[FFML] Ranma 1/2 End Game Chapter 1

[Gary Kleppe]

As always, take what's below as the opinions of one particularly cranky reader.
:) I'll try not to list points that other people have already mentioned.


On Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:52:49 -0500, David Barry <lordarchive at hotmail.com> wrote:

>Even though the wedding ceremony had literally been bombed, she was still legally Saotome Akane. The only issue was that only a couple people realized this, and Ranma wasn't one of them. Still, she was the legal winner, and that would have to do for now. She carefully put the proof of marriage back in it's hiding place 

its hiding place

(its = something belonging to it; it's = contraction of it is, it was, etc.)

> and got ready for bed, wondering when when that certificate would stop being just a piece of paper.

wondering when that (take out one "when")

>"I'm going on a date Saturday," Kasumi announced at dinner.
>
>"Really? With who?" Soun inquired.
>
>"Mitsutani-san," Kasumi answered. "He works down at the market at his parent's store."

parents' store."

(Presumably you mean more than one parent)

>Ranma folded his arms. "Why would you think that? You're still learning how to cook."
>
>Akane scowled at him. Words dying on her lips. She tried to come up with a retort, but couldn't think of anything. 'Because she was a girl,' sounded stupid to herself.

Suggest: 'Because I'm a girl' sounded
(Since Akane is actually thinking these particular words, it makes sense to
write it the way she'd phrase it)

> She let out a growl as she focused on making diner, trying to do her best to not have Ranma interfere.

on making dinner,

AKANE: As soon as I finish this building, it's going to house a restaurant
that'll win away all of Ukyo's customers. Now would you mind handing me that
hammer?

>Akane held her hand over her stomach. Dinner wasn't quite sitting the way she hoped, and it didn't taste nearly as well as it should have, but both her and Ranma were able to eat it.

both she and Ranma were

(The test for cases like this is to take out the "and Ranma". Would you say

...but her was able to eat it.

or

...but she was able to eat it.

Clearly "she" is correct here, so it's also correct above.)

>She sighed while watching television. It was only six thirty and doubted anyone would be home any time soon.

Suggest: and she doubted anyone

(Without that it sounds like "it" was doing the doubting)

>Genma nodded. "Akane could use a sparring partner soon." He then turned to the Tendo girl. "Take a break. I need to see where this girl is at, skill wise."

skill-wise."


>Genma shook his head. "She needs a lot of work. Akane take the rest of the day to rest. We'll see if she's ready to spar with you tomorrow."

Akane, take

(When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the identification must be set off
with a comma.)

>Kodachi looked over with wide eyes. "Is the red-haired harlot and Ranma-sama...?"

Since you said in your intro that this is based on manga only, then female Ranma
should not be described as having red hair. Colorized pages in the early volumes
show his hair as solid black. (On the covers of collected manga volumes his hair
is drawn in just about any color you could name, including red. Also, even in
the tv adaptation, there are indicents where Ranma isn't recognized when having
a distinctive hair color clearly would've given him away, this seems to indicate
that the color is an artifact of the graphic style, like the big eyeballs, not
something to be taken as part of the storyline.)

>"Kodachi splashed me. She then complained about me lying or something, and about how insane Pop is," Ranma muttered. "She then shoved the bucket on my head and whacked it with her baton or something until it stuck. Told me to tell you that I'm all yours as she's 'done with me.'"
>
>Akane stared at the red head. "Really?"

No! Not really! It's an obvious artifact of the anime graphic style! (But if
against all common sense you are going to insist on keeping this, then "redhead"
should be one word.)

>"Yep." Ranma slowly got to her feet. "That's one down."
>
>"At least I don't have to worry about late night assassination from her," Akane agreed.

And that's awfully convenient.

 		 	   		  
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My biases are obviously different from Brian's, but I agree that the dramatic
tension in this isn't what it should be. It's fine if our two heroes wind up
together in the end, but you need to throw enough credible obstacles in their
way to make them earn that happy ending. Preferably the most important obstacles
should be internal ones, character flaws that R & A will need to grow to
overcome. There's lots of potential here for you to do this, but so far you seem
to be working hard to remove obstacles, rather than creating them.

For example, when Ranma balks at the idea of getting married and insists Akane
has to be trained by Genma, maybe Akane misreads his motives and thinks that
he's ashamed to be marrying such a poor martial artist, or that he's trying to
turn her into Shampoo and/or Ukyo. Maybe she reacts by withdrawing from martial
arts completely, wanting to see whether Ranma will accept her unconditionally,
and of course he can't understand why and she can't trust him enough to explain.

This is just an example; you can surely come up with something that fits better
into what you've got in mind. Also, I think it would help to delve more into the
thoughts and emotions of the characters. Don't just tell us what Akane says, get
into her head and describe what she feels as she says it.