[FFML] Ranma 1/2 End Game Chapter 1

[Louise McCrowe]

Ok, very first time using Gmail for something like this. Let's see whether
it works out.

On Thu, Feb 17, 2011 at 12:52 PM, David Barry <lordarchive at hotmail.com>wrote:

>
> End Game
>
> Chapter One: Secret Plays
>
> By: Lord Archive
>
> Ranma 1/2 belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and is used without consent nor
> intent of profit. All rights reserved.
>
> This is set in the manga time line. Anime only events do not apply.
>
>
timeline. one word.

Oh crap, I'm going to end up nitpicking little things instead of offering
constructive criticism, won't I?  OK, I'll try to only do mispellings, not
comma placement or sentence construction.  Doing this as I read the story.


--------------------
>
> Akane made sure her door was locked and pulled the shade to her room
> closed. While it was hardly unusual of her to do such a thing at this time
> of day as she prepared for bed, she had more reason than to make sure no one
> tried to see her changing clothes. She dug into her desk and pulled out a
> folder hidden where no one would look, under her old homework that marked
> the greatest of her academic accomplishments. Inside the folder was an
> assignment she wrote years ago devoted to the person she idolized most, her
> mother. Buried within that folder was a piece of paper that had nothing to
> do with school, but in her own mind it was an award that far surpassed any
> other even if it was only a piece of paper that held little true meaning
> yet. It was her marriage license to Ranma.
>
>
So after reading the next few paragraphs I had to come back to the initial
one to double-check: Is the assignment on her mother the homework that marks
the greatest of her academic accomplishments?  If so you might want to
rewrite this a bit to make that clearer.




> She had not been happy when her own father tried to trick her in getting
> married.


"trick her *into*"


> Not because her father wanted her too, but because she had convince herself
> that Ranma loved her.
>
>
"she had *convinced*"


> Still, she was the legal winner, and that would have to do for now.


Hm?  I'm assuming we'll learn a bit later as to why she would refer to
herself as the legal winner? Was marriage to Ranma something that she wanted
but Ranma didn't, and thus she 'won' that by having the signed ... hm. I
just noticed that up above you mention marriage license, and in the other
paragraph, marriage application. Now, if I understand it correctly, the
marriage license application is the form you need to fill so you can get the
marriage license.  The marriage license says that "yes, you guys can marry",
and you now can get a marriage certificate that says "Alright, you're
married.  Divorce court's over that way."   I cannot believe that there are
actually 3 forms, perhaps someone who's actually married could correct me if
I'm wrong :)


> She carefully put the proof of marriage back in it's hiding place and got
> ready for bed, wondering when when that certificate would stop being just a
> piece of paper.
>
>
Well, I guess I wrote the above paragraph a sentence too early. So I'm going
to assume that you meant certificate the whole way through, and I'm assuming
that the other forms were forged by their parents before/not needed in
japan/not important to the story, really, so no need to bother with them?


> "Trying to hit a small moving target is difficult, especially when I don't
> know which way you'll move. Trying to hit it covered in clothes hardly
> helps,"


Oh, this is so going to turn into a lemon.


>
> Seeing his absent-minded nod, she turned to leave. "I'll take a bath
> first." The memory of first seeing 'him' leapt to her mind, as she had a
> clear view of all he had to offer as he stepped out of the bath. She did not
> see his eyes follow her as she left the dojo.
>

Sooooooo going to turn into a lemon.


>
>
> "Really? With who?" Soun inquired.
>

With *whom*

(I'm really sorry, sometimes I just can't help myself.)


> "Meh, cowards," Ranma grumbled. "I've got no plans."
>
>
Unless he either completely missed the implication that Akane would be
cooking (which she just stated above), this seems remarkably out of
character for Ranma.  Some detail on his thought process at the moment might
be useful here, or something indicating that yes, this is indeed something
odd, and everyone recognizes it.  Even a strange look on his face before
saying that, or a look of determination, etc.


> "How can I with you breathing down my neck?" Akane hissed.
>
> "Get used to it," Ranma shot back.
>
> Akane shuddered, uncertain if he meant the double meaning of that
> statement.
>
>
Shuddered in disgust?  Also, I'll be honest, it took me a while to
understand what double meaning you were writing about, here.  Perhaps a
nervous shiver ran through her? A moment of befuddlement?


> "What is there to say?" Ranma shrugged. "Saying nothing and nothing
> changes."
>
>
Ranma clinched his teeth. "Why did you sign it? Why haven't you gotten it
> annulled? Why didn't you tell me before?"
>
>
clenched.



>
> Before Akane knew what was going on, she was sitting in the pond, unhurt
> but very wet. "Wha?"
>
>
Was it an uncharacteristically (or characteristically, depending on the
season) warm day, and they had the door from the living room to the patio
open? Perhaps hearing the cicadas lightly singing, or simply enjoying the
cool/warm night breeze? Or maybe the smell of Akane's
not-deadly-but-still-not-that-ok cooking was still wafting inside the house
and a bit of ventilation never hurts?  Knowing these things would give the
reader a bit more awareness of the scene layout beforehand.


"I'm going to pretend I don't know," Ranma muttered. "There's no way I can
> train you the way you need to be."
>

This whole scene felt very off to me. Your Ranma has a very different
personality from the manga and anime.  He can go annul the marriage, but he
won't.  Instead, he berates and abuses Akane.  Even when you're trying to
show that he cares for her (which I assume is what you were doing with him
helping her cook and then eating her food), he comes off as gruff and
honestly seemingly doing this with a frown on his face the whole time, with
no affection or fondness for the task at hand.    I don't know if this
characterization is on purpose or not, and whether you are planning on
making him likable little by little, but as it stands he seems overly
aggressive and angry without any of his childish nervousness.


> "If I don't do this, it will be worse," Akane retorted.
>
> "How can it be worse?" Kasumi wondered.
>
>
I'm honestly wondering that as well.


> Ranma gritted his teeth and leapt away, kicking the panda into the wall on
> his way.
>
>
Again with the unneeded aggression.  Next up, I'm expecting Ranma to start
yelling at Kasumi for asking too many questions.


> There was one thing she had noticed, Ranma seemed to be avoiding her.


use a :, not a ,.

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah. Thought the best way to deal with Shampoo is to get
> on her bad side. So, I'd sit in Nekohanten talking to the old ghoul, Mousse,
> other customers while making a mess. If I said something to her, it'd be in
> an insulting tone."
>
>
must...contain...comment...


>
> "Nabiki suggested that if I wanted to piss her off, I should treat her like
> I treat you." Ranma folded his arms. "Am I really that much of a jerk?"
>
>
uh.

I mean.

If Nabiki said "treat her like you treat Akane", and Ranma's immediate
thought is "ok, ignore her, then insult her any time she talks to me", I'd
say that ... you know, let's continue the chapter.



> Ranma scowled as he walked away. "Don't know why Nabiki said not to try
> that with Ukyou, though."
>
>
Because Ukyou's secretly into  BDSM and is currently on the lookout for a
master.  Things would NOT work out how he planned.


> Akane's practice paused as Ranma briefly leapt into the field splashed the
> panda with hot water and then disappeared.
>
>
leapt into the field, splashed the panda with hot water, and then


Kodachi looked over with wide eyes. "Is the red-haired harlot and
> Ranma-sama...?"
>
> "One in the same person? Yes," Akane deadpanned. "He fell into spring of
> drowned girl."
>
>
Man, no wonder this Ranma goes near-berserk when he found out about the
marriage certificate.  Akane can't keep a secret worth a damn, he probably
thinks she's about to post it on facebook and litter the streets with fliers
announcing their marriage.


> "Ah, proved I've got the biggest chest," Ranma squeaked. "Those two will be
> rather busy for a while..."
>

But, proved how? The only way to have proven it is if they had compared
sizes, meaning they ALSO took off their shirts.  So Ranma, Ukyo, and Shampoo
would all be topless next to each other.  In which case, yes, Akane, Ranma
was INDEED doing something perverted by your definition and, also, his.

I also missed the implication here. Why will Ukyo and Shampoo be busy for a
while?  I am honestly confused.  At first I'm thinking "well, busy trying to
increase their bust size?" but then I realized that made no sense, so now I
don't know what's up.  Busy fighting? How is that related to Ranma being the
chestiest? (Alright, that's an actual word according to my spellchecker. SO
using it next time I have the chance.)



Ranma's personality seemed a bit closer to what I would have called
'on-target' in the final scene.  Perhaps de-emphasize Ranma's use of
violence (completely) and anger towards Akane WHEN SHE'S NOT ANGRY BACK.  If
Akane isn't yelling at him, Ranma is very unlikely to actually be mad at
her, no matter what's going on.

So, ok, a few problems:

Too many things happen without any real explanation of how the characters
would've agreed to do it.

Why would Shampoo just suddenly reveal to Akane that she's actually
perfectly fluent in Japanese?  Is her victory assured?  Does she not think
Akane will tell Ranma? Does she think Ranma won't care? Then why still speak
pidgin Japanese?

Why would Genma train Akane? Not that he's not an awesome trainer. Sadly, he
is.  But what sort of explanation or trick did Ranma have to pull out of his
ass to get him to agree to it? If Ranma told the truth, it would've gone
something like this:

Ranma: "Pop, you gotta train Akane, I can't bring myself to, you know, hit
her."
Genma: "What? No son of mine is an incompetent teacher.  Oh, why have I been
cursed with such a weakling for a child?"
Genma: (Plus, if I can convince Ranma to keep training with Akane, it's only
a matter of time before they start bonding, fall in love, and marry!)
Ranma: "No, see, she's got the marriage certificate--"
Genma: "SOUN! GET DOWN HERE I KNOW WHERE THE CERTIFICATE ENDED UP!"
<Genma and Soun scour Akane's room for the certificate. With that in hand,
they just don't give a damn about whatever Ranma has to say.>
Genma: "Oh, happy day!"
Soun: "Oh, happy day, indeed!"

As far as Genma is concerned, if Akane's going to be attacked for being
married to Ranma, it is COMPLETELY Ranma's responsibility to defend her. If
she's going to be attacked for ANYTHING related to Ranma, it is his duty to
marry her, THEN defend her.  If she's going to be attacked due to a
challenge then it's his honor to train her, then marry her after the
challenge, then defend her.  The only reason that he would train Akane is if
it made her closer to Ranma somehow.  Saying "she needs training because she
might be attacked and I don't want to defend her" isn't gonna cut it.


Anyway, I will keep this short as it's very late at night for me.

-mccrowe
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/attachments/20110218/0adee043/attachment.htm>