[FFML] [fanfic][Sailormoon] Moonshadow chapter 19 (draft)

[Mythril Moth]

> Nice as usual.  A few nits:

Ignoring the spelling nits because I'm using British spelling for this 
story. :P Other than that...

>> revealing a couple of
>> things which most
>> certainly did NOT belong on Tokyo Tower.
>>
>> =-------------=
>>
>> A black demon panther sat primly in front of what could
>
> Same scene, so why the scene switch?

I forget whether there was supposed to be a scene between there or not as I 
was planning this out, but I left the scene break because if I hadn't, the 
scene would've run too long without one. In other words, stylistic decision.

>> The next bolt caught Beruche in the side, knocking her
>> against the brown
>> device. As she sprawled, Luna charged again, eyes blazing.
>> Unable to regain
>> her footing in time to guard, Beruche was sent sprawling,
>> tumbling
>> side-over-side toward the edge of the roof.
>
> "sprawled" and "sprawling" in close proximity.  Might want
> to change "As she sprawled" to "As she recovered".

Ugh, I usually try to avoid that kind of thing. Good catch.

>> A thick, silver mist surrounded her.
>
> You didn't mention which "her" this was,

Intentional.

Thanks for the comments. :)


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Mythril Moth
www.mythrilmoth.net