[FFML] [SHnY/XLS][Fanfic]Evil Secret Organizations

[Bert Miller]

In the dark, a match is a wonderful thing.  Its flickering
existence was only sufficient to illuminate the hand which held
it, but small light is much, much better than none.  The faint
sound of water dripping echoed from somewhere behind us.

Up ahead, a dim, faint light brightened as we tiptoed forward.
Reaching out with my fingers to either side, I could just brush
the rough sides of the tunnel.  Slowly, quietly, we approached a
rusted iron grill covering the exit.

"See?  I told you!  Just look!"  My companion whispered.

Reluctantly, I looked.  Twenty meters away, inside a dimly-lit
cavern, two young women stood at attention, their backs towards
us, arms up in a salute to a robed man facing them from up on a
platform.

"This city is corrupt!" the figure on the platform proclaimed,
gesuring grandly.  "This whole country is rotten!  The entire
world is degenerate; all existing governments must be swept away!"

"Maybe they're shooting a movie?"  I whispered.

"Kyon, you idiot!" Haruhi hissed.  "There's not enough light down
here for that!  This has to be the real thing!"

"Okay, fine, Haruhi.  You win; there's an evil secret organization
down here in the sewers, conspiring to take over the world.  In
the meantime, I'm crouching in those same sewers, wearing an
expensive rented tuxedo which isn't getting any cleaner.  Are you
happy?"

"It's up to us, the SOS Brigade, to save the city from these
evildoers!" Haruhi insisted, fist clenched, her face alight with
glee.

I sighed.

- - - - - - - - - -

Evil Secret Organizations (and the Heros Who Fight Them)

   A Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya/Excel Saga fanfic
       by hkmiller
         21 April 2011 - FFML draft

The characters of 'The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya' were
created by Nagaru Tanigawa and are copyrighted by ADV in the
United States.
The characters of 'Excel Saga' were created by Rikudoh Koshi and
are copyrighted by ADV Films in the United States.
No disrespect intended by my unlicensed usage.

Yes, my first two sentences are borrowed/modified, from bjorn's
XLS/Ranma crossover.  I liked them.

- - - - - - - - - -

Out in the cavern, the guy in the cape continued to rant.  "The
entire society is hopelessly degenerate!  I have analyzed the
underlying causes anew, in light of your most recent failure, and
I have discovered the hidden threads of control which ensnare the
populace!  Observe!"

Clicking a remote control, a large overhead monitor displayed a
rock concert with a light show.

"Oooh!  The Orbital Slime Vampires!"  Haruhi cooed.  "And there's
Ken Takoyaki!"

I rolled my eyes.  I recognized the name, from casually overheard
hallway gossip, as belonging to an all-boy band better known for
their pretty-boy looks than their music.

"I have closely observed the lead singer's mouth movements, and
discovered that he is not wholly in sync with the voice coming
from the loudspeakers.  He is lip-syncing, as are his backups!"

The two girls with their backs to us nodded knowingly.  Haruhi
looked indignant.  "They are not!" she insisted.

"Furthermore, I believe that their lightshow conceals illegal
mind-control lasers!  This band is the source of all the rot we
see daily in our city!  They must be stopped!"

"These guys need to be stopped, NOW!"  Haruhi hissed.  "They
might hurt Kenny!"

I felt oddly tense, growling to myself.

"The two of you are to kill their lead singer, ensure tonight's
concert in canceled, and destroy the mind-control lasers at the
stadium," the leader continued.

"Question!"  Announced the honey-blonde, waving her arm
energetically.  "Why don't we just steal the mind-control lasers
and use them ourselves to take over the city?"

"Hyatt, please explain the answer to Excel," replied the leader,
radiating impatience.

"Because it would dishonor our cause to use the tools of the
enemy?" Hyatt wondered aloud in a puzzled tone, one finger to
her jaw.

"Correct!  Fifty demerits to you, Excel!  Now, do you understand
your orders?"

"Hai, Il Palazzo!"  The two girls proclaimed in unison, saluting
their leader Nazi-fashion and clicking their heels together, then
marching out.

"Come on, Kyon!" Haruhi urged.  "We've got to get back, summon the
rest of the Brigade, and figure out how we're going to stop their
evil plot!"

- - - - - - - - - -

It all began the way many of our adventures with Haruhi begin, a
Saturday morning club activity.  When I arrived at the meeting
site, last as usual (despite being fifteen minutes early), Haruhi
was expostulating with a crazed-looking middle-aged man sitting on
a nearby park bench, holding a sketchpad on his lap.

"Eww!  That's disgusting!  You shouldn't go around handing out
rotten persimmons like that!"  Haruhi said, after grimacing and
spitting out a bite of the small red fruit in her hand.

Casting the fruit aside so that it slowly spun atop a table
belonging to a nearby outdoor cafe, Haruhi ignored the goofy-
looking artist who'd handed her the fruit, planted her hands on
her hips, and turned to face the four of us.

"I have a busy day planned, so let's get to it!  Today We're all
going to search the city for secret evil organizations!  Once we
find one, we'll spoil their plans for world conquest!  Kyon and I
will search the east side; you three take the west side.  We'll
meet back here at noon.  Kyon, first we have to rent you a tuxedo;
the clothes you're wearing simply won't do; there's no place to
conceal your gun."  Haruhi waved one of the model Desert Eagles
from our movie shoot.

I glanced over at Koizumi only to find that the jerk was already
wearing a tuxedo.  I frowned.

As Haruhi dragged me off, I cast one last glance behind me.  There
on the cafe table, the little red fruit had stopped spinning.
On the side facing me was the imprint of someone's personal stamp;
this one read "Rikudoh Koshi".

I shrugged.  Stranger things have happened around Haruhi.

- - - - - - - - - -

Back on the surface, Haruhi immediately called Koizumi and
explained what we'd found out.

"Our adversaries may attack at either of two points:  the stadium
where The Orbital Slime Vampires are playing tonight, to try to
wreck the lightshow, or the hotel where the Vamps are resting up
today.  Since there are just two of them, they probably won't
split up, but we don't know which place they'll attack first.  So
we need to split up ourselves."

This seemed unusually well thought-out for Haruhi.

"Koizumi, you take Mikuru and Yuki to the stadium and keep watch.
Kyon and I will go stake out the hotel."

Of course.  Trust Haruhi to split us up that way.

- - - - - - - - - -

Haruhi and I ended up prowling through the corridors of the hotel
where the Orbital Slime Vampires was staying.  My tuxedo and the
party dress Haruhi had acquired from somewhere got us into the
hotel, but security still wouldn't let onto the floor where the
band was staying.

"Aren't we supposed to be looking for those two girls?" I asked
Haruhi wearily, as we trudged through what seemed like the
hundredth identical hotel corridor.  "Why are you scheming to get
close to the band's lead singer?"

Haruhi seems momentarily stumped, before she stopped, pivoted to
face me with her fists on her hips, and proclaimed, "The plotters
will be seeking him out to kill him, of course!  We heard their
orders!  The best way to find the plotters is to stick close to
Kenny-, I mean, Takoyaki-san!"

"I thought no living men met your standards?" I asked Haruhi
before I could help myself.

"What are you talking about?!  Are you implying you think I have a
crush on Ken-; I mean, Takoyaki-san?  If so, you're even more
brainless than I thought you were!"  Haruhi, arms crossed, turned
her back on me with a muttered "hmmph!".

Just then a nearby stairwell door opened and the same two girls,
dressed as hotel maids, emerged, looking disconcerted.  "Why won't
they let us onto their floor?  We look just like the real maids,"
the blonde, 'Excel', complained to the dark-haired one, 'Hyatt'.
"How are we gonna complete Il Palazzo's glorious mission now?"

"Hold it right there!" Haruhi yelled, pointing at them.  "You're
under arrest!"

Excel looked up, startled, then indignant.  "What for?"

"For impersonating hotel maids!" Haruhi insisted.

"Okay, you've got us there," Excel granted reluctantly, then
grabbed Hyatt's hand and began running the other way down the
corridor.  Naturally, we gave chase.

"Kyon, shoot!" Haruhi shouted as we ran.  I dutifully pulled the
model gun out of my tuxedo sleeve and aimed it, then blinked
twice.  What happened to the Desert Eagle?  This was a smaller
gun; in fact it looked almost like a... it WAS... a Walther PPK
(according to the label on one side).  It felt no heavier than the
Desert Eagle had, but I took no chances, knowing Haruhi.  I
carefully aimed away from the girls, into the floor, then flinched
as I pulled the trigger.  Thankfully, nothing happened.

Haruhi surged ahead, and was about to grab Hyatt's shoulder when
the latter suddenly fainted.  Haruhi tripped over her, and went
flying.  At first I thought the faint must have been deliberate,
but then I saw Hyatt actually had blood dripping from her mouth.
Looking closer, I saw that her eyes were rolled up in her head and
she was trembling slightly.

Making use of my momentary inattention, Excel yanked open a nearby
laundry chute, lifted Hyatt, threw her in, then followed her.

I knelt and offered my hand to Haruhi, who was obviously annoyed
that the two girls had gotten away.  "We have to follow them!"

"Haruhi, I can't fit down that laundry chute, even if you can.
I'd think the odds are good that they'll get stuck themselves."

"Evil conspirators never get foiled by such simple devices!
They'll be making their escape from the basement at this very
moment!"

I persuaded Haruhi that it made more sense for us to take the
employee elevator to the basement, but we were just in time to
see the two girls flee out the back door.

"They're headed for the stadium!"  Haruhi announced, without a
shred of evidence.

- - - - - - - - - -

As we hurried to the stadium, Haruhi's attention was momentarily
distracted by something occuring as our bus passed an otherwise
nondescript two-story, open-sided apartment building.  We watched
a small white dog squeeze through a window which someone had
carelessly left partially open.

Once outside, the dog bounded down the stairs to the street,
tongue hanging out in joy, then ran down the middle of the street,
ahead of our bus, apparently eager to be as far away from that
apartment building as it could get.

"Good for you, dog!" Haruhi commented, nodding.  "Free at last!"

The dog glanced up, as if enjoying the sight of birds in flight,
and failed to notice an open manhole cover.  The last I saw of
the dog was a glimpse of it plunging into down into the sewers.
Haruhi missed that, as her attention had already returned to what
we might find at the stadium.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You mean those really ARE mind control lasers?"  Koizumi was just
asking Nagato when we arrived at the stadium.

"But they're so small!" Asahina squealed.

"The Orbitals' mind control lasers do not function according to
normal design principles for such devices.  Nevertheless,
according to my tests they are quite functional," Nagato replied,
nodding at the janitor sitting contentedly in the middle of the
field, mindlessly plucking at the astroturf, his eyes glazed.

I noticed a sudden unhealthy gleam appear in Haruhi's eyes at
this news.  "Where is Ken-, I mean, where are these evil lasers?"
she asked Nagato and Koizumi.  "We have to steal them so they
can't be used against us!"

Just then, I spotted a pair of suspiciously slim, short janitors
end the far end of the stadium, carrying push brooms over their
shoulders.  "Haruhi, I think we have something more important
to worry about."  I pointed at the two janitors.  "Those are the
two infiltrators."

Haruhi turned, spotted them, and took off like a rocket, running
straight at them and yelling how they were under arrest by the
authority vested in her by herself, or something like that.  I
tuned her rant out and followed at a trot.  Koizumi, Nagato, and
Asahina trailed behind.

"Are those really the same two young ladies you spotted in the
sewers?" Koizumi asked.

"Yes, and they also appeared at the hotel, dressed as maids."

"They seem unusually adept as acquiring appropriate costumes for
a disguise, then, if not so good at actual disguises."

"Haruhi never seems to have a problem acquiring costumes.  What's
your point?"

"Evil secret organizations are not a part of normal reality.  We
may be facing incompetent pranksters, but if we're facing a real,
competent evil organization, I can only think that Suzumiya must
have created it."

I shrugged.  "I don't know, and don't want to know."

"If there is a secret evil organization, there must also be a
hero who fights them and defeats their plots.  Suzumiya has
undoubtedly cast you in that role."

"Is that why she insisted you and I wear tuxedos today?"

"Exactly.  But there's a difference.  I am merely decoration; it
is you Suzumiya is counting upon to take the decisive actions to
defeat this organization.  You are the hero of this story."

I so wanted to wipe that smirk off Koizumi's face.

Our quarry had turned and started running as soon as they noticed
Haruhi, but they weren't very fast runners.  The black-haired
girl seemed to limp along, as if she would keep over at any
moment.  Thus we caught up with the two of them fairly rapidly.

"Keep them covered, Kyon, while I search them!"  Haruhi commanded.

I dutifully pulled out the gun again.  It seemed heavier than it
had at the hotel.  Again, I kept it carefully pointed away from
anybody.

At that moment, another person appeared over to our left, up on
the stage.  I could see at a glance that this was a disreputable,
unkempt sort of wastrel, utterly without a single redeeming
feature.

Haruhi turned and her eyes widened.  "It's Kenny!" she yelled.

I gritted my teeth and struggled not to point my gun at the
scoundrel.  Lip-syncing pretty-boy bastard!

The lighter haired, more energetic of the two girls, Excel, took
advantage of Haruhi's and my momentary lapse of attention to hit
Haruhi over the head with her broom handle, then to wack my gun
hand.  The gun went flying into the air and Excel grabbed it, then
pointed it at us.  Haruhi sank to her knees, her hands on top of
her head, moaning in pain.

"I'll shoot anyone who tries to stop us from accomplishing our
glorious mission!" Excel exclaimed.  "And don't think I won't do
it, too.  We're both veteran revolutionaries, and Il Palazzo
relies on us completely!  Hyatt is deputy leader of our
organization, and I'm in complete charge of cleaning the toilets!
By myself!"

With one hand, Excel steadied Hyatt on her feet while holding us
at gunpoint with the other.  I glanced at Nagato, who shook her
head slightly.  "The gun is real and capable of inflicting
potentially fatal wounds," she said quietly.

Asahina shivered in fear.

Excel and Hyatt slowly backed away from us towards an exit ramp,
then aimed and fired at the figure on stage, turned, and ran.

"Oh my God, they Killed Kenny!  You bastards!" Haruhi shouted,
then took off after the two of them even faster than before.

Before the rest of us could follow, the figure lying on the stage
raised one arm and moaned, "I'm not dead yet."

I waved Koizumi, Nagato, and Asahina over to help the fallen
"singer", then took off after Haruhi.

- - - - - - - - - -
Haruhi and I followed the two girls back to their 'secret'
headquarters in the sewers.  I was surprised that they had
apparently not noticed us following them.

I found out why the moment we entered the maintenance tunnel
they'd used; they were waiting inside, and after we tripped over
the rope they'd strung across the entrance, bound our arms behind
us before we could recover our wits.

Something about the whole routine seemed too canned to me.  Had
I seen this is a cartoon as a kid?  Surely you can't really plan
to take prisoners this way and succeed.

But succeed they did.  Tied up, Haruhi and I were paraded before
their leader, the guy in the grandiose cape.  At least he wasn't
bald, but he did seem to have a white cat in his lap, which he
was petting as he spoke.

On a closer look, however, it wasn't a cat, but a small white dog.
In fact, it looks familiar.

"You were fools to oppose us.  What are your names?"

I wasn't going to answer that, but Haruhi answered before I could
react.  "I'm Suzumiya Haruhi, leader of the SOS Brigade, and he's
Kyon.  James Kyon."

I mouthed Haruhi's last two words back to her in confusion.  Now
she's changing my nickname?

"You'll never get away with this!"  Haruhi asserted with a defiant
smile.  "The SOS Brigade stands for truth and righteousness!  We
will put a stop to your evil plans."

I wished I didn't have to listen to this.

"I see.  Best I take precautions, then.  Goodbye, Ms. Suzumiya;
goodbye, Mr. Kyon."  Il Palazzo pulled the rope dangling down
right next to him and a trap door opened beneath us.

We fell straight down a shaft.  I grabbed for Haruhi's hand and
wrapped her arms around me, then, seeing an twenty centimeter pipe
to one side, below us, twisted my upper body around and hit it
with my arms.  I grasped wildly for any handhold even as I started
to slide off, then my left hand found something and we shuddered
to a stop.

I inched my right hand over until it too had a firm grasp, then,
grunting with effort, I pulled myself and Haruhi up onto the pipe.
Again, we were in the darkness, the sound of water drops
coming from somewhere beneath us.

I lay on my back on the pipe, panting and grimacing.  The fingers
of my left hand hurt like they were on fire.  Two fingers felt
suspiciously slick; it was probably bleeding.

"Just a minute; I think I still have those matches," Haruhi said,
sitting next to me on the pipe.

In the darkness, her lit match was indeed a wonderful thing.
Haruhi's eyes shown as she looked at me.  Her lips opened once,
then twice, as if she had something to say, but both times she
shut them again.

Come on, Haruhi, you can say 'thank you' just once if you try.

I thought about our predicament.  First we had to get out of this
pit, then I had to somehow foil these evildoers and destroy their
organization, or at least convince Haruhi that I had done so.
Telling Haruhi to repeat "this is fiction" wasn't going to work
this time; she'd actually seen the changes in everyday reality
herself.

I looked around in the dim light shed by Haruhi's match.
Fortunately, the pipe we were on led to a narrow ledge against
one wall of the shaft, and a few feet over I could just make out
an access ladder.

"Over there, Haruhi.  Just shift over on this pipe, slowly and
carefully,  We'll head over to my left."

Haruhi, of course, had no trouble at all performing physical
activity, while I almost toppled over into the pit once or twice.
Finally, however, we reached the ledge, then the ladder, and
began climbing.

Before we got up to the trap door through which we'd fallen, we
found a tunnel leading away from the pit and followed it.  I
placed a hand on the left-hand side of the tunnel, feeling my
way forward, and quickly found that some of the pipes in this
tunnel were hot, apparently steam pipes.

They must have been old, though, because as we advanced and saw
a dim light ahead, we could see steam issuing from a leak in one
of the pipes between us and the entrance into a crossing side
tunnel.  I could just make out a rather high-pitched voice up
ahead somewhere, speaking rapidly.

We arrived at the tunnel exit to see the backs of Excel and Hyatt
walking away from us down the side tunnel.  Excel was still
talking.  "I don't mean to say that anything Il Palazzo says is
wrong, of course; he is our glorious leader at whose command we
live and die.  But he could be just a little more appreciative
of our efforts, I think.  I mean, like a promotion.  It sure
would be nice if somebody else could be the chief toilet cleaner
for a while.  Maybe I'll call on the Will of the Universe and see
what she says.  Oh, Ms. Will of the Universe?"

Next to me, Haruhi seemed to shiver momentarily.  "Creepy
feeling.  I get these twinges every once in a while."

"Did she answer?" Hyatt wondered.

"Not this time," Excel replied with a puzzled sound.  "I guess
she's busy."

I resolved to forget that exchange completely.  "Let's go, Haruhi,
we'll just follow them," I said, advancing into the side tunnel,
still holding Haruhi's hand.  She didn't seem inclined to let go.

I noticed the steam pipe joined a slightly larger one running the
length of this new corridor.  As we advanced, more pipes came out
of the walls and joined it.  We must be headed in the direction
of the heating plant which produces all the steam.

We could hear Excel's stomach gurgling.  I wondered what time it
was now, and how long it had been since I'd eaten.

"I need something to eat," Excel announced.  "Where's our
emergency food supply?"

"Il Palazzo was petting and grooming it," Hyatt answered.

They were planning to eat that small white dog?

Haruhi, incensed, was about to give vent to her indignation over
the idea when I put my hand over her mouth.  "Not now," I
whispered.

The two girls returned to the large room where Il Palazzo sat.  We
lurked just inside the tunnel, out of sight; from the darkness, we
could see them, but they couldn't see us.  If I wasn't mistaken,
the girls were standing on the trapdoor down which Haruhi and I
had been dropped.

I still needed some way to convince Haruhi that all their plans
had been properly foiled.  Hopefully they'd all disappear then.

Looking around, all I could see were the steam pipes, winding
everywhere, plus some other, narrower pipes.  I felt one of the
latter; it didn't feel like it was in use.

"Wait here a moment, Haruhi.  I have an idea." I whispered, then
headed back the way we'd come.

After a few minutes I rejoined Haruhi.  "It's all set up," I
murmured.  "I just need to do... this!"  As I spoke, I turned a
wheel on the pipe nearby, releasing steam into the other, narrower
pipe system.

Pretty soon we began to hear loud clanks and groan, then the large
room in front of us began to fill with steam.

Judging by memory, I headed into the steam for the point where
the rope hung down next to Il Palazzo, then yanked it down.  I
hoped the sudden yelps I heard were from Excel and Hyatt falling
down into the pit beneath the trap door.

Ruthless, I shoved Il Palazzo's throne in the same direction.
After a few kicks, he too went tumbling in.  His throne made a
satisfactorily loud noise as it followed him.

I retraced my steps and again pulled the rope to close the trap
door, and went back to the tunnel entrance and closed the steam
cock.

After the steam cleared, Haruhi and I walked together into the
large room.  Nothing; no trace of Excel, Hyatt, or Il Palazzo.
Just the small white dog, sniffing disconsolately around the
edges of the room.

Haruhi walked over, crouched, and picked up the dog, cooing all
the while.  "Oh, you nice sweet thing; did those evildoers
mistreat you?  Well, we'll fix that!"

- - - - - - - - - -
"You did it!" Asahina congratulated me, starting to go for a hug,
but then aborting it with a glance at Haruhi.  Haruhi's attention,
however, was absorbed in petting and grooming the little white
dog.

"Good work," Koizumi murmured, clapping me on the shoulder.  I
grimaced briefly.

Nagato nodded at me.  "Today's experiment was successful," she
said in a monotone.

Under Haruhi's ministrations, the little white dog's whining
seemed to become almost musical.  "Honestly, those barbarians!"
Haruhi muttered to herself.  "Trying to eat this nice dog!  He'd
probably need a lot of salt, though.  Kyon, hand me that salt-
shaker."


The End.

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