[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Prologue

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Jul 21, 2011 at 11:38 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> So this is take two. I really tried to take the critiques from earlier
> to heart. It's an embarrassment to me to miss simple details. In large
> thanks to Brian and Henry's feedback, and after doing some reading again
> to get back into a Haruhi state of mind, this is a completely rewritten
> prologue plus the first real chapter. I admit, I'm a little bit more
> gunshy now. I've tried to do more research in little details that I
> might not have thought consequential before. I expect I still will get a
> few things wrong, however. Mostly what I'm concerned with is finding
> Haruhi's voice. These first-person stories in particular are a way for
> me to explore and try to understand the character, and as yet, I'm not
> certain I've found a good angle on her. As Brian so rightly said, Haruhi
> of the later novels is not Haruhi of the earlier stories or her anime
> incarnation, either, but capturing her enthusiasm, bossiness, and warped
> perspective on the one hand while also doing justice to her
> thoughtfulness, genuine concern for her friends, and groundedness on the
> other has proved, at least to me, a challenging task. That is something
> in particular I would be grateful of feedback on.

Ah, sorry, in retrospect.  Didn't mean to be quite so harsh....  But,
still, Haruhi is a difficult character to capture.

I've certainly never posted any my attempts to write from her PoV, and
I think your second take at it does a much better job.

> Lastly, as I said I'm concerned with finding the right way to present
> Haruhi's voice. I certainly didn't want or intend to paint her as an
> utterly unlikable character. It seems clear to me now that I went too
> far in indulging her capacity for ridiculous behavior, but conversely,
> I'm concerned that this version goes too far in the other direction. I
> think, in this version, she is more thoughtful and therefore more human,
> but it also seems to me like this Haruhi may be too dour and largely
> lacking in her characteristic energy.

That may have been me being picky.  In your second take on her, I
think you may have portrayed her as more Kyon-like than you intended,
but it's still a workable characterization.  I would expect more focus
(but then, also being more easily distracted), and less of the
rambling from Kyon's narrative.

Not to say that your portrayal isn't good, because ... well, we never
really _do_ know how Haruhi's mind works, do we?  Your guess may be
better than mine, in the end. :)

But I find this Haruhi much more likeable. >_>;

> I sat at the base of a tree in the center courtyard, watching my
> schoolmates pass by.  A half-dozen or so had formed a queue for the
> vending machines, and I watched them.  They talked about
> things--different things.  What were the chances North would make it to
> Summer Koshien?  When would that voice actress get surgery for her
> cancer, and would it change her voice forever?  Pretty ordinary things,
> if you ask me, but I felt like I understood it.  If you're not looking
> for time-travelers in your midst, chatting about baseball tournaments or
> anime doesn't sound too bad.

Repetition in the first two sentences of 'watching'.  Maybe change the
first to 'observing'?

> But at that moment, I wasn't concerned with distant things like what was
> on television or who scored a ninth-inning run.  The sun was shining on
> me.  Its midday light cast too narrow a shadow to get away from and
> still be in the open.  I was getting thirsty, and I had just enough,
> after buying my lunch, to join the line for drinks and get over it
> before class.

Not sure that last sentence needs commas?  I ... I feel weird
suggesting using less commas.  At least I think it only needs the last
two to offset the parenthetical.

> "You don't have enough?" said her friend.
>
> "It can't be," said the first girl.  "I had a thousand yen in here!"
>
> "You don't think your sister took it?  For her date last night?"
>
> "She wouldn't!"  But the first girl closed the coin purse with a _snap_.
> "She must've.  How much do you have?"

Somehow, using 'first girl' and 'second girl' seems awkward.  Maybe
just 'first' and 'second', after they're introduced?  Not sure; that
could just be me.

> And that was a pity.  See, I had three fifty-yen coins in my hand, and I
> needed them.  I mean, if I happened to flip one of them idly, if it
> happened to fly out of my reach and roll at those first-years' feet,
> well...
>
> Well, you'd think they'd be smart enough to pick it up and not question
> things.

Heh.  She's still gotta be mildly tsundere, I guess ... but this is cute.

> "Um, _sempai_..."  The first girl bent at her knees, fingering the rim
> of the silver, hollow coin.  "Did you drop this?" she asked.

Should that be capitalized when used in place of a proper name?

> "Thank you so much!" said the first girl, bowing.  "We won't forget
> this, will we, Yuka?"
>
> "Of course," said the second.  "Thank you!"

Does Sayuri mean, 'of course not'?

> I said it, didn't I?  I had no hand in it, and even if I did, so what?
> If someone does you a good deed, let them be.  The real, genuine people
> don't need to be thanked for it.  They don't need your gratitude.  If
> they say otherwise, then they're not doing it for you.  They're doing it
> for themselves, and they shouldn't be thanked anyway.  I hate that
> feeling--that something you did, which _should_ be for someone
> else--actually serves you instead.  I've felt that once.  I'll never
> forget it.

Hohoho.  Guilty flashbacks to that festival performance, eh?  I always
wondered about that....

> I stepped aside and punched a sequence of buttons on my phone.  If
> nothing else, I had a batch of three other visionaries, seekers of the
> extraordinary and unusual like I was, and with their unquestioned
> loyalty, they'd answer my call, but they weren't the ones I sent that
> message to.

Last sentence is awkward.  Suggest breaking it either at 'was, and' or
'call, but'.

> "Oi."  He walked up to me, a phone in his hand.  "Is this your idea of a
> summons?"

Does he have an expression?  Demeanor?

> "Don't just tell me you're somewhere 'outside' next time, and I'll find
> you faster," he said.  "And don't start your message with 'I need you'
> and expect not to be misunderstood."
>
> "Misunderstood how?" I asked.

Hmm, I'd really expect her to be the one to change the subject away
from that.  Still, an amusing exchange, if her summons lacks her usual
imperiousness.  Almost like she's trying to flirt with him.

> He scowled but looked away.  "Well?  What is it now?  Energy beings
> hiding in the sun's rays?  Sliders making portals in the walls?"
>
> Why do you even bother coming if you're not going to be serious when you
> get here?
>
> "Because I know the dungeon master who's in charge around here," he
> said, "and she would definitely have smitten me by my next turn if I
> didn't answer."

There are no saving throws.  I do like this last bit, but the first
part seems a bit short for Kyon.

> Why am I thirsty?  Well, I guess it all goes back to when the first
> six-celled organism withered and died because it didn't know it needed
> water, leaving the rest of the evolutionary chain to--

Kyon: Don't steal my shtick.  Seriously, if I'm not even the narrator,
it's all I got!

> "I mean, why do you need my money?"  He pointed to the seven-segment
> display on the machine.  "Looks like you're fine to me."
>
> 150.

Previously, you'd spelled out all numbers, I thought.

> I could've.  You might say I _should've_, but thirst is a temporary
> thing.  It comes from our flawed human bodies, which hold our minds but
> don't command them.  I understood what'd been happening when I held
> those coins between my fingers.  That other person there might tell me
> to ignore it, to let it go and get on with my life like any normal human
> being would.  What could I learn about the world from two round pieces
> of copper and nickel?  Maybe nothing, I could admit, but maybe
> something.

That other person?

I don't really recall Kyon being very dismissive of Kyon's plans until
they involve personal inconvenience to him (or something he perceives
as a real danger).  This seems pretty harmless.

Well, then again, Haruhi might feel otherwise, and this is her perspective.

> Maybe, I thought to myself, it was time to look to the sky again and be
> excited when I saw a dark cloud there.
>
> The boy beside me checked his phone and sighed.  "Well, stay if you
> like, Haruhi," he said.  "I'm not going to be late."

Anyway -- personally, I like this Haruhi a lot more.  Still feels a
little off, but much closer.  And, really, she's so hard to pin
down....

> By the time two o'clock arrived, I was starting to regret my decision.
> I was thirsty--no, I was dying.  I was parched like the plains of
> Antarctica.  Can you believe that?  That Antarctica is drier than any
> other place on Earth?  You wouldn't think so, but I've always believed
> the truth is strange, so I accepted it right away.

Yep.  It is the largest desert in the world.

> I was thirsty, though, and I wasn't going to admit it or duck out of the
> classroom like it was an emergency.  Some people would undoubtedly
> notice, especially if they were called _Kyon_.  I know that's stubborn,
> but I won't apologize for it.  I've always believed that feelings of
> thirst and hunger were just primordial, instinctive weaknesses.  Do you
> know how long people have been on this earth?  Millions of years.  Who
> know when they stopped being dumb animals and started thinking
> intelligently.  The point is this:  people have made huge evolutionary
> strides.  You'd think we'd have had enough time to grow beyond these
> inconvenient things.  We should be glowing white energy beings by now,
> feeding off the light of the sun or something.  Even plants can do that.
> All these instinctive sensations--hunger, arousal, fatigue,
> fear--they're distractions.  They don't do anything useful except keep
> us alive and procreating.

Hmm, veering a bit Sasakiish there.  Haruhi acknowledges that those
things influence her, too.

> We should do more than that.  We should be better than that.

Though, that feels very Haruhi.

> It didn't matter if I went into afternoon classes thirsty or distracted.
> The morning was out of the way.  This was the easy stuff.  The moment of
> inertia is the mass times the square of the distance.  The torque is the
> force times the distance times the sine of the angle between the two.
> Easy.  I think I knew all that in middle school.  That day was no
> different, so I didn't pay attention.  I don't generally have to.  When
> something interesting pops up in class, I'll listen.  All this knowledge
> the teachers throw at us--it can't all be useless.  But that day,
> classes seemed more insipid than usual.  I looked out the window.  I
> slid two reeded-edged coins across my desk, working that hour at lunch
> through my mind.  I'd _misplaced_ that third fifty-yen piece of mine
> that those girls picked up.  I had two left.  They were identical in
> every way.

Hmm....  I thought she mentioned to Kyon at one point that her trick
for getting through classes was by focusing on it to the point where
nothing else existed, so the time would pass faster.  And Kyon
mentioning that he couldn't pull it off.  Now I have to look that
up....

Meh, all I can find at the moment is a reference in book 8 that she's
annoyed Kyon doesn't pay as much attention as class in her (and an
offer to help him study).

> "Then you can tell me the limit of the sequence on the board?"
>
> I squinted.  _2, 9/4, 64/27..._
>
> "Euler's number," I said.
>
> There was a gasp in the classroom.  Kyon turned all the way around in
> his seat.

Why are the students shocked at someone answering a question the
teacher put on the board?  Is it unusual for students to be able to
answer their example questions?  Is the teacher asking something they
shouldn't know the answer to?

Maybe it's just been too many years since I've been in school.  I
think that I get that you're trying to convey that Haruhi's got that
certain 'genius level obliviousness', but I think it would be better
if she gave something factual that was just a higher-level answer than
the teacher expected to get that point across.  Somehow, knowing what
she's expected to doesn't feel like it warrants the class gasping
(especially since this is Haruhi, and it hardly tops her introduction
:p).

> Kyon shook his head, turning back around to face the board.  "Lend me
> some of your casual knowledge," he muttered, "so I can make perfect
> marks without paying attention."
>
> Answer my call a little faster next time, and maybe I'll have a few
> minutes to teach you something.

Shouldn't she shoot him down for not being willing to put in that
aforementioned study-time she offered him?  (For the brigade,
naturally; it wouldn't do to let one of their members look bad to the
administration!)  :p

> "Aren't you a bit too far into Haruhi-land today?"
>
> Packing up his things, Kyon stood in front of his desk, eying me.
>
> "Haruhi Land?" I said.  "You think we should have an SOS Brigade theme
> park?"

Heh.  I guess he would comment if she were lost in her thoughts after
the bell, but 'Haruhi-land' ... well, you need it for the following
jokes to work.  I guess you're going for more of a humorous angle,
based on your earlier notes?

> "We could have a roller coaster!" I said.  "We could make a giant
> Mikuru-chan ride, With the curves and loops going around her huge--"

ride, With -- wide, with (extraneous capitalization)

> Kyon slapped both hands over my mouth, looking over his shoulder.  "Be
> serious, will you?"

Over his shoulder at what?

> "That's what frightens me most," he said.  "All right, forget the theme
> park, at least for today.  What was it that had you goofing off in class
> before now, hm?"
>
> "You're interested?"

I think she'd just run with getting his attention and not question it
-- especially since this doesn't seem to be the setup for a more
extensive joke like last time.

Since it segues into her having surprisingly warm and fuzzy thoughts
about him anyway....

> "It all makes sense," he said, nodding solemnly.  "The Haruhi I know
> would never be so fascinated by some simple mechanical glitch.  It's not
> in her nature.  She's always looking for gremlins from neutron stars or
> something like that.  She'd find something so trivial as a computer chip
> making an error utterly boring.  No, aliens are the only explanation.
> The extraterrestrials have conspired to make my life easier by making an
> exact duplicate of you--that is, of the real Haruhi--and toning down her
> proclivity for bizarre plots and ideas.  I must say, I'm very pleased
> with their work."

This part feels a bit snarkier than usual.

> "Oh, so they programmed you to think you were Haruhi, too?  Well, maybe
> it's for the best.  If you're more normal or more easily fascinated by
> mundane things, perhaps it'll make all our lives easier.  After all,
> with Haruhi's looks and a tweaked mindset, I must say--"

A bit over the line, there, especially unprovoked.

> "Hey, Kyon!" somebody called across the room.  It was one of our
> classmates.  I'd seen him before.

She used him in her movie.

> Still, it wasn't that long ago that Yuki was so sick.  To think, not one
> of her family came to help her at all!  That's not right.  I know Kyon
> thought I should stay out of it unless things looked desperate, and if
> that's what Yuki wants, fine, but someone should teach those people a
> thing or two.  You can't leave a girl like Yuki all by herself all the
> time.  She might just snap when nobody's looking.

Ryouko: It's always the quiet ones.

> For Yuki's sake, I hope we do as much for her as she does for us, but
> she never says.  I guess if she did, she wouldn't be that quiet
> character, would she?  I'm glad she's opened up to Kyon, but even Yuki
> shouldn't get too many ideas.  She can't have Kyon all to herself.  He's
> an important member of the brigade, too.

Cute.

> "Two-ten-jack."  Koizumi-kun dealt two hands:  one for himself and
> another for the empty chair across from him.  The rest of the deck he
> placed in-between, neatly lining up the edges.  "I'd hoped my partner
> would be here by now.  Can I interest you in joining me instead?"

Kyon: I resent being called Koizumi's partner.
Haruhi: It's fine, he's my trusted right-hand man, so he's allowed to
use my favorite things!
Kyon: O_O

> That's our Mikuru-chan.  She's getting better at this--being clumsy when
> it's cute.  It's taken a little time to train her, but I think she
> understands her role here now.  Every organization needs someone like
> her:  an irresistible character whose looks and mannerisms make men (and
> some women) fall over to be near her.  That's not the only reason,
> though.  It's rare that you find someone so fascinated by baseball bats
> or a wooden wheel--by things that are ordinary because we've forgotten
> what's special about them.

...heh.

> "I already saw them; they'll be late and pay the appropriate penalty.
> Yuki's asking Kyon on a date or something."
>
> Koizumi-kun's eyes widened.  He sat up, coughing, and spat out some of
> his tea.

I'll admit it.  This is my favorite part of the entire fic so far.

And not because of my pro Yuki bias, but because Haruhi's response is so mild.

Brilliant.

> "Eh?  A hundred and fifty yen?"  Mikuru-chan picked up the fifty-yen
> piece and looked through its hole.  "The aliens are defrauding us of
> pocket change?"
>
> Why does everyone keep saying that?

It was your idea in the first place, Haruhi.

> "That sounds like fun," said Mikuru-chan.  "I'm very interested in
> seeing scientific methods in practice from this ti--I mean, this area.
> How do we get started?"

I think Mikuru's slips are a bit overstated for over a year of service
to the brigade.  Though, 'era'-'area' is a smoother cover.  Well,
maybe too smooth for Mikuru.

Then again....

> A nun, huh?  That could be fun.  But that wasn't what I was going for.
> Don't worry, Mikuru-chan.  We won't be exposing too much of your body.
> I actually think one of your best outfits is one of the least revealing,
> and for what I have in mind, we have to be at least a little tasteful.
> What a shame that others can't enjoy your body like I do.

Kyon: Because you throw a fit every time I try?
Haruhi: Like I said, it's a real shame!

> "But I can take off my clothes slowly and by myself, too!"
>
> Now where's the fun in that?  Honestly, you should be used to this by
> now.  All right, all right, off with the skirt, off with the blouse.
> Everything must go!

I don't know why Mikuru's stressing she can take her clothes off 'slowly'.

Haruhi: Though if you're offering a striptease....

...nice though that idea is, I think that Mikuru would emphasize she
could do it quickly (since that's what Haruhi would want).  Haruhi,
naturally, would still be able to do it faster.

> That's fine.  I didn't know what was taking the two of them so long, but
> we could get started without them.  All we had to do first was a little
> bit of a supply run...
>
>
> "Um, excuse me!"

Hmm, no scene dividers?

> She nodded slowly and started again.  "Please, help the people of
> Bangladesh!" she cried.  "Their cities are falling to the Earth's core
> from earthquakes!  Their roads are twenty meters underwater!  The fires
> have turned all the trees to ash, and, um, the government has banned
> them from the Facebook, too!  It's a humanitarian crisis, so please,
> help them!"

Heh.

> "And what are you making Asahina-san do?  You leave a not for us to come
> to the usual place, and I find you've got Asahina-san dressed up ringing
> a bell like she's in the Salvation Army?"

not -- note

> Most kids I know welcome the chance for presents again.

Well, yeah, but who said anything about presents?

> I looked back, around the pole.  Some boys eyed Mikuru-chan like a pair
> of hawks.  "Come on, pretty Santa," said one of them.  "Why don't you
> come home with us, and we can unwrap your present?"

'Some'?  A pair, maybe?

> "EH?" said Mikuru-chan, eyes wide.

Maybe exclaimed?

> "Never mind that!"  He looked around.  "Did I say that out loud?"

Heh.  Nice callback(s).

> "Our sincerest apologies," said Koizumi-kun.  "We would very much like
> to see you dismiss the rabble, Suzumiya-san."

Erm ... I would think Koizumi would put himself between Haruhi and
anyone he thought would hurt her (even Kyon).  Not quite encourage her
to charge into them.

> "We aren't going to be 'dismissed' or whatever so easily!" one of the
> boys shot back.  "What are you doing to do to stop us?"

doing -- going

Or maybe, "How do you expect to stop us"?

> Take one more step, and I'll show you.
>
> The first boy balled his fists and stepped.

Stepped ... forward?  To the side?  Backwards?  (That'd be mean.)

\> "Haruhi, Asahina-san, here!"   A hand grasped my elbow and yanked me
> into the clear.  Koizumi-kun too--he covered his nose and mouth with his
> sleeve and guided Mikuru-chan by the shoulders to safety.  There were
> pebbles sprayed out from the ground.  The boy who challenged me, who
> thought he could look at Mikuru-chan, stood at the edge of a man-sized
> sinkhole.

"There were pebbles sprayed out from the ground."

Is this what they call passive voice?  Never did get that part.  Seems
like it scans awkwardly though.

> The first boy backed away.  He rolled his ankle; he landed flat on his
> ass.  With some help from his friend, he limped away.  He put his arm
> over his friend's shoulder, and the other carried him.  Serves him
> right.  He's at least thirty-four thousand, two hundred and seventy-six
> years too early to be thinking about violating Mikuru-chan!

Repetition of 'away' to end those sentences.  Maybe 'off' for the
first instance?

> Mikuru-chan dropped her bell in the bucket, making an unholy noise and
> spilling some of the loose change we'd gathered.  I helped her pick some
> of it up, but that's when I saw them:  Kyon, Yuki, and Koizumi-kun.  At
> the pole we'd been hiding behind, they were talking.  Yuki spoke so
> softly, and Kyon and Koizumi-kun leaned in, straining to hear.  After a
> while, Koizumi-kun answered her, whispering, with a serious look on his
> face.

They're usually much more careful than that to be subtle, and Yuki was
already really blatant (especially for her) earlier.

> "Oh, of course!  The solution to the Navier-Stokes equation in three
> dimensions, a most puzzling problem."
>
> "That requires you to hold your face so close to Kyon's?" I said.

Haha, jealous, Haruhi?

> He stepped back.  "Forgive me.  I gave in to temptation..."
>
> Kyon took two steps back.

Hah!

> "So they didn't get banned from the Facebook?"

Yuki: They all switched to Google Plus.
Mikuru: How rustic!

> "I'm going to have to carry all these, aren't I?" he said.
>
> Bingo!

Of course!

> Honestly, if he just took a moment to listen, he'd see that it was a
> simple plan.  If just one coin went through that machine and changed, I
> wanted to know everything there was to know about what it used to look
> like and what it became.  That's why all five of us would have a job to
> do.  From the bucket of coins, Mikuru-chan would stand.  She'd take one
> out and number it with a felt-tip marker.  She'd hand it off to
> Koizumi-kun, who'd take photos front and back, and Yuki would do the
> same after each coin was fed through the machine, the job of which
> belonged to...

"From the bucket of coins, Mikuru-chan would stand."

Suggest rewording on this one.

> He slapped his palm to his forehead. "This is madness.  These coins may
> as well be the last Greeks guarding the pass of Thermopylae.  Not one of
> them is going to come out the way you think."
>
> "There _are_ three hundred of them," said Koizumi-kun.

Hahaha!

> "I'd like to see you do that three hundred times without twisting or
> spraining something," he said, wringing out his fingers.

Well, she could pull it off, but Kyon's really got a point.

> She put down the chopping knife and glanced at the ceiling in thought.
> "Why, I think he threw a fit and chopped through the table he was
> sitting at."  She laughed.  "Broke it cleanly in two.  Can you believe
> it?"

Hmmm.  Interesting.

Well, it's set up ... quite nicely, too.  Other than some minor
quibbles (which, naturally, you are free to dismiss!), it worked.
Absolutely the overarching structure is solid.  I liked it.

I didn't catch a lot of grammatical errors, but I'm not always the
sharpest one for that.  Sorry if I was a bit rough last time, and
thanks for sharing.  This was a lot more fun. :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.