[FFML] [SHnY] The Coin - Chapter Two

[Brian Randall]

On Thu, Aug 11, 2011 at 7:37 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> With a hurricane of references, altogether too much thought put into the
> physics of Haruhi's powers, and some, er, questionable content...

Somehow, this worries me.

> I pressed a button on my phone, and the white light went out.  You're
> weird, Kyon.

Ouch.  This whole scene was painful, especially Haruhi's 'Maybe' to
Kyon's 'you'd dump me after three minutes'.

I guess it's just disheartening to see Haruhi revert because she found
something shiny.  I have to hope she grows up before she does
something truly terrible....

> "This isn't a joke or petty resistance for the sake of being stubborn; I
> mean it!  I don't want you to turn the world upside-down on a whim,
> Haruhi!  Stop this!  I'm beginning you--no, I'm _telling_ you--this
> needs to end!"

I genuinely feel Kyon's concern here.  I mean, he's faced potential
death because of Haruhi's powers, so her irresponsibility is not at
all funny to him.

I completely sympathize.

This also makes me wonder why the Brigade doesn't try and take a more
constructive guiding role, here, especially since it seems quite
likely that Haruhi's going to become enraged (and be irresponsible
with her power in the process) if she feels she's been deceived.

> Safe to go back to their boring lives.

With great power comes a great loss of respect for the muggles.

> Yuki blinked, turning back to her book.  "It is not understood."

There's some subtle influence....

> Kyon tensed up.  "Ah, she just, er, she said she would think about it,
> right, Asahina-san?"

And there goes the Idiot Ball....
( http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall )

> "No spoon," she said.

Haruhi: That's great, Neogato.  There's a whole bag of them at the table.

> "See, guys?" I said to the others.  "Isn't it amazing?  This has to be
> just the start.  I, for one, will keep figuring out what I can do with
> this power, and all of you should give it an honest go, too.  This'll
> propel the SOS Brigade to the international stage, I tell you!  People
> all over the world will want to understand the secret and join us, don't
> you think?"

Gonna be totally honest here; this is High Octane Nightmare Fuel for me.

> What about Kyon, you say?  Eh, he can hold a pom-pom, too.  I'm sure
> he'd spend most of his time watching Mikuru-chan as she bounced up and
> down and jumped, too.  Well, who could blame him?  Anyone would be
> tempted, just looking at her.

What Measure Is a Muggle?

> I, um, _adjusted_ my clothes a little bit and straightened my hair.  A
> brigade chief should never look unprepared.  I undid the lock and said
> the only thing that seemed appropriate.
>
> "How many times is it I've found you sneaking into my room now?"

And she was way more understanding and awesome about it last time,
just sayin'.  Considering he landed _on top of her_ and woke her
up....  This time, she knows it's her responsibility (it's not like
there's any possibility it was him, here), and...

> It was Kyon all right, just as I thought.  He was still in uniform, too,
> albeit loosely, with his shirt untucked and his necktie partway undone.
> He wriggled his toes like a bored child drums their fingers on a table.
> He scratched his temple and squinted.  "You know," he said, "I'm not
> exactly inside your room this time."

...and he's not going to call her on it.

> "Of course it's open, Kyon.  It's just reassembled.  Packages are
> important, too.  Like I'd want to forget that night by demoting it's
> fruit to a common object."

it's -- its

> "I was at home, just back from the club room, when suddenly I found
> myself--"  He stopped.  He looked past me, at the upended chair.  "Found
> myself in a den of... , um--"

Extra comma.

> "Spit it out," I said.  "People don't just blink out of existence in one
> place and reappear in another.  You'll have to do better than that."

Kyon: They do when you make them.
Haruhi: But I'm not going to admit that, and you won't call me on it.
Kyon: And risk you discovering your powers?
Haruhi: I already know I have powers.
Kyon: ...well, Mikuru passed me this ball....

> Well that's lame.  Nobody should hang out with someone else because
> they're forced to.  And why do you keep talking like "let's say this" or
> "let's say that"?  Is that what happened or not?

Do those need double-quotes?

> "Because."  He shoved his hands in his pockets as we made it to the far
> side of the street.  "A brigade chief's wrath is harrowing enough, make
> no mistake, but in the end, I don't think anyone is seriously afraid
> you'll bring an end to the world or anything like that."
>
> I'm not so intimidating anymore, you mean?

Did she previously have any idea she had that scale of power?

> "_Suzumiyaism_ doesn't have the right ring to it," he said.
>
> No?  We'll have to think of another name for it, then.

Yuki: I nominate Kyoniism.

> It was getting late.  The shadows were growing long, and as we rounded
> the slopes of the hill, Kyon's house made itself visible about a hundred
> meters down the road.  That could be the first thing I do, Kyon:  level
> off this whole god-forsaken route so people don't have heart attacks
> traversing it every morning.

The hill is by his school, I think.  I'm under the impression the
territory around his house is pretty flat.

But I don't know that.

> "I know I dodged this earlier," he began, "but let me say this now:
> it's not just the others who trust in you, Haruhi.  When I met you a
> year ago, I thought you were reckless and sociopathic--"
>
> Way to be gentle, Kyon.

Oh, try and deny it, Haruhi.  You can afford to be genuinely magnanimous now.

> "That doesn't mean I understand."  He crossed his arms, cupping his chin
> in his hand, pondering.  "If you weren't trustworthy at heart, I'd have
> left in a second.  Yes, that's it."  He nodded, assuring himself.  "I'm
> counting on you, Haruhi, to prove that trust is well-placed.  That's how
> it works, right?  What people do with power proves the kind of person
> they are?"
>
> I won't let you down, Kyon.  I promise.

Most reassuring scene so far.

> "Whoa, Haruhi, no."  He caught my hand.  He pushed on my shoulder.  We
> stumbled apart.  He tripped over Father's loafers, slamming his ass on
> the concrete.

Eh?

> "Kyon-kun!"  A girl bolted through the front door, running to him along
> the path.  "Kyon-kun, what happened?" asked his little sister.  "One
> minute you were in your room, and the next you'd gone!  Mother says
> you'll be in big trouble for this!"

Aside: No cell phone?  No one called him?

> So all this was just an inconvenience for you, huh, Kyon?

...really.  She teleports him across town, he opens up to her, and she
reacts like the first second things stop going exactly as she wanted
them?

> So I took Father's shoes and left.  Even if I could've beamed myself
> back home in a heartbeat (and maybe I can, who knows?), I would've
> walked the whole way three times over to get that bastard's touch out of
> my head.

...stopping here.

Thanks for sharing; I'm sorry I couldn't give more constructive
criticism, but I felt I should at least try and return the favor.
Thanks for sharing; you seem to have a good idea of what you're doing
with your story.

Good luck with it! :)
-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.