[FFML] [Fanfic][Pokemon][Dark] Stray

[Henry Cobb]

On Thu, Jul 28, 2011 at 12:27 PM, Nexas Ttereve
<orion_the_absol at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Prologue
> =======================
> From what I had seen, something sinister
> should befall the world...

Should implies that the speaker wants this to happen. Would would
imply that while the result was predictable, it was also regrettable.

> And there I was, a world cleared of the presence of humans but torn
> apart by the madness of the local Pokemon;

But is not parallel here. Cleared of the something of humanity but
never the less torn apart by the madness of Pokemon would be parallel.
Also world and local mismatch. A small group of local Pokemon are
causing world-wide distress?

The narrator seems poorly defined. Perhaps rewrite showing her actions
locally and then her extrapolation to a world-wide crisis?

-HJC