[FFML] Ranma 1/2 End Game Chapter 1

[Thunderstruck]

Ooookay. Let's try that again. Sorry, everyone. I'm out of practice 
posting to the FFML.

Grayson.


 >> I do have a draft of the series online at:
 >> http://thediariesuniverse.yuku.com/topic/1325/Draft-Ranma-1-2-End-Game
 >>
 >> I would be grateful if you could go over the other two chapters and 
give me your thoughts on them.
 >>
 >> Again, thank you for the best C&C I've had in a long time.
 > I'm honored you really want my advice, but as an Ukyou fanboy, AND
 > someone who is (totally) burnt out on Ranma/Akane matchups, I think my
 > vitriol would overpower any good suggestions.  We're better off
 > quitting while we're ahead (just like I think your favorite couple
 > should have (see?  Vitriol!)).  Ah, but seriously -- Since this is
 > public, aren't there other people on the list who would like to step
 > up to the plate?  Come on, list-ees, we used to be great at pulling
 > together C&C!  It seems that Archive is looking for a pre-reader; any
 > takers?
 >
 > I can't believe that Archive and I are the only fans of the series
 > left on the list....
 >
Well, you're not the only fans left. And since you put out so nice a 
plea, I'll chime in here, although I don't have time to do a 
point-by-point critique at the moment. All observations are my opinion 
only--take them for what they're worth.

Observation One: The Greatest Cliche
David, for all that you've stated that your desire is to turn certain 
fanfic cliches on their head, you seem to be falling victim to the worst 
fanfic cliche of all (IMHO). That is the idea that if the cast of Ranma 
just sat down to talk about things, they'd solve so many of their 
recurring problems. It's an understandable impulse. Pretty much the 
entire cast of Ranma is terminally immature and prone to 
miscommunication. It's natural for a fanfic writer to want to get them 
to be reasonable for once, as you do throughout your fic. Unfortunately, 
I find that usually knocks the legs straight out from under a story 
unless it's handled very well.

An example from your story is the scene where Kodachi twigs the Jusenkyo 
curse and the pig-tailed girl's identity. This is a sadly flat moment. 
Kodachi has ignored reality up to this point even when evidence is 
directly in front of her (like Ranma changing in her very arms, no 
less), so why does this scene suddenly provide a breakthrough? But even 
worse, you don't do anything with it. I think there are plenty of ways 
to handle the Kodachi-gets-a-clue idea in an entertaining way, but here 
she just turns around and walks off in a brown study. Kodachi is a riot 
of a character... surely you can find some way to make that more 
interesting.

This leads to...

Observation Two: Why So Serious?
Certainly, there have been any number of fanfics that take Ranma in a 
serious direction and do it well ("Ill Met by Starlight" being my 
favorite). Yet it's very easy to go wrong with this. The big problem is 
when you take the very ludicrous canon of Ranma and suddenly, for no 
readily apparent reason, everybody starts taking it seriously. The 
aforementioned "Ill Met by Starlight" avoids this by making it an 
alternate universe. Something like "Waters Under Earth" handles it by 
introducing new elements that steer the tone in a more serious 
direction. But in your story, what do we have? A marriage certificate? 
It's pretty thin stuff for everybody to suddenly start applying real 
gravity to the Ranmaverse. It seems like your story would be better off 
with an infusion of humor, or at least light-heartedness.

For example, Ranma suddenly gets all steely-eyed when Akane slips the 
news on him that they're married. He sees her mortal danger. He starts 
saying "fuck" a lot and screams in angst at the idea of sending Akane to 
train with his father. None of this, to me, is very reminiscent of the 
canon Ranma, and you haven't given me anything that makes me believe 
he's gone from the charming, infuriating, easy-going, self-centered guy 
that he is in the manga to this decisive, analytical, and even tormented 
being we see now. The breakdown of the fiancee list by relative strength 
and danger level to Akane seems particularly forced.

What's missing is a sense of fun.

Aping Takahashi-san's style of humor is its own sort of pitfall to 
avoid. Fact is that she's her own weird species of nutjob, and it's very 
difficult for any fanfic writer to match the way she handled Ranma 1/2 
(even accounting for the fact that a lot of the visual humor simply 
doesn't translate well to prose). Nevertheless, there is a certain 
lightness of spirit that I think is missing from your story. You try for 
it some, but the fun-loving quality I'm thinking about is pretty much 
absent in all the key scenes.

Observation Three: That True Tone
To me, your characters don't ring true. Again, what I'm talking about is 
not a strict adherence to the way they were portrayed in the canon, but 
a kind of deeper understanding of who these people are, which you 
express in your own style. Let's take a scene for example: Ranma and 
Akane in the kitchen. Ranma suddenly takes it on himself to help Akane 
learn to cook. Okay, that's not implausible, and there's some good 
potential for all sorts of treatments. And it seems the most boring 
treatment approaches this by being patient, reasonable, and clear... and 
that Akane meekly accepts his guidance. Which is pretty much what happens.

Why is Ranma doing this? Give us a motivation. Now think about how Ranma 
would approach it--and then what wouldn't work, and why. Does he have 
some sort of bizarre training idea to make things work? Will he fall 
back into his old style of teasing her if his idea backfires? Or if his 
feelings have changed and he's trying to turn over a new leaf, maybe 
he'll be overly solicitous and fussy... and equally volatile approach, 
really. All sorts of things suggest themselves that would seem true to 
Ranma's nature. Let Ranma be Ranma! He's an entertaining guy. He's got a 
good heart and a big head, with all the social graces of an exploding 
watermelon. There's a lot you can do with a guy like that, much more 
than this somber, methodical fellow I'm seeing in your story.

Okay, that's what I have time for today. Good luck and keep writing.

--Grayson Towler