[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Two

[Michael Clark]

> > I pressed a button on my phone, and the white light went out.
> > You're weird, Kyon.
>
> Ouch.  This whole scene was painful, especially Haruhi's 'Maybe' to
> Kyon's 'you'd dump me after three minutes'.
>
> I guess it's just disheartening to see Haruhi revert because she found
> something shiny.  I have to hope she grows up before she does
> something truly terrible....

Seems that that "maybe" didn't come across the way I wanted, meaning it
more like "maybe I would, but maybe I wouldn't".  I guess if I were to
change it, it'd be something like, "you'd dump me after three minutes"
-> "is that what you think?"

I look at this from Kyon's perspective a bit.  He did encourage Haruhi
after it all looked like nothing would come of this coin business.  Is
that sympathy?  Is he genuinely tired of cleaning up Haruhi's messes and
wants her to actually grow up, which she can't do if she's kept in the
dark?  Probably a little of both, but as with anyone who makes an
instinctive choice, it's not something he's come to terms with yet.
What he sees right in front of him is a Haruhi who's taken his advice
and run way farther with it than he ever thought would happen.  He's
backing off.  I think Haruhi has a right to be annoyed, at least, but I
admit the passage in question may come off as more than simply annoyed.

> > "This isn't a joke or petty resistance for the sake of being
> > stubborn; I mean it!  I don't want you to turn the world upside-down
> > on a whim, Haruhi!  Stop this!  I'm beginning you--no, I'm _telling_
> > you--this needs to end!"
>
> I genuinely feel Kyon's concern here.  I mean, he's faced potential
> death because of Haruhi's powers, so her irresponsibility is not at
> all funny to him.
>
> I completely sympathize.
>
> This also makes me wonder why the Brigade doesn't try and take a more
> constructive guiding role, here, especially since it seems quite
> likely that Haruhi's going to become enraged (and be irresponsible
> with her power in the process) if she feels she's been deceived.

On the heels of what Haruhi's done in this chapter, someone may take the
lead and do just that.

> > Kyon tensed up.  "Ah, she just, er, she said she would think about
> > it, right, Asahina-san?"
>
> And there goes the Idiot Ball....  (
> http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall )

I'm not sure I follow.  An idiot ball has consequences.  It's essential
to fuel a plot.  There are no consequences to this bit.  It just
explains why Asahina isn't already in the club room making tea.

> > I, um, _adjusted_ my clothes a little bit and straightened my hair.
> > A brigade chief should never look unprepared.  I undid the lock and
> > said the only thing that seemed appropriate.
> >
> > "How many times is it I've found you sneaking into my room now?"
>
> And she was way more understanding and awesome about it last time,
> just sayin'.  Considering he landed _on top of her_ and woke her
> up....  This time, she knows it's her responsibility (it's not like
> there's any possibility it was him, here), and...

I wrote this passage with Haruhi seriously *not getting it*.  In
hindsight, I do think that was a mistake, even though I think it
justifiable that she might not realize that she warped him into her own
house.  It brings too many things into question--that if she did realize
she teleported Kyon, what followed might be avoided.

In all seriousness, though, I'd intended Haruhi's remark to be pretty
light.  She should say it with a grin (and I think I'll add that), and
not necessarily a scheming grin either.

> > "Spit it out," I said.  "People don't just blink out of existence in
> > one place and reappear in another.  You'll have to do better than
> > that."
>
> Kyon: They do when you make them.  Haruhi: But I'm not going to admit
> that, and you won't call me on it.  Kyon: And risk you discovering
> your powers?  Haruhi: I already know I have powers.  Kyon: ...well,
> Mikuru passed me this ball....

In keeping with the above, Kyon doesn't want to make her aware that she
teleported him.  He's trying to put the brakes on this quick development
of her powers and make sure she's actually got the sense of
responsibility to use it properly.

> > "Because."  He shoved his hands in his pockets as we made it to the
> > far side of the street.  "A brigade chief's wrath is harrowing
> > enough, make no mistake, but in the end, I don't think anyone is
> > seriously afraid you'll bring an end to the world or anything like
> > that."
> >
> > I'm not so intimidating anymore, you mean?
>
> Did she previously have any idea she had that scale of power?

She doesn't.  It's a slip from Kyon that she doesn't notice.

> > It was getting late.  The shadows were growing long, and as we
> > rounded the slopes of the hill, Kyon's house made itself visible
> > about a hundred meters down the road.  That could be the first thing
> > I do, Kyon:  level off this whole god-forsaken route so people don't
> > have heart attacks traversing it every morning.
>
> The hill is by his school, I think.  I'm under the impression the
> territory around his house is pretty flat.
>
> But I don't know that.
>
Truthfully I thought the exact topography of what's between Haruhi's
house and Kyon's to be fair game.  Admittedly, it may be unlikely that
their two homes contain the hill in-between.

> > "I know I dodged this earlier," he began, "but let me say this now:
> > it's not just the others who trust in you, Haruhi.  When I met you a
> > year ago, I thought you were reckless and sociopathic--"
> >
> > Way to be gentle, Kyon.
>
> Oh, try and deny it, Haruhi.  You can afford to be genuinely
> magnanimous now.

You're right; it may up the warm and fuzzy factor by having her insist
she's changed and Kyon agreeing.

> > "Whoa, Haruhi, no."  He caught my hand.  He pushed on my shoulder.
> > We stumbled apart.  He tripped over Father's loafers, slamming his
> > ass on the concrete.
>
> Eh?

This probably needs some clarification.  The mechanics of it--that he
took off the shoes and then tripped over them--and the reasoning of
it--that a physical encounter with Haruhi is something he'd want to
avoid.  The latter requires a theory of why he wants to avoid that, of
which several are plausible.  I think there's a workable angle to
expound upon this point.

> > "Kyon-kun!"  A girl bolted through the front door, running to him
> > along the path.  "Kyon-kun, what happened?" asked his little sister.
> > "One minute you were in your room, and the next you'd gone!  Mother
> > says you'll be in big trouble for this!"
>
> Aside: No cell phone?  No one called him?

I guess it depends on whether Kyon's likely to keep his phone in his
pocket at all times or lay it on his desk momentarily when he gets
beamed away, so to speak.

> > So all this was just an inconvenience for you, huh, Kyon?
>
> ...really.  She teleports him across town, he opens up to her, and she
> reacts like the first second things stop going exactly as she wanted
> them?
>
> > So I took Father's shoes and left.  Even if I could've beamed myself
> > back home in a heartbeat (and maybe I can, who knows?), I would've
> > walked the whole way three times over to get that bastard's touch
> > out of my head.
>
> ...stopping here.

I can see changing this part, to be honest.  The only important part
going into the final scene is that Haruhi be in a volatile state.
Whether that's from anger and frustration or uncertainty and doubt is
somewhat immaterial.  She could realize, at this point, that she
teleported Kyon to her house, subconsciously trying to sate her own
desires and be appalled.  That would be decidedly more sympathetic and
catalyze a different aspect of deconstructing her psyche:  that she
could become something to fear.  It *is* clear, throughout this scene,
that though Kyon has confidence in her, he's also afraid of what she
might do if she were to be irresponsible.  It's an aspect that can be
played up.  I'm not sold on whether it's the best thing to do, though.
It fits with Haruhi, but I'm not sure it fits the story.  It's something
I'm going to have to think about.
>
> Thanks for sharing; I'm sorry I couldn't give more constructive
> criticism, but I felt I should at least try and return the favor.
> Thanks for sharing; you seem to have a good idea of what you're doing
> with your story.
>
> Good luck with it! :)

No sir, I'm the one who should be thanking you.  I can tell that a lot
of the things I've done with this story have not sat personally as well
as I might've liked, but I can appreciate that you stuck it out and did
everything you could to provide meaningful feedback and critique as long
as you could bear.  The opportunity to rethink things I took for granted
is something I greatly welcome.

Thanks again,
Michael Clark