[FFML] [SHnY] New Game +

[Brian Randall]

I'm really not sure if this is humor or horror....  I think it's
hilarious. Let's see.



     New Game +

     A collection of Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi fanfiction shorts

     By Brian Randall

     Disclaimer: The series begun with the light novel 'The Melancholy
of Suzumiya Haruhi'/'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yutsuu' is the creation of
Nagaru Tanigawa.  No disrespect is intended with the creation of this
work.

     Note: May contain spoilers up through book nine.  Also, meant to
be humor, but due to value dissonance, I can honestly see people
seeing it as horror.  I really can.  I think you call this a crack
fic?  Be warned!  Some stylistic effects borrowed from Rai Shu, base
idea shamelessly stolen from my impression of what Mr. Cobb was going
for with the first part of 'The Pillar of Haruhi Suzumiya' (I was
wrong!).
     -------------------------------------------

     High school, when I walked through the door of my new classroom
on my first day, truly lacked the sense of importance that I thought
it should have.  Effectively, the last days of middle school were a
terrible, mind-numbing abyss of cram-school and late-night study
sessions.  I cannot help the abiding feeling of abandonment from it,
though.

     I did bring my grades up enough to earn my diploma and get into
this school, as painful as it was to learn those new study habits
alone.  Somehow, it felt like the kind of trial that would have been
much more endurable with some closer companion than the few
acquaintances I had made.  A girlfriend, perhaps....

     Sadly, it seemed no one emerged from my acquaintances to become a
closer friend after all, leaving me feeling vaguely discontent, but
with no one to blame.

     My hope was to be an average student, now, and not one that has
to panic and struggle for passing grades.  Unremarkable, just another
member of the crowd ... and maybe, as I feel I failed to in middle
school, I can form some closer friendships.  Those thoughts in mind,
when it was my turn to introduce myself to the class, I gave my
personal information and a short, but technically satisfactory
explanation of who I was and what my interests were.

     At that point, I sat down, confident that today, at least, would
pose no true challenges.

     The seat at the desk behind me scraped across the floor as the
student there rose, and I turned halfway around to glance at her.

     Behind me stood the proud figure of an attractive female
classmate -- she had fair skin, long, dark hair done up in a ponytail,
and a smile that seemed more than just friendly....  As I glanced at
her, I had the distinct impression she gave me a wink before
announcing:

     "From East Middle School, I am Suzumiya Haruhi!"  She paused to
allow an obviously fake cough out.  "Despite my past, I no longer have
much interest in the supernatural.  I plan to spend my time in high
school studying, playing video games, and scoring the world's most
awesome boyfriend ever before we go to college together and get
married."

     Another pause as she glanced across the stock-silent classroom,
everyone absorbing this somewhat unusual message in surprise.

     "I like my guys hot, thoughtful, and at least a little bit
snarky."  Leaning forward, her dark eyes locked onto mine, and her
lovely lips quirked into a deeper, almost menacing smile.  "So, hot
stuff!  Wanna hook up?" she prompted, waggling her eyebrows with a
hungry grin.

     Completely overwhelmed, realizing the entire classroom's
attention had somehow shifted magically off of the beautiful,
psychotic girl behind me, I turned slowly to face forward, tearing
myself from her heavy gaze.  This did nothing to lessen my awareness
of the amazed shock everyone else in the classroom stared at us with.

     "Hehe," she chuckled.  "Cute."

     Truly, I was not prepared.

     ***

     Whatever other eccentricities she had, Suzumiya ran off
immediately after the first break, without anything more than a
leering grin before she dashed through the door.

     Feeling able to breathe again, I looked around at my classmates
for some sign of an explanation for this prank -- if any of them were
in on it.

     Almost immediately my view filled with the wide-eyed and awed
expression of the boy who sat behind Suzumiya.  "How did you do that?"
he screeched at me.  "This is the legendary beast-girl of East Middle
School!  The Ice Queen!  The Eccentric Undatable!  She hates everyone,
and especially men!"

     Hello to you, too.

     He's jerked to one side, and thankfully away from my face as the
long-haired soft-spoken girl -- Asakura, I thought -- said, "Now,
now....  But, still ... this is a bit strange, isn't it?"

     "It's strange," Kunikida, one of my middle school acquaintances
agreed.  "Kyon never attracted the attention of any girls, before.
What's going on here?"

     My hated nickname was thus introduced into the minds of my classmates.

     "Hmm," Asakura mused, shaking her head.  "And on the first
day....  Taniguchi-kun, did you say that you knew her?  I hope she
isn't playing a joke at Kyon-kun's expense!"

     "Well, she's done crazy things, and tends to dismiss most people
as not worth her time -- I've never seen her interested in _anyone_,
and believe me, a _lot_ of guys tried asking her out in middle school!
 I'd know, I've been consigned to the hell of sha‌ring a class with
her for three years already!" the energetic boy replied, his gaze
locked firmly on Ryouko's face, smoothly dropping to her chest the
instant her attention returned to me.

     It doesn't take a genius to guess that he tried and was shot
down, too.  But, why me?

     What's special about me?  Just because we have adjacent seats?

     No one else could answer that question, either.

     ***

     At lunch, since she produced a bento and sat behind me, staring
intently at me the entire time she ate, I attempted to start a
conversation.

     I decided to ignore her earlier suggestion to me as a joke for
the time being anyway, and asked, "You believe you'll meet the person
you'll marry here, at this school?"

     "Wouldn't have come to this school otherwise," she confirmed
without hesitation, dismissing the girls who were buzzing around us
like circling buzzards, waiting for a chance to strike.

     Shaking her head slightly, she said, "So, tell me about your
hobbies!  I bet you like video games, too, huh?  RPGs especially?"

     I ... guess.  I mean, I'm not an otaku, or anything, but I've
played a few just like anyone else....

     "Did you think Dragon Quest Nine was kind of short?" she mused.

     Hmm, maybe a little.  I thought the end-game was too much of a
grind, really....  I couldn't bother with it.

     "Me, too," she complained.  "Hey, what about the Chrono Trigger remake?"

     Well, I never played the original, but it was pretty fun....  I
really liked the 'new game plus' feature -- I hadn't really seen that
in as many games as I would have liked before.

     "Yeah!" she agreed with remarkable enthusiasm, lighting up with
energy.  "Starting all over with all of your power-ups, going through,
smashing through all of those things that you couldn't beat last
time....  Maybe even take out the final boss before she can start the
first phase of her evil plan!  You know, all of the little things you
need to do to get an S rank victory and the best ending!"

     I can agree with that, though.  It's almost a pity that the real
world doesn't have such an option....

     She finds that thought incredibly amusing, and spends several
minutes laughing, for some reason.

     Well ... I think she's even crazier than my first guess, but
somehow, it's kind of charming, in an unsettling, far-too-hyper kind
of way.

     ***

     Opening ceremonies were mostly not worth commenting on....  Mostly.

     During the athletic competitions, Suzumiya put on a remarkable
demonstration, and Taniguchi took that opportunity to expand slightly
more on Suzumiya's history.  Throughout her middle school career she'd
done such strange things as left a giant symbol across the lawn to
communicate with aliens, plastered the walls with shinto mandalas, and
generally ignored every human around her for being 'dull'.  Most
especially, he reminded me, she scorned every boy who dared to date
her ... and right as he pointed that out, Suzumiya paused mid-run to
look towards our group and blow a kiss at me.

     In a surreal moment of dazed stupidity, I simply sat there, while
Taniguchi and Kunikida exploded away as though I were about to be
struck with a grenade.

     Yet again, I had the strange certainty that everyone there had
seen what had just transpired, as though some giant celestial focus
had zeroed in on this event.

     Some moments later, drawing as close as they dared, Taniguchi and
Kunikida began to compare notes as though I weren't there.

     "Kyon's never had any luck with girls...."

     "...Suzumiya's always hated boys...."

     And together, the pair of geniuses produced a formula that would
have caused Einstein himself to stare in awe.  Not, admittedly, for
its brilliance:

     "Opposites must truly attract!"

     First of all, who said anything about me being attracted to her?

     "Eh," Taniguchi mused, rubbing his chin, "I don't have a good
basis to judge, here -- Kunikida, do you think Kyon could do better?"

     "Absolutely not," my acquaintance answered without hesitation.

     "Leaves Asakura free for us, then!"

     And for that reason, I did not consider Taniguchi to truly be my friend.

     ***

     After all of the ceremonies ended and school let out, I hurried
to the shoe lockers to escape and clear my head.

     Somehow, not terribly surprisingly, Suzumiya stepped out of the
same doorway just behind me.  "Hey, cutie!" she called, sidling up to
me and using her strange power to draw all attention in the vicinity
onto me.  "Have you played The World Ends With You?"

     ...um.

     No?  It sounded interesting, but I never got a hold of it.

     "Sweet!  Bring something after the weekend to swap me for it -- I
think you'll get a kick out of it," she enthused.  "What do you have?"

     "Well," I admitted, "I have Okami-den, that's my newest game...."

     "Hey, we'll be getting our first assignments after the weekend --
so, Monday, why don't we hang out after school and finish our homework
together, so we can have more time to play?" she suggested, still
cheerful.  "I'll bring my DS games over!"

     You'll bring your games over?  So it's already decided that this
will be at my place?

     She smacks my shoulder, a blush springing to her cheeks as the
attention on us, just reaching the school's main gate feels like it
intensifies.  "Damn, you're bold!" she calls in a loud, cheerful
voice.  "But, okay -- you're just hot enough to sweet-talk me into
it--  See you on Monday, honey-buns~!"

     With that, giggling hysterically, Suzumiya zooms down the street
at a breakneck pace, pausing only to shoot me a few dozen glances and
accompanying winks.  This, incidentally, caused her long, dark
ponytail to sway behind her hypnotically, like a lithe dancer,
undulating, twisting, always hinting and....

     So....

     Ah....

     Wait.  What the hell just happened?

     "Okay!" Taniguchi declared, reaching a hand out to grab my
shoulder and halt my mindless march forward, towards the last
vanishing glimpse of Suzumiya's ponytail.  The heavy lens of the other
students' attention seemed to magically shift off me once more.  "You,
Kyon, are either just incredibly lucky, or the greatest player that
the world has ever known -- either way, let the merest fraction of
your glory shift onto me!"

     ...and that is why the moment I was outside of Suzumiya's
presence, an unwanted male attached himself to me.

     ***

     I enjoyed a relaxing weekend, unwinding and dusting off my small
video game library.  The vast majority of my games are for the console
my sister and I share, so I suppose it would be more accurate to call
them 'our' games.  But the hand-held game system was mine, and I had
five games.  A meager collection, and my allowance too paltry to
bolster it anytime in the near future....

     Mostly, though, I spent the weekend staring at the game cards and
pondering what this amazingly strange girl saw in me.  And it did seem
pretty specific to me ... though, I wondered if her attention could
just as easily shift away?

     Monday suggested that this was less likely than my initial guess suggested:

     I sat at my desk, having arrived a bit early ... earlier than
Suzumiya, at any rate.  I felt a lot of unwanted eyes on me, and
wondered what sort of reputation I had garnered just by being the
subject of Suzumiya's interest.  That same Asakura -- probably equal
in loveliness to Suzumiya, if only her hair were to be done up in a
ponytail -- approached me.

     "Ah ... Kyon-kun," she began, smiling awkwardly.  "I know I
already spoke with you about this, but I wonder ... Suzumiya has
utterly ignored everyone else who tried to pay attention to her, so,
might it be possible--"

     And then, quite abruptly -- so quickly I didn't even see her
arrive -- Suzumiya was there, incidentally bumping into the
blue-haired girl and sending her stumbling away with a yelp mid-word.

     "Back off, space-bimbo!" she cried inexplicably with her usual
manic energy, her eyes on Asakura.  "Kyon's _my_ man!"  And at that,
she dropped a possessive hand to my shoulder.

     ...this was news to me, though I confess a forming suspicion that
this was the case.  I wasn't sure which part of her statements to be
more confused by.

     "Oh," she said, almost as an afterthought, as all attention once
again seemed to fall onto me.  "Unless Kyon thinks you'll be fun in a
three-way, but I expect you'll be too boring for me.  Instead, I think
you should spend your time trying to improve the lot of a
problem-child like Yamane."

     "...um?" Asakura managed, accurately summing up everyone's
thoughts on that as I felt that strange shift in focus move away from
me and to the quiet, unremarkable boy near the back of the class,
wearing spectacles and holding a camera in his hands.  Come to think
of it, he'd taken a lot of photographs during the ceremonies, hadn't
he?

     "He's probably going to be some creepy voyeur or stalker,"
Suzumiya explained, shrugging, causing the boy to wilt, flinching in
on himself.  "Since you've got such an overload of positive energy,
you should turn his life around!  Teach him how to harness his inner
photographer in a productive and healthy way!  It'll also kick-start
your modeling career!

     "Most importantly, it'll keep you away from my Kyon -- because if
you don't watch it around him, you may find yourself moving to
Canada!"  Done, Suzumiya released my shoulder, dropped herself into
her seat, and beamed me a smile.

     In almost a daze, with a flinching backwards glance at Suzumiya,
Asakura stumbled her way to Yamane's desk, almost looking confused as
she suggested, "Um, Yamane-kun, do you think I could be a model?"

     The flinching boy worked his jaw a few times and managed a raspy,
"Absolutely!"

     "Um ... then ... w...we should work together for that, shouldn't we?"

     "Yes!" Yamane yelped, sitting bolt upright his eyes wide behind
his spectacles.  "I'll be your cameraman as long as you need!  From
here until the end of time!"

     "There," Suzumiya pronounced in satisfaction, as though she had
engineered the entire thing.  "Aren't they cute?"

     Yamane looked delighted, and Asakura, for her part....  Well, she
seemed kind of strangely amused, for some reason.  I've said this
before, but it bears reiterating:

     What the hell just happened?

     Suzumiya's smile deepened. "Do you think we'll make as cute a couple~?"

     Once again somewhat shaky, I turned to face forward.  I confess
... I drew some small amount of satisfaction from Taniguchi's
crestfallen expression.

     ***

     Somehow, without being able to think of a good reason to refuse
her, it came out that I walked Suzumiya to my home.  This time,
instead of parting from my side at the gate, in full view of our
classmates, she seized my arm and clasped it to her chest as though
trying to make it an integral part of her blouse.  Not a wholly
unwelcome sensation, in point of fact, but it seemed clear at this
point that she would only become more confusing to me, not less.

     Despite that, I was able to keep a clear head as we chatted about
various games we had both played.  Pleasant conversation,
surprisingly, and her views on games matched mine more often than not
-- or were things I could at least understand.

     Which lead me to believe if I was making sense of any part of
her, things were about to become much more confusing very, very
quickly.

     "Oh," she remarked as I pointed out my house and we walked down
the last stretch of road, "I'm going to start playing a game with you
as soon as we step inside!"

     "Which game is that?" I wondered, starting to actually look
forward to it a little.

     "Well, your goal is to defend yourself, naturally," she
explained.  "My goal is to steal your clothes and have my way with
you!"

     I stumbled forward, unable to find words in response.

     "It'll be way more fun than you expect," she assured me as I
opened the door to my house.  "But we really can't have any fun until
our homework is done."

     Ah, I see.

     Still, even for Suzumiya, that joke seemed a bit much....

     After we got inside my mother and sister met Suzumiya -- and they
all got along unreasonably well.  Shortly after that, we retreated to
my room, which may, perhaps, somewhat have been feverishly cleaned at
some point over the weekend in anticipation of having a girl over.
What of it?

     "Not too shabby," she opined, nodding.  Glancing at the
television, she added, "Too bad your parents don't let you have a
console in here, huh?"

     "Well ... I can move it upstairs from time-to-time, but the
screen downstairs is much larger," I offered.

     She grinned, then dropped onto my bed.  "That's okay, we'll head
over to my friend's place sometime to play," she decided.  "For now,
homework is important -- without good grades here, we'll never get
into good colleges, right?"

     There are much worse things than some crazy girl throwing herself
at you and helping bring your grades up.  She was light-years ahead of
me on ... everything, but she had an easygoing way of explaining
things, and was so friendly about it that before I realized it, we
were finishing the last assignments for the week -- and it was still
only Monday!

     "There!" she declared triumphantly.  "Now we've got the entire
week to play!"  She gave me a grin, just before she leaped at me.

     The supremely athletic girl plowed me effortlessly down onto my
own mattress, her fingers going lightning fast to the tie at my
throat--

     And this is when I realized that Suzumiya was not at all joking
about her game.  Due to my surprise, I didn't even think to resist
until she'd defeated my coat, tie, and half the buttons on my shirt.
My protests didn't slow her down, of course, but salvation came along
anyway.

     "Kyon-kun~!" my sister chirped, slamming my door open
explosively.  "Haru-nee~!  Dinner--  Oh, are you two wrestling?"

     ...it was a _form_ of salvation, at any rate.

     ***

     "So ... I don't want to come off as super-bitter or anything, but
I'm just going to point out that if you already slept with her, you're
kind of a man-slut," Taniguchi greeted me the next morning.

     "Oh, shut your mouth," Suzumiya retorted, before I could say
anything.  "He's too much of a prude for that."

     Somehow, I wasn't sure that improved the situation.

     "Just because you'd jump all over the first girl that gives you a
smile doesn't mean that there are no such things as gentlemen,
Tani-baka!"

     The class snickers at him as he sulked into his seat, and
Suzumiya gave a small sniff.

     Well ... somehow, I guess, thanks for that, Suzumiya.

     "I'm 'Haruhi' to you now," she corrected me.  "Or, 'you sexy thing'."

     ...right.

     A change of subject:

     "So, tell me about this friend of yours, S....  Haruhi?"

     "She's totally awesome," Suzumiya said insistently.  "You'll
_love_ her!  We should join her club -- she can join us in playing
video games and studying!"

     A club?  I wasn't really convinced....  But then, with someone
else around, it would be much harder for Suzumiya to win at her
'game'.

     Or so I thought.

     ***

     My introduction to Suzumiya's friend went like this:

     We approached the door to the literature club as a pair, and she
opened it before abruptly shoving me through forcefully, one hand in
the middle of my back.

     Not expecting such a violent action (though in retrospect, I most
certainly _should_ have), I stumbled forward and tripped, crashing
into the soft, yelping form of a female student as we toppled to the
floor.  Embarrassingly, she somehow managed to practically wrap
herself entirely around me by the time we struck, though I took most
of the force on my shoulder.

     Suzumiya's laughter begins to sound immediately.

     The pair of us were tangled together completely, this person who
I could see nothing more of than a mop of light purple hair squirming
against me, making absolutely no progress in getting away.  In fact,
when I tried to extricate myself from the situation, her movements
countered my efforts -- was this girl secretly on the wrestling team?

     As if that weren't enough, she began to make the most....  Well,
she began making noises.  Interesting ones, and her breath was on my
neck, so I was rapidly becoming distracted.

     Only the slam -- and subsequent locking -- of the club door gives
me the presence of mind to heroically pull one arm free, finding the
edge of a table overhead and levering myself upright.  Beneath me, her
face flushed, panting like the heroine of an ero manga--  So I hear--
was the face of a smaller girl in our year, her glasses slightly out
of position, her hair just long enough to hang past her shoulders in a
light purple curtain.

     Her lips were a space apart, as though prepared for a kiss, and
her eyes shimmered with unspoken emotion as another of those tiny
noises escaped her, and her eyebrows rose, giving her the most eerily
hopeful and expectant expression.

     I somehow found the strength to look away and stand mostly
upright before offering her a hand up, Suzumiya still chortling at our
side.  "S...sorry," I managed, bowing deeply.

     "I....   It's okay," the girl says shyly, her expression
amazingly cute.  "Yuki-chan doesn't mind ... though ... i...if
Yuki-chan is somehow no longer good for marriage, will this nii-sama
take care of Yuki-chan?"

     I realize this is a refrain that I feel I've already overused,
but it is slowly becoming my lifeline to sanity, to remind myself just
how mad life is around Suzumiya:

     What the hell just happened?

     "Of course he will, my darling little Moegato~!" Suzumiya answers
for me.  "By the way, we're a package deal.  And trust me, you won't
find any random busty time-traveler nearly as cute or moe as her!"

     "I'm so happy!" the little meganekko cried, reaching forward to
take my hand before she tripped, sprawling headlong into an unexpected
embrace with me.  "O...oops!"  Well, unexpected on my part, anyway....

     I....  What?  I spoke too soon--  It's quite obviously still happening!

     "You may not think so, but the glasses will grow on you.  Anyway,
she'll fall down and knock herself out, or get an attack of anemia if
we don't join her club and watch out for her!" Suzumiya exclaimed,
reaching town and tugging the ribbon from the smaller girl's hair.  It
takes her only a few seconds to smoothly gather all of loose hairs up
into a short, near ponytail.  "Now, my little Moegato, let's
double-team him!"

     "Hang on!" I protested, as there was a sudden knock at the door.

     We all froze for a moment, and Suzumiya frowned, looking annoyed.
 Shaking her head, she rose and marched to the door, unlocking it and
wrenching it open, looking completely unimpressed to see the boy
standing on the other side -- an unfamiliar figure to me, with fair
hair and an annoying pretty-boy complexion with what I immediately
took to be a plastic smile.

     "Oh," Suzumiya said, nodding before the boy could speak.  "New
transfer student, right?  Joining the first day of classes after
opening ceremonies?"

     "Yes, that's me!" he agreed.  "Ah, I was hoping--"

     "Yeah, I overheard in the office there was an error with your
paperwork," she overrode him.  "Somehow, they accidentally transfered
you to Kouyouen."

     "I--"  He blinked, his smile stationary, as the hope in his eyes
was overtaken by total confusion.  "What?  But--  That's an all-girl's
school!"

     "Koizumi-kun!" a teacher called, running in from the hallway,
huffing for breath and holding a clothes hanger with a girl's uniform
on it.  "Koizumi-kun!" she repeated, before pausing to gasp a few
times.  "So sorry!  There's been a horribly confusing error, and
you're simply going to have to attend another school for a week before
we'll be able to sort the paperwork out!"

     "I....  But, that's an all-girl's school!" Koizumi protested,
shaking his head.  "I can't--"

     "Well, due to obscure laws I can't recall specifically, but am
positive are real, I'm afraid you'll have to," the teacher apologized.

     "Mm, well, anyway," Suzumiya decides, as the boy stares at his
new girl's school uniform in utter confusion, "I'll help get this
straightened out -- my little Moegato, I want you and my Kyon to get
along with one-another now~!"

     And with that, she stepped into the hallway and slammed the door
behind her.

     I caught one last iteration of, "But, that's an all-girl's school!"

     Almost immediately, I heard Suzumiya reply, "Suck it up, you
wuss!"  A moment later, in a softer tone, she added, "Don't worry,
Sensei, I'll help you get him properly dressed before we send him
off."

     "Um," I manage, staring at the door, then turning to the girl
that's still clinging to me, staring up at me with shining eyes.  "I,
uh....  S...should we have proper introductions?"

     "Yuki-chan is called Nagato Yuki, Nii-sama!" she chirped in a
sweet, warbling voice, rich in tonality.

     I am unable to deny that having a cute girl clinging to you and
calling you such a name in such way is ... a pleasant feeling.  Not
being related by blood made it much better than I would previously
have expected, I confess.

     I gave her my name, but in response, she just blushed and
reiterated, "Nii-sama is Nii-sama to Yuki-chan ... is that okay?"

     Um ... I suppose so, Nagato....

     "Mou~!  Yuki-chan is _Yuki-chan_, Nii-sama!" she protested,
breaking away and stamping one foot angrily, almost unbalancing
herself as she did so, one hand going to my arm to support herself
before she blushed again.

     ...very well, Yuki-chan.

     "Yay!" she cheered, jumping up and down before -- of course --
tripping, sprawling straight into me.

     Did she practice?

     "Heeheee~!" she giggled.  "Haru-nee-sama taught Yuki-chan!"  She
shook her head, beaming me an unreasonably cute smile before moving
over to where an electric teakettle was already resting.  "Would
Nii-sama like some tea?"

     ...why not?

     I took a seat at the table and looked around.  It seemed to be a
very normal literature club room, except for the electric kettle, and
the presence of a small refrigerator....  Left over from last year,
I'd have to guess.  Who really knows?

     There were some bookshelves filled with books, the table I was
sitting at, and a trio of chairs.  That was it, really.

     "So," I asked, trying to fill the silence, "how did you and Suzumiya meet?"

     "Yuki-chan met Haru-nee-sama ... um ... the first day Yuki-chan
moved into her new apartment!" she answered brightly.  "Tanabata,
three years ago!"

     I have _no idea_ why Tanabata could have been considered an
important date.  Except, I suppose, it was the only holiday that
technically occurred on that date.

     "So ... you met her at a festival?"

     "Nope!  Haru-nee-sama came into Yuki-chan's apartment and said we
were friends!  And she helped Yuki-chan get away from the people who
used to be in charge of Yuki-chan, because they were jerks!"

     ...where to even begin with that....

     "She came into your apartment?" I wondered.  "You left your door unlocked?"

     "Nope!  Haru-nee-sama just came in--"

     The door exploded open with a fierce kick from Suzumiya, letting
her slip through before it rebounded and slammed itself shut,
miraculously undamaged.  "Oh, man," she said, shaking her head, her
hands in fists on her hips as she grinned.  "The you tube video of
that guy in a Kouyouen uniform is going to get _so many_ hits!"

     "--like that!" Yuki-chan concluded.  "Hooray!  Haru-nee-sama!"

     "That's right!" Suzumiya cheered in response.  "Anyway, Kyon, we
should probably let Moegato get us properly signed up in her club --
if we don't help her out, then her club could be shut down for
insufficient members -- or she could be edged out of her room and
comfort zone by a raging tsundere with boundary issues!"

     ...I can't tell where that came from, or honestly imagine
Suzumiya allowing that.

     "Aw, thanks!" she chirps.  "But I told you, to you, I'm
_Haruhi_," she reminded me.  "Or maybe 'Kyon's girl'."

     ***

     After that we settled into a relatively calmer pattern of doing
our homework, and then club activities.  Thankfully, though she was
liable to start her game up again at a moment's notice, she seemed
somewhat deterred -- or at least distracted -- by Yuki-chan's
presence.  And it was actually quite fun, spending our time chatting
about books and video games.

     Yuki-chan wasn't nearly as skilled as Suzumiya or I, but was
surprisingly much better versed, and familiar with more games.  After
a full week of club attendance, enjoying Yuki-chan's tea, amazed at
how dojiko a girl can be in real life, I'd started to really enjoy the
club.  It was probably a small miracle Yuki-chan managed not to trip
and spill anything anywhere but the floor.

     "We should get together this weekend!" Suzumiya declared, as we
left the club room, and Yuki-chan took her customary few minutes to
fumble at the door before managing to lock it.  "We can hang out,
order a pizza, and watch some anime in a marathon!"

     That doesn't sound too bad....

     "We'll have it at Moegato's place!" she added.

     "Tomorrow?" I wondered.

     "Yeah!" Suzumiya agreed.  "Oh, it's going to be an overnight,
though, so bring your things!"

     "Please, please, come along, Nii-sama!" Yuki-chan begged, tugging
on one of my arms, her eyes glittering with emotion.  "Yuki-chan
doesn't have any family to stay with her....

     What, really?  Well....  A brilliant scheme to bring my sister
along, uninvited, hatched in the back of my mind.

     Sure, why not?

     "Okay!  In that case, I'm going to go help Moegato clean up for
tomorrow!" Suzumiya decided.  "We'll pick you up at your place then --
take care, my sexy little Kyon!"

     ...I didn't understand what compelled her to speak to me so.

     After the pair of them were gone, I sighed, stepping outside of
the school building.  "Why are you hiding there?" I heard someone cry,
before the sound of cloth tearing.  "Oh, no!  How embarrassing, nyoro!
 Quick, put this on!" followed by the most uproarious laughter I've
ever heard.

     "Look out!" someone else called, before I heard the sound of a
moist splash.

     Compelled by my curiosity, I rounded the edge of the school
building, finding a pair of female upperclassmen.  The laughing one
was a pretty girl with very long hair, who managed to hold her
camera-phone up perfectly steady despite how vigorously her laughter
was making her shake.

     The other was a poor girl that evidently tore her uniform
practically to shreds in a bush right at the corner of the
club-building, and wrapped up in an extremely unflattering old coat
before someone accidentally splashed her with a full bottle of ink.
Her features were hard to make out through the ink, but her eyes
looked bewildered, more than anything else.  I think her hair might
have been brown, but most of it was black at the time, dripping
thickly onto her unflattering over-sized man's coat.

     "It's a good thing I was carrying that coat for the drama club
supplies!" the green-haired girl chortled.  "Haha!  Mikuru-chan, what
were you even doing crawling around, peeking underneath that bush,
nyoro?"

     "I--  This," the mysterious ink-covered 'Mikuru' whimpers before
subsiding into sobs.

     The green-haired girl cackled again, before putting her phone in
her pocket.  "Let's get you cleaned up!" she cheered.  "Don't worry, I
edited out the parts where your face could be seen before I put it on
you tube!"

     "Sorry!" someone called from inside the building.  "It slipped
from my hands, honest!"

     Wailing, the ink-stained upperclassman allows herself to be led
away by her chortling friend.

     I was working on a catchphrase, at some point.  I was leaning
towards 'good grief', or 'oh, brother'.  Maybe even something classic,
like, 'yare, yare'.  For the moment, I had relied on my standby, the
stalwart combination of words that had stood me in good stead for so
long:

     What the hell just happened?

     ***

     I would like to set aside this space to explain to the world how
dear my sister is to me.  Oh, we'd drifted apart through the years,
but her newly discovered protective influence is more precious to me
than oxygen.

     I have no doubts what would have happened to me at Yuki-chan's
place did I not bring a guard-sibling along with me to deter
Suzumiya's quest to steal my pants.

     But my little sister was there, so it thankfully did not happen.

     Though, there were some close calls....

     ...admittedly, it was a very nice weekend.  The details will
simply have to remain in your imagination for the time being.

     ***

     The following Monday, we returned to class, to a day I was slowly
starting to set myself in the mindset of being 'the one day I will
have to do homework' a week.  I didn't really see that coming, but it
didn't seem too bad....

     So we sat down at the table and worked on our homework,
interrupted by a knock at the door not long a fter we began.

     "Hello," the pale-haired pretty-boy from the previous week said,
grinning.  "I--"

     "Yeah, heard they screwed up your paperwork again," Suzumiya
remarked, cutting him off.  "Looks like you're going to Hikami Gakuen,
the delinquent capital of our city.  Oh, hey!  I wonder how many
uniforms we're going to see you in before the end of the year?  I'm
going to make a catalog!"  She whipped out her cell phone and grinned
expectantly.

     "That's," he started, his expression slipping slightly, allowing
the tiniest hints of dismay through.  "W...we checked the paperwork
quite thoroughly...."

     "Koizumi-kun!" a familiar teacher huffed, running into view.

     Wasn't this the textbook definition of a running gag?  Did things
like this actually happen in real life?

     For reasons I can't really quite explain, it was somewhat amusing
to watch that poor boy get handed another uniform -- male, at least,
this time -- and herded away.  Suzumiya ran off with him to get her
pictures, and returned less than ten minutes later, looking amused and
pleased with herself.

     "Don't feel too bad for that guy," she encouraged me, before I
could wonder aloud.  "When the stress gets to him and he drops out to
go into veterinary college, it'll be the best decision of his life!
It seems harsh, but the twin-tailed girl of his dreams is waiting
there -- and will like him a lot more if he's friendly to dogs!"

     Suzumiya had an odd amount of confidence to be saying such things....

     "Feminine intuition and boundless optimism," she said
dismissively, slamming and locking the door.  "Playtime~!"

     "Yay~!  I'll help!" Yuki-chan cried, stumbling into me and
wrapping her arms around my torso as our attacker loomed overhead,
grinning wickedly.

     I'm not sure that's helping!

     "She didn't say she was helping _you_," Suzumiya remarks.

     ***

     Through trials man was not meant to know, I miraculously
preserved my virtue, somehow.

     Some days later, after Suzumiya advertised to the class that I
was still resisting (thanks, Taniguchi, for polling her once a week),
I had a strange encounter.  Typically, Suzumiya would attach herself
to my arm the moment class ended, and drag/lead me to the clubroom.
Today, she evidently had a surprise and ran ahead, pausing only to
blow me a kiss and remind Asakura that I was still off-limits.

     Not that Asakura seemed to care, at that point, since her
universe had collapsed to a point just past Yamane.  For him, it's
difficult to say his universe extended beyond her in the first place.
The pair of them make eyes at one-another all day, and he constantly
takes pictures of her while the pair of them discuss cameras,
composition, lighting....

     It says very bad things about me that I am coming to simply
expect such things.  It also worried me that it seemed to suggest that
Suzumiya's observations were right more often than not.  In some ways,
it was strangely frustrating, too.

     While I was alone, thinking such things, I heard a whisper from
the open door of a classroom I was passing.  "Kyon!" someone hissed.
"In he--"

     Whatever else was about to be said was cut off with the
solid-sounding impact of something against the floor, and a huge,
billowing cloud of white dust.  I stepped back from the doorway that
disgorged the obscuring dust, realizing that this was the home EC
class, and most logically, a bag of flower was dropped.

     "Is everyone okay in there?" I asked worriedly, peering into the white fog.

     "I'm fine," the same voice coughs, a figure stepping from the
cloud and rasping, difficult to make out beneath the caked-on white
powder that seems to have been poured straight on her head.  Her hair
is uniformly powdered, even her eyebrows and eyelashes, her outfit and
skin almost indistinguishable....  It's impossible to place her age,
and most of her figure is a mystery.

     "Uuee," she moaned, "I'm all messy now!"

     A protective group of my classmates -- three girls -- promptly
broke from the other students watching this spectacle, circling the
woman and leading her away.  "Come on, Sensei," one of them insisted,
"let's get you cleaned up properly!"

     "B...but--  I--"

     "Really, we have to at least make sure your eyes are cleaned
properly," another added, taking her flour-coated wrist and leading
her down the hall.

     "You've done plenty of work today, Sensei, let your students help
you our in return!" the third completed, propelling the resisting
teacher from behind, even as the second pulled.

     ...that actually made a small degree of sense, except for the
part about wanting to talk to me.

     Probably, still not worth worrying about.

     When I get to the clubroom, Suzumiya and Yuki-chan are both
happily going through the small pile of notes we had collected on what
we've read over the year.  "Okay!" Suzumiya cheers on seeing me.
"Moegato has a project for our club~!"

     While Yuki-chan plays along without hesitation, she's not quite
as eager to take the initiative, so-to-speak, so hoping that this is
harmless, and not a mad dash to steal my pants, I nod and take my
seat.  "What's the project?" I wonder.

     "This is the part where you actually earn the two hot chicks that
are throwing themselves at you," she explained.  "We're going to give
you the outline for a story, and you'll make a brilliant novelization!
 I'll be your thematic editor, and Yuki-chan will be your technical
editor!"

     ...but a whole novel?  This did make _some_ sense, as this was a
literature club, but isn't it strange to put so much burden on me,
suddenly?

     "What are you talking about?" Suzumiya wondered.  "You've been
able to slack off the entire time so far!  Let's put your awesome to
use and start writing!  The first one will be a light novel, anyway,
since more might be really hard."  She nodded at that, handing me a
scrap of paper.

     "Nii-sama, Yuki-chan believes in you!" Yuki-chan cheered.  "Give
it your best!"

     And ... well ... it wasn't like I didn't have a good deal of free
time already, thanks to Suzumiya's amazing studying.  Plus, this could
give me something to use as an excuse to fend off her more active
assaults.

     "Books are adventures!" she said, nodding eagerly.

     "That's right!" Suzumiya agreed.  "You should really be a
writer--  If the real world is safe and boring, make a more dangerous
exciting one ... in a safe way!  All of the reward, none of the risk
-- writing is the ultimate career.  How can you ever get bored?  Just
switch genres to whatever sounds more exciting!"

     I couldn't think of a good counter argument, and honestly ... it
sounded more appealing than any of my own career ideas.  Why not give
it a shot?  In a worst case scenario, I'd determine it was a bad idea
for me before I even got into college.

     Sure, Suzumiya, this actually sounds like fun.

     "Epic!  Except, I'm 'Haruhi' to you," she scolds me with an eager
grin.  "Or maybe 'hot editor number one'!"

     ***

     Spending most of the weekend with my head buzzing with ideas for
the story that Suzumiya and Yuki-chan want me to write -- a strange
take on a boy who meets a girl with the powers to shape reality....
Well, I think they're angling for romance, though I can't help but
think that given Suzumiya's approach to that, I'd be best off toning
that aspect down ... a lot.

     An awful lot.

     Still, it was an interesting weekend, and the idea grew on me.
By the time we reached the clubroom after school, I was back in a mood
to be annoyed about my homework, I was so eager to begin.

     Then again, it was Monday, so pretty much exactly as I expected,
there was a knock on the door.

     "Hello, I--"

     "Transfer paperwork came in this morning," Haruhi answered
Koizumi apologetically.

     "No," he said with a confident shake of his head, "we were _very_
careful to make sure not to send me to the wrong school in our
district, this time."

     "Well, 'Brooklyn' is an entirely different district," she agreed.

     His confident smile shifted to raw confusion.  Even I had to
wonder how this happened.

     "Evidently they misfiled your paperwork so badly the _first_ time
it's just only now gotten through the overseas transfer student
process," she explained, shrugging.  "Crazy, huh?  Too bad that school
doesn't have a uniform -- totally destroyed my idea of a uniform
catalog."

     "...um," he managed.

     "Koizumi-kun!" a familiar teacher called, as Suzumiya closed the
door again.

     "So!" she cheered, how's your homework going, my little Moegato?"

     "Yay!  Nii-sama's grammar is the best!" Yuki-chan returned.
"Nii-sama won't need Yuki-chan to edit his writing at all~!"

     ...I must admit it's somewhat nice to hear that.

     ***

     Some days later, when my first chapter is complete, Suzumiya and
I trade notes on what I've written so far.  "I think the heroine's
likable attributes aren't really visible yet," she mused.  "She seems
kind of bitchy, mostly.  Then again, I get the sense you're going to
make her grow over the course of the story.  She's certainly got a lot
of energy -- I like that part, though!"

     "I can't give it all away in the first chapter," I agreed.  "Did
I overdo it?  I wanted her to be kind of like you, um ... but needing
further to go before she was as friendly as you...."  Well, _that_
might have been overdoing it, in retrospect, but in the balance ...
Suzumiya is probably one of the most interesting characters I've ever
met, and is exceedingly likable, outside of her unsettling fixation on
getting into my pants.

     "Mm, I don't want to bias you too much," she said with a huge
grin, fanning her face.  "I do like it, though; it's got that very
familiar feeling of a really _epic_ story!  Like it resonates, you
know?"

     Writing by hand is a bit of a pain, though.

     "We'll just use the proceeds from your first light-novel to buy a
laptop," she suggested.

     "Yuki-chan thinks it will make more than enough!" the meganekko
agreed, before tripping into the pair of us.

     We paused in the entry way with the shoe-lockers as we looked outside.

     "Oooh," Yuki-chan moaned, looking at the sudden storm that's
blown in, flooding the streets around us and providing the sounds of
distant thunder.  "Nii-sama, Haru-nee-sama," she whimpered, "Yuki-chan
forgot an umbrella!"

     "No worries!" Haruhi cheers, pointing to a poor blubbering
upperclassman that tripped in a mud-puddle not far outside of the
doors, being helped to her feet by a familiar laughing green-haired
figure.  "We'll just stick together and share!  We'll have to be close
to stay dry, but Kyon's hot enough to keep us warm the entire walk
back to your place!"

     I nod, unable to pick any real features out of the mud-coated girl.

     "It's lucky for her she's got a close friend to take care of
her," Haruhi remarked, suddenly, unfolding her umbrella and
practically attaching herself to my side.  "Well, let's go~!"

     "We're all going to Yuki-chan's?" I wondered.

     "My parents are nosy, your sister's nosy, and her place is the
only one that has a bath big enough to fit all three of us
comfortably."

     Oh, well, that makes a certain--

     I cut off and realized that a great deal of students are crowded
into the vestibule around us, presumably waiting for parents or others
to provide rides and avoid the rain.  All of them seemed interested
but ... no longer really surprised by Suzumiya's remarks.

     Then again, I'm not either.

     ***

     My narrow escapes had been getting narrower as I focused on the
first light novel.  I admit, this is more because I was putting less
effort into evasion, not because Haruhi or Yuki-chan were putting more
effort into capture.

     But I digress.

     We enjoyed several quiet weeks before I finally finished, turning
it over to Suzumiya for the first official edit.

     This took about a week, during which time I enjoyed full access
to her video game library with Yuki-chan, which was actually quite a
reward.  While I had gone to pains to point out that I wasn't an otaku
('lying', according to Haruhi), her collection would put all but the
most hardcore to shame.

     The only larger collection I'd seen in person belonged to Yuki-chan.

     After that, two weeks revising it and discussing her points
before we found something we agreed we liked, and then it was handed
over to Yuki-chan, who somehow went through the entire thing in just
one day.  She found five grammar errors, and I admit I was both
impressed and embarrassed.

     Then Haruhi took the bundled paperwork and suggested that we
focus on the end-of-term tests, since those were coming up soon.

     Many people wouldn't bother ramping up their study schedules
quite as early as we had, not without going to a proper cram-school
instead, at least.  Still, Haruhi insisted we had to stay sharp, and
with her help it was so easy I would have to have been an idiot to
refuse it.

     That was also the next time we had an encounter with the
enigmatic Koizumi.  I had determined at this point he was just an odd
character -- the kind of which you find more of as you go through
life.  Haruhi herself was pretty energetic in a crazy way.  Yuki-chan
was almost unrealistically cute.  There was that girl (and that
teacher, come to think of it) that both seemed to have a habit of
getting themselves covered with messy things....  That green-haired
girl with the laugh....

     Those kinds of characters were starting to inspire me to write
more, though.

     A familiar knock at the door sounded, heralding his arrival, and
Suzumiya went to open it nonchalantly.

     Arrayed behind the fair-haired pretty-boy, though his smile had
weakened, were the principal, the same teacher who had run up to
Koizumi to notify him of the error, and the school's head guidance
councilor.  "Hello," Koizumi began weakly.

     "Yeah?" Haruhi wondered, glancing across the adults behind the boy.

     "Um ... I'm interested in joining this club -- and don't you need
more members?  You have to have at least five to avoid being shut
down...."

     "What did you need these guys here for, though?"

     "Oh, they're just here to verify that I addend this school," he offered.

     "Koizumi is a wonderful student!" the principal agreed.

     "He's got a bright future!" the teacher chimed in.

     "With an education here, he's going to have wonderful
opportunities!" the guidance counselor finished.

     "Cool -- postal service accidentally delivered this for you to my
house by mistake," Haruhi answered, pulling a thick envelope from her
blouse.  "Looks like you were offered a scholarship at some other
place in America!  Some guy named Professor Xavier thinks you're a
gifted youngster, or something?"

     The principal blinked.  The teacher cocked his head to one side.
The guidance counselor, however, emitted a piercing squeal before
rounding on Koizumi as though herded by the flames of Hades, snatching
the envelope from Haruhi's fingers.  "Drop out of our school!  We can
offer you _nothing_!  You _waste your life_ in such a menial
institution!  If Xavier calls, _you must go_!"

     The teacher agrees, and between the two of them they seize the
boy and drag him away.

     "But--  But--" Koizumi weakly protests, before he vanishes from view.

     Somehow, I'm just not surprised anymore.

     The principal adjusts his tie, ducking his head slightly.
"Still," he warned, "we do need to see that you find two more members,
and show some proof that you're doing literary club exercises."

     "No problem, Sakanaka and Kunikida will join tomorrow," Haruhi
replied.  "And Kyon-kun's first light novel hits the shelves next week
-- it's already at five-hundred thousand pre-sales.  If that's not
good enough, then we'll just find a more easygoing club."

     The principal nodded at that, somewhat taken aback.  "That ...
should take care of everything then," he reluctantly agreed, before
leaving.

     I laughed softly at that.  A successful novelist before college?

     "I guess that practically obligates you for a language major,
huh?" Haruhi wonders.

     "Nii-sama is the best~!" Yuki-chan agrees.

     Ah, but I didn't believe for a minute that Haruhi had really published it.

     "Oh, yeah, I forgot to give you your cut of the royalties!" she
remarked, producing another envelope, and handing me something I took
a very long time to believe was real.

     ...I had enough presence of mind to wonder if my book was
properly dedicated.

     "What's 'properly' mean?"

     It did seem, somehow, that I should thank Haruhi for coming into
my life as she has....  And Yuki-chan, too for her help--

     "No problem!" she cheers.  "The dedication reads 'to my two best
editors'.  I wanted 'sexiest', but they insisted that 'best' would be
better.  How's that work?"

     Perfect, actually.

     "Cool!  By the way, you can thank me by....  Well, you'll see.
Just so you know, I don't plan on getting pregnant until we're almost
done with college, but our first baby will be a girl named Sasaki --
I'm positive you can raise her right!"

     I had learned not to even bother trying to understand what that
meant, just offering a smile and a nod.

     She's still crazy.

     But I haven't yet seen her to be wrong.
     -------------------------------------------
     Author's notes:  My humor writing is still weak, so here's
another shot at it.  As stated before, wholly inspired by where I
thought Mr. Cobb was going with Pillars initially.  Hope you enjoyed!

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.