[FFML] [SHnY/XLS][Fanfic]Evil Secret Organizations

[Brian Randall]

Hello, what's this?  Haruhi fanfic?

I don't recognize XLS off the top of my head, but I'll give this a go. :D

On Thu, Apr 21, 2011 at 11:41 AM, Bert Miller <hkmiller at theeddy.com> wrote:
> In the dark, a match is a wonderful thing.  Its flickering
> existence was only sufficient to illuminate the hand which held
> it, but small light is much, much better than none.  The faint
> sound of water dripping echoed from somewhere behind us.

This seems somehow familiar....

> "See?  I told you!  Just look!"  My companion whispered.

look!"  My -- look!" my
  (Extra space, don't need to capitalize 'my')

> Reluctantly, I looked.  Twenty meters away, inside a dimly-lit
> cavern, two young women stood at attention, their backs towards
> us, arms up in a salute to a robed man facing them from up on a
> platform.

Oh--  OH!

Excel Saga.  Right.

> "Maybe they're shooting a movie?"  I whispered.

Don't need the extra space here again (I'm pretty sure).

> "Okay, fine, Haruhi.  You win; there's an evil secret organization
> down here in the sewers, conspiring to take over the world.  In
> the meantime, I'm crouching in those same sewers, wearing an
> expensive rented tuxedo which isn't getting any cleaner.  Are you
> happy?"

Why's Kyon in a tux, rented or otherwise?  Haruhi's expectation that
all spies wear tuxes?

> "It's up to us, the SOS Brigade, to save the city from these
> evildoers!" Haruhi insisted, fist clenched, her face alight with
> glee.
>
> I sighed.

Yeah ... if he'd just found out and alerted Yuki, this one would have
been nipped in the bud. :3

> The characters of 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' were
> created by Nagaru Tanigawa and are copyrighted by ADV in the
> United States.
> The characters of 'Excel Saga' were created by Rikudoh Koshi and
> are copyrighted by ADV Films in the United States.
> No disrespect intended by my unlicensed usage.
>
> Yes, my first two sentences are borrowed/modified, from bjorn's
> XLS/Ranma crossover.  I liked them.

Ah.  Also, interesting that they're both ADV; hadn't caught that before.  Hm.

> Clicking a remote control, a large overhead monitor displayed a
> rock concert with a light show.

The large overhead monitor clicked a remote control?  I think we may
be missing a subject (it's implied, but this scans a bit awkwardly).

> "Oooh!  The Orbital Slime Vampires!"  Haruhi cooed.  "And there's
> Ken Takoyaki!"

*snrk*

> I rolled my eyes.  I recognized the name, from casually overheard
> hallway gossip, as belonging to an all-boy band better known for
> their pretty-boy looks than their music.

How is that different from any other boy-band?
Kyon: I assure you, I wouldn't know.
Hm.  Fair enough.

> The two girls with their backs to us nodded knowingly.  Haruhi
> looked indignant.  "They are not!" she insisted.

...hehehe....

> "These guys need to be stopped, NOW!"  Haruhi hissed.  "They
> might hurt Kenny!"

NOW!"  Haruhi -- extra space again.

> "The two of you are to kill their lead singer, ensure tonight's
> concert in canceled, and destroy the mind-control lasers at the
> stadium," the leader continued.

in canceled -- is canceled

> "Question!"  Announced the honey-blonde, waving her arm
> energetically.  "Why don't we just steal the mind-control lasers
> and use them ourselves to take over the city?"

Once more on the dialogue leading into narrative (extra space).
Question!"  Announced -- Question!" announced

> "Hai, Il Palazzo!"  The two girls proclaimed in unison, saluting
> their leader Nazi-fashion and clicking their heels together, then
> marching out.

Same thing as above (extra space)

> "Come on, Kyon!" Haruhi urged.  "We've got to get back, summon the
> rest of the Brigade, and figure out how we're going to stop their
> evil plot!"

Kyon: By ... asking Yuki?
Haruhi: How would that fix things?
Kyon: I'll make Koizumi explain that.

> It all began the way many of our adventures with Haruhi begin, a
> Saturday morning club activity.  When I arrived at the meeting
> site, last as usual (despite being fifteen minutes early), Haruhi
> was expostulating with a crazed-looking middle-aged man sitting on
> a nearby park bench, holding a sketchpad on his lap.

Kyon-gets-a-penalty is the Haruhi equivelant to Ryouga being lost.
Thanks for making it so brief.

> "Eww!  That's disgusting!  You shouldn't go around handing out
> rotten persimmons like that!"  Haruhi said, after grimacing and
> spitting out a bite of the small red fruit in her hand.

Extra space between narration and dialogue again.

I don't catch this cameo....

> "I have a busy day planned, so let's get to it!  Today We're all
> going to search the city for secret evil organizations!  Once we
> find one, we'll spoil their plans for world conquest!  Kyon and I
> will search the east side; you three take the west side.  We'll
> meet back here at noon.  Kyon, first we have to rent you a tuxedo;
> the clothes you're wearing simply won't do; there's no place to
> conceal your gun."  Haruhi waved one of the model Desert Eagles
> from our movie shoot.

Well, that explains that ... somewhat.  And Haruhi just _chose_ Kyon
instead of trying to get assigned to him randomly?  No thinly veiled
excuse, like he can't be trusted alone, and since they have two guns
they need one male per team, etc.?

> As Haruhi dragged me off, I cast one last glance behind me.  There
> on the cafe table, the little red fruit had stopped spinning.
> On the side facing me was the imprint of someone's personal stamp;
> this one read "Rikudoh Koshi".

Ah.  Okay.  Well played, Sir. :3

> "Koizumi, you take Mikuru and Yuki to the stadium and keep watch.
> Kyon and I will go stake out the hotel."
>
> Of course.  Trust Haruhi to split us up that way.

The lack of justification from Haruhi, or reaction from anyone at all
to this happening twice doesn't feel right, as she's never arbitrarily
assigned teams like that before.  Even if it's not a big deal, I'd
expect more from Kyon than, 'of course'.

> Haruhi and I ended up prowling through the corridors of the hotel
> where the Orbital Slime Vampires was staying.  My tuxedo and the
> party dress Haruhi had acquired from somewhere got us into the
> hotel, but security still wouldn't let onto the floor where the
> band was staying.

wouldn't let onto -- wouldn't let us onto (?)

> Haruhi seems momentarily stumped, before she stopped, pivoted to
> face me with her fists on her hips, and proclaimed, "The plotters
> will be seeking him out to kill him, of course!  We heard their
> orders!  The best way to find the plotters is to stick close to
> Kenny-, I mean, Takoyaki-san!"

Kenny-, (hyphen or comma, but probably not both).

> "What are you talking about?!  Are you implying you think I have a
> crush on Ken-; I mean, Takoyaki-san?  If so, you're even more
> brainless than I thought you were!"  Haruhi, arms crossed, turned
> her back on me with a muttered "hmmph!".

Ken-; (same; only one punctuation mark required here.)

And I see Haruhi has taken her Tsunderetol this morning.

> "Kyon, shoot!" Haruhi shouted as we ran.  I dutifully pulled the
> model gun out of my tuxedo sleeve and aimed it, then blinked
> twice.  What happened to the Desert Eagle?  This was a smaller
> gun; in fact it looked almost like a... it WAS... a Walther PPK
> (according to the label on one side).  It felt no heavier than the
> Desert Eagle had, but I took no chances, knowing Haruhi.  I
> carefully aimed away from the girls, into the floor, then flinched
> as I pulled the trigger.  Thankfully, nothing happened.

Well, leaving the safety 'on' is absolutely not taking a chance....

a... it (this one elipses is attached to the leading word, and not the
following one, which is inconsistant to other elipses in this story
that do not terminate a sentence; I think there's a missing space
after the 'a')

> Haruhi surged ahead, and was about to grab Hyatt's shoulder when
> the latter suddenly fainted.  Haruhi tripped over her, and went
> flying.  At first I thought the faint must have been deliberate,
> but then I saw Hyatt actually had blood dripping from her mouth.
> Looking closer, I saw that her eyes were rolled up in her head and
> she was trembling slightly.

I think the commas before 'and' in both first sentences are reflexive
and not actually required (I frequently use too many commas, so may
not be the best judge for this)

> "They're headed for the stadium!"  Haruhi announced, without a
> shred of evidence.

Extra space after dialogue again.


> The dog glanced up, as if enjoying the sight of birds in flight,
> and failed to notice an open manhole cover.  The last I saw of
> the dog was a glimpse of it plunging into down into the sewers.
> Haruhi missed that, as her attention had already returned to what
> we might find at the stadium.

Repetition on 'dog'; just for variety I'd suggest changing perhaps the
last instance to 'that poor creature'?

> "You mean those really ARE mind control lasers?"  Koizumi was just
> asking Nagato when we arrived at the stadium.

Well, duh....  Haruhi believed Il Palazo, didn't she?

> "They seem unusually adept as acquiring appropriate costumes for
> a disguise, then, if not so good at actual disguises."

adept as -- adept at

> I shrugged.  "I don't know, and don't want to know."

Hah--  Perfect. :p

> "Exactly.  But there's a difference.  I am merely decoration; it
> is you Suzumiya is counting upon to take the decisive actions to
> defeat this organization.  You are the hero of this story."
>
> I so wanted to wipe that smirk off Koizumi's face.

Easily done.  Just announce very loudly that it's an elaborate prank
Koizumi set up, just like the island.
Kyon: That sounds suspiciously proactive.
Damn it, Kyon!  Stop pretending to be Shikamaru!
Kyon: So troublesome.
....

> Our quarry had turned and started running as soon as they noticed
> Haruhi, but they weren't very fast runners.  The black-haired
> girl seemed to limp along, as if she would keep over at any
> moment.  Thus we caught up with the two of them fairly rapidly.

keep over -- keel over

> I dutifully pulled out the gun again.  It seemed heavier than it
> had at the hotel.  Again, I kept it carefully pointed away from
> anybody.

Kyon: I wonder if it comes with deadeye mode....

> At that moment, another person appeared over to our left, up on
> the stage.  I could see at a glance that this was a disreputable,
> unkempt sort of wastrel, utterly without a single redeeming
> feature.
>
> Haruhi turned and her eyes widened.  "It's Kenny!" she yelled.

HAhahaa!  Nothing can top how funny this is.

> I gritted my teeth and struggled not to point my gun at the
> scoundrel.  Lip-syncing pretty-boy bastard!

...except a jealous Kyon!  Okay, that actually made me laugh out loud.  ^_^

> The lighter haired, more energetic of the two girls, Excel, took
> advantage of Haruhi's and my momentary lapse of attention to hit
> Haruhi over the head with her broom handle, then to wack my gun
> hand.  The gun went flying into the air and Excel grabbed it, then
> pointed it at us.  Haruhi sank to her knees, her hands on top of
> her head, moaning in pain.

wack -- whack (I think?)

> "I'll shoot anyone who tries to stop us from accomplishing our
> glorious mission!" Excel exclaimed.  "And don't think I won't do
> it, too.  We're both veteran revolutionaries, and Il Palazzo
> relies on us completely!  Hyatt is deputy leader of our
> organization, and I'm in complete charge of cleaning the toilets!
> By myself!"

complete -- completely

> "Oh my God, they Killed Kenny!  You bastards!" Haruhi shouted,
> then took off after the two of them even faster than before.

Even though I saw it coming, this was great. ^_^

> Before the rest of us could follow, the figure lying on the stage
> raised one arm and moaned, "I'm not dead yet."
>
> I waved Koizumi, Nagato, and Asahina over to help the fallen
> "singer", then took off after Haruhi.

Haruhi: Usually, you use more than just one finger to wave.
Kyon: I was in a rush; did you want to let his attackers get away?
Haruhi: ...I'll let that slide for now.

> On a closer look, however, it wasn't a cat, but a small white dog.
> In fact, it looks familiar.

Tense trouble:
looks -- looked

> I wasn't going to answer that, but Haruhi answered before I could
> react.  "I'm Suzumiya Haruhi, leader of the SOS Brigade, and he's
> Kyon.  James Kyon."

*srnk*

Nice.

> I wished I didn't have to listen to this.

Not only do you have to listen, you have to miraculously save the day!

> We fell straight down a shaft.  I grabbed for Haruhi's hand and
> wrapped her arms around me, then, seeing an twenty centimeter pipe
> to one side, below us, twisted my upper body around and hit it
> with my arms.  I grasped wildly for any handhold even as I started
> to slide off, then my left hand found something and we shuddered
> to a stop.

I thought they were tied up?

an twenty -- a twenty

> I inched my right hand over until it too had a firm grasp, then,
> grunting with effort, I pulled myself and Haruhi up onto the pipe.
> Again, we were in the darkness, the sound of water drops
> coming from somewhere beneath us.

Kyon: This would be a good time for a _thank you_, Haruhi.
Haruhi: For what, doing your _job_?
Kyon: I need more job perks.  Would it have been _too_ much to keep
the talking cat?

> I lay on my back on the pipe, panting and grimacing.  The fingers
> of my left hand hurt like they were on fire.  Two fingers felt
> suspiciously slick; it was probably bleeding.

it was -- I was -(or)- they were

> "Just a minute; I think I still have those matches," Haruhi said,
> sitting next to me on the pipe.

sitting -- I'd suggest some word implying movement that works in the
dark (shuffling, shifting, sliding ... why are these all 's' words?).

> In the darkness, her lit match was indeed a wonderful thing.
> Haruhi's eyes shown as she looked at me.  Her lips opened once,
> then twice, as if she had something to say, but both times she
> shut them again.

shown -- shone

> Come on, Haruhi, you can say 'thank you' just once if you try.
>
> I thought about our predicament.  First we had to get out of this
> pit, then I had to somehow foil these evildoers and destroy their
> organization, or at least convince Haruhi that I had done so.
> Telling Haruhi to repeat "this is fiction" wasn't going to work
> this time; she'd actually seen the changes in everyday reality
> herself.

In one paragraph you use single quotes, and in the next you use
double-quotes for pretty much the same thing.  Either works, but it's
best to remain consistant.

> I looked around in the dim light shed by Haruhi's match.
> Fortunately, the pipe we were on led to a narrow ledge against
> one wall of the shaft, and a few feet over I could just make out
> an access ladder.

There's probably a hidden rope or ladder leading back to where Excel
climbs out herself, though. :p

Excel: Nah, got rid of those after mastering Pit-fu.
I thought that was Pit-fu-fu?

> "Over there, Haruhi.  Just shift over on this pipe, slowly and
> carefully,  We'll head over to my left."

carefully,  We'll -- carefully.  We'll -(or)- carefully, and we'll
-(or)- carefully; we'll (I think)

> They must have been old, though, because as we advanced and saw
> a dim light ahead, we could see steam issuing from a leak in one
> of the pipes between us and the entrance into a crossing side
> tunnel.  I could just make out a rather high-pitched voice up
> ahead somewhere, speaking rapidly.

Zoey: Steam!  I _love_ Steam!
Francis: Eh ... Steam's alright....

> We arrived at the tunnel exit to see the backs of Excel and Hyatt
> walking away from us down the side tunnel.  Excel was still
> talking.  "I don't mean to say that anything Il Palazzo says is
> wrong, of course; he is our glorious leader at whose command we
> live and die.  But he could be just a little more appreciative
> of our efforts, I think.  I mean, like a promotion.  It sure
> would be nice if somebody else could be the chief toilet cleaner
> for a while.  Maybe I'll call on the Will of the Universe and see
> what she says.  Oh, Ms. Will of the Universe?"

The Will of the Universe: Sorry, I don't think I should cameo next to
myself.  It could get awkward.

> Next to me, Haruhi seemed to shiver momentarily.  "Creepy
> feeling.  I get these twinges every once in a while."

HAH!  Called it.

> I resolved to forget that exchange completely.  "Let's go, Haruhi,
> we'll just follow them," I said, advancing into the side tunnel,
> still holding Haruhi's hand.  She didn't seem inclined to let go.

With his right (uninjured) hand?  His left was on the tunnel wall, as I recall.

> Haruhi, incensed, was about to give vent to her indignation over
> the idea when I put my hand over her mouth.  "Not now," I
> whispered.

Your free hand, Kyon....  The grimy, bleeding one?
Haruhi: Conveniently, that actually _is_ one of my turn-ons.
Kyon: ...Yuki, can you make today not have happened?

> The two girls returned to the large room where Il Palazzo sat.  We
> lurked just inside the tunnel, out of sight; from the darkness, we
> could see them, but they couldn't see us.  If I wasn't mistaken,
> the girls were standing on the trapdoor down which Haruhi and I
> had been dropped.

And they're standing in the same spot they eavesdropped in the first
place (and got captured in the second!).

> Looking around, all I could see were the steam pipes, winding
> everywhere, plus some other, narrower pipes.  I felt one of the
> latter; it didn't feel like it was in use.

Right.  You have to blow up the bad guy's base with the conveniently
located self-destruct switch.
Haruhi: Well, duh!

> "Wait here a moment, Haruhi.  I have an idea." I whispered, then
> headed back the way we'd come.

idea." I -- idea," I

> After a few minutes I rejoined Haruhi.  "It's all set up," I
> murmured.  "I just need to do... this!"  As I spoke, I turned a
> wheel on the pipe nearby, releasing steam into the other, narrower
> pipe system.

Inconsistant spacing around the elipses.

> Judging by memory, I headed into the steam for the point where
> the rope hung down next to Il Palazzo, then yanked it down.  I
> hoped the sudden yelps I heard were from Excel and Hyatt falling
> down into the pit beneath the trap door.
>
> Ruthless, I shoved Il Palazzo's throne in the same direction.
> After a few kicks, he too went tumbling in.  His throne made a
> satisfactorily loud noise as it followed him.

Ruthless -- Ruthlessly (I think?)

Should he make confused noises or otherwise react while his throne is
being kicked around?

> I retraced my steps and again pulled the rope to close the trap
> door, and went back to the tunnel entrance and closed the steam
> cock.

Second instance of 'and' can be 'then', I think.

Steam cock -- From what I can tell, this usage is pretty specific to
the drainage valve on railroad steam-engines.  Not wanting to think
about it too hard, I'd suggest the potentially more familiar term
'valve'.
Yuki: This is a triumph.
Yeah, yeah....
Yuki: Huge success.
Enough of that.

> "You did it!" Asahina congratulated me, starting to go for a hug,
> but then aborting it with a glance at Haruhi.  Haruhi's attention,
> however, was absorbed in petting and grooming the little white
> dog.

Kyon: Why are you letting that stop you?

> Nagato nodded at me.  "Today's experiment was successful," she
> said in a monotone.

*twitch*

> Under Haruhi's ministrations, the little white dog's whining
> seemed to become almost musical.  "Honestly, those barbarians!"
> Haruhi muttered to herself.  "Trying to eat this nice dog!  He'd
> probably need a lot of salt, though.  Kyon, hand me that salt-
> shaker."

Heh.

> The End.
>
> Older fics posted at:
>   http://www.reocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5058
>
> All C&C welcome!

Okay!  Haruhi was a bit strange for the novels, but probably about
perfect for the anime.  Kyon was about perfect, and I don't actually
know XLS that well, so that felt right, too.

Generally ... good, funny stuff, and I liked it.  Can't think of any
real suggestions that I haven't already gone through.

I hope this is helpful, but then, I also hope we can see more of Much
Ado about Ranma (heh), so what can you do? :p

Thanks for sharing.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Who found out just now that gmail thinks that if 'is attached' is
anywhere in the body of a text, it should ask you if you wanted to
attach something.  Neatness.