[FFML] [SHnY] The Pillar of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Henry Cobb]

On Fri, Jul 29, 2011 at 7:45 AM, Chaeotica <chaeotica at gmail.com> wrote:
> Doesn't Kyon usually use last names?  Also, when he met them before, why
> wasn't he introduced to them then?  It makes more sense to do introductions
> then than it does in the point where he is.

Haruhi is mysteriously "jet lagged" on the first day. I'll rewrite to
have Kyon even more bewildered at this, and show Haruhi dragging or
struggling more.

>>Who were these two girls that Haruhi was so suddenly on a first name basis
>>with?
> How would Kyon know that it's sudden?  After all, Haruhi came from a
> different middle school than he did, so maybe they knew each other from
> there.  And Kyon has only known Haruhi for, what, a few weeks at this
> point?  They're not really even close acquaintances at this point, just
> classmates who sit next to each other, so how would he know what is sudden
> regarding her?

I'll just have him more insulted at the lack of introductions.

> - Why is Kyon using given names in narration all the time?  That seems
> awfully forward for a guy who's only casually acquainted with any of these
> people.

He's a bit less formal in his own head that with other people. If I'm
just reflecting Japanese into English it would be "Miss Nagato" spoken
and just Nagato when he's thinking.

> - I'm not entirely sure what the premise of the story is yet, but it seems
> promising.  It does need a rewrite and a beta, though.

It's a fusion with another series. In that other series an ordinary
girl travels to a strange world with two other random girls from Earth
whom she befriends. The conflict here is that Haruhi has dragged the
prize home. That's not a good thing.

> I hope you don't take this too harshly.  As I said, this does look to be
> interesting, but there were so many problems that I wasn't able to really
> get into the narrative.  Overall, this feels like a very rough first draft.
>
> Keep writing!
> ~Chaeotica

That's usually the case with me, and your comments are most helpful.

-HJC