?  How much
of a mind is Haruki to pay attention right now?  What details
communicate to him that Kimidori is upset with Nagato, and why does he
just let it go?  (Not that I can't imagine answers to these questions
-- but it may help if the narrative addressed them).

> "I don't want to give her the satisfaction of messing with brigade
> business, but Koizumi you look totally beat. Is that part-time job really
> worth it? Just go home, all of you. I'll see you in the clubroom on
> Monday."

I ... don't understand how this is Kyonko's fault, even remotely from
Haruki's PoV?  It sounds like Haruki is blaming Kyonko for Koizumi
being exhausted.  Technically, true, but Haruki shouldn't know that.

> "Thanks, Suzumiya." Koizumi picked up the bill and stood.

Missing speech indicator.

> "No, no, I insist. If my part-time job causes a disruption, then it should
> at least pay for this." She made her way to the cashier.
>
> Monday morning when I got to the classroom the chair in front of me was
> empty. Well that wasn't that big a deal, she was always running late. She
> wasn't there when the bell rang. She wasn't there when the teacher arrived
> and she wasn't there when roll was called.

Might as well put a scene divider between those.

> "Please, Mr. Nagato." Asahina ran over to us. "Don't make such jokes."

No exclamation points?

> I walked out of the clubroom.

I think part of why this Haruki is so unlikeable is that he never has
any sympathetic thoughts.  You don't even really try to show him
reacting to anything beyond a completely emotionally unattached way,
"I am responsible for this.  Meh."

> The next week the police took me in for questioning. A clerk had reported
> her purchase of a pregnancy test on the day she had vanished. I admitted
> to the police that I had fucked her. They let me go, because they had no
> evidence linking me to her disappearance, but I was clearly their only
> suspect.

*twitch*

I utterly loathe this character.  Kyonko wasn't banished; she escaped.

> "Nagato, this is the wrong time for you to be quoting science fiction to
> me. Don't mess with me. Wait, you're serious. How can you be serious about
> this? How crazy are you, man?"

This should probably be an entire scene, not just one paragraph.

> She grabbed my arm. "Don't die! Even if this world might continue without
> you, I don't want you to die."

Only one exclamation point?

> In spite of the absurdity of it all, I followed her lead and the
> Earthquake stopped. "Did I do that?"

Earthquake isn't a proper noun.

> "You've known about this, you've all always known about this all along?"
>
> Koizumi grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. "Do you want to go
> find her, whatever the odds?"
>
> "Yes."
>
> "The only way is to learn how to control this power of yours. Only you can
> follow the path you have sent her on."
>
> Asahina seemed to be listening to something, and then he looked over at
> me. "They say I can take you back to the moment she left. You must not try
> to stop yourself back then, but it will show you the way to go when we get
> back to the present."
>
> "Thanks."

This feels remarkably abrupt.

It seemed okay, generally?  A bit stilted and short, could use some
more detail and insight in some places.

On a personal note, I'd rather hope that Kyonko never has to deal with
this Haruki again.  There's also the huge issue with Haruki rejecting
the child he evidently fathered with Kyonko, even if he's chasing
after her anway.  Absolutely wouldn't want to see Kyonko forgive this
character.

Incidentally, if there's a redemption route, as far as this guy has to
go, it may be the only Koizumi/Haruhi fic I'd be interested in.

If your goal was to make this Haruki somehow sympathetic, then adding
almost any emotion at all to his thought process could help with that;
as it is, this is our narrator, and he doesn't tell us anywhere that
he's likable or does likable things.  He shows anger, bitterness, he's
demanding, dismissive, arrogant....  Does he _have_ any strengths?
Even the search for Kyonko is never played in a way that makes Haruki
look anything other than annoyed that his toy is missing, and nowhere
in any of this did he even come _close_ to acknowledging his personal
responsibility.

But we all know that's just me.

I hope my technical corrections were at least of use to you.

> -HJC
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-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
terrible webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/