[FFML] [SHnY] Later -- Chapter One

[Brian Randall]

On Mon, Jun 27, 2011 at 8:50 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> On Sat, Jun 25, 2011 at 12:59 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>>     I was making a fool of myself, though, just standing there on the
>> sand garden walkway, looking up at her.
>
> This "was" is jarring because it does not contrast with the dip in the
> past you just took. If you'd reorder the standing on the deck part
> here then you set a scene in the past and then apply the contrast by
> setting the scene in the present. Like say, show how she stands on the
> deck now. Reveal her body language, expression, or gestures. In that
> case it would be: "Oh her",  "what she was back then" and then finally
> "See her standing on that deck ..." or something.

Yeah, that was a typo.

> Also you keep bouncing between past and present tense. Convention says
> that speech and thought are in the present tense and consideration
> being made later while writing down what happened are in the past
> tense.

I hadn't made myself clear that I was trying to sort out the tense
issues, I see....  Those are typos, not stylism.

>>     That's for different reasons, but ultimately, he's not far off
>> the mark.  "Well, you're right that I knew her from a long time ago.
>> Suzumiya-san and I went to school together with Nagato."
>
> So the kid's mom did not attend North High? That moves the divergence
> point back a bit...

Not what I was attempting to imply ... Tsuruya was in a different year.

> And that is one long lived cat, or replacement unit for same.

Yeah, that'd be addressed in the next chapter.

>>     I don't often have guests in the crappy one-room apartment I live
>> in but do not consider home.  Aside from Haruhi, Koizumi was probably
>> about the only one.  "It's quite simple," he tells me, sitting on the
>> other side of the table.  "Suzumiya Haruhi expects that you will
>> succeed.  Third time's a charm, hmm?"
>
> Especially here the use of present tense really throws me off.

Right.  This is a lost cause.

> So settle for Yuki who is light years (literally) beyond any human ability.
>
> Much better than the prologue.

I realize now it was a mistake to post this.  My apologies.

Thank you for your help; I won't be revising any further.

> -HJC
-- 
Brian Randall
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