[FFML] [Ranma/Various] Avenging Act 4 chapter 3

[Chester Castañeda]

Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
Benjamin A. Oliver:

C&C EULA: The below C&C is provided to you AS IS and WITHOUT ANY
WARRANTY. You agree to indemnify and acknowledge that the C&Cer will
be held blameless for any damage resulting to including but not
limited to 1) your mind, 2) the quality of your work, 3) your desire
to continue writing the C&Ced work. You acknowledge that these
comments do not belong to you, but rather that the comments are
licensed to you for a limited one-chapter period. If at any time you
disagree with these comments, this license is revoked and you must
permanently delete all chapters, spamfics, and storylines from which
edits based upon this C&C were made.

C&C EULA Summarized: I can be a bit of a dick when reviewing stuff.
Use what you can use, ignore the rest.

[I agree to this License] (Continue Reading)
[I do not agree to this License] (Delete email)

On Thu, Apr 28, 2011 at 1:58 AM, DB Sommer <sommert at consolidated.net> wrote:
> Avenging
> Act IV
> The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker
> Chapter 3

I'll be honest. I was surprised at how short this one was; six pages
on the word processor. Then I've come to realize that the previous
piece I've C&Ced was not a teaser of some sort, but an actual chapter.
:o Oh well, quality first before quantity...

> Ranma entered the Tendou family room, spying Nabiki. She sat next to the
> table, casually watching television. After looking around for a while, he
> finally consented to ask, "Where is everyone?"

Suggest: consented --> decided

The word "consented", even in that context, implies a different
meaning in my mind.

> Nabiki's eyes remained glued to the set as she answered, "Kasumi's at her
> new job, your dad and mine got hauled off by the little letch, and Akane is
> there." She pointed at the television where a large auditorium jam packed

Suggest: jam-packed (requires the hyphen; dictionary-verifiable word)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/jam-packed

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> "Oh." That could be... bad. Left alone with him, Nabiki might not be able to
> keep her hands off him.

LOL. Mister Paragon of Virtue still has some of Ranma "Paragon of
Arrogance" Saotome's characteristics. On the other hand, the "Nabiki
jumping Ranma's bones" cliche is taken matter-of-factly by quite a lot
of fanfic authors out there... :)

> Nabiki shrugged non-chalantly and continued watching. She was probably

Revise: non-chalantly --> nonchalantly (you don't need the hyphen there)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/nonchalantly

> pining for him. At least he thought she might be. In any case, it was time
> to put on the old union suit underneath his clothing and go.

(blinks) Old union suit? So is he talking about some sort of Japanese Union...?

> Akane found herself being jostled in a sea of humanity, and the concert
> hadn't even started. She was amazed Yuka and Sayuri had gotten tickets to
> the Mouri concert, and been kind enough to give them to her for free,

Suggest: and been --> and had been

> despite the fact she had volunteered to pay for them. They really were the
> best of friends. Of course at the moment they were helping play pinball,

Suggest: Of course at --> Of course, at

Use of comma:

5. After certain introductory elements,
 (e) After an introductory adverbial element.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> Reo Mouri admired himself in the mirror one more time. Perfect. Not that his
> looks mattered all that much. Well, they did for people that just stared at
> his posters and images, and he was bishonen gorgeous. But as to the people

Suggest: as to --> as for

> There was a firm knock on the door. He told whoever it was to come in. Much
> to his astonishment it was two people he was quite familiar with: Narumi

Suggest: astonishment it --> astonishment, it (it needed the comma, methinks)

> Anjou and Alison Blaire. "Well, well, if it isn't two of my comrades from
> the Alice Academy. So nice to see you. I would have given you backstage

I vaguely remember Alice Academy. I watched it at the local Animax
from time to time back in '06. Funny, I don't remember an Alison
Blaire... (Googles). Oooh. That's why. Dazzler from Eart-616. Riiight.

As a side note, the first result that comes up with "Alice Academy
Alison Blaire" is this chapter, DB. :) Nice touch having Alice
Academy's and Marvel's respective concert, uh, personalities together.
:D

> passes if I had known you were coming. Well, I guess with a mutant pheromone
> wouldn't need one." He stared knowingly at Narumi.

Revise: Well, I guess with --> Well, I guess someone with

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> "Yes, it does," Alison said, a bit miffed at the sarcasm. "You'd be
> surprised at the number of connections we've established among the elite and
> powers that be with careful selection of Alice abilities working in concert
> with their goals. And the term Alice is being used with increasing
> frequency. True integration has begun."

I sure hope they won't get into a debate on whether the term "Alice"
and Mutant Powers" is more racist than the other. :P It'd only remind
me of the people who purport the term "JRPG" is racist, so people
should stick with "Console RPGs" and "PC RPGs".

Ranma: If they only stuck with the term "superpowers", then they won't
have to debate about unfortunate implications and whatnot.

> Reo's response was to become playful. "You spoil all my fun."

On an unrelated note, there sure are a lot of hypnotists and mind
manipulators in Act 3.

> Narumi wasn't having any of it. "You need to stop using your Alice during
> the concerts. Once people find out you're employing it they'll accuse you of

Suggest: it they'll --> it, they'll

> manipulating their minds. And honestly, it's beneath you. You have a great
> singing voice--"

Scientifically speaking, maybe what Reo's doing is... legal? I mean,
sure, he uses a voice pheromone power, but isn't the charisma of some
artists attributable to some sort of x-factor they could manipulate as
well? I mean, I understand Narumi's concerns, but you'd think Reo
would bring that issue up to rationalize his abuse of his power, at
the very least.

> "--That will sell millions while my Alice will net me tens of millions," Reo
> completed. "It's part of my natural abilities, I'll be damned if I don't use
> them as so many of our fellow mutants do," he emphasized the words.

Ah, there you go. Something like that.

> "They'll never discover it. It doesn't leave traces of any kind, even
> psionic ones," Reo assured them. "Now if you don't mind, I have a concert to
> perform. Shoo, shoo." He waved them off. Reluctantly they did so, leaving
> them room.

Revise: Reluctantly they --> Reluctantly, they

Also: leaving them room --> leaving the room (typo)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

> Reo couldn't say he was surprised by his former comrades attitude. Xavier

Revise: comrades attitude --> comrades' attitude

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

> The figure jerked for a moment, as though stung by something. Then his
> crimson eyes narrowed. "I see. You influence emotions through vocal control.
> Unfortunately for you, the only emotion I feel is hate. Allow me to
> demonstrate."
>
> The air was suddenly filled with an overpowering emotion.

Ahhh...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hate-Monger

Thank you, Wikipedia. Nice touch with Jack Kirby designing the
Hate-Monger with a purple conical mask; very appropriate, although the
"H" emblem was pushing it.

Apocalypse: I AM APOCALYPSE! See? It's monogrammed on my belt!

Ah, never mind. Point taken. Besides, the modern depiction of him is
even more over the top when it comes to depicting, ah, super villains.
White costume and Nazi chest insignia, anyone?

> Now Akane teeth ground together, her heart raced, her fists clenched. She

Revise: Akane teeth --> Akane's teeth

You're having some problems with possessives/typos this time around,
DB. On the other hand, nice show, not tell in regards to Akane's
growing anger, especially since your prose usually doesn't employ it
that often.

> Again Reo repeated the words, more loudly this time, and with each
> intonation, her fury grew. Dimly Akane was aware of Yuka, Sayuri, and the

Revise: Dimly Akane --> Dimly, Akane (missing comma)

> Uniform on under his regular street clothes. 'Lucky Hubcab' tucked under his

Uh, shouldn't that be "Lucky Hubcap" instead?

Revise: Hubcab --> Hubcap

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/hubcap

> arm, Ranma dated past the living room. "I'm out of here, Nabiki."

Revise: Ranma dated --> Ranma darted

It looks like the narrative prose is having a Freudian slip in regards
to the presence of the words "Ranma" and "Nabiki" in those two
sentences. :P

> Ranma was so shocked at the unprovoked attack he was taken off guard. Nabiki

Suggest: attack he --> attack, he

Also: off guard --> off-guard

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/off-guard

> Ranma shifted his weight in mid-air, his shirt tearing as he pulled free

Revise: mid-air --> midair (free-dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/midair

> from her grasp. Again she attacked him, forcing him on the defensive, as she

Revise: Again she --> Again, she

> continued her mantra of three words, repeating them in the same order again
> and again as she attacked.

Suggest: attacked. --> assaulted Ranma.

Just because the two instances of attack sounds redundant to my ears. IMO.

> Finally he tagged her with a powerful left to the jaw. She rolled with it

Revise: Finally he --> Finally, he

> But his defensive posture finally paid off as he started to recover, though

Suggest: finally --> eventually

Because you just used finally in the previous set of sentences.

> her attacks, despite being blocked, still took their toll on the youth.
> Finally he counterattacked with a series of hard fists. Much to his

Suggest: Not using "Finally" so often. Or removing "finally" from that
sentence, since the reader can glean from the blow-by-blow action that
Ranma "finally" counterattacked without being told so by the narrative
prose. IMO.

> surprise, she didn't do anything to defend herself, but continued with a
> savage frenzy which made him back off once again.

Suggest: frenzy --> fury

> Finally, he came up with a strategy. He started backpedaling, allowing

Suggest: Removing "finally" on that sentence also, since it's a
redundant redundancy.

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

> Nabiki's fist smashed full tilt into the boulder. Since she was so blinded
> by rage she held nothing back, and even in her maddened state, felt intense
> agony from the blow and held her hand in pain.

Revise: rage she --> rage, she

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> Ranma unleashed a full out strike to the back of her neck. While it didn't

Revise: full out --> full-out (missing hyphen)

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/full-out

> knock her out, it stunned her. He then knocked her feet out from under her
> so she landed on her stomach. Landing on top of her, he pinned her arms

Funny how a leg sweep rarely ever puts a fighter down on MMA... Ah,
Reality is Unrealistic and Rule of Cool; you really make TV and Movies
real cool to watch.

> from under her. Still she struggled like a hellion, shouting her urge to
> murder, death, and kill him.

Revise: Still she --> Still, she

Also: Her urge to "death" him? O_o

> Akane raised her stick high overhead, trying to cave in the skull of Sayuri.
> However another audience member, in an equally homicidal frenzy, slammed

Revise: However another --> However, another (missing comma again)

> A bolt of lightning pierced the heavens, crashing into Akane and triggering
> her transformation into the Goddess of Thunder.

Here's hoping the sardine-packed people around her weren't
electrocuted to stun-gun proportions at best and defibrillator levels
at worse. :)

> "What wonderment is this?" Thor said, freed of the psychotic fury that had
> been inhabiting her mortal form.

I'm sorry, I can't help but remember this skit with the mention of a
feminine Thor. :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujPGX9QIQ_w

> saw the entire crowd had turned into a pack of rabid animals in human form.
> All around her was chaos as the masses sought to kill one another. Already
> some were falling to others' attacks.

Revise: Already some --> Already, some

> "I say thee nay!" She tapped her hammer twice into the ground. Instantly,
> the heavens poured forth a torrential downpour that was testament that even
> the gods wept.

Again, nice touch with the prose adjusting in accordance to the
musings of the character it's narrating about.

> People were hammered to the ground by the deluge of so much
> water instantly upon them. Thunder drowned out the urgings of Reo on stage.

Suggest: deluge of so much --> humongous deluge of

> The strobe light flash stimulated the visual centers of the brain, causing
> all who witnessed it to enter a trance-like state which calmed them, making
> them stare like zombies at the stage.

Suggest: calmed them --> calmed them down

Disco Party Time! Watch out for seizures.

> Also Narumi had a horrible feeling that Alices were about to have a whole

Revise: Also Narumi --> Also, Narumi

> Out at the edge of the stadium, the Hate Monger looked on. Blast, those
> meddling heroes. Had Reo's concert gone on unimpeded, the death toll would
> have been staggering.

Even if they weren't in a murderous frenzy, the stampede would have
killed quite a lot of people.

> He turned away. Oh well. In any case, this had been but one move in the
> campaign, not an end gambit. Oh no, he had much better, more effective ideas
> in mind toward that end. Many more indeed.

As a side note: LOL, Charles Manson's own personal superhero.

Is this Hate-Monger Adolf Hitler like in the original story? On the
other hand, the amalgamation of Nazi and KKK images into a single
supervillain is comical to me; reminds me of the Simpson's McBain and
his crusade against "Commie Nazis".

Obligatory TV Tropes Reference:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CommieNazis

> Hmm. It sounded suspiciously like mind control. Actually he had suspected it

Revise: Actually he --> Actually, he

> for a while. Mind controlling villains were a lot more common than people

Revise: Mind controlling --> Mind-controlling

> Ah, the dulcet sounds of rational hate instead of irrational. It sounded
> like Nabiki was back to normal. Still Ranma was on guard as he let her on

Revise: Still Ranma --> Still, Ranma

> Nabiki was in a normal rage as she said, "Where do you get off pinning me
> to..." she trailed off, staring as his chest.
>
> It was then he looked down and saw the familiar red sun on his chest through
> the tear in his shirt. He looked at her, panicked, "I can explain--"
>
> "You're Captain Japan!"

Dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUN!

Well played, DB. I didn't expect _that_.

> Well, that wasn't the explanation he was about to go for, but it did make
> sense, since it was the truth.
>
> He was in for it now.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxx
>
> [End chapter]
>
> There you go. Something happened with the regulars, and you got to meet one
> of the main villains of the Act. Enjoy.

It's Broken Grammar Rules Time!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-modifiers) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).
As for the story itself: While I was disappointed at first at how
short this is, I will admit that a lot had happened in so short a
time. Hate-Monger arrives, a few more cameos from other characters
that give this crossover a sense of hugeness, and it's a logical setup
for the next few stories. I can't complain, really. Like you said,
something happened to the regulars, something happened in the
background, and you were able to write about it in six pages or less.
:)

Anyway, your gigantic, multi-series crossover has gotten to the same
point as many other multi-series crossovers of the past had done
(surprise, surprise); Fanfic Chop Suey
(http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FanficChopSuey). Yeah, I'm
aware that you "fuse" or otherwise replace heroes with their anime
counterparts fairly well, organically meshing them together, but I'd
be lying if I said that I haven't found you somewhat following this
pattern:

1. I like Fandom A.

2. I also like Fandom B, Song C, Subculture D, Sexual Practice E,
Religion F, Political Stance G, and/or Literary/Artistic Style H.

3. Therefore, Fandom A will go together well with any one or more of Items B-H.

On the other hand, I find chop suey delicious. :P Also, it's not
necessarily a bad thing, except for those of us who haven't watched
some of the series featured and don't want to bother Googling each and
every last reference. Yes, keeping up with references can be a pain in
the butt, especially relatively obscure references dating back to the
time of Jack Kirby, but I guess for some, that's half the fun of
reading Avenging. ^_^

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."