[FFML] [SHnY] Later -- Chapter One

[Henry Cobb]

On Sat, Jun 25, 2011 at 12:59 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>     It's a remarkable difference to see her standing on the deck,
> above the sand garden's lower walkway, contrasted against my last view
> of her.

I do not understand that first comma.

My mind wants to parse "the deck above the sand garden's lower
walkway" as a essential clause to define which of possibly many decks
is being used at the moment and as such it cannot have a comma in it.
If the additional words after "the deck" were describing some
nonessential feature about it that did not serve to select one deck in
particular then it could well be comma-ed off.

A bigger problem is that "see" and "contrasted" have a time and person
difference that knocks them out of being in the same list.  You could
use a matching set like "saw" and "remembered" which would be actions
by the same person in the same time phrasing, or you could break up
the sentence.

>     I was making a fool of myself, though, just standing there on the
> sand garden walkway, looking up at her.

This "was" is jarring because it does not contrast with the dip in the
past you just took. If you'd reorder the standing on the deck part
here then you set a scene in the past and then apply the contrast by
setting the scene in the present. Like say, show how she stands on the
deck now. Reveal her body language, expression, or gestures. In that
case it would be: "Oh her",  "what she was back then" and then finally
"See her standing on that deck ..." or something.

>     Haruhi gives Tsuruya a curious glance, studying her as though
> searching for some ulterior motive before she nods.  "Um, thanks,
> Tsu-chan.  Yeah ... that'd be ... good."

At this point Kyon is reading Haruhi like a book and then summarizing
her for the audience. So, what are the things she does that draw him
to these conclusions?

>     Heaving a sigh, she turns her heavy gaze to me.

By this point its getting a bit heavy handed. If you want to suggest
that he's watching her like a hawk, then perhaps slip over to his
overreactions. He looks for her to do things that she does not in fact
do, etc.

> honestly, not meeting her eyes, staring at the bamboo boar-scarer,
> currently idle with the pump disabled.
>
>     Her gaze goes to it, too, and she takes the stepping stones to
> the device, examining it more closely, but not actually touching it.

Honestly if he's not watching her eyes, how does he follow her gaze?
Perhaps he looks away for a moment, to draw her gaze away from him and
then pops his peepers back to her when her guard is down?

> "I ... guessed I might," I admit, turning to the garden.

Consider splitting without an ellipsis, which is really easy to here like this:

"I," I turned to the garden, "Guessed it might."

Also you keep bouncing between past and present tense. Convention says
that speech and thought are in the present tense and consideration
being made later while writing down what happened are in the past
tense.

>     "You _asshole_!" she snaps, struggling to keep her voice quiet.

The underscores, explanation point, and non-descriptive verb "snaps"
triplicate each other other and so vastly reduce the impact of your
point.

> ... and I know you probably haven't talked to Nagato in a while, so,
> that might be nice, too...."

Yuki knows who her real sugar daddy is... The author! Without a steady
stream of new data she's gonna go belly up.

>     "Did she say what brought her by, by any chance?" I ask.  It's
> not exactly something we speak of ... but I had been under the
> impression that Haruhi was upset with Tsuruya.  They'd been friends in
> high school, but Asahina-san's disappearance changed that.  Haruhi
> believed that Tsuruya _had_ to know where Asahina-san went, and just
> wouldn't tell her--

Mikuru went poof when her Daddy ran away from her Mommy of course! No? ;-)

> being clever.  "Uncle only lets a few people call him 'Kyon'.  Auntie
> and Mother, and Auntie says Uncle's parents, too.  So, Suzumiya-san
> must be a good friend; not even Nagato-san calls you that nickname."

So Yuki just says Dear. (I hope I'm the only one depraved enough to
have her call him Master and it's for a damn good plot specific reason
and not just because of own depravities.)

>     That's for different reasons, but ultimately, he's not far off
> the mark.  "Well, you're right that I knew her from a long time ago.
> Suzumiya-san and I went to school together with Nagato."

So the kid's mom did not attend North High? That moves the divergence
point back a bit...

>     And then, naturally, I tried not to think about what it meant
> that she never offered suggestions on my works.

You're her data source sugar daddy. She's your little hummingbird.

>  Turning to her, I ask, "Did you need anything?"

I don't like the first comma here.  I think that it may be because
turning includes the following action and then you set it off with a
comma. The comma shows a slight difference in time, while the wording
suggests simultaneity.

>     I hesitate a moment, but leave before she can react.  I'm sure
> she notices anyway.

Coward! (To Kyon, not Brian of course.)

> I guessed [that] Nagato ignored hers, too, if she got any.

I'm suggesting a word in here. Feel free to ignore.

>     Within all that, I'd just gotten used to the way things were.

With maybe, with within? What's the container?

>     When I return home, Nagato's closed up the shop, so I go up the
> stairs on the side of the building to the second floor -- the
> apartments.

Again you are mixing time tenses in the same list.

"I see that Nagato's closed up the shop" or such.

At the moment it reads like, "Honey, I'm home!" The shop door slammed
shut in my face. "Well I guess she found out about the three-way
tomorrow..."

>     The light in [our?] window is on, and the door is unlocked when I
> reach it.  Kintaro is sitting at the kotatsu with Nagato, petting
> Shamisen.  All three look up as I enter, Kintaro looking mildly
> annoyed, Nagato with her typical expression, save mild hints of
> concern.

Lack of expression?

And that is one long lived cat, or replacement unit for same.

>  I don't really know how encountering Haruhi might affect Nagato
> [at this point].  I hadn't really considered the possibility of
> animosity between them, but judging by Haruhi's reaction earlier, I'm
> not doing anyone favors by ignoring it.  I try and compose myself,
> hoping to set a mood, and maybe reassure Nagato.

I'd snip or move that part. It seems that "this point" means recent
years while "considered" seems to be in the past few hours. Putting
those two ill-defined time periods right next to each other causes
them both to fuzz out a bit.

>     Nagato freezes, one hand halfway to the tap, her brow furrowed in
> thought.  After a long minute of contemplation, she says, "Damn."

As long as it's not: "This encounter may negatively impact on future
possibilities".

>     Naturally, there were no parents to explain where she'd gone.
> Official investigations went nowhere, and Haruhi couldn't trace
> Asahina-san's steps through _time_, even if she insisted on following
> them otherwise.  That had caused Haruhi an irritation that was further
> compounded by my near-failure in the academic realm.

So far this has been the only part where special formatting has
worked. If it was the only place it was used then it would have a
special impact.

> hung out, spending what little free time I had with Taniguchi.  Other
> than that, cramming, day in, day out.

Another loser from your class.

>     I don't often have guests in the crappy one-room apartment I live
> in but do not consider home.  Aside from Haruhi, Koizumi was probably
> about the only one.  "It's quite simple," he tells me, sitting on the
> other side of the table.  "Suzumiya Haruhi expects that you will
> succeed.  Third time's a charm, hmm?"

Especially here the use of present tense really throws me off.

>     "We aren't entirely certain how this distress is going to present
> itself," he says, somewhat crossly.  "At this point, it has been some
> time since there has been a manifestation of her power in this world,
> outside of closed space.  We suspect -- and Nagato-san agrees -- that
> there could be ... dire consequences, depending on your test scores."

And they let it get that far, why exactly?

>     Koizumi had previously assured me that it wouldn't be much of a
> problem to switch my identification with my supposed double on the way
> into the test hall.  Surely once I got in, all would be forgiven?

Can Yuki change herself to double for somebody?

>     "Well," she starts, furrowing her brow.  "T...the place I'm
> thinking of allows....  Ah...."  On the verge of saying something, she

Is this a leap year?

>     And then, no matter how you look at it, even if she tries her
> hardest....  I become a charity case.  In the best case scenario, I'm
> an endearing loser -- not genuinely able to participate on the level.
> Letting that sensation fester for a few years....

So settle for Yuki who is light years (literally) beyond any human ability.

Much better than the prologue.

-HJC