[FFML] [SHnY][AU] At a Glance (2/2)

[Michael Clark]

Brian,

An enjoyable piece.  I like all the adaptations Kyon had made to living
blind.  I also think Kyon as a jokester is an entertaining character,
even if he feels somewhat different from the Kyon we know.  Perhaps it
can be considered his way of coping, but I still find his approach to
situations markedly divergent from the original.

I'm usually a little wary of pieces that revisit all the introductory
material, but I was glad to see that, for example, Nagato's exposition
is only summarized instead of repeated, and the subtle changes that
result from Kyon's condition--like how Nagato provides him with a
braille book (also learned a little something about Japanese braille
from wiki as a result, which was nice).

There were a couple things I did notice that I want to bring some
attention to.  Something I found in "Later" before this and here is the
fluctuation of tenses.  A passage can illustrate:

>      At some point later, between classes, I turned halfway in my
> seat, not really facing her, but obviously not facing the front of
> the class.  "So," I began, maintaining my usual expression, a small
> half-smile, "did you really mean that?"
>
>     "Mean what?" she returned, crossly.  "And what's with that, not
> even meeting the eyes of the person you address?"
>
>     "No disrespect," I murmur.  "Anyway, about time travelers and
> aliens?"
>
>     "Hmm," she muses very slowly.  Haruhi has a tremendous presence;
> I can feel her intensity on me.  "Have I met you before somewhere?
> Maybe a long time ago?"

What I notice here is that you start squarely in the past tense ("So,"
I began...), but you go to present shortly, and thereafter, there's
a mix of past and present tenses (present dominating).  I'm not
opposed to present tense--I think it makes for a good, conversational
approach--but the combination of the two tenses is noticeable and a
little distracting, at least to me.

Something else is that, if I recall, I don't think Kyon calls Haruhi
anything other than "Suzumiya" until after the kiss in the "Melancholy"
book (or after the events of "Melancholy VI" in the anime).  Again, a
subtle thing, but I thought the transition from family name to given
name could've been done in the aftermath of the revelation of Kyon's
blindness to Haruhi, signifying a new understanding and closeness.

Beyond that, though, I think Haruhi's apparent jealousy is on the mark,
and overall the piece is solid.  Whether a more extensive retelling of
"Haruhi" is in order for this world, I leave to you.

Cheers,
Michael Clark