[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Three

[Brian Randall]

On Mon, Aug 29, 2011 at 4:44 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> No, wait, walking distance from Kitago, that must have been Kouyouen
>> station.  (Hal and I ended up doing ... way too much research on this
>> for our own good.)  So, this is a small error; the station at the
>> bottom of the hill from the school is named Kouyouen, just like the
>> school there; the station closer to Kyon's home (and where they
>> typically meet up) is Kitaguchi.
>>
>> At this point in the story, it's probably best to say they're the same
>> station.
>
> It's funny; I did the research on how to get to Koshien and the station
> to station relationships there.  I didn't look at that part, and I
> should've.
>
> Haruhi's mother only knows that the "usual place" is the station because
> Haruhi says so here (without quotation marks).  Did I end up saying that
> they went specifically to the station at the bottom of the hill?  I'm
> going to have to recheck that.

I'm thinking.  I haven't rechecked, but I recall Mikuru being in the
santa suit.  That was walking distance from the school, so I just
assumed it was Kouyouen station.  Maybe I'm glossing over a train
trip?

>> I wouldn't normally make a big deal, but it's in quotes, and evidently
>> written verbatim (which would make sense, except that it's targeted at
>> Haruhi's mother, not Haruhi).
>
> Yeah, I think I intended this that Haruhi's mother wrote down what was
> said word for word (as opposed to, "Tell your daughter that...").  I
> admit, it's still tangled, though, so I'll see what I can do with this.

You can just preface it with, "She said," or "She told me," and not
change a thing, in that case.

> I think breaking up the big paragraph before it and adding some emphasis
> will make it clear that Mori's just shown her a photo of the birds and
> she's just denying the contents therein.

Ah, yeah.

>> I can only assume that it's intentional she doesn't tell Haruhi how
>> her powers have threatened Kyon.
>
> I wanted to make Mori even more sympathetic by implying obliquely that
> this act was indeed just an act, that she regretted even putting on this
> show but saw it as the best that could be made of the situation.  I
> couldn't figure out a good way to go about that without giving Haruhi an
> opening to question what she's being told, though.

Just put tears in her eyes when Haruhi finally turns to look at her?
Make even Haruhi realize that Mori's struggling to say what she's
saying.

It works on multiple levels if Mori appears to be a little scared, but
still go through with her plan anyway, and there's no reason for
Haruhi to question Mori being afraid of someone who can banish her at
a whim.

>> Either Mori is misinformed, or this particular script was written in
>> anticipation of such a need a long time ago....  I know that Koizumi
>> at least knows Asakura's true nature, thanks to Kyon finally relaying
>> the story of Disappearance to him.  It's possible that Koizumi didn't
>> share that detail with her, or that she's pretending ignorance.  It
>> does make me wonder at their expectations, though ... they surely
>> don't expect the other factions to ignore this.
>
> From you and Henry, it's clear that this didn't come off correctly.  The
> intent was that Mori is deliberately misrepresenting a truth she knows
> well.  Changing the cherry trees is ultimately harmless.  Putting her
> friends in danger with the Mikuru beam (regarding below) is serious
> business, but Mori's going for broke and trying to paint Haruhi as not
> just having crossed a line but having leapt headlong over it.

Nnnnooo, I explained myself poorly.

I was pointing out that it's clear she's lying (or was trying to).  I
don't think she's misinformed; when I was mentioning the script, I was
trying to say that this all felt very deliberate, not that it was
built on a false assumption.

> Now, that's not to say I'm 100% happy with it.  Having Asakura appear at
> the end of this chapter weakens the effect of this ploy significantly,
> in my opinion.  If I stick to how it is and Haruhi isn't told anything
> (hypothetically), she'd conclude that Mori lied, and that's what I
> wanted to be apparent here, not that Mori was merely mistaken.  I admit,
> I'm not sure how to make it more clear that Mori knows what she's saying
> is false without making that apparent to Haruhi, too.  This point I
> consider a major issue to resolve for final draft.

Hmm.  Well, it's not like Mori can reference the other factions
without giving away too much.  Okay....

Ah!  Mori just needs to make an accusation about the specifics of
Haruhi's (subconscious) reasons for getting rid of Asakura that Haruhi
finds semiplausible.  If you're bringing the Mikuru beam into this
discussion, too (which ... Haruhi should realize almost immediately
what that all meant).  I can't think of anything that wouldn't be
specifically about Kyon, but depending on how much Mori knows....

Oh, there's something:

Mori can state that 'before she vanished, Ryouko tried to send Kyon a
note requesting to meet with him in his shoe-locker' (or words to that
effect).  That part's true; lets the readers know that Mori is
informed, and leaves Haruhi to think something worse than the truth.
Something along those lines.  The pettier that Mori suggests the
reason is, the more justified Haruhi's fear of doing anything at all
once Ryouko shows up.

As a suggestion. >.>;;

You can probably come up with better. :p

>> And, I'd break that last sentence out on its own for impact again (but
>> I wonder now if I space things out too much).
>
> I think I just went overboard with big paragraphs.

Hal does similar, so I've been making those comments a lot. >.>

> Originally what I planned for was just for Koizumi to take Haruhi aside
> and find out what Mori had done.  Then I got the bright idea that if
> Kyon found out, he'd rightly want to punch Koizumi in the face, thinking
> Koizumi had everything to do with it.

While true, that does put Kyon more actively into play than you may
want at this point in the story (though, I don't think he's going to
sit idly by after Ryouko almost killed him yet again).

> As for the promised Haruhi/Kyon conversation, it's probably better if
> the line at the hospital is cut and this one referencing it is cut, too.
> I have mixed feelings about that.  Would Kyon just stand by, effectively
> doing nothing?  Past history tells us he very well could, but we the
> audience know things are hitting the fan vigorously, and it makes him
> look silly to stand by, working to fix things off screen (at best) while
> Haruhi is in the foreground.  I try to follow a maxim that the things
> that break a story are almost always the things that should happen
> because usually, it means you're just trying to cover up an obvious
> flaw.  I won't lie:  Kyon spilling the beans to Haruhi all in one go
> basically breaks the story.  My problems with that basic idea aside
> (always feels like there's little drama doing it that way), it just was
> never in the plan.  I wanted the revelation of facts to be organic,
> natural, and sequential.

Just have Haruhi defer the conversation with him because she can't
handle it yet.  That seems entirely justifiable.

Since she's settled down, I think Kyon would let it go at that (for a while).

> At any rate, this scene in the club room is probably the second major
> point I need to work on for final draft.

Alrighty.

>> Not sure I get this reference.  Actually ... I'm sure I don't. >.>
>
> Yeah, I guess that's the danger of throwing references out like candy;
> this actually isn't a reference.  Now, how on earth am I going to make
> that clear...?

Don't worry about it?  People who don't know it's a reference assume
it's original anyway. :p

> I figured for a lot of people it would be.  That's why I tried to spend
> no more than this paragraph doing play-by-play.  This is actually based
> on a real game from mid-June (...aside from the humanoid interface
> making a disruption in the seventh inning, of course), and by even a
> baseball fan's standards, it would've been pretty dull after the fourth
> since no one scored after that and the threats to do so (from the recap
> I found) were weak.

Ouch.  That's even more boring. o_o

>> I just can't believe that Ryouko _really_ thinks anyone is going to
>> let her get away with killing the entire stadium (if nothing else,
>> Yuki will protect Haruhi and Kyon anyway).  Not that Haruhi has anyway
>> to know that.
>
> Just imagine her telling Haruhi later, "But really, you have so much
> power.  Those people were never in any danger at all!"

Yeah.

>> The way you describe it, sounds like they're stationary, relative to a
>> rotating earth.
>>
>> Maybe, "The earth beneath them hadn't fallen apart," or something like
>> that?
>
> I'm going to have to figure a way to explain this, yes.  It's like
> riding a spinning carousel and letting go of the handlebar.  A child who
> does such a thing will fly off the carousel, maintaining linear momentum
> from the moment they let go.  That's basically what's going on here.
> All the people in the stadium keep going in a straight line.  Relative
> to the rotating earth (the point of view of the carousel, so to speak),
> it looks like they're flying away, but that's not really what's
> happening.
>
> Ah the conflict of physics and good writing.  I'll have to think about
> this one, too.

Just replace 'spinning' with 'turning', and I think it makes a bit
more sense.  While the earth is spinning, we generally consider that
to be really, really slow for the traditional meaning of the word
'spin'.  'Turning' is more sedate and makes it (IMNSO) a bit clearer.

> Is it Golden Week and is it in middle school?  I've got the Brown
> translation of book 1 in my drawer here; it says she was still in
> elementary school.  Then again, it wouldn't be the first error or
> awkward thing that that translation has.

I believe so, but I've only got fantranslations of questionable accuracy.  Ugh.

One thing I'd heard about is that the official translations were
inconsistent about calling middle school elementary.  However, if it
happened 'three years ago', from the start of Melancholy, then the
timing is right, and I'm almost positive it was during Golden Week
(though ... it could have been the vacation between the end of
elementary and the beginning of Middle school).

> Thanks a bunch.  This is really more helpful than you know.

Oh?  Well, I'd hoped it helped. :D

Thanks for sharing again; it's a fun read.

> -MC
-- 
Brian Randall
--
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