[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Three

[Henry Cobb]

On Sun, Aug 28, 2011 at 10:46 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> blow out, and even if they don't, odds are you'll still hear ringing
> when it's quiet at night.  I know I do.

The shift in person and tense confuses me a bit. Is it something that
she suffers from "now", years after the events in question?

> I'd seen it before.  The ambulance pulled up to the [school] gate.

I suggest adding that in to better reestablish the scene.

> They carried Taniguchi into the ambulance, and this time, the medics
> insisted on no passengers.  The crowd of bystanders dispersed.  I don't
> know when I forgot to protect myself,

Who do they make this insistence to? Is this in response to somebody's request?

> "Haruhi."  Kyon stepped up behind me, following my gaze.  "We should
> go."

Why does her gaze cover behind her?

> costume, but that... put a damper on things.  We should've been the only
> ones there, but I swear I saw a girl running just out of sight.

How does this work? Haruhi is sweeping her gaze over and the girl
keeps running to stay just at the edge of vision? I could see standing
at the edge of vision and then having Haruhi's gaze distracted
elsewhere, but running implies a duration of time.

> No sooner than I did, he went on for
> five minutes straight about the date we'd go on, the film we'd see, the
> restaurant he'd take me to, and then--the ultimate in wishful
> thinking--if we needed a "leisure hotel" for a few hours afterward, what
> kind of accessories we'd need for our stay.

The No seems out of place here. Perhaps as soon as I did. And he's
being remarkably crass here. Why wouldn't Haruhi suspect that it was a
deliberate faux pas? If he had simply been ordered to run under her
radar then why wouldn't he use a line that she had recently rejected?

> part-time job that sounded too demanding to be healthy.

Calling him away from school is pushing it. Perhaps if this was after
school rather than at lunch or if he claimed a family emergency?

> this person--this girl who yanks a boy into her bedroom, who strikes
> down people because they were being annoying?  What'll she do next?

Into or just to her bedroom door? Is this a rewrite?

> friends.  It's Suzumiya-chan, isn't it?  From East Middle?"

How would she know her name?

> Kyon offered to walk me home, but I refused him.  It wouldn't be on the
> way for him, after all.  It wouldn't be convenient.

Where is his bike?

> It was a
> coat of paint on healthy birds.  I didn't have anything to do with it.

Did Haruhi ever return to see the changed birds?

> person.  You don't want to hurt anyone, but in the back of our minds, we
> wish death [or] suffering on people all the time.

> "Isn't that what happened to Asakura Ryoko?"

The Agency knows better surely?

> Kyon, after taking a walk around the building to cool off, was the same.
> I pressed them a bit, but neither budged, and I let it go.  They didn't
> fight any more, not in my sight, so I considered the matter settled.
> There were more important things to think about anyway.

So Kyon returned that same day?

> It kicked off my knuckled,

I don't understand this part.

> "You see?" the old woman went on.  "Even now, you hold on to that thing.
> You dare not let it disappear.  Where are you going, Child?  Where are
> you going[,] that you need a hundred-yen coin so badly?"

Would a comma be needed there?

> That much hasn't changed in the last
> five years.

The timing of that game has always bothered me. It gets squeezed out
so that neither Sasaki nor Taniguchi notices the change.

> "We're very interested in you.  We know what you can do.  Your power
> makes you more special than you realize.  I could tell you so very
> much."

Why isn't Yuki there already?

Also when a data entity overrides physics the espers become empowered.
c.f. Mysterious Sign.

-HJC