[FFML] [SHnY] Later -- Chapter One

[Brian Randall]

     Later -- Chapter One

     A Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction

     By Brian Randall

     Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy
of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yutsuu' is the creation of
Nagaru Tanigawa.  No disrespect is intended with the creation of this
work.

     Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.

     -------------------------------------------

     It's a remarkable difference to see her standing on the deck,
above the sand garden's lower walkway, contrasted against my last view
of her.  I won't forget that image, though ... given all that time, it
had been strongly built up, too.

     She'd just turned twenty, in her second year of Toudai.  I
remember the heat in her expression, the bewildered anger....  There
was her signature confidence, behind all that, too.  Now, of course,
the anger was gone -- but the confidence was still there.  She was
still confused, but after that much time, well....

     I was making a fool of myself, though, just standing there on the
sand garden walkway, looking up at her.  "Fifteen years, that sounds
about right," I say, before the moment grows longer.

     Looking vaguely uneasy, Tsuruya shakes her head, saying, "I will
check on Kin-chan....  Haruhi, if you like, why don't you and Kyon-kun
catch up?  Um ... he can show you the grounds."

     Haruhi gives Tsuruya a curious glance, studying her as though
searching for some ulterior motive before she nods.  "Um, thanks,
Tsu-chan.  Yeah ... that'd be ... good."

     Tsuruya leaves, chasing after her son, and Haruhi turns back to
me, one hand holding the edge of her skirt down as she hops to the
lower walkway a few steps away.  She catches her balance and raises
her other hand as though to adjust her hair, then pauses, hesitant.
She's shorter than me, still ... I'd forgotten, thanks to the height
of the porch.  Now she's wearing house-sandals, but I can easily
imagine her wearing sensible lifts with her current ensemble.  When my
eyes go back up, they catch hers for a heartbeat.

     Then I remember other times, so long ago....

     I don't want to think about that, though.  Instead, I gesture
down the pathway, to the traditional garden.  This late in the year,
the lighting isn't good, and it won't really be much to see....  The
bonsai in the greenhouse, maybe.  Never mind that, though.  I can tend
them tomorrow.  "So," I say, shaking my head, "Suzumiya Haruhi, how
have you been?"

     "Fuck," she says, tossing her hair and rolling her eyes,
completely betraying the business-like persona her clothing suggested.
 "Nice evasion, asshole."  Then she punches me in the shoulder -- not
hard enough to knock me over, but enough to sting.  Laughing, she
steps ahead of me.  "So, really ... you're the gardener here?"

     "Yeah," I answer, rubbing my shoulder.   "Uh ... at this point,
I'm the longest working employee on the estate."

     "No shit?" she asks, raising an eyebrow at that.  She rounds the
corner to the traditional garden, then turns her head, studying the
lay of the different plots and the arrangements surrounding the koi
pond.  "You do all of the gardening alone?"

     "Yeah."

     She shakes her head.  "I recognize this arrangement," she
declares, indicating the pond.  "This was popular in the Nara period."

     "That's right."

     "Hmm.  The sand garden was nice, though...."

     "A garden has been maintained in this particular style on the
Tsuruya estate historically since Nara was the capital.  It's not
really ... my place to change it...."

     Heaving a sigh, she turns her heavy gaze to me.  "How ... did
this happen?  I mean...."  She hesitates, then prods, "I mean ...
y...you....  That day, what happened?"

     I have my reasons.  It's not like I haven't gone over them dozens
-- well....  Possibly thousands of times.

     Of course, when you come face to face from the person you ran
away from, half a life ago, those justifications feel pretty flimsy.
Even if they are true.  "I couldn't take the pressure," I say
honestly, not meeting her eyes, staring at the bamboo boar-scarer,
currently idle with the pump disabled.

     Her gaze goes to it, too, and she takes the stepping stones to
the device, examining it more closely, but not actually touching it.

     "So ... you just ran away," she mutters.  "Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.  T...that's just...."  She sighs, her head still bowed.
After a moment, she speaks, though it's somewhat slowly.  "You have no
idea how much you pissed me off, Kyon."

     That's about what I expected....  I can't honestly say that I've
forgotten about Haruhi.  She's the type of person you don't forget.
"I ... guessed I might," I admit, turning to the garden.

     She's quiet for a moment, pushing down on the bamboo rod, then
letting it fall back to the stone with an echoing clatter.

     "You _asshole_!" she snaps, struggling to keep her voice quiet.
She looks about to say more, but turns, staring into the still koi
pond, where the fish sluggishly wait for warmer weather.

     I can see that she'd be furious.  After all ... I denied her what
she wanted.  More importantly, I failed her.  I disagree on when I
actually failed, though.  How to tell her that?

     "Toudai wasn't for me," I say, which is a pretty crummy defense.

     She gives me a look that says she thinks so, too.  "You could
have made it through college," she says, in a slightly accusatory
voice.  "O...or, if you'd just ... told me that you wanted to be a
poet....  Hell, you'd never even come up with a decision of what to do
with your life after school!  Or a major--"  She cuts herself off with
a sigh.  "So ... gardening, huh?"

     "And poetry," I admit.  "I didn't really see either of them
coming to me, though ... I couldn't have told you back then because I
didn't _know_."

     "You still haven't really told me why," she reminds me, fixing me
with another hard stare.

     "Because you are Suzumiya Haruhi," I tell her.  "Do you remember
high school?  Back ... before we tested for Toudai, you know, with the
practice exams...."

     "So?  Of course I remember ... and when you applied yourself, you
didn't do that badly!  I got you though that!  If you'd stuck with me,
I...."  She trails off with another sigh, hanging her shoulders.

     "You probably were good enough to get both of us through
college," I say carefully.  She's smarter than me ... I shouldn't have
to explain more than that.

     She smiles, then, though it's very sad.  "Yeah," she sighs.  "I
had to tell you I was pissed off ... because even if it was some
crazy-ass demand from your 'artist's soul', or whatever -- it was
still a total dick move, Kyon.  Seriously, you didn't even have the
balls to say _goodbye_?"

     I cannot deny the truth of her words ... or meet her gaze.  So I
turn to stare at the koi as well.  "You're right," I acknowledge
weakly.  "I didn't -- because I knew if I tried, you'd never let me
go.  And probably neither would I."

     The faint winter breeze settles, and the pond's surface stills.
I can see her reflection, though her image wavers faintly.  Her eyes
seem especially watery, reflected there.  "Stop trying to be so
_nice_!" she snaps, her voice strained.  "Because the worst thing
about you is even after that, I can't hate you for it!"

     I look up in surprise, and see the one thing I had failed to take
into account....  Ah, no, after this long, I knew about it.  I'm lying
if I say otherwise.  I knew it could hurt her, but I was so desperate
to try and right my own situation in some small way that I put myself
ahead of her.

     After all ... even if I liked her, I couldn't stand seeing the
shambles of my life in comparison to hers; not then.  "I would have
slowed you down, you know," I tell her.  "Like when you made us into a
band ... remember that?"

     She nods, still staring at the pond as the wind picks up,
scattering our reflections.

     "You didn't need us ... and if you had gone on your own, or found
people who could keep up with you better...."  I shrug.

     "But we were a club!  I couldn't very well have called it a club
activity if...."  She shakes her head, crossing her arms over her
chest.  "We were friends.  Friends do things together, you idiot.  I
know that I have a lot of energy ... but it's not like you couldn't
keep up--"

     I hold up a hand to forestall her.  "Suzumiya-san ... you may be
right."  Actually ... she would absolutely be right, if it came down
to it -- except for those horrible consequences.  "You may be wrong.
At this point, it's a decade and a half into being academic."

     She stares at me, then nods grudgingly.  "I do know that," she
tells me softly.  "I mean ... intellectually.  You can know something
on a logical level and not care for it on the emotional level.  But
then ... I guess you probably never would have written anything ... if
you were with me."

     I can't help but feel touched by that ... shaken, too, but
touched.  That tells me that she really _could_ have found me again.
The only reason she didn't must have been because some part of her
didn't want to....

     At least I seemed to have gotten that part right.

     I clear my throat, turning to stare at the wall of the Tsuruya
shrine garden.  "Y...you read my book?" I ask.  A stupid question; she
remembered the renga that Tsuruya, Kintaro, and I had made, those
years ago.  She'd _memorized_ it.  Stupid of me to include that in a
published volume, in retrospect.  Did I really think that Haruhi had
forgotten my name?

     Actually ... I think I might have believed that for a while.  I
was wrong, though, and it would hardly be the first time.

     She laughs softly and shakes her head.  "I've read all of your
books," she clarifies.  "It....  I was really shocked when I saw your
first one.  I saw your name ... really, it was kind of funny."  She
clears her throat and turns to stare at the clouds.  "I lost that year
of college, thanks to you, you know."

     I flinch at that.  "N...no?" I manage, surprised.  "Well ... I
thought I was holding you back, but that--"

     "Oh, hell, no -- tell me you haven't been holding that over your
own head for all those years?" she demands, eyes widening in
incredulity.  "I mean, damn, I thought you could be stupid sometimes,
but seriously?"

     "Not ... precisely," I say, shaking my head.

     She sighs, relaxing very slightly.  "Anyway, how did you end up here?"

     "Um ... I ran away from ... everything for a while.  I ran into
Tsuruya-san near Kyoudai...."

     "Looking for Mikuru-chan?" Haruhi asks, half-heartedly.

     I shake my head again.  "I wasn't there on purpose."

     "Alright," she says reluctantly, raising her hands and sighing.
"I'm not being a terribly good guest....  Ah, I'm reluctant, though.
You're going to promise me that we're going to meet up again to talk?
Like ... properly catch up?  Even if I've read your books...."  She
shrugs.  "You know.  Tomorrow night, how about that?  We can have
dinner -- since you're doing so well, big-shot published poet, you can
treat me, eh?"

     Considering she's right that I had wronged her ... I do owe an
explanation.  It may not be pleasant, but I've had long enough to run.
 "Okay," I agree.  "Um ... for various reasons, Kintaro spends some
time with me during the week."  Haruhi gives me a questioning look,
and I quickly explain, "Tsuruya-san's husband passed away before
Kintaro was born.  Tsuruya-san and I are friends, so I help look out
for him, where Tsuruya-san's husband can't."

     "Ah," she sighs.  Again, a strange mix of annoyance and
satisfaction.  It must just be that I can't read her as well as I once
thought I could.  If I ever really was very good at that.  "And so,
'Uncle'."

     I nod in answer.  "Um ... you're staying here, then?"

     "For a few days," she agrees.  "Tsuruya-san...."  She looks
uncomfortable and places one hand on her side, above her hip, looking
away at the cloudy sky.  "Well, for a few days."  Her mouth quirks
into a smile as her hand drops to her side, and she teases, "Inviting
me to stay with you, then?"

     I cough and shake my head urgently.  I don't blush; I just feel
like an idiot.  I've had years of practice at that, though.  "I'll
come by tomorrow to pick you up and treat you to lunch," I offer.  "Um
... and I know you probably haven't talked to Nagato in a while, so,
that might be nice, too...."

     Haruhi's eyes first go wide, and then she looks briefly furious,
both hands dropping to her sides and clenching into fists.  Then she
relaxes and forces her gaze away, her breathing still slightly
quickened.  "Well, shit," she says quietly.  "So, you and her, then?"

     "What?" I reply, uncertain.  What does she think?

     She shakes her head quickly.  "Just....  Oh, well ... I thought
she liked you, you know?" she asked.  "Um ... so, you know,
Mikuru-chan walks off one day.  A few years later, even though I
tried, _you_ ran away....  And when I told Nagato, she vanished, too!"
 She stills herself, forcing that smile that I'm starting to realize
is a mask ... more natural than Koizumi's, but still a mask.  "Ah ...
but ... that was so long ago....  Lunch tomorrow, huh?"

     I had no idea that Haruhi would have been mad at Nagato.

     "Yeah...."  I'm just full of good ideas today.  "You know where I
work, anyway, so...."

     "Kyon-kun!" Tsuruya carols from the deck, leaning around the
corner of the house and waving, Kintaro poking his head out from
behind her and giving a huge grin.  She beams a smile at us, then hops
daintily down to the pathway, quickly trotting to my side.  She turns
her smile to Haruhi, a quick, worried glance between us briefly
betraying her concern before she adds, "Haruhi!  So, did you catch
up?"

     Kintaro doesn't replicate his mother's feat, instead trotting
around to the steps, then rounding the corner eagerly.  "A bit,"
Haruhi says, nodding.  "There's just an awful lot to catch up
about....  Um, a...anyway, we haven't really ... properly finished
catching up ourselves, have we?"

     "True!" Tsuruya agrees.  "Um ... so ... Kyon-kun...."  And she
gives me a familiar, easily readable gaze.

     "Hey, Kin-chan," I prompt the young boy, who bounces excitedly on
his feet, looking between us all expectantly.  "You know what?
Suzumiya-san and your mother might want some privacy.  How about
staying over at my place tonight?"

     "Okay!" he cheers.  "Will Nagato-san be there?  Or Auntie?"

     "Ah...."  I check my mental calendar.  Tomorrow night was
originally planned to be a 'family' dinner night -- Tsuruya, Kintaro,
and 'Auntie' (my sister) over to join Nagato and I.  Tsuruya liked the
idea of a weekly tradition for Kintaro, and honestly, I didn't much
mind.  "Nagato, as always," I agree, mustering a smile.  Judging by
Haruhi's expression, she's keen on finding out the identity of my
sister, but I'll ignore that for now; a harmless mystery she can
unravel with Tsuruya's assistance while I try and clear my head.

     Tsuruya pats Kintaro's shoulder.  "Kin-chan, why don't you show
Suzumiya-san to the sitting room?  We should offer our guest a drink,
too, shouldn't we?  Now, I'll be along in a moment, but I wanted to
ask Uncle for a little favor, alright?"

     Haruhi glances between us, undoubtedly picking up at least some
of the subtext, but nodding, beaming a smile at the boy.  Once Tsuruya
judges she's out of earshot, she turns back to me, bringing her hands
together before her in an old nervous habit.  "I'm sorry," she says
with a quick shake of her head.  "I didn't....  There was no warning--
 I wanted to let you know, but she showed up...."  She sighs, then
gives a rueful chuckle.  "Um ... so ... Kin-chan won't be any
trouble?"

     He never is.  With his mother's disposition, and Tsuruya's
dedication to ensuring that his upbringing mirrored her own....  "Of
course not.  And an excuse to get out just now is fine, too.  Even so
... what do we get by running all the time, huh?  Tomorrow, she'll be
having lunch with me, and then...."  Well, then I'm not actually sure.

     It would be fair to say I've become complacent, especially in
recent years.  This doesn't mean I can't deal with the unexpected,
though.  Like water, I will simply follow the path of least
resistance, down to the roots of the problem.

     Tsuruya gives me a sympathetic nod.

     "Did she say what brought her by, by any chance?" I ask.  It's
not exactly something we speak of ... but I had been under the
impression that Haruhi was upset with Tsuruya.  They'd been friends in
high school, but Asahina-san's disappearance changed that.  Haruhi
believed that Tsuruya _had_ to know where Asahina-san went, and just
wouldn't tell her--

     After all, they'd taken the admission exam for Kyoudai together.
Then again ... we've seen how well _that_ translates into actually
keeping tabs on one-another, haven't we?  Add in my track record on
being wrong about Haruhi, especially today....  What do I know?

     "She said she's having some trouble with her parents," Tsuruya
says with a shrug.  "I don't know why....  At our age, well...."

     She shifts her feet slightly, her hands still nervously together.

     "Do you think ... she found Mikuru-chan?" she asks very softly.

     I give an apologetic shake of my head.  "I believe she would have
said so, if she had.  Anyway, I'll take care of Kin-chan for tonight,
and walk him to school in the morning."

     "Thankie," she agrees, giggling and ducking her head slightly.
"I will find a way to make this up to you, Kyon-kun."

     I give her a slight shake of my own head in return.  "Let's not
talk about debts between us," I say.  She moves her hands apart and
shifts one foot as though to close the tiny amount of distance between
us, but instead just reaches out with one hand, pinching the fabric of
my shirt sleeve.

     "There's no obligation, only gratitude," she chides after a
moment, sliding her fingers down to the cuff, near my wrist.  "Now ...
I'll speak with Haruhi."

     "Okay.  I'll see you tomorrow then, when I come by to pick her
up."  Considering that Haruhi's here, we leave it at that.  She
releases my cuff and goes back to the rear entrance.  I'm wearing
outdoor shoes, not sandals, so I walk around to the front, giving my
stinging shoulder one last rub.

     ***

     After gathering Kintaro's supplies -- clothes, homework, the book
he's reading -- the two of us walk back to my place.  Kintaro, much
like his mother, is curious, energetic, and very sharp.  We're barely
a block away from the estate before he stops talking about his verse
to drop his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.  "Uncle, Suzumiya-san
is one of your really good friends, isn't she?"

     "How did you get that, kiddo?" I ask, staring down at the boy
with a smile.  Might as well enjoy it while I can; he's probably going
to end up being a little taller than me.

     "Um...."  He looks thoughtful, and a tiny bit mischievous.  After
eleven years, I know that look....  Not that I get a lot of chances to
remind him not to be prideful.  He's usually right when he thinks he's
being clever.  "Uncle only lets a few people call him 'Kyon'.  Auntie
and Mother, and Auntie says Uncle's parents, too.  So, Suzumiya-san
must be a good friend; not even Nagato-san calls you that nickname."

     That's for different reasons, but ultimately, he's not far off
the mark.  "Well, you're right that I knew her from a long time ago.
Suzumiya-san and I went to school together with Nagato."

     Kintaro blinks at this, his smile improbably widening.  "She
seems nice!" he declares.  "Auntie will really like her!"

     He's more right on that one than he knows.

     "Why don't I remember you or Mother speaking with her before, though?"

     Maybe he's too sharp....  Then again, he's also very well
behaved.  "Honestly, I don't know if I can explain that, yet."

     Kintaro snickers, then jibes, "Suzumiya-san is a new boulder in
your sand arrangement, isn't she?"

     The perils of raising a child on poetry and symbolism.  Well, two
can play at that game.

     Not crossly -- never that -- I intone, "Manyoushuu -- number two
hundred eight."

     He's slightly taken aback by that and glances at the book he's
carrying.  He spends a moment thinking about it.  Tsuruya's memory
tricks, probably -- I never learned those ... different methods, I
suppose, but this is another one of those areas where I know Kintaro
will eventually surpass me.

     We're nearly home before he remembers, and flawlessly recites:

     "The mountains in autumn.
     "Fallen leaves in excess,
     "Looking for my lost beloved,
     "I cannot find the path."

     He looks confused, and only then do I realize my poor choice....
Of the hundreds of poems I've memorized, I picked that one.

     "Is that it, then?" he asks me sidelong, not really sure what the
deeper meaning might be.

     "A change of subject, is all," I tell him, which is not entirely
true.  "But excellent work, Kintaro.  You do your family proud."  That
part is entirely true.  "Now, go ahead and say hello to Nagato -- but
let me tell her that Suzumiya-san is in town."

     He accepts that, nodding.  Sometimes I wonder what goes through
his head.  I have a hard time imagining many children with such a
philosophical insight.  Though, he isn't lacking in his sciences,
either.  His grasp of language is absolutely unreasonable, though --
even Tsuruya admitted that she wasn't able to follow as much in the
way of poetry at his age.

     Bouncing on his heels, he spares only a glance for the gray sky
before dashing to the doorway to Nagato's shop.  I stop, surveying the
street.  When it's still, and there aren't many people....  Sometimes,
I still get the sense that Kimidori Emiri, or Asakura Ryouko -- or
worse, Suou Kuyou -- might whisk me off to some strange space....

     Things like that seemed to happen too often in high school.
After Haruhi went off for college, well ... not so much.

     After I ran away, twice -- and both of those events very long ago.

     No moment of otherworldly abduction comes, though.  Even if Haruhi is back.

     ***

     Nagato's shop is a bookstore, though she gets probably five
customers a day.  Actually, that could be a generous estimate.  A best
guess on my part that was slightly off ... but close enough.  I guess
that can be considered a success.

     There was a time when she actually took pains to sort the
inventory just like any other bookstore in town.  These days, all of
her actual business is on the internet, and the books are a sideline
she maintains because it is convenient to have access to them.  Her
real work is recommendations.

     I would not have considered that a viable field of work,
personally -- but I say this acknowledging that I have published books
of poetry.  Well, being more honest ... Nagato has published books of
my poetry.  I probably don't do her job justice to describe it the way
I do.  Through an interesting mixture of mathematics and her own
personal judgment, Nagato is able to suggest how a book can be changed
in some subtle way to get more sales.

     I'm not clear on what these subtle changes are, entirely....
Changing some character's name, shuffling a few minor plot elements
around....  Whatever magic it is she does, it works, though, and those
titles sell better.

     Personally, I can't abide those books.  It bothers me on a vague
level that it works out that way, but I always feel that afterwards,
I've read the worst, most generic, pandering piece of drivel ever.
When I finally gathered the courage to ask her about it -- since I
thought she was capable of far better -- she gave me the most amused
look I've probably ever seen from her and explained that she only
offered people solutions to improve sales, not quality.

     I liked that bit, though....  Probably about a dozen different
haiku on that theme are bouncing around my notebooks, but I haven't
found one that I like enough to let her try to publish.

     And then, naturally, I tried not to think about what it meant
that she never offered suggestions on my works.

     My job is getting my hands dirty -- literally.  Pruning,
landscaping, maintaining the koi ponds....  Work is work, so I
recognize that what she does is valid, even if I can't exactly
understand how it works.

     This leads to the fact that while the bottom floor of her
building is ostensibly a bookstore, the volumes are sorted as Nagato
likes.  Aside from herself, who understands it best, I can decipher
some sense of the layout -- meaning, if it's there, eventually I can
find it.  Kintaro is right behind me, rarely having difficulty finding
things, either.

     Some part of that kid is just good at figuring out patterns, I guess.

     I enter the store, glancing at the somewhat irregular lines of
bookshelves.  Short enough that Nagato can see over them from her work
area, arrayed in lines radiating out from her desk.  There's a
register there, but it's clearly secondary to the laptop she does her
work on.  The lighting is always bright, so everything is illuminated,
and the place is always clean, always quiet.

     At the moment, she's seated behind her desk, giving Kintaro the
same look of grave contemplation that she always regards him with as
he tries to stump her at classical poetry.  A futile attempt, that,
but you have to admire his willingness to try.  It's a piece by Mansei
Sami -- from the same volume I quizzed him on earlier.

     He laughs when she finishes reciting it, then bounces on his
tiptoes.  "Nagato-san, is Uncle cooking tonight?  Or are we having
curry?" he asks.  That total lack of tact reminds me that he is just
eleven, though without a doubt, more charming than my sister at the
same age.

     Nagato considers this for a moment.  Finally, she turns to me,
deferring the decision with, "Uncertain."

     During the winter, with less legitimate work at the Tsuruya
estate, I usually spend some time helping Nagato out.  She doesn't
need my help anymore, but she never complains.  "Well, Kiddo ... udon
tonight.  Soup's good on a winter day."  It also gives me a few hours
to shop, prepare the broth, and generally try and get over my
Haruhi-induced shock.

     "Homework," Nagato remarks, turning her attention back to her laptop.

     "You heard her," I chide Kintaro when he pouts.  "Keep Nagato
company for a bit while you work, alright?  I've go to do some
shopping for dinner."  He obediently moves behind the counter, taking
a seat at the register past Nagato and setting his backpack on the
elevated surface.  Turning to her, I ask, "Did you need anything?"

     Already tapping away at her next project, she answers, "No."

     I hesitate a moment, but leave before she can react.  I'm sure
she notices anyway.

     ***

     Free to lose myself in the comforting sameness of everyday
shopping, I walk the few blocks over to the market district, and
collect what's needed for dinner.  Walking around and perusing
vegetables, it occurs to me that I'm still in a mild sort of shock.

     I mean, my plan was to run away.  I hadn't forgotten, but then,
neither had I planned to reunite with Haruhi.  My sister brings me the
occasional letter that gets sent to my parents' home, reminding me of
a high school reunion, but I'd quite intentionally ignored those.  I
guessed Nagato ignored hers, too, if she got any.  Tsuruya invited me
with her, once, but I passed on that, as well.  It probably wouldn't
have mattered, given that Haruhi and Tsuruya were different years, but
I'd just as soon not run into Kimidori, either.

     Within all that, I'd just gotten used to the way things were.  I
still thought about her, but that was never enough to prepare me for
the reality of it.

     I spend a few minutes trying to catch my breath -- sort this all
out in my head.  Probably I look like I'm obsessed with finding the
world's most perfect daikon radish before I give up on the shopping
excuse.  I find a bench outside and sit down, just trying to clear my
head of thoughts and breathe.

     In, out.  A deep inhalation, let the stress and disorder pool in
my lungs, and exhale slowly, releasing the disharmony.

     The people around me spare only a glance for just another tired
thirty-something, catching his breath on a park bench.

     I don't think I'll find it, but even there, shaken, uncertain,
and unable to guess what will happen next, I reach my muse.

     Aimless loops and whorls,
     People going through their lives,
     Drifting, unguided.

     Not my best.  It's still enough, though.  That clears my state of
mind and allows me to actually shop.  Long routine allows me to
exchange pleasantries with the area clerks that recognize me, and a
few familiar shoppers preparing for their own meals.

     ***

     When I return home, Nagato's closed up the shop, so I go up the
stairs on the side of the building to the second floor -- the
apartments.

     The light in my window is on, and the door is unlocked when I
reach it.  Kintaro is sitting at the kotatsu with Nagato, petting
Shamisen.  All three look up as I enter, Kintaro looking mildly
annoyed, Nagato with her typical expression, save mild hints of
concern.

     "You know us old people," I tell Kintaro, before he can complain.
 "We move slower in winter."

     "If you moved faster, you'd stay warmer!" he counters, smirking.

     "That sounds suspiciously like effort.  Here, I got you a taiyaki
from the market," I tell him, picking one of the pastries from the top
of the bag and showing it to him.  "Wash up and you can have a snack
before dinner -- if you're done with your homework, you can turn on
the television."

     "Sweet!" he chirps, wriggling out from under the table and
dashing off to the washroom.  Nagato looks amused as I put the treat
back in the bag, then pull out another.

     "I got you one, too."

     She rises from the table before accepting it, then follows me
into the kitchen.  After I put down the groceries I study her for a
moment, and she tilts her head slightly, studying me in return.

     "Try a bite," I suggest.

     She blinks, looking down at the treat curiously.  She timidly
takes a bite from the fish-shaped pastry, then blinks again.  After
considering the taste she remarks, "Chocolate."

     From when I first met her, Nagato hasn't changed a whole lot
physically.  She gained maybe three centimeters in height, and her
features sharpened very slightly, but that's about it.  The only real
striking difference is that her hair has grown longer, just past her
shoulders.

     Of course, that's just physically.

     I don't really know how encountering Haruhi might affect Nagato
at this point.  I hadn't really considered the possibility of
animosity between them, but judging by Haruhi's reaction earlier, I'm
not doing anyone favors by ignoring it.  I try and compose myself,
hoping to set a mood, and maybe reassure Nagato.

     While I'm contemplating, Kintaro eagerly trots into the room for
his pastry, then describes a quick figure eight around us before
retreating into the living room.

     Taking another nibble of her taiyaki, she gives me a cool blink,
her lips very slightly quirked in her usual tiny smile, though her
eyes are mildly curious.  She may not be as aware as she once was, but
she's still razor sharp; she knows that something's bothering me.

     I try anyway:

     "Against winter's chill
     "I am protected by these:
     "Yuki and her koi."

     Maybe too many double-meanings at the last.  She seems to like it
anyway, quietly whispering, "Thank you."  She takes another bite of
her snack before placing it back in the wrapper and setting it down,
giving me an expectant stare.

     "Tsuruya-san had an unexpected guest today," I start, getting out
the dishes for dinner.

     She frowns, but moves to the sink to start washing vegetables.
"Who?" she asks, her gaze going to the task at hand, away from me.

     "It was Suzumiya Haruhi," I say cautiously.

     Nagato freezes, one hand halfway to the tap, her brow furrowed in
thought.  After a long minute of contemplation, she says, "Damn."

     I can't help but reflexively glance into the living room.
Kintaro is too absorbed by his show to notice.  "I invited her over
for lunch tomorrow, but if it's a problem, I can just take her
somewhere else."

     Shaking her head slightly, Nagato resumes motion, efficiently
washing the vegetables and handing them to me to cut.  "If you will be
there, then I am prepared," she says in return.

     "Are you sure?"

     She nods just as slightly.  "It seems unlikely you wish to
confront her alone."

     Aha....  Well, then:

     "Thank you, Nagato."

     After dinner, once Kintaro has been put to bed, I lie on my futon
and stare at the ceiling.  Instead of dreaming, which I would much
rather be doing, I replay the events of those long ago years....

     ***

     I was going to cheat on the national exam.

     This was the plan, as explained to me.  Invoking Godwin's Law,
I'll call it the Final Solution of appeasing Haruhi -- courtesy of
Koizumi.

     To be clear, I was opposed to this.  You'll understand my
sincerity on that later.  The idea was Koizumi's, or maybe his
superiors'.  It comes down to this, though.  After clearing high
school -- _barely_ -- I traveled all the way to Tokyo, along with
thousands of other hopefuls to take the test and get into Toudai.

     Toudai is often considered the best college in Japan, and that
was where Haruhi wanted to go.  So, that's where we tested for
admission.  The four of us, at least.

     No, wait ... step back further a bit.  Let me explain more.

     Asahina-san had left at the end of her third year -- the end of
our second.  She and Tsuruya had elected to go to Kyoudai, generally
considered the second best college in all of Japan.

     Ostensibly, at least.  I knew where she was really going....  She
did, too, though neither of us realized when it was actually going to
happen.  In retrospect, I think both of us had the impression that
there would be more time, that something could be said, afterwards ...
like there would be some satisfying denouement, where we could
exchange tearful goodbyes.

     Instead, she had taken a train to Kyoto, eager to test and come
back, and then never been seen again.

     Naturally, there were no parents to explain where she'd gone.
Official investigations went nowhere, and Haruhi couldn't trace
Asahina-san's steps through _time_, even if she insisted on following
them otherwise.  That had caused Haruhi an irritation that was further
compounded by my near-failure in the academic realm.

     This sounds bad, but follow it up with me taking the national
exam ... and failing.  Call it what you want, I didn't have the study
I needed to get the admission score.  Ultimately, there had been too
many occasions where I just didn't have the time....  Small
misadventures here and there ... some bigger ones.

     So, a one year ronin.  Haruhi made it in.  Koizumi, barely.  He
confessed to me later that he made it by only two points, and that the
time he spent dealing with closed space in those days was seriously
cutting into his studies.  Nagato had no trouble, obviously.

     My parents were naturally less than pleased.  Cue a full year of
attending college preparatory courses -- more cram school, pretty
much.  It wasn't so terrible ... I genuinely had time to study.  I
hung out, spending what little free time I had with Taniguchi.  Other
than that, cramming, day in, day out.

     Haruhi came by on occasion, but even with the bullet train, it
wasn't exactly a quick trip.  She'd tell me things about how college
was going, and then lecture me about studies.  Moreover, it was
expensive, and all told, she didn't have that much money, either.

     On to national exams, round two.  I took the train to Tokyo --
with Haruhi, who had no reason to come, other than to encourage me.
Koizumi and Nagato were there, as well.

     I can say quite honestly, the second time, I failed on my own
merit.  No excuses of the supernatural delaying my study time, here.
I could tell, mid-test.  I knew right then I was going to be a second
year ronin.  I had the English, my history was just not quite sharp
enough, and the higher math completely evaded me.

     My score ultimately worked out to be some eighty five points short.

     Becoming a second year ronin was not an easy transition.
Taniguchi had aimed for an easier college, but then, he'd never tried
Toudai the first time.  It was somewhere off in the west, by Sasaebo
or Sakajima, I think.  He made it in, so my study partner was gone.
Haruhi was pissed, of course, but not nearly as much as my parents.
They weren't particularly pleased with the idea that I kept on going
after Toudai, either.

     This meant moving out.  Haruhi suggested that I go to Tokyo, that
she'd find some place for me to stay and help me get the study I
obviously needed.

     I couldn't quite commit myself to that, even with no real other
options.  Eventually, while my parents were insisting that I try for a
local college, something my scores would get me into, I wrangled a
part-time job at an electronics supply store, doing shipping and
receiving.  My parents gave me just enough extra to get by, and I
studied even harder.

     Which brings us to the pivotal moment.

     ***

     I don't often have guests in the crappy one-room apartment I live
in but do not consider home.  Aside from Haruhi, Koizumi was probably
about the only one.  "It's quite simple," he tells me, sitting on the
other side of the table.  "Suzumiya Haruhi expects that you will
succeed.  Third time's a charm, hmm?"

     My crummy furniture is buried under discarded study guides.  In
fact, both of us are using them as coasters.   Not really out of any
desire to protect the table, as much as recognition of the fact that
there would be no point to moving them aside.  "I appreciate that ...
but this isn't new.  If you're bringing it up again, then there's some
deeper significance to the situation, this time?"

     "It's like this," Koizumi says slowly.  "She expects that you
will succeed.  She is ... significantly distressed about your previous
results."

     Thanks for that update.  "No, really?"

     "We aren't entirely certain how this distress is going to present
itself," he says, somewhat crossly.  "At this point, it has been some
time since there has been a manifestation of her power in this world,
outside of closed space.  We suspect -- and Nagato-san agrees -- that
there could be ... dire consequences, depending on your test scores."

     I survey my surroundings.  My worn bedding, the stack of dishes
on the sink, the ancient CRT television my father gave me as a
going-away present.  Clothes, untidy piles of necessities....  That's
really almost it.  The most impressive thing I have is my laptop from
the old SOS Brigade clubroom, and that doesn't work unless it's
connected directly to power, anymore.

     "Yeah, that must be bad," I grumble.  "What's your point?  What's
going to _happen_?"

     "If you don't test _well_, then our suspicions are that ... facts
themselves may be altered to suit your answers.  Naturally, this is
undesirable, because...."

     He doesn't quite say it, but I feel the implication is clear.  I
drop my gaze to the latest study guide, almost entirely filled out.
"So....  What's the plan, then?"

     "We haven't managed to get anyone inside to let us replace or
falsify your test, which would simplify things," he says, shaking his
head.  Which means Nagato's bosses don't seem inclined to interfere.
"So ... the plan is relatively straightforward.  We will have a
lookalike borrow your identification and take the test for you."

     ***

     And then, I wondered, though I didn't ask, what about classes?
If I couldn't legitimately get in ... how was I to actually do well?
Add in the fact that, even if it did satisfy Haruhi that I got in with
her, at two years behind, we had little chance of getting common
classes.  At that point, I started to question why it would matter.

     When she finished classes, I'd still be two years behind.

     So, this was the last hope.  Someone else would have to make up
for my lack, because Haruhi had to get her way.  If I took the test
and did poorly, the world would end?

     I don't know ... maybe it was pride.  Maybe it was fatigue.  I
looked at the options as they presented themselves, and asked myself,
what was the winning move?

     What little time I had not working or studying was spent reading
philosophy books and poetry, because, hey, as an aspiring college
student, isn't that what I'm supposed to be doing?  I came to like
some parts of the taoist ideal, though I felt that I was inwardly too
troubled to really follow it.  Still, that suggested the most simple
outcome....

     It wasn't like the decision came to me in a flash.  The _idea_
did.  But when I first considered it, it wasn't something I was
confident I could actually do.  At the same time ... it seemed valid.
It was _an_ answer.

     Haruhi couldn't accept me failing the test.  I didn't believe I
could honestly pass it.

     Koizumi posed one alternative, where my inability was irrelevant,
and the next situation would present itself.  It required the smallest
amount of effort on my part.

     Or I could do even less.  If I didn't _take_ the test, then I
couldn't _fail_ it.

     I had to remove myself from the equation.

     This was actually easier to accomplish than one might have
expected.  I mean ... I suppose, in some small way, I was hoping that
I'd screw it up ... that it wouldn't be the end of my association with
the friends I had.  Except ... that had already _happened_.  Haruhi
and the others had spent the better part of two years in Tokyo, while
I remained back home in Nishinomiya studying for nothing.

     Haruhi came to escort me to the train station....  Not in force.
This time it was just her.  No Nagato, no Koizumi.

     I had everything important to me in a bag; what few possessions I
had left, anyway.  Most of the older things, those childhood relics,
were safely enshrined in my parents' home.  Not that we really got
along that well, what with them thinking I had signed up for a college
I might actually pass the test for.

     Koizumi had previously assured me that it wouldn't be much of a
problem to switch my identification with my supposed double on the way
into the test hall.  Surely once I got in, all would be forgiven?

     It wasn't going to come to that, though.  Haruhi had tickets for
the bullet train.  We hadn't talked much after she came to meet me at
my apartment.  She just fidgeted with the exam ticket she had asked to
hold for me.  I mean ... well, why not, though?  I lacked the
competence to pass the test, so maybe I could lose the pass, too,
right?

     ***

     While we waited at the platform, she turned to me, the corners of
her mouth twisting down with distaste.  Over the last three years,
while Asahina-san had been gone, Haruhi had grown her hair out ... not
as long as it was when she first started high school, but growing
pretty steadily.  "Kyon," she begins hesitantly, her eyes flicking to
me, then away, studying the empty berth where the train will stop.
"Um ... so, I've been thinking about this a lot.  About when you get
into Toudai, I mean -- and seriously, it's taken you long enough!"

     She steals another annoyed glance at me and I see it, for a
moment.  She really _has_ decided that, somehow, I will get a passing
result.  I know I can't, though.  And, really, Koizumi's organization
has so little faith in me, I'm not even going to be given the option
to try.

     "Yeah," I answer, staring at the boarding schedule.  I never was
good at lying....  Especially to her.

     "Well ... y...you're behind in studies, you know, so....  Um,
listen -- it's already decided, I mean.  I'm getting an apartment near
the college, and...."  She moodily glances up at the glass roof
overhead.  "We lost Mikuru-chan ... so...."  She hesitates again,
staring at her feet.  What does it say for me that now, she has so
much trouble picking her words?  There was a time she'd say anything
without a whit of hesitation, just letting out what she thought.  But
now?  "Uh....  Y...you can't have Shamisen at that place you're
staying now, right?"

     "No ... though it's so small, I think even he would hate it."

     "Well," she starts, furrowing her brow.  "T...the place I'm
thinking of allows....  Ah...."  On the verge of saying something, she
instead stomps on one foot and shifts her shoulders.  Her head shakes,
and she looks upset, annoyed about something.  "We should have enough
time to get something to eat before your test," she says instead,
changing the subject.  "There's a place not far from the campus where
they make some great ramen -- I think you'll really like it!"

     I feel sick and miserable, though when she glances at me, she
takes it for pre-test jitters.  Why is it that Haruhi is so set on the
SOS Brigade banding together?  Well, trying to hold together....  How
can she not recognize that, at the end of the day ... I just don't
have what it takes to keep up?  Here she is, offering to help me out
by taking care of my cat when I get into Toudai.  Reading between the
lines, she probably already paid the pet deposit on her apartment.
Just so she can keep me close?

     I've had the expectation for a long while that I wouldn't be able
to keep up with Haruhi.  I mean, she's super-gifted at everything she
does.  She has no real comprehension -- even though she herself is my
primary tutor -- how much easier it is for her over me.  In absolutely
everything.  There is no field she doesn't excel at, above and beyond
my ability, if she sets herself on doing it.  So, what hope does a
mere mortal have of really impressing her?  Add in the fact that the
one area I know things she doesn't ... I can never tell her about.
Let's face it, anyone could feel inadequate, given enough time.

     Even so, it's the _manner_ of my inadequacy that manages to
stagger me.  I'll confess, the signs were there, but I didn't see it
coming.  Obviously, for it to be bothering her as much as it had ...
she didn't either.  So, at the end of the day, I just couldn't make
the cut.  I thought it would be some realization of her power that
would be the thing that separated us ... not me running away from the
fact that I just wasn't good enough.

     And then, no matter how you look at it, even if she tries her
hardest....  I become a charity case.  In the best case scenario, I'm
an endearing loser -- not genuinely able to participate on the level.
Letting that sensation fester for a few years....

     Don't get the wrong idea.  I didn't have anything against Haruhi.
 At this point, as long as we'd known each other, she really was
trying to be a friend to me.  We can thank Asahina-san for that, I
suppose.  It was just that ... I was _tired_.  I couldn't deal with it
anymore.

     So ... when the train was boarding, I waited until the last
moment and slipped back off the car while Haruhi was looking for
seats.  For a moment, when the doors shut, before it lurched into
motion, I was afraid that being herself, she would pull the emergency
brake.

     But then, you've just listened to me complain about how sorry I
was feeling for myself because she's much smarter than I will ever be.
 She understood well enough.  She knew I wasn't lost.  She made it to
a window, so I saw her for one last moment before the train sped away.

     She looked bewildered, angry....  Beneath that, she looked determined.

     And so ... I ran.

     A hard life lesson: We don't always get what we want.

     I couldn't think of any other way to get the point across.

     Really ... for myself, as much as her.

     -------------------------------------------

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.