[FFML] [SHnY] The Pillar of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Chaeotica]

Alright.  A couple things jumped out at me on my first read-through, so here
we go!

Part 1:
>Class was just starting so I had to wait
'starting so' --> 'starting, so'
Commas before conjunctions.

>"Yeah, how did you?"
Is Kyon trailing off here? If so, I suggest 'Yeah. How did you...?'
Otherwise, this sentence feels unnaturally truncated (to me, at least), so
you may want to add "do that".

>"How does that matter to me?"
Suggest "What" or "Why".  "How" sounds a bit... off.

>I guess I must of hit a nerve so I left her alone for the rest of the day.
'must of' --> 'must have'
That one's a bit of a pet peeve for me.

>"Hi Haruhi. Finally ..."
'Hi Haruhi.' --> 'Hi, Haruhi.'
Commas before the name or other indicator of the person being spoken to.

>Haruhi looked up at me and from the look
'me and from' --> Either 'me, and from' or 'me. From'

>"Of course." The other girl replied.
'"Of course." The' --> '"Of course," the'

>"... Just sign up tomorrow please."
'tomorrow please' --> 'tomorrow, please'

>The next morning after I put my bag on the hook, I turned back to
'morning after' --> 'morning, after'
The phrase 'after I put my bag on the hook' looks like an appositive to me,
so it needs to be offset.

>"Apparently you're the only one who did notice. So I'll just leave it this
way, to not draw attention."
Awkward phrasing.  I suggest: "Apparently, you're the only one who noticed.
I'll..." or "...who noticed, so I'll"

>If anybody does ask I'll
'does ask I'll' --> Either 'asks, I'll' or 'does ask, I'll'.  It depends on
whether you want to use the 'does' as emphasis.

>I turned back forwards as the teacher entered for first period.
The phrase 'back forwards' is very awkward.  I suggest rephrasing this.

>I remembered seeing Mikuru with the... And I think I recalled seeing
Yuki...
Doesn't Kyon usually use last names?  Also, when he met them before, why
wasn't he introduced to them then?  It makes more sense to do introductions
then than it does in the point where he is.

>Who were these two girls that Haruhi was so suddenly on a first name basis
>with?
How would Kyon know that it's sudden?  After all, Haruhi came from a
different middle school than he did, so maybe they knew each other from
there.  And Kyon has only known Haruhi for, what, a few weeks at this
point?  They're not really even close acquaintances at this point, just
classmates who sit next to each other, so how would he know what is sudden
regarding her?

>We had a reseating lottery and I got the second window...
'lottery and I' --> 'lottery, and I' or 'lottery; I'
It looks like a compound sentence.  Also, this paragraph doesn't fit in with
the last one.

>After classes Yuki came by the classroom with Mikuru following and led us
>all to the old building, where club activities were held.
'After classes, Yuki and Mikuru came by the classroom and led us to the...'

Alright, there's a lot more that I could be pointing out, but I'm already
starting to go into more detail than I intended at first.  I might go back
through later and point out other problems, but for now:
- The story is a bit clunky and disjointed.  I suggest another read-through
to help you find the places where it doesn't flow.  The story may need to be
completely restructured.
- Lots and lots of missing commas and other punctuation.
- Why is Kyon using given names in narration all the time?  That seems
awfully forward for a guy who's only casually acquainted with any of these
people.
- I'm not entirely sure what the premise of the story is yet, but it seems
promising.  It does need a rewrite and a beta, though.

I hope you don't take this too harshly.  As I said, this does look to be
interesting, but there were so many problems that I wasn't able to really
get into the narrative.  Overall, this feels like a very rough first draft.

Keep writing!
~Chaeotica
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