[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Three

[Michael Clark]

> I don't ... recall anything specific happening to Haruhi's hands or
> sleeves, so I actually forget the relevance of this.  I was under the
> impression she was far enough from Taniguchi that she wasn't hurt --
> in fact, Kyon was about to get into a fight with him, so logically
> would have been much closer than she was, and he doesn't seem injured
> (or else, Haruhi hasn't noticed that he's hurt, too, which somehow I
> don't think is the case).
>
> It would probably be good to have her reflect on what she must look
> like here, to explain her appearance to outsiders.

Yeah, her hands and sleeves aren't real good choices to check here.
Maybe it'd be better if they went for sensory problems like sensitivity
to light or something like that.

> Well, this suggests that Haruhi's mother is either in the brigade or
> has been with them, which is actually not the case.  It'll probably
> work if Haruhi's mother just comments that she hopes it's not at
> Kitaguchi station in particular, since that's where the sinkhole was.
>
> No, wait, walking distance from Kitago, that must have been Kouyouen
> station.  (Hal and I ended up doing ... way too much research on this
> for our own good.)  So, this is a small error; the station at the
> bottom of the hill from the school is named Kouyouen, just like the
> school there; the station closer to Kyon's home (and where they
> typically meet up) is Kitaguchi.
>
> At this point in the story, it's probably best to say they're the same
> station.

It's funny; I did the research on how to get to Koshien and the station
to station relationships there.  I didn't look at that part, and I
should've.

Haruhi's mother only knows that the "usual place" is the station because
Haruhi says so here (without quotation marks).  Did I end up saying that
they went specifically to the station at the bottom of the hill?  I'm
going to have to recheck that.

> > I can believe it, Mother, because I'm the one who did that.  Well,
> > you didn't need to know that part.  But really, do you think I'll go
> > meet a stranger just because she asks me to?
>
> Anyone who knows Haruhi at all: Probably, yes.  In a heartbeat.
> Haruhi: Have they read this chapter?
>
> Point.

Heh.  I see there's a mistake here.  Haruhi says she's the one who made
the sinkhole, when she shouldn't suspect that's the case yet.

> > "Oh, yes, the message."  She looked over the rims of her glasses at
> > a piece of paper.  "Here we go.  She said, 'I know what happened at
> > the gate today, and I know your daughter does, too.'  What could
> > that be--ah, Haruhi!"
>
> rims -- top (suggesting something with a singular form)
>
> Just pointing out, as worded, that message was for Haruhi's mother.
> Otherwise, it references Haruhi's daughter.
>
> Kyon: Okay, where did this little girl come from, and why is she
> calling me 'dad'....  *facepalm o' realization*  Haruhi....
>
> I wouldn't normally make a big deal, but it's in quotes, and evidently
> written verbatim (which would make sense, except that it's targeted at
> Haruhi's mother, not Haruhi).

Yeah, I think I intended this that Haruhi's mother wrote down what was
said word for word (as opposed to, "Tell your daughter that...").  I
admit, it's still tangled, though, so I'll see what I can do with this.

> I don't remember her seeing the birds.

I think breaking up the big paragraph before it and adding some emphasis
will make it clear that Mori's just shown her a photo of the birds and
she's just denying the contents therein.

> Even though she's well spoken, this conveys a certain bitterness in
> being assigned to her role that ...really makes Mori's argument
> sympathetic, even though I also think she's going overboard (but,
> maybe that's the plan).
>
> I can only assume that it's intentional she doesn't tell Haruhi how
> her powers have threatened Kyon.

I wanted to make Mori even more sympathetic by implying obliquely that
this act was indeed just an act, that she regretted even putting on this
show but saw it as the best that could be made of the situation.  I
couldn't figure out a good way to go about that without giving Haruhi an
opening to question what she's being told, though.

> > "Look at me, Suzumiya Haruhi, unless you're afraid of what I have to
> > say!"
>
> Either Mori is misinformed, or this particular script was written in
> anticipation of such a need a long time ago....  I know that Koizumi
> at least knows Asakura's true nature, thanks to Kyon finally relaying
> the story of Disappearance to him.  It's possible that Koizumi didn't
> share that detail with her, or that she's pretending ignorance.  It
> does make me wonder at their expectations, though ... they surely
> don't expect the other factions to ignore this.