[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow chapter 19 (draft)

[Bert Miller]

Short, but nice addition to the story.  Advances a few plots, with a 
nice fight in addition.

Mythril Moth wrote:
> dismissively. "It's Masato-kun, we can trust him."
>   
Heh.  There's one born every minute.

> *Damn, but I'm gonna love working here.*
>   
Nice to see things looking up for Mako-chan.

> =-------------=
>   
For what it's worth, I'm inclined to agree with Adrian about the scene 
break;
I find it disorienting to encounter one when the same scene just continues.

> "I've just been defeated by Mars," Jadeite admitted curtly,
True.  Mars showed us a lot of strength in the fight, more than I would 
have expected,
even assuming the Flame Sniper isn't as advanced a technique in your 
continuity as it is
in canon.  Presumably we may eventually get an explanation?

> =-------------=
>
> A thick, silver mist surrounded her.
>   
I think I agree with Adrian on this too, at least partially.  Without "her"
being named, I'm not sure why I care about this scene.  In those 
circumstances, it's very
easy to not read it carefully, and possibly forget the whole sequence; 
then, when you're
ready to pull the trigger, your reader may have to go back to previous 
chapters,
feeling annoyed.  It looks like you've put a lot of work into writing 
this scene, so it's
a pity if your readers don't read it carefully.  If the identity of 
"her" is really important
to conceal, suggest you give us other reasons to care, like conveying 
her fright and/or
uncertainty to us.