[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Prologue

[Michael Clark]

> Ah, sorry, in retrospect.  Didn't mean to be quite so harsh....  But,
> still, Haruhi is a difficult character to capture.
>
> I've certainly never posted any my attempts to write from her PoV, and
> I think your second take at it does a much better job.

You weren't harsh at all.  The criticism given pushed me to look more
closely at her character and pay more attention to the little details
that I thought (incorrectly) I had a good idea of.  The story is without
a doubt better for it.

Though I will say your timing here leaves something to be desired, if
only because I waited before posting chapter one elsewhere, then posted
it, then this is in my mailbox. :P  I jest, of course.  This is really
quite helpful to me.

> That may have been me being picky.  In your second take on her, I
> think you may have portrayed her as more Kyon-like than you intended,
> but it's still a workable characterization.  I would expect more focus
> (but then, also being more easily distracted), and less of the
> rambling from Kyon's narrative.
>
> Not to say that your portrayal isn't good, because ... well, we never
> really _do_ know how Haruhi's mind works, do we?  Your guess may be
> better than mine, in the end. :)
>
> But I find this Haruhi much more likeable. >_>;

I felt this way too, and while I could justify it in the sense of them
being kindred spirits or, eheh, being opposite sides of the same coin,
I'll admit that Haruhi feels a touch too serious to me, even in this
draft.  It's going to need further thought, that's for sure.

> Repetition in the first two sentences of 'watching'.  Maybe change the
> first to 'observing'?

Yeah, watching and watching is a bit silly there, isn't it.

> > "Um, _sempai_..."  The first girl bent at her knees, fingering the
> > rim of the silver, hollow coin.  "Did you drop this?" she asked.
>
> Should that be capitalized when used in place of a proper name?

It seems I've been doing this particular thing (capitalization of titles
when used in place of a name) wrong for longer than I care to admit.

>
> > "Thank you so much!" said the first girl, bowing.  "We won't forget
> > this, will we, Yuka?"
> >
> > "Of course," said the second.  "Thank you!"
>
> Does Sayuri mean, 'of course not'?

Probably.  I see what you did there.

> > "I mean, why do you need my money?"  He pointed to the seven-segment
> > display on the machine.  "Looks like you're fine to me."
> >
> > 150.
>
> Previously, you'd spelled out all numbers, I thought.

This is the number on the segmented display.  Perhaps it'd be more clear
as "One-five-zero"?  Hm, I'm not sure I'm happy with that, either.  I
could just go on further on how that's what the digits read.

> Hmm....  I thought she mentioned to Kyon at one point that her trick
> for getting through classes was by focusing on it to the point where
> nothing else existed, so the time would pass faster.  And Kyon
> mentioning that he couldn't pull it off.  Now I have to look that
> up....
>
> Meh, all I can find at the moment is a reference in book 8 that she's
> annoyed Kyon doesn't pay as much attention as class in her (and an
> offer to help him study).
>

I actually reread that (it's partway through book 7) just after sending
this to the list.  The version on FFN already has this paragraph
restructured appropriately.

> > "Then you can tell me the limit of the sequence on the board?"
> >
> > I squinted.  _2, 9/4, 64/27..._
> >
> > "Euler's number," I said.
> >
> > There was a gasp in the classroom.  Kyon turned all the way around
> > in his seat.
>
> Why are the students shocked at someone answering a question the
> teacher put on the board?  Is it unusual for students to be able to
> answer their example questions?  Is the teacher asking something they
> shouldn't know the answer to?
>
> Maybe it's just been too many years since I've been in school.  I
> think that I get that you're trying to convey that Haruhi's got that
> certain 'genius level obliviousness', but I think it would be better
> if she gave something factual that was just a higher-level answer than
> the teacher expected to get that point across.  Somehow, knowing what
> she's expected to doesn't feel like it warrants the class gasping
> (especially since this is Haruhi, and it hardly tops her introduction
> :p).

I was going for something along the lines of everyone else in the room
having been working on it, working on it, working on it with no clue
where to even begin, and here Haruhi looks at the board and in two
seconds flat solves it and goes back about her business.

That said, a gasp may be overstating the rest of the room's reaction, on
second thought.  Taking off my writer's hat and going into math mode, I
thought it would be better to obscure the limit somewhat.  I don't think
I've ever actually seen it presented the way it's written here, so I
guess one fringe interpretation of the scene is that the teacher is
being intentionally dickish or crafty.  Show kids the formula, and maybe
they'd realize it was in the book all along.

> > Kyon slapped both hands over my mouth, looking over his shoulder.
> > "Be serious, will you?"
>
> Over his shoulder at what?

People who could be staring.  I think I'll expand on that to make it
clear.

> > "Hey, Kyon!" somebody called across the room.  It was one of our
> > classmates.  I'd seen him before.
>
> She used him in her movie.

It was my intent that she used him and promptly forgot his name when
they were done (unlike Taniguchi, since she knew him in middle school).
That said, it would take just one counterexample of Haruhi using
Kunikida's name to spoil that idea.

> > That's fine.  I didn't know what was taking the two of them so long,
> > but we could get started without them.  All we had to do first was a
> > little bit of a supply run...
> >
> >
> > "Um, excuse me!"
>
> Hmm, no scene dividers?

This wouldn't be too hard to fix, though I'd hoped the extra blank line
would be enough.  I'm going to have to do some thinking on this, though.
Would it be an overstatement to say that scene breaks are serious
business?

> Hmmm.  Interesting.
>
> Well, it's set up ... quite nicely, too.  Other than some minor
> quibbles (which, naturally, you are free to dismiss!), it worked.
> Absolutely the overarching structure is solid.  I liked it.
>
> I didn't catch a lot of grammatical errors, but I'm not always the
> sharpest one for that.  Sorry if I was a bit rough last time, and
> thanks for sharing.  This was a lot more fun. :)
>
> -- Brian Randall

Like I said, I appreciate the comments and remarks very much.  Finding
Haruhi has already proved a more challenging task than I'd imagined, and
this is just the first real chapter.  I have a feeling Haruhi's going to
keep surprising me and stay hard to pin down regardless of what headway
I make.

Thanks a lot for your remarks.

-Michael Clark