[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Three

[Michael Clark]

> > blow out, and even if they don't, odds are you'll still hear ringing
> > when it's quiet at night.  I know I do.
>
> The shift in person and tense confuses me a bit. Is it something that
> she suffers from "now", years after the events in question?

The short answer would be "yes," but I admit that, if getting that
across comes at the cost of jarring people, it's probably not a point
worth making.
>
> > I'd seen it before.  The ambulance pulled up to the [school] gate.
>
> I suggest adding that in to better reestablish the scene.
>
> > They carried Taniguchi into the ambulance, and this time, the medics
> > insisted on no passengers.  The crowd of bystanders dispersed.  I
> > don't know when I forgot to protect myself,
>
> Who do they make this insistence to? Is this in response to somebody's
> request?

Haruhi's.  I'll make that clearer.
>
> > "Haruhi."  Kyon stepped up behind me, following my gaze.  "We should
> > go."
>
> Why does her gaze cover behind her?

Heh.  Good point.
>
> > costume, but that... put a damper on things.  We should've been the
> > only ones there, but I swear I saw a girl running just out of sight.
>
> How does this work? Haruhi is sweeping her gaze over and the girl
> keeps running to stay just at the edge of vision? I could see standing
> at the edge of vision and then having Haruhi's gaze distracted
> elsewhere, but running implies a duration of time.

I'll probably rework this to something like she *thinks* she sees a
skirt flutter, but when she tries to focus on it, the culprit is already
out of view.
>
> > No sooner than I did, he went on for five minutes straight about the
> > date we'd go on, the film we'd see, the restaurant he'd take me to,
> > and then--the ultimate in wishful thinking--if we needed a "leisure
> > hotel" for a few hours afterward, what kind of accessories we'd need
> > for our stay.
>
> The No seems out of place here. Perhaps as soon as I did. And he's
> being remarkably crass here. Why wouldn't Haruhi suspect that it was a
> deliberate faux pas? If he had simply been ordered to run under her
> radar then why wouldn't he use a line that she had recently rejected?

It is probably too much here, but I was working the anecdote like he
really thought steps one and two would happen.
>
> > part-time job that sounded too demanding to be healthy.
>
> Calling him away from school is pushing it. Perhaps if this was after
> school rather than at lunch or if he claimed a family emergency?
>
> > this person--this girl who yanks a boy into her bedroom, who strikes
> > down people because they were being annoying?  What'll she do next?
>
> Into or just to her bedroom door? Is this a rewrite?
>
To her bedroom door.

> > friends.  It's Suzumiya-chan, isn't it?  From East Middle?"
>
> How would she know her name?
>
Her son did spend three years with Haruhi in middle school.  Whether
that's enough for her to know Haruhi's name and face by now... I thought
it was plausible.  I guess she could explain how she knows Haruhi in a
sentence.

> > Kyon offered to walk me home, but I refused him.  It wouldn't be on
> > the way for him, after all.  It wouldn't be convenient.
>
> Where is his bike?
>
Hm, they did put two people on that bike at some point after all?  I was
thinking they did, but I couldn't place where.

> > It was a coat of paint on healthy birds.  I didn't have anything to
> > do with it.
>
> Did Haruhi ever return to see the changed birds?

No, she's justifying what she sees on the photo that Mori's showing her.
>
> > person.  You don't want to hurt anyone, but in the back of our
> > minds, we wish death [or] suffering on people all the time.
>
> > "Isn't that what happened to Asakura Ryoko?"
>
> The Agency knows better surely?
>
They absolutely do.  Mori knows what she's saying is inaccurate.

> > Kyon, after taking a walk around the building to cool off, was the
> > same.  I pressed them a bit, but neither budged, and I let it go.
> > They didn't fight any more, not in my sight, so I considered the
> > matter settled.  There were more important things to think about
> > anyway.
>
> So Kyon returned that same day?
>
I was a bit negligent here.  Originally, he left outright (hence the
bag).  I changed it because I thought that was too much, but then I
didn't fix the detail of the bag.  I'll have to think about that one.

> > It kicked off my knuckled,
>
> I don't understand this part.
>

Probably better if it catches a fingertip.

> > "You see?" the old woman went on.  "Even now, you hold on to that
> > thing.  You dare not let it disappear.  Where are you going, Child?
> > Where are you going[,] that you need a hundred-yen coin so badly?"
>
> Would a comma be needed there?
>
> > That much hasn't changed in the last five years.
>
> The timing of that game has always bothered me. It gets squeezed out
> so that neither Sasaki nor Taniguchi notices the change.
>
> > "We're very interested in you.  We know what you can do.  Your power
> > makes you more special than you realize.  I could tell you so very
> > much."
>
> Why isn't Yuki there already?
>
> Also when a data entity overrides physics the espers become empowered.
> c.f. Mysterious Sign.

You think Koizumi should be empowered by the time Asakura appears or
only when she exerts full jurisdiction on the stadium?  If it's the
former, yeah, I'll have to think about that.  If it's the latter, I
don't see how it's of consequence:  Asakura's "disciplined" in one shot
anyway.

As for Nagato, the best thing to say would be that if Asakura
overstepped in raising thousands of people from their seats, Nagato
would be overstepping if she interfered before.  That's my theory of it,
anyway.

Thanks as always, Henry.

-MC