[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Two

[Brian Randall]

On Fri, Aug 12, 2011 at 10:40 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> I look at this from Kyon's perspective a bit.  He did encourage Haruhi
> after it all looked like nothing would come of this coin business.  Is
> that sympathy?  Is he genuinely tired of cleaning up Haruhi's messes and
> wants her to actually grow up, which she can't do if she's kept in the
> dark?  Probably a little of both, but as with anyone who makes an
> instinctive choice, it's not something he's come to terms with yet.
> What he sees right in front of him is a Haruhi who's taken his advice
> and run way farther with it than he ever thought would happen.  He's
> backing off.  I think Haruhi has a right to be annoyed, at least, but I
> admit the passage in question may come off as more than simply annoyed.

This is not very well shown from Haruhi's PoV.

>> This also makes me wonder why the Brigade doesn't try and take a more
>> constructive guiding role, here, especially since it seems quite
>> likely that Haruhi's going to become enraged (and be irresponsible
>> with her power in the process) if she feels she's been deceived.
>
> On the heels of what Haruhi's done in this chapter, someone may take the
> lead and do just that.

...kinda feels like they're being really irresponsible and careless,
IMO, by not acting faster and being more honest.

>> And there goes the Idiot Ball....  (
>> http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall )
>
> I'm not sure I follow.  An idiot ball has consequences.  It's essential
> to fuel a plot.  There are no consequences to this bit.  It just
> explains why Asahina isn't already in the club room making tea.

Maybe unintentional on your part?  Felt like people kept doing stupid
things/dropping really obvious hints to anger Haruhi to motivate her
actions.

Could just be me.

> In all seriousness, though, I'd intended Haruhi's remark to be pretty
> light.  She should say it with a grin (and I think I'll add that), and
> not necessarily a scheming grin either.

I have to admit, Haruhi's behavior with her power makes me unable to
see humor, here.  Kyon just got _ripped through space_ against his
will because Haruhi's busy being tsundere (while, haha, appropriately
enough, engaged in something completely self-serving).  I somehow
don't think he'd be getting any of Haruhi's 'playing around' signals
as much as he'd be freaked out.

> In keeping with the above, Kyon doesn't want to make her aware that she
> teleported him.  He's trying to put the brakes on this quick development
> of her powers and make sure she's actually got the sense of
> responsibility to use it properly.

He just missed a golden opportunity to not look like an idiot _and_
try and put some control over the situation just by being more honest
and saying, "I just got teleported here.  What the hell?"

He may not be a genius, but he's making (I feel) exceptionally bad
choices here.  Anything involving deception or hiding things from
Haruhi (IMO) is going to result in some _massive_ backlash.  And as
far as she's backslid on her character development ... I'm not eager
to see that fallout, actually.

> Truthfully I thought the exact topography of what's between Haruhi's
> house and Kyon's to be fair game.  Admittedly, it may be unlikely that
> their two homes contain the hill in-between.

The region is hilly enough it could easily be justified.

> You're right; it may up the warm and fuzzy factor by having her insist
> she's changed and Kyon agreeing.

If I can't sympathize with her....  (And she's making it really, really hard.)

> This probably needs some clarification.  The mechanics of it--that he
> took off the shoes and then tripped over them--and the reasoning of
> it--that a physical encounter with Haruhi is something he'd want to
> avoid.  The latter requires a theory of why he wants to avoid that, of
> which several are plausible.  I think there's a workable angle to
> expound upon this point.

I don't like that he wants to put in a pause, and she (having
teleported him, bitched him out, etc.)....  Wouldn't her typical
behavior actually be to want to keep him around and show off?  Sure,
she'd be annoyed at being interrupted, but the subtext of her getting
what she wants (Kyon appearing), kind of....

>> Aside: No cell phone?  No one called him?
>
> I guess it depends on whether Kyon's likely to keep his phone in his
> pocket at all times or lay it on his desk momentarily when he gets
> beamed away, so to speak.

It seemed he was in the process of undressing, but his sister could
mention she found his phone in his room, or something like that.

> I can see changing this part, to be honest.  The only important part
> going into the final scene is that Haruhi be in a volatile state.
> Whether that's from anger and frustration or uncertainty and doubt is
> somewhat immaterial.  She could realize, at this point, that she
> teleported Kyon to her house, subconsciously trying to sate her own
> desires and be appalled.  That would be decidedly more sympathetic and
> catalyze a different aspect of deconstructing her psyche:  that she
> could become something to fear.  It *is* clear, throughout this scene,
> that though Kyon has confidence in her, he's also afraid of what she
> might do if she were to be irresponsible.  It's an aspect that can be
> played up.  I'm not sold on whether it's the best thing to do, though.
> It fits with Haruhi, but I'm not sure it fits the story.  It's something
> I'm going to have to think about.

Well, all I can say is that to me, you paint a sympathetic character
becoming an unsympathetic one again.  I felt the message was, "With
power, Haruhi reverts".  I'm guessing the eventual turnaround is her
becoming more responsible with her powers, and that's all well and
good.  (Or someone convinces her it's the coin and steals/destroys it,
hence the title.)

It's just a pet-peeve on my part.  Buttmonkey/Extreme Doormat Kyon and
Uber Tsundere/Jerkass Haruhi.

It's _really_ just my complaints, and you shouldn't put too much
weight in it; the vast majority of fanfics do feature those
characterizations.  I've started to realize lately I'm pushing for
characterizations no one else really wants.

So....  I'm not enjoying the ride -- but that doesn't mean there's
actually anything _wrong_ with your story.

> No sir, I'm the one who should be thanking you.  I can tell that a lot
> of the things I've done with this story have not sat personally as well
> as I might've liked, but I can appreciate that you stuck it out and did
> everything you could to provide meaningful feedback and critique as long
> as you could bear.  The opportunity to rethink things I took for granted
> is something I greatly welcome.

Well, I'm just a jerk; glad if I provide insight, but don't take me
too seriously.

I sure don't. :)

> Thanks again,
> Michael Clark
-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my
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