[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Three

[Brian Randall]

On Sun, Aug 28, 2011 at 10:46 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> If I'd titled these chapters, this would probably be best called
> "Repentance" or some such.

I had to give up my usual habit of C&Cing as-I-go.  I believe this
causes me to overlook some typos that I might catch the first time,
but the emotional impact was so intense....

This chapter blew me away a little.

Maybe more than a little.  o_o

> And then, of course, the lightning bolt can hit you outright.

Maybe outright --> directly (?)

> Lots of things can happen after you're struck.  The heat from electrons
> moving rapidly through your body can burn your skin, but the strike is
> so brief the burns are usually shallow and harmless.  You'll probably
> never remember what happened, though.  You might go blind for a while or
> develop cataracts in the months and years to follow.  Your eardrums may
> blow out, and even if they don't, odds are you'll still hear ringing
> when it's quiet at night.  I know I do.

I would suggest separating that final sentence out for additional impact.

> Most importantly, you have to remember that lightning is electricity.
> It's current.  The brain and nerves run on impulses, but more than that,
> there's one delicate circuit in the body that no one can live without.
>
> The heart.

Yeah ... which is mostly an issue depending on if it crossed through
Tanniguchi's heart.  I remember reading about this years ago....

> That's not right.  Electricity wasn't what put him there, but I--I could
> only wonder.  It's easy to kill.  People do it all the time.  They
> create life, too, but they only know a couple ways to do that.  I knew
> right away, when that bolt took Taniguchi to the ground, that I had the
> power to snuff life out, but could I bring it back?  Could I mend what
> I'd destroyed?  Is it wrong to feel paralyzed, standing there as medics
> shocked Taniguchi, hoping to revive his heart?  Is it wrong to fear, to
> think that anything you do to heal him might make things worse?  To
> wonder if, deep inside yourself, you might lash out at him again and
> finish the deed you'd left undone?

And now she has to realize that it's _not_ all fun and games....

I'd suggest breaking this into two paragraphs starting with 'Could I
mend what I'd destroyed?'

> They carried Taniguchi into the ambulance, and this time, the medics
> insisted on no passengers.  The crowd of bystanders dispersed.  I don't
> know when I forgot to protect myself, to shield my body from the rain,
> but as the faint sirens faded in the distance, I was as wet and cold as
> anyone without an umbrella should've been.

I ... think the medics might insist on that, since she couldn't really
claim to be his girlfriend convincingly or anything like that, but I
would really expect that Kyon would actually keep her from trying
right off the bat.  While she does mean well....  He does get into it
later, a little.  It doesn't change the scene except to bring Kyon
back into Haruhi's thoughts slightly sooner, but it does neatly allow
you to not worry about whatever incoherent conversation Haruhi might
have had (including saying it was her fault, as rattled as she is).

> I still remember that cold winter morning, a week before Christmas Day.
> People walk up and down steps all the time.  You never think someone
> could trip or stumble.  You never think someone you know might fall.
> That time, it was Kyon.  He had to do a really clumsy thing, taking a
> dive in the stairwell.  We were supposed to get supplies for a reindeer
> costume, but that... put a damper on things.  We should've been the only
> ones there, but I swear I saw a girl running just out of sight.  She
> tripped Kyon, or she pushed him somehow.  He doesn't remember, but I
> know it's true.  That time, Kyon's family let us stay in his room.  We
> camped out, night after night.  That's what a brigade chief does, you
> know.  She cares for her subordinates.  That, and... I didn't think I
> could get that sound out of my head--the sound of Kyon's skull banging
> on the floor--if I went anywhere else.  He was fine after all, not even
> a scratch!

I'd break this into new paragraphs with both sentences that start
'that time'.  Possibly a fourth paragraph to add impact to that final
sentence; you'd be using stylistic repetition with that one critical
difference being the offset.

> This time, though, we'd have to wait.  The crack of lightning through
> Taniguchi's body I wouldn't forget either, but when Kyon and I arrived
> at the hospital, the doctors and nurses were still examining him,
> checking him.  His family I've never met.  I wouldn't know them if I saw
> them on the street.  They weren't there yet.

examining him, checking him -- same thing.  Maybe, "examining him,
checking the extent of the damage", or something along those lines?

> It's funny--I've known Taniguchi for a while now.  Four years I guess it
> is.  I don't know anything about him.  He's annoying sometimes.  He acts
> stupid.  He asked me out once, back in middle school, and I said yes
> without really thinking about it.  No sooner than I did, he went on for
> five minutes straight about the date we'd go on, the film we'd see, the
> restaurant he'd take me to, and then--the ultimate in wishful
> thinking--if we needed a "leisure hotel" for a few hours afterward, what
> kind of accessories we'd need for our stay.  It's not like I'm morally
> opposed to that sort of thing, but that was middle school.  I was
> fourteen.  After that kind of talk, he'd have to grow a third arm or
> something to be interesting enough to hold on to.  He's tagged along
> with us a couple times since, but I haven't really talked to him.
> Honestly, I hadn't given him more than a second thought.  I just
> remembered him being typical and ordinary.  That's why, when someone
> like that starts talking to me the way he did--

"Four years I guess it is."  This scans akwardly.

Leisure?  I thought they called them 'love hotels'.  Maybe that's a
more polite form....

> I shuddered.  Gods, somebody punch me in the face for thinking that.

Kyon: Nah, I'm past that now.

> The hospital staff made us wait in a public area.  When I had trouble
> hearing one of them, they looked at my hands, my sleeves.  They tried to
> take me in for treatment, but I raised hell.  Honestly, what are you
> people doing?  Don't you have better things to do?  Why don't you take
> care of people who've had a few million volts run through their veins?
> Don't you think they need some help?  Don't you?

I don't ... recall anything specific happening to Haruhi's hands or
sleeves, so I actually forget the relevance of this.  I was under the
impression she was far enough from Taniguchi that she wasn't hurt --
in fact, Kyon was about to get into a fight with him, so logically
would have been much closer than she was, and he doesn't seem injured
(or else, Haruhi hasn't noticed that he's hurt, too, which somehow I
don't think is the case).

It would probably be good to have her reflect on what she must look
like here, to explain her appearance to outsiders.

> Around lunchtime the rest of the brigade came.  Yuki sat down with us at
> the round table, but her green hardback she kept closed, looking
> solemnly at the cover instead.  Koizumi was polite but distracted, on
> the phone with his job again.  They brought sandwiches from a shop down
> the street, and we ate quietly.  Honestly, Mikuru-chan, you shouldn't
> have done that.  You're a third-year.  You should be in class.

but her green hardback she kept closed -- This is probably not wrong,
but this is an unusual word order.  I'd usually see that as, "but she
kept her green hardback closed".  I think ... it's grammatically
correct as it is, but scans awkwardly.

> "A friend of ours is in need," she said.  "Classes aren't so important
> when you look at it like that."
>
> I didn't know you were so close to Taniguchi.
>
> "Ah, yes," she said.  "Taniguchi-kun, too."

Nice.  But, Haruhi doesn't react at all.  Neither confused dismissal
or belated acknowledgement.  It goes straight from this to a timeskip.
 If you don't want to have Haruhi's reflection on that thought (or
just don't want it onscreen), then this is a good place for a
scene-break.

> They had Taniguchi laid out, snoozing away with sensors stuck to his
> chest and head.  Lightning's electricity after all--that's what the
> nurse told us--and they wanted to be sure he could still breathe and
> move with no lingering effects.  His eardrum had burst, and they were
> going to check his eyesight later, after the headaches wore off.  Burn
> ointment on his arms and neck glistened in the fluorescent light, but
> those injuries were superficial, nothing to be concerned about.  Even
> so, his parents were there, sitting in the room with him, standing vigil
> so he wouldn't be alone.  I didn't go inside.  I didn't want to intrude,
> but I did wait there at the glass, even as the others, seeing that
> Taniguchi was well, went back to school or to the library or to a
> part-time job that sounded too demanding to be healthy.

Hmm, of course, I have a suspicion that thanks to Yuki, he was never
really in danger anyway.

> "I guess Koizumi's got more to do nowadays."  Kyon leaned back against
> the wall, the window to Taniguchi's room at his side.  His hands in his
> pockets, he looked at me, and I knew what he was thinking.  Just what is
> this person--this girl who yanks a boy into her bedroom, who strikes
> down people because they were being annoying?  What'll she do next?

into -- to (if you want to be technical :p)

> "Of course," she said, easing the door shut.  She counted her change for
> a moment.  She didn't realize we were there.  That was all right.  She
> had a lot on her mind, I'm sure.  It wouldn't be a problem to let her
> pass by.  Family should take care of family, after all.
>
> And when you do wrong by someone's family, you should own up to it.  I
> stepped in front of her.  She blinked in surprise, pushing her glasses
> up the bridge of her nose.  "Oh, hello there.  You must be my son's
> friends.  It's Suzumiya-chan, isn't it?  From East Middle?"

I think this paragraph should start with an 'except' or a 'but', since
it contrasts the 'it's fine' of not being noticed.

> "Hm?  Well, I don't see how that could be.  As strange of a rainstorm
> that was, you all were just chatting at the gate, right?  It's not like
> you flung the lightning bolt that hit him.  That'd be silly, right?"
> She smiled.  "I'm just glad that boy of mine has such good friends to
> see him through this.  Thank you both."

Taniguchi's father: "I still say he's a slacker!  You hear me, boy?
You only get ONE day off for being struck by lightning!"

> I bet you do.  I don't doubt you have a lot of things to say, Kyon,
> because when something's on your mind, you don't hide it, but after all
> that's happened today, I don't think I can handle it--how blunt and
> direct you'd have to be.  I think we both know what I did.  That doesn't
> mean I could stand it if someone said it in words.

Yeah, you're going to love what happens next....

> "That's fair," he said quietly.  "Tomorrow, then?"
>
> Tomorrow then.

Maybe just 'Tomorrow'.

> "Stay strong, Brigade Chief!"

I do like that.

> That was until the night of the Sixth.  It was dark, to the sounds of
> cicadas' songs, I stood on the front step to our home.  I looked to the
> stars in the eastern sky--Orihime in near the horizon and Hikoboshi
> further up, separated by the heavenly river.  You can't see it very
> well, not in the city.  The glow of human lights drowns out the Milky
> Way, and in the West, the stars Altair and Vega are little different
> from others.  Make a wish, and maybe they'll hear you.  Sure.  Will they
> make the earth turn the other way around?  Probably not.  So I went
> inside, thinking nothing would change.

I don't think sixth is a proper noun.

'It was dark, to the sounds of cicadas' songs, I stood on the front
step to our home.'  Eh ... this sentence needs another pass, I think.

> Boy was I wrong.  I came back in, and it was dark.  The lights were out,
> the television blank and silent.  "Mother?" I called out.  "Father?"
> They didn't answer.  I went back to the door.  I pushed and pulled, but
> it wouldn't budge.  That wasn't right.  Much as you might like them to
> when you're an angry child throwing a tantrum, your parent's don't just
> disappear.  The stars through the window don't vanish instantly behind a
> murky, gray mist.

parent's -- parents

> "She asked to meet you somewhere.  'The usual place'?"
>
> That'd be the station.  Only someone in the brigade--or someone who's
> been with us--would know that.
>
> "You're not thinking of going to meet this woman, are you?  Just
> yesterday, I heard part of the sidewalk there collapsed in a sinkhole.
> Can you believe it?"

Well, this suggests that Haruhi's mother is either in the brigade or
has been with them, which is actually not the case.  It'll probably
work if Haruhi's mother just comments that she hopes it's not at
Kitaguchi station in particular, since that's where the sinkhole was.

No, wait, walking distance from Kitago, that must have been Kouyouen
station.  (Hal and I ended up doing ... way too much research on this
for our own good.)  So, this is a small error; the station at the
bottom of the hill from the school is named Kouyouen, just like the
school there; the station closer to Kyon's home (and where they
typically meet up) is Kitaguchi.

At this point in the story, it's probably best to say they're the same station.

> I can believe it, Mother, because I'm the one who did that.  Well, you
> didn't need to know that part.  But really, do you think I'll go meet a
> stranger just because she asks me to?

Anyone who knows Haruhi at all: Probably, yes.  In a heartbeat.
Haruhi: Have they read this chapter?

Point.

> "That's true."  Mother tapped her pen on the clipboard.  "She did say
> something else, though."

I'd just expect her response to be something like, "Really?"  And (etc.).

> "I'm just a little scattered is all."  She held up the clipboard.  "See,
> I'm in chapter forty-seven, and Tsuki-chan's just found out she was
> princess of the Crystal Kingdom."

/me hides a chapter 47 of the fic he's working on. >.>;;

> "No!" she protested.  "Well, maybe.  Don't people do that all the time?
> Like, there was that show last winter, right?  Where if the girls use
> their powers too much or despair, they become monsters or something?
> That's just the opposite of Takeuchi-san's work, but it's still a
> knock-off."

Okay, this made me laugh.

> She sighed.  "I guess not.  Still, that ending--can you believe it?
> Just going and wiping everything that--"

On so many levels.

> No, it's just--the message.  Tell me about the message, won't you?

That's about the perfect place and way to break the comic relief moment.

> "Oh, yes, the message."  She looked over the rims of her glasses at a
> piece of paper.  "Here we go.  She said, 'I know what happened at the
> gate today, and I know your daughter does, too.'  What could that
> be--ah, Haruhi!"

rims -- top (suggesting something with a singular form)

Just pointing out, as worded, that message was for Haruhi's mother.
Otherwise, it references Haruhi's daughter.

Kyon: Okay, where did this little girl come from, and why is she
calling me 'dad'....  *facepalm o' realization*  Haruhi....

I wouldn't normally make a big deal, but it's in quotes, and evidently
written verbatim (which would make sense, except that it's targeted at
Haruhi's mother, not Haruhi).

> I slipped my shoes back on and bolted out.  "I'll phone when I'm heading
> back!" I called through the gap in the door, and I shut it behind me.
> Thank the gods that stranger, whoever she was, didn't tell Mother what
> she meant by that.  To my parents, I'm just their strange little
> girl--unusual, yes, but no less their daughter.  The last thing I want
> is to have them asking me to do miracles as soon as I'm home from
> school.  They know I'm different, but they still treat me like any other
> sixteen-year-old girl.  Why?  Because they accept that I'm strange, and
> it doesn't bother them.

Interesting that she's glad to be normal to her parents now.

> I ran for the station as fast as my legs would carry me.  I wove through
> groups of pedestrians.  I dodged bikes and scooters.  Stranger woman,
> whoever you are--you don't call my home and expect me to sit by.  You
> don't talk to my mother about _my_ powers and _my_ business without
> talking to me first!

Hmm.  I think it bears a little insight into why she's got this
indignation here.  I think I get it, but this is also a mood shift,
and considering where Haruhi's coming from....

> I jerked.  The voice came from behind me--not from that orange-haired
> woman at the bakery across the street.  No, the stranger was with me; we
> met under the clock, and I recognized her.  Her twin tails, the way she
> held her hands in front of her, together, and bowed slightly--how could
> I not?

Weird to me to think of Mori as twintailed instead of Kyouko.

Koizumi: You like ponytails, I like--
Kyon: Stop talking.

> "Well, let me stop before you hurt your back.  It's good seeing you, but
> why on earth would you call me out here?"

I have to admit, I didn't see Mori's involvement coming the first time
through.  It makes sense, and I can think of a number of reasons why
it works out that way.

But it still caught me completely by surprise.

> "I'm an actress," Mori-san began, "but I leave that persona on the stage
> or in my work.  Here, I'm just Mori Sono.  Or I would be, but even now,
> I still have a job to perform.  Do you know what that job is?"

Playing the most dangerous role the world has seen in centuries....

> She sighed.  "Of course.  That's a fair request.  You see, Arakawa-san
> and I discovered that, to one person's wishes, the world would respond."
> She opened her leather bag and took out a dark blue folder, laying a
> large-print photograph on top.  The cherry tree above us was weak and
> losing its blossoms.  The ones in the photo weren't.  It was a shot of
> the park by the canal.  The cherry trees were in full colors.  Two boys
> sat on a bench, watching a battle waitress, an alien witch, and their
> director marvel at the falling pink petals.  "If in the autumn, long
> after the cherry blossoms have fallen, she wanted it to look like
> spring, she would," said Mori-san, "but that's not all."  Another photo.
> "If, she found a flock of pigeons too dull in their gray colors, she'd
> make them white instead.  You see, Suzumiya-sama, we've known for some
> time what you can do.  Or, should I say, what you can do even without
> knowing you do it?"

she wanted it to look like spring, she would -- I think that 'she
would' should be an 'it would'?

A lot of dialog/narrative switches here.  I seem to recall once
hearing that you want to limit it to three in one paragraph, but
that's a rule-of-thumb, not something graven in stone.  I'd start a
new paragraph with "If in the autumn,"  You can also break 'Another
photo' out into its own paragraph for impact.

Like all of my suggestions, this is entirely optional.

> That's ridiculous.  What kind of creepy stalker are you?  Making up
> these stupid stories like you can convince me I'm something I'm not?
> Get out of here.  It was a change in the weather; that's all.  It was a
> coat of paint on healthy birds.  I didn't have anything to do with it.

I don't remember her seeing the birds.

> I don't know who you are, and I don't care to know, all right?  Get away
> from me, you creepy freak, you deluded woman!

Does Haruhi have any actions to go with these thoughts?  Maybe jumping
to her feet?  Looking around for other friends of this one creepy
stalker?

> "But you did!  You must've!  Whatever you want but are too stubborn
> admit, you make happen!  That's why you're dangerous.  That's why this
> has to stop.  You need to control this power, Suzumiya-sama.  You need
> to control it, control yourself, or shut it off.  I know you're a good
> person.  You don't want to hurt anyone, but in the back of our minds, we
> wish death on suffering on people all the time.  I'm not asking you to
> be inhumanly good and moral, but do the right thing.  You can't use
> these powers you have.  You can't make me and my friends keep watching
> you and babysitting you, waiting for the moment you'll destroy the
> world!  You must end it!  Shut off your powers and never use them
> again!"

Even though she's well spoken, this conveys a certain bitterness in
being assigned to her role that ...really makes Mori's argument
sympathetic, even though I also think she's going overboard (but,
maybe that's the plan).

I can only assume that it's intentional she doesn't tell Haruhi how
her powers have threatened Kyon.

> Like I even know how to shut anything off!  Like I'd not use them!
> Really?  Maybe you've been watching me, but it sounds like you don't
> know anything about who I am or how I think.  What I can do changes the
> reality of the world.  You'd have to be a fool to give that up, and
> _you're_ a fool for asking me to!  I don't care how it's ruined your
> life; you did that to yourself!  Leave me alone and never come back, or
> I don't know what I'll do to you!

Haruhi's being unreasonable here, but I can sympathize.

> "Look at me, Suzumiya Haruhi, unless you're afraid of what I have to
> say!"

Either Mori is misinformed, or this particular script was written in
anticipation of such a need a long time ago....  I know that Koizumi
at least knows Asakura's true nature, thanks to Kyon finally relaying
the story of Disappearance to him.  It's possible that Koizumi didn't
share that detail with her, or that she's pretending ignorance.  It
does make me wonder at their expectations, though ... they surely
don't expect the other factions to ignore this.

> "This is where the Asakura house should be," she said.  "It doesn't
> exist.  It never has.  She was removed from your school.  Her records
> point to nowhere.  Now tell me--what did she do to you?  Did she insult
> you?  Did she make you angry?"

Yuki: "Did she try to kill someone you liked a lot?  Repeatedly?

> "You would never?  You'd never send a poor boy to the hospital by
> sending a lightning bolt through his heart?  You'd never smack a girl on
> the back of her head while she was drunk and helpless, hoping to make
> her contact lens fly out?  I _do_ know who you are; do you know anything
> about yourself?"

Missed opportunities to point out Kyon and the Mikuru beam.  Must be
intentional on Mori's part.

> I balled my fists.  I trembled.  You know what, Mori-san?  Fuck you!
> I've not done anything wrong!

Mori: "How did you get that computer in your clubroom?"
Haruhi: "I've done nothing wrong _with my powers_."

> "Believe what I say or erase me."  She packed up her back, rising.  "I
> don't want to be in this world anymore, a world where I'm afraid your
> petty whims will twist everything I've ever known.  I want to focus on
> my acting again, but you won't let me do that.  Stop using this power.
> Stop before you hurt someone again."

Gyeah.  I can imagine that they didn't want to risk trying to have
Koizumi deliver this one (and based on later events, I suspect he
wasn't even told this was happening), but ... OW.

I think Kyon would have put it much more nicely, Haruhi.  You shoulda
stuck with him. :x

> This isn't how it's supposed to be.  It's supposed to be fun and
> exciting and incredible!  People shouldn't get hurt.  They shouldn't get
> blanked out like they were brushed over with correction fluid, never to
> be seen again.  I won't do that.  I _shouldn't_ do that.  I can't...

Yeah, and this is before anyone mentions Endless Eight to her.

> If something inside me gets angry
> with you, if it decides you should never be, I don't know how to stop
> it.  I don't know how...
>
> I don't know how.
>
> I don't know how.

Just, ow.  Making her own up to that must have been difficult.

> When you think about it calmly, though--when you've had a night to sleep
> on things and can sit on your bed, watching the sun light up the morning
> sky at dawn--there's really only one thing any reasonable person would
> do.  As the darkness turned to light, I got back up.  I changed into a
> new uniform.  I brushed my teeth.  I went downstairs and devoured
> breakfast--what else could I do, having missed dinner the night before?
> There'd be no supernatural rain on the walk to school, and any flowers
> that appeared at Taniguchi's hospital room would be from the florist,
> not any magic seeds growing outside his window.  I felt each step under
> my feet on the way to school, and not once did I wish for it to be even
> a meter shorter.  Through classes that day, I listened studiously.  Put
> everything else out of your mind while you work; that's the only way to
> get things done, after all.  Even in a short life of thirty-five years,
> you can have a great impact on the world.  Ask Masaoka, and he'd tell
> you, if he were still around--before his time, we had words for poems
> like _haiku_ and _tanka_, but he helped give them the name we know
> today, making them different, distinct, special.  These are the
> fundamental facts that make up the world--that the value of an analytic
> function on a boundary determines its values everywhere inside.  When
> you think about it, that's pretty magical, yet most people wouldn't even
> give it a second thought.

"There'd be no supernatural rain," -- this is a good sentence to start
a new paragraph.

"Even in a short life" -- this is another one.

And, I'd break that last sentence out on its own for impact again (but
I wonder now if I space things out too much).

> "I heard you fine," he insisted, "It's just... where's all this coming
> from?"

Haruhi: Kyon, do you remember what happened yesterday?
Kyon: Evidently, I didn't expect you to care, even though it seemed
pretty obvious you did.
Haruhi: Maybe it was because I turned over a new leaf and still opened
the conversation with an insult to you.
Kyon: That could be part of it.

I think Kyon would be concerned, but I'm not sure this leadup to the
following revelation really works.  I'm also noting that, effectively,
the promised Haruhi/Kyon conversation doesn't happen (in this entire
chapter).  Unless this little bit is all that there is, but that
seems, er....

Anyway.  I think he would attribute it to the very obviously traumatic
experience of seeing Taniguchi suffer significantly more (physical)
trauma.  Haruhi can let some other clue slip that leads to an esper
getting punched.

> Let's just say I had a long talk with someone I thought I knew.  That
> person set me straight, in a way.  You were right yesterday, Kyon:
> going about, making things happen without thinking about the
> consequences--it was reckless, and after what I did to Taniguchi, I
> can't ignore that.  The SOS Brigade is about finding the mysteries in
> this world.  I guess I'm one of those mysteries too, but for now, the
> lid's going back on Pandora's box to catch hope at the bottom.  I don't
> want people to be afraid of me.  I don't want to be afraid of myself.
> I'm just glad all of you were there yesterday.  Taniguchi needed you
> most, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't need you guys, too.  So
> thanks, all of you.  You're the best brigade a chief could have.

This sentiment feels kind of jarring after she just chided Kyon.
First, that she's agreeing that he's right after dismissing him, and
second that (after complaining about him), she includes him in 'the
best a brigade chief could have'.  Maybe have her think about making
that comment to Kyon and have her bite it back for once?

I think she's (they've all) been through enough to justify her calming
down a little, and Kyon will piss her off momentarily by punching
Koizumi anyway.

> Is this about the thing you wanted to talk to me about yesterday?
>
> "Not exactly.  I think you covered that.  It's just--who did you say you
> talked to?"

Really?  I think ... well, I guess he might actually leave it at that.
 Especially if he were distracted by the meddling.

Bah.  Well, if we had awesome communication, we wouldn't have as
awesome a story.

> I told him how Mori-san called my house yesterday and met me at the
> station.  I tried to stick to the facts of things.  Mori-san was some
> crazy stalker who knew I had this power for a long time and went mad
> over it.  That's why I'd rather not see her again, definitely not at our
> next mystery party, Koizumi-kun, but it hit home just how dangerous I
> can be, that I could do something horrible without even realizing it...

Bah again!  Kyon doesn't ask for details or pursue it further with
Haruhi.  Not that I can't see his reasons for it, but....  Eugh.

> That was just as well, I thought.  If the boys wanted to be private,
> well, I'd wondered for a while if Koizumi-kun and Kyon might have some
> sort of special friendship, considering the way they'd pair off and talk
> to each other from time to time.  Well, that's fine with me.
> Mikuru-chan and I could think up new costume ideas--or, well, I wanted
> to, but Mikuru-chan started getting all shy.  Well that's okay.  That's
> cute too.  Kyon and Koizumi-kun can't be allowed to have too much time
> to themselves.  The way we are here, we're practically guards for their
> stuff while they hash it out in the hall, with Koizumi-kun's bag on the
> table, and Kyon's...

Special friendship?  It's strange how she seems so unconcerned about
the idea of Kyon spending time with Koizumi or Nagato, considering her
last discussion with Kyon after....

> Wait, where did his bag go?  Did he take it?
>
> Kyon, you're up to something.

Yeah, but what?  He comes back, so I'm not sure why he took his bag
with him.  This action is out of place, but doesn't, erm ... have
logical justification?  It's the pin used to get Haruhi to see Koizumi
out in the hall (which ... also doesn't really change much, unless
Koizumi was going to run home and hide his injury).

If Kyon's secretly pissed, don't bother with the bag, just have Haruhi
piece together the clues after he leaves the room.  She's seen him get
angry enough, and she's perceptive.  Given the state of things, it
would also be entirely justifiable that she didn't figure it out until
after he was in the hall.

> I went into the hall, and there was no civil conversation taking place
> there.  Instead, I found only Koizumi-kun, sitting with his back to the
> wall and cradling his head.  There was a round welt on his cheek with a
> cut just below his eye.  Koizumi-kun, what happened here?  Kyon
> didn't--he couldn't have--did he _hit_ you?

Koizumi: Yeah, I let him.  I'm stronger and faster than him, after all.

> Mikuru-chan was quick with the first-aid kit, putting ointment and a
> sticky bandage on Koizumi-kun's wound, but for the rest of the day, he
> wouldn't explain to me exactly what Kyon was angry about or why it
> happened.  He just said that Kyon accused him of being involved in
> something he wasn't, that the only way Kyon could be convinced to leave
> instead of accusing him further was to promise to make amends anyway.
> But what was it for?

I'm not sure this response feels right for Kyon.  If she notices a
missing bag, then, I think it would make more sense if Kyon perhaps
took Koizumi's bag, expecting to send Koizumi off somewhere, and then
went for a walk to calm down (but ... keep in mind, this is Kyon.
We've seen him get genuinely angry as many times as Sasaki will admit
that it happened to her -- once).  So, Kyon being angry about this ...
I can actually see, but leaving things the way he did, I'm not sure I
can.

Actually hitting Koizumi?  Kyon?  Okay -- so he's pushed that far.

In times of trouble, Kyon goes to his friends (even if he doesn't
count Koizumi among them at the moment); he doesn't go off on his own.
 And if he's desperate and thinks the others can't be relied on, I'd
expect
he'd be going towards the nuclear option, not just punching Koizumi.
Plus, Haruhi has sharp hearing, so having it out in the hall doesn't
make a lot of sense either.

I think I get what you're going for, but I'm not sure the delivery
really works out for this scene.  Part of what bothers me is that the
setup suggests Kyon's preparing to unexpectedly bail on the entire
brigade for reasons unknown.  That could just be me/my interpretation.

> "A private matter," Koizumi-kun had said.  "That is all I'm permitted to
> say for now.  You understand, of course."
>
> Actually, I don't.  You should be careful with secrets, Koizumi-kun.
> I'll permit this for now, but I'll demand an explanation when it suits
> me.  Got it?

This is (and I feel strange saying it), a little _too_ tolerant of
Haruhi.  Remember how she reacted when Kyon bolted from Yuki's
apartment without adequate explanation.  "Let's hear why, and make it
good!"  This is equally inexplicable on Kyon's part (and she should be
able to realize that it has some bearing on her, given Kyon's
questions and behavior).  I think it might actually work better if
Haruhi asks without demanding, and Koizumi is evasive.

Instead of her saying that, she can reflect that she's got enough
going on that she still needs to calm down herself (and maybe wonder
what's up with Kyon), so she'll let it go 'for now'.  Especially
since:

> "With the Brigade Chief's orders, I have no choice but to comply."

At this point, I'd expect Haruhi to be hypersensitive to the idea of
people not having a choice when it comes to her whims.  This is either
incredibly great, or horrifyingly poor word choice on Koizumi's part,
depending on what he's trying to pull off.

> I'd like to say I got more out of Koizumi-kun than that, but I didn't.
> He kept his mouth utterly shut about whatever happened that day, and
> Kyon, after taking a walk around the building to cool off, was the same.
> I pressed them a bit, but neither budged, and I let it go.  They didn't
> fight any more, not in my sight, so I considered the matter settled.
> There were more important things to think about anyway.

Also, in this scene, we now have Haruhi prodding at Koizumi, where in
the previous scene, she was going to let it go.

Still not sure what Kyon needed his bag for.  And I'm ... really
surprised that Haruhi lets it go that easily?  If she earnestly thinks
Kyon's just being a jerk (which ... from her perspective, she has
reason to think, even with Koizumi's 'misunderstanding' dismissal), I
think she'd see this as a threat to the stability of the brigade,
which should be (at this point) even more important to her than when
this story started.

OTOH ... if Haruhi's nervous about being alone with Kyon because she
thinks some lecture on responsibility is still coming, and she's
subtly avoiding him on an unconscious level (thinking any of his
irritation is at her), then that could explain her behavior.  But if
that's what you're going for, I think it needs to be brought into
Haruhi's PoV a bit more so we can more clearly see that.

> We'll shout until the world is tired of hearing us.  That's a promise.

Kyon: I've got a head-start on the rest of the world.

> To patch things up after a rough week, the SOS Brigade had a weekend
> outing planned, Tsuruya-san had been invited to an event late Saturday
> afternoon, I knew it was the perfect way to start looking at life with
> fresh eyes.  There's nothing more invigorating than an afternoon under
> the sun, with the wind at your back and a healthy glare coming off the
> bleachers.  Put on some lotion and wear a cap.  Bring some towels to
> stay cool, and I hope you have a scorecard to keep track.  That's right;
> it's exactly what you're thinking.

I would break that first sentence into two, right at: ...planned, Tsuruya-san

lotion -- sunblock (?)

> I'd made it to the station by three-thirty, suited up and ready for
> battle.  Make no mistake:  baseball _is_ a battle.  No, strike that:
> baseball is more like war.  Battles are small.  They tide of combat can
> turn quickly.  Wars are grander, bigger.  Whenever a battle is won or
> lost, the strategy of a war changes.  When a pass is taken, the
> commanding general is emboldened to press a more vicious attack.  The
> same's true in baseball.  When the bases are loaded and it's a
> three-ball count, you can swing aggressively.  And if you think the
> pitcher knows that, maybe it's time to be sneaky and put down a squeeze.
> All your strategy changes from play to play, pitch to pitch.  That's why
> baseball can be exciting well after the game's been played.  You can
> look back and say, 'This was the situation: bottom of the ninth, man on
> third, two outs, cleanup hitter on deck.  Should I challenge this number
> three hitter, or do I risk walking him and facing someone worse?'  And
> if you're a fan of numbers and statistics, maybe the answer is
> clear-cut.  There's a best choice based on how well the batters hit, how
> often they hit the ball out, and so on.  That's baseball exactly.
> Everything tends to be discrete.  You win, or you lose.  You reach first
> base, or you swing away and the ball flies by.  Safe or out.  Ball or
> strike.  There's no in-between, and there's precious little chance to
> play revisionist history and fix a decision, even if it was a mistake.

I suggest turning this into a few paragraphs.

> It was a woman's voice--low and gravely, distorted with age.  She wore a
> red _yukata_ and had long, flowing hair--all gray, but still beautifully
> kept.  She walked slowly, easing her weight on a single steel rod with
> rubber ends, a baton-like cane.

Not sure I get this reference.  Actually ... I'm sure I don't. >.>

> With the old woman beside me, I flipped the coin.  It tumbled, end over
> end.  It kicked off my knuckled, rolling away, and I jogged to chase
> after it.

kicked -- bounced
knuckled -- knuckles

> "You see?" the old woman went on.  "Even now, you hold on to that thing.
> You dare not let it disappear.  Where are you going, Child?  Where are
> you going that you need a hundred-yen coin so badly?"

Child or Young Lady, which is it, Old Bag?

*is promptly flattened by a rubber-tipped steel cane*

...ow.

> "So that's what you think?  Interesting.  Well, for all our sakes, I
> hope you know what you're headed for.  There are people--on this plane
> and others--who wish to see you repeat history.  That wouldn't be a very
> fair choice, would it?"
>
> What are you talking about?

I'd like to know, too....

> Who are you, Grandma?
>
> "Just an old friend of yours," she said, limping away on her cane.
> "Don't worry.  We'll see each other again soon."

Haruhi: "I hate future me."
K:BDH Kyon: "Don't get me started!"

> What the?  Does everyone in the world know who I am?  Wait a minute--you
> can't just walk away from me!

Ouch.  Oh, Haruhi ... not enjoying that your wish to be the center of
the universe came true?

> It's not that I don't like the Tigers.  It's just that I have a good
> memory, and I've been there before.  That day was a summer day, too.

This is a good place for a scene-break, since it's another spot for
introspection followed immediately by a time-skip.

> The six of us had gathered by about four-thirty, and we took the bus
> south, toward the stadium.  Already, the route was packed with people.
> A young boy listened to the radio through tiny earbuds, telling his
> father the starting lineups.  Two girls across from us ate happily from
> FamilyMart boxed lunches, which had been relabeled "FamilyMurton"
> lunches in honor of the American right fielder.  Baseball was in the
> air, and Tiger fever is eternal.  That much hasn't changed in the last
> five years.  The fans were just as enthusiastic, regardless of the
> standings or the weather.  When you get to Koshien, there's only one
> thing that matters:  baseball's going to be played, and if it's Hanshin
> at home, then they're the only ones to root for.  For a little girl in
> her sixth year of primary school, it was stunning to me how that mass
> mentality had taken hold.  That much I haven't forgotten.

Suggest starting a new paragraph at 'Baseball was in the air', or
possibly the next sentence.

> "This isn't a coincidence.  Someone's screwing with us, screwing with
> you."

screwing with us, screwing with you -- screwing with us; screwing with
you (technically, you could use an em-dash in place of that semicolon,
but it's the punctuation I use to indicate a correction, so ... I fail
it!)

> How could they do that?  How could a mysterious sender know Koshien is a
> special place to me?  Oh, I get it.  The mysterious sender is you!

Suggest new paragraph for 'Oh, I get it,' for impact.

> Mikuru-chan, Koizumi-kun, and Yuki had never been to Koshien before, so
> before we cleared the gate, Tsuruya-san resolved to lead us on a grand
> tour.  The ivy was thinner than I remembered, but the monument to Ruth
> had stood enduring.  We bought Mikuru-chan a Tigers cap, which she wore
> lightly, hoping not to mess up her hair too much, and we squeezed
> through the always-narrow, crowded aisles, securing our seats.  With ice
> packs from the vendor to keep us cool, we waited for first pitch as the
> stadium filled.  It doesn't hold as many people as it used to, either.
> The program said official capacity was just forty-eight thousand after
> renovations.  Does a change of seven thousand people make that much of a
> difference?  When they all shout together and cheer, no, it really
> doesn't.  You can hear crowd clearly, yet if you go just a kilometer or
> two away, their combined voices would be sound like little more than a
> whisper.  You might think you have the loudest, most enthusiastic fans
> gathered together in one place--and you might even be right--but that
> doesn't make them that unique or special.  Anyone can be fanatical about
> something.  Anyone can shout and holler.  That doesn't make them
> special.

Suggest starting a new paragraph with, "It doesn't hold", and again
at, "you can hear".

Also, you can be subtle about it, but this is a good opportunity to
put in a detail about Mikuru actually putting her initials on her cap
before she wears it.  Easy enough for Haruhi to roll her eyes at
Mikuru both for taking the precaution before she even wears it once,
and to also be carrying a marker in her purse.

> The game got off to a quick start.  After Iwata put Yomiuri down in the
> top of the first, Hanshin went to bat.  Murton led off, watching a third
> strike fly by.  The center fielder, Hirano, singled up the middle.
> Then, Toritani came up and hit a weak ball to short, which was thrown
> past first, giving Hirano third.  A walk and a sacrifice fly gave the
> Tigers a one-run lead, and let me tell you, though it was still an out,
> the crowd roared for it.  You could feel the excitement around you.  It
> was electric.  Seeing almost fifty-thousand people stand and cheer, you
> can't help but feel like the world is so much bigger than you.

I gotta admit, baseball is incredibly boring to me.  Always has been.

> I looked down; I stayed in my seat.  Kyon was right.  Being here again
> was getting to me.  I remembered so clearly what I'd thought that day,
> five years ago:  if my class at school was just one of many, how could
> any of us be special?  Why couldn't I be special and different?  Through
> three years in middle school, nothing had changed.  Even our first year
> in high school, nothing changed, or so I thought.  If Mori-san had been
> right, I'd changed long before the new term began.  I'd altered things,
> made them the way I wanted, without even realizing it.  I'm special, but
> I can't show it.  I shouldn't.

I'd suggest starting a new paragraph with 'Or so I thought' (which can
also be its own sentence).  I'm making a lot of suggestions to break
your paragraphs up; they are only suggestions, and you can easily
ignore them!

> But I was tempted.  By the top of the seventh, night had fallen, and it
> was 4-2 Hanshin.  Not much had happened since Murton hit a two-run
> double in the fourth, giving the Tigers a lead again.  With a quick
> strikeout from the new pitcher, Enokida, the fans around us started
> getting out their balloons.

I think Haruhi's temptation deserves a little more attention.  Just a
bit about how she's frustrated and not really enjoying it as much as
she wants to, etc.

> What happened to that woman on the steps--that's just a stupid accident.
> It's nobody's fault.  It's not my fault.

And then....

> "An innocent person needed your help, and you coldly turned your back on
> her.  You've yearned to call yourself unique, yet you reject what makes
> you special so easily.  Even the plight of another isn't enough to bring
> that out.  How boring."

This is great.  It's just as over-the-top as Mori, in the opposite direction.

Awah....  I need a minute.

Okay.  So, you've got two amazingly intense scenes in this chapter,
and this is one of them.

Just ... wooow.

> 'We?'
>
> "We're very interested in you.  We know what you can do.  Your power
> makes you more special than you realize.  I could tell you so very
> much."

As a personal note (and this is only my opinion), I am pretty sure
that the IDSE wants its existence to be hidden from Haruhi.  What she
doesn't know exists, it should be harder for her to change.  So, any
time the IDSE is revealed to Haruhi, it always surprises me a little
... but then, Asakura doesn't really betray its existence, here;
instead, I realize this could be a ploy to try and sow mistrust
between Haruhi and Yuki.

But that's all me.

Intense stuff.

> Without even a hint of anger in her voice, the invisible girl answered.
> "You're as single-minded as ever, Suzumiya-san.  Tell me:  would you
> walk away even if that makes me kill every person in this stadium?"

I just can't believe that Ryouko _really_ thinks anyone is going to
let her get away with killing the entire stadium (if nothing else,
Yuki will protect Haruhi and Kyon anyway).  Not that Haruhi has anyway
to know that.

> "Good," she intoned.  "Did you even realize what you did?  You changed
> the properties of  your rods slightly, giving them sensitivity to
> near-infrared.  You didn't even know it, but you found a wavelength of
> light my cloak doesn't shield against.  It's the sort of thing we hoped
> you would do."

Ryouko: "Villain?  Miss Exposition?  Why not both~!"
Kyon: "Such a diva."
Haruhi: "Excuse me!  I'm really stressed out about her threatening to
kill people; can you stop joking around!?"
Kyon: "You really do get used to it from her, you know."

> "This space is under my jurisdiction now," said the voice.  "As for how
> I'll kill these people, I think I'll use an idea from you."

Or is she trying to make people think that Haruhi did it, instead of her?

> Slowly, subtly, the empty balloons that fluttered to earth began to
> halt.  Cups of soda floated from their holders.  No, no, no--you can't
> do this.  I did this.  What the hell are you that can do this, too?

Ryouko: Ctrl+a, ctrl+c, ctrl+v!"

> The crowd murmured--a panicked, sudden cry.  People gripped their seats,
> clawed for something to hold on to.  Those who couldn't rose from the
> stands--not on their own two feet but from inertia.  The earth beneath
> them was spinning, yet its pull of gravity no longer held them to the
> ground.

The way you describe it, sounds like they're stationary, relative to a
rotating earth.

Maybe, "The earth beneath them hadn't fallen apart," or something like that?

> "I've wondered how long a fall it takes to kill a human," said the
> voice.  "I've wondered how much that height varies with size and shape
> and weight.  We're going to have an experiment, Suzumiya-san.  We're
> going to watch all these people as they fall, one-by-one, back to the
> ground and die.  It's going to be a wonderful source of data on organic
> life, on the reactions of cells and the body to trauma.  If we can't
> observe your power, Suzumiya-san, this will do for now.  It'll be
> fascinating seeing how _you_ react to it.  So tell me--are you so
> stubborn you won't help these people?  Are you so resistant to using
> your power again you'd let me kill them?  You must return gravity to
> this place quickly, before the fall is too great.  What will you do, hm?
> I'll be very interested to find out!"

Kuyou: "It turns out I can answer the question about fall length for
you.  Three stories, more-or-less."
Ryouko: "Oh, well, that certainly eliminates the need for this
'levitation' business, then!"
Haruhi: "Thank god!"
Ryouko: "I'll just stab them all instead!"

> People.  Thousands of people, all being used to get to me.  What does
> everyone know that I don't?  Mori-san, the old woman, now this
> invisible, maniacal girl.  I don't know what to do.  I won't erase
> another person.  I won't strike anyone else down.  I can't be
> responsible for anything like that, but I can't let all these people be
> treated like discarded toys and stomped underfoot, either!  There are
> children here.

Nice way to showcase Mori's little lesson.

> My friends are here.  Tsuruya-san, Koizumi-kun, Mikuru-chan, Kyon--
>
> THWAP!

Hmm....  Did ... worrying about Kyon get Yuki through, somehow?

> The mystical, shimmering light went to black.  The stands rumbled; the
> spectators fell to their seats.  Some cried out as they landed.  Others
> stood up in disbelief.  And in front of me, the invisible girl had been
> made clear.  She wore a North High uniform, and a single metal spear cut
> through her shoulder, with seeping blood staining her clothes near the
> wound.  Her hair was long and dark and flowing.

How far did they fall?  Or how quickly?  We don't know how far they
were lifted yet.

> "Oh my."  She pulled the spear out and cast it aside.  "How very
> unexpected.  Well, it looks like your powers won't be needed today.
> I've overstepped and been disciplined, but there are others like me who
> want to meet with you.  You know where to find me."

Kyon: "Unexpected?  Sarcasm's _my_ thing."
Ryouko: "I actually did expect to succeed, though!"
Kyon: "I didn't realize you were such an optimist."

> I didn't get a clear look, but I saw enough.  In the gate to the next
> section over, a girl with pale hair walked away, tucking a green
> hardcover under her arm.

Haruhi: "You'll never believe me, but Ryouko is an evil psychopath!"
Kyon: "...I didn't think that'd be what prompted it, but I must
confess that I love you now.  We perfectly agree on that issue."
Haruhi: "No!  I'm serious!  She's really--  Wait, what?"


Okay.  Ah ... I think there were a few typos I caught the first time
through which ... I missed the second time through.  Dangit.

Specifically, there was a 'he' that should be a 'she'.  Yeah ...
that's really specific and helpful. >_>

ANYWAY!

This was a very intense chapter.  Generally, other than what I've
outlined above, I really liked it.  Watching Haruhi grow (and react to
how she's being manipulated) is amazing.  I still feel it's weird to
have Haruhi using Kyon's narrative trick, but I guess it's just
'SHnY'-styled.

I'm not 100% solid on your Kyon, but that's mostly around one scene
(and Kyon+anger is hard to do well).

Erm ... other than that, was so distracted by the awesome, I couldn't
provide better commentary?  Thank you for sharing, and I hope my
commentary helps you in some way. :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
terrible webpage:
http://pishoque.net/brian/