[FFML] [SHnY/XLS][Fanfic]Evil Secret Organizations

[Bert Miller]

And here it's been over a week since you sent in C&C, and I'm just 
getting around to thanking you now.  I'm remiss; just looking at all 
your comments has kept me too busy.

Anyway...

On 4/21/2011 4:01 PM, Brian Randall wrote:
> Hello, what's this?  Haruhi fanfic?

Why, yes, actually.

>> the meantime, I'm crouching in those same sewers, wearing an
>> expensive rented tuxedo which isn't getting any cleaner.  Are you
>> happy?"
> Why's Kyon in a tux, rented or otherwise?  Haruhi's expectation that
> all spies wear tuxes?

More or less.  At least, James Kyon should always wear a tux in this 
particular adventure.

>> The characters of 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' were
>> created by Nagaru Tanigawa and are copyrighted by ADV in the
>> United States.
>> The characters of 'Excel Saga' were created by Rikudoh Koshi and
>> are copyrighted by ADV Films in the United States.
>> No disrespect intended by my unlicensed usage.
>>
>> Yes, my first two sentences are borrowed/modified, from bjorn's
>> XLS/Ranma crossover.  I liked them.
> Ah.  Also, interesting that they're both ADV; hadn't caught that before.  Hm.

Actually (ahem, red-faced), I find I was wrong about that.  The Haruhi 
anime are copyright Bandai in the U.S.  Most probably I copy-and-pasted 
the statement from somewhere, intending to fact-check it later, and then 
forgot that I needed to.

>> Clicking a remote control, a large overhead monitor displayed a
>> rock concert with a light show.
> The large overhead monitor clicked a remote control?  I think we may
> be missing a subject (it's implied, but this scans a bit awkwardly).

Right; fixed.

>
>> "I have a busy day planned, so let's get to it!  Today We're all
>> going to search the city for secret evil organizations!  Once we
>> find one, we'll spoil their plans for world conquest!  Kyon and I
>> will search the east side; you three take the west side.  We'll
>> meet back here at noon.  Kyon, first we have to rent you a tuxedo;
>> the clothes you're wearing simply won't do; there's no place to
>> conceal your gun."  Haruhi waved one of the model Desert Eagles
>> from our movie shoot.
> Well, that explains that ... somewhat.  And Haruhi just _chose_ Kyon
> instead of trying to get assigned to him randomly?  No thinly veiled
> excuse, like he can't be trusted alone, and since they have two guns
> they need one male per team, etc.?

Hmm... you're right, that can be improved somewhat.  The 
male-tuxedoed-person per team, in particular, I'll work in.


>> "Koizumi, you take Mikuru and Yuki to the stadium and keep watch.
>> Kyon and I will go stake out the hotel."
>>
>> Of course.  Trust Haruhi to split us up that way.
> The lack of justification from Haruhi, or reaction from anyone at all
> to this happening twice doesn't feel right, as she's never arbitrarily
> assigned teams like that before.  Even if it's not a big deal, I'd
> expect more from Kyon than, 'of course'.

Right; I'll work on this.

>
>> "Kyon, shoot!" Haruhi shouted as we ran.  I dutifully pulled the
>> model gun out of my tuxedo sleeve and aimed it, then blinked
>> twice.  What happened to the Desert Eagle?  This was a smaller
>> gun; in fact it looked almost like a... it WAS... a Walther PPK
>> (according to the label on one side).  It felt no heavier than the
>> Desert Eagle had, but I took no chances, knowing Haruhi.  I
>> carefully aimed away from the girls, into the floor, then flinched
>> as I pulled the trigger.  Thankfully, nothing happened.
> Well, leaving the safety 'on' is absolutely not taking a chance....

I'll add something to cover that; it strikes me that Kyon would know 
there is a safety, but wouldn't be sure what to look for.

>
>> The dog glanced up, as if enjoying the sight of birds in flight,
>> and failed to notice an open manhole cover.  The last I saw of
>> the dog was a glimpse of it plunging into down into the sewers.
>> Haruhi missed that, as her attention had already returned to what
>> we might find at the stadium.
> Repetition on 'dog'; just for variety I'd suggest changing perhaps the
> last instance to 'that poor creature'?

Right; good suggestion.

>> At that moment, another person appeared over to our left, up on
>> the stage.  I could see at a glance that this was a disreputable,
>> unkempt sort of wastrel, utterly without a single redeeming
>> feature.
>>
>> Haruhi turned and her eyes widened.  "It's Kenny!" she yelled.
> HAhahaa!  Nothing can top how funny this is.
>
>> I gritted my teeth and struggled not to point my gun at the
>> scoundrel.  Lip-syncing pretty-boy bastard!
> ...except a jealous Kyon!  Okay, that actually made me laugh out loud.  ^_^

Always nice to know you made someone laugh!

>> "Oh my God, they Killed Kenny!  You bastards!" Haruhi shouted,
>> then took off after the two of them even faster than before.
> Even though I saw it coming, this was great. ^_^

Heh.

>> We fell straight down a shaft.  I grabbed for Haruhi's hand and
>> wrapped her arms around me, then, seeing an twenty centimeter pipe
>> to one side, below us, twisted my upper body around and hit it
>> with my arms.  I grasped wildly for any handhold even as I started
>> to slide off, then my left hand found something and we shuddered
>> to a stop.
> I thought they were tied up?

Good point.  I'll have to work on that.

>> I resolved to forget that exchange completely.  "Let's go, Haruhi,
>> we'll just follow them," I said, advancing into the side tunnel,
>> still holding Haruhi's hand.  She didn't seem inclined to let go.
> With his right (uninjured) hand?  His left was on the tunnel wall, as I recall.

That was my intention; I'll make it explicit.

>> I retraced my steps and again pulled the rope to close the trap
>> door, and went back to the tunnel entrance and closed the steam
>> cock.
> Second instance of 'and' can be 'then', I think.
>
> Steam cock -- From what I can tell, this usage is pretty specific to
> the drainage valve on railroad steam-engines.  Not wanting to think
> about it too hard, I'd suggest the potentially more familiar term
> 'valve'.
> Yuki: This is a triumph.
> Yeah, yeah....
> Yuki: Huge success.
> Enough of that.

Good point again; I'm too inconsistent here.  "Valve" it is.

> Okay!  Haruhi was a bit strange for the novels, but probably about
> perfect for the anime.  Kyon was about perfect, and I don't actually
> know XLS that well, so that felt right, too.
>
> Generally ... good, funny stuff, and I liked it.  Can't think of any
> real suggestions that I haven't already gone through.
>
> I hope this is helpful, but then, I also hope we can see more of Much
> Ado about Ranma (heh), so what can you do? :p
>
> Thanks for sharing.

I'm amazed anyone even remembers Much Ado about Ranma.  Your commentary 
will certainly be helpful, though.  Thanks for taking the time to 
provide C&C!