[FFML] [SHnY][AU] At a Glance (2/2)

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, May 19, 2011 at 11:58 AM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> Brian,
>
> An enjoyable piece.  I like all the adaptations Kyon had made to living
> blind.  I also think Kyon as a jokester is an entertaining character,
> even if he feels somewhat different from the Kyon we know.  Perhaps it
> can be considered his way of coping, but I still find his approach to
> situations markedly divergent from the original.

I'm glad that worked, though I had hoped to keep him reasonably near
the original....  I may have tried to use a bit too much snark.

I'll accept that tradeoff in the interest of avoiding restating the
novel too directly, though.

> I'm usually a little wary of pieces that revisit all the introductory
> material, but I was glad to see that, for example, Nagato's exposition
> is only summarized instead of repeated, and the subtle changes that
> result from Kyon's condition--like how Nagato provides him with a
> braille book (also learned a little something about Japanese braille
> from wiki as a result, which was nice).

I share that wariness; I was uncertain enough about using the same
tired opening formula with references to santa, etc....

> There were a couple things I did notice that I want to bring some
> attention to.  Something I found in "Later" before this and here is the
> fluctuation of tenses.  A passage can illustrate:
>
> [...]
>
> What I notice here is that you start squarely in the past tense ("So,"
> I began...), but you go to present shortly, and thereafter, there's
> a mix of past and present tenses (present dominating).  I'm not
> opposed to present tense--I think it makes for a good, conversational
> approach--but the combination of the two tenses is noticeable and a
> little distracting, at least to me.

That's totally unintentional.  Well, for the mostpart....  I was
contemplating this thing where I'd start the scene in past tense to
outline the situation and then move into present tense, and wasn't
consistent about it.  Messy, ugly stuff.  I'll clean that up since
it's actually worse than I realized.

Later needs significantly more work on that front. >_<

> Something else is that, if I recall, I don't think Kyon calls Haruhi
> anything other than "Suzumiya" until after the kiss in the "Melancholy"
> book (or after the events of "Melancholy VI" in the anime).

You are correct; I had totally forgotten that just because Kyon always
refers to her as Haruhi in the narrative.

>  Again, a
> subtle thing, but I thought the transition from family name to given
> name could've been done in the aftermath of the revelation of Kyon's
> blindness to Haruhi, signifying a new understanding and closeness.

Hmm.  That's a good call; I'll do that.

> Beyond that, though, I think Haruhi's apparent jealousy is on the mark,
> and overall the piece is solid.  Whether a more extensive retelling of
> "Haruhi" is in order for this world, I leave to you.

Excellent; I was worried about overdoing it on that front.

Thank you very much for the feedback!

> Cheers,
> Michael Clark

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
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Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.