[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Prologue

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Jul 28, 2011 at 12:24 AM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
>> I've certainly never posted any my attempts to write from her PoV, and
>> I think your second take at it does a much better job.
>
> Though I will say your timing here leaves something to be desired, if
> only because I waited before posting chapter one elsewhere, then posted
> it, then this is in my mailbox. :P  I jest, of course.  This is really
> quite helpful to me.

Yeah, real-life has a way of doing that....  Some exceptionally
unfortunate timing....  If it makes you feel any better, I'd much
rather have been replying than what I was doing. ;)

>> But I find this Haruhi much more likeable. >_>;
>
> I felt this way too, and while I could justify it in the sense of them
> being kindred spirits or, eheh, being opposite sides of the same coin,
> I'll admit that Haruhi feels a touch too serious to me, even in this
> draft.  It's going to need further thought, that's for sure.

Well, she's always serious ... though I get what you mean.
Unfortunately, nothing comes directly to mind when I look for
suggestions....

>> Repetition in the first two sentences of 'watching'.  Maybe change the
>> first to 'observing'?
>
> Yeah, watching and watching is a bit silly there, isn't it.

It's a pet-peeve, so I gripe about it way more than required (mostly
because I constantly do it myself, and it vexes me to miss it).

> It seems I've been doing this particular thing (capitalization of titles
> when used in place of a name) wrong for longer than I care to admit.

Well, consistency trumps accuracy.  Just slap a 'style' label on it. :)

>> > "Thank you so much!" said the first girl, bowing.  "We won't forget
>> > this, will we, Yuka?"
>> >
>> > "Of course," said the second.  "Thank you!"
>>
>> Does Sayuri mean, 'of course not'?
>
> Probably.  I see what you did there.

Couldn't resist. ^_^

>> > "I mean, why do you need my money?"  He pointed to the seven-segment
>> > display on the machine.  "Looks like you're fine to me."
>> >
>> > 150.
>>
>> Previously, you'd spelled out all numbers, I thought.
>
> This is the number on the segmented display.  Perhaps it'd be more clear
> as "One-five-zero"?  Hm, I'm not sure I'm happy with that, either.  I
> could just go on further on how that's what the digits read.

Yeah -- specifying that it's the display works.  You can have her
count how many little LED segments are lit up or something.  You can
also probably just leave it as it is -- sometimes I note things that
don't need to be fixed; I just comment on them.

> I actually reread that (it's partway through book 7) just after sending
> this to the list.  The version on FFN already has this paragraph
> restructured appropriately.

Oop, then disregard me. :)

> I was going for something along the lines of everyone else in the room
> having been working on it, working on it, working on it with no clue
> where to even begin, and here Haruhi looks at the board and in two
> seconds flat solves it and goes back about her business.
>
> That said, a gasp may be overstating the rest of the room's reaction, on
> second thought.  Taking off my writer's hat and going into math mode, I
> thought it would be better to obscure the limit somewhat.  I don't think
> I've ever actually seen it presented the way it's written here, so I
> guess one fringe interpretation of the scene is that the teacher is
> being intentionally dickish or crafty.  Show kids the formula, and maybe
> they'd realize it was in the book all along.

Math is a huge weak point for me, so I could also just be not getting
it.  (Though, the idea of the teacher being a jerk and trying to ask
something impossible to embarass a random student for not paying
attention did occur to me.)

>> Over his shoulder at what?
>
> People who could be staring.  I think I'll expand on that to make it
> clear.

Most of those prompts I got what you were going for -- but sometimes I
felt a little more detail would be good.  Here, specifically, it's a
pretty good opportunity to address how Haruhi considers her classmates
(especially in context to what she was saying).

>> > "Hey, Kyon!" somebody called across the room.  It was one of our
>> > classmates.  I'd seen him before.
>>
>> She used him in her movie.
>
> It was my intent that she used him and promptly forgot his name when
> they were done (unlike Taniguchi, since she knew him in middle school).
> That said, it would take just one counterexample of Haruhi using
> Kunikida's name to spoil that idea.

Yeah, she mentions in that scene I re-read that she could bring Kyon's
grades up to Kunikida's level (book eight).  Not trying to be a
canon-thumper, here:

I think it would work to have her recognize him from the
movie/anthology and just not remember his name at the moment in any
case, because he's 'Kyon's friend' (the less perverted one), and
anyway, that scene was from last semester, when she was trying to get
Kyon to study with her (the lazy bum).

>> Hmm, no scene dividers?
>
> This wouldn't be too hard to fix, though I'd hoped the extra blank line
> would be enough.  I'm going to have to do some thinking on this, though.
> Would it be an overstatement to say that scene breaks are serious
> business?

Nah, I caught it from the extra space.  If it works for you, it's
fine, it's just not the one I'm used to (different is okay).

> Like I said, I appreciate the comments and remarks very much.  Finding
> Haruhi has already proved a more challenging task than I'd imagined, and
> this is just the first real chapter.  I have a feeling Haruhi's going to
> keep surprising me and stay hard to pin down regardless of what headway
> I make.

I feel your pain, but ... if she didn't, she probably wouldn't really
be Haruhi. ;)

> Thanks a lot for your remarks.

Glad I could be of help!

> -Michael Clark
-- 
Brian Randall
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I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
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Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.